Beauty Queens and Cruises: A Humorous Cruise Ship Cozy Mystery (Cruise Ship Cozy Mysteries Book 4)

by A. R. Winters

  “Isn’t that dangerous?” I asked with a frown. It looked to me that if those batons were on fire, then shortly after so would Kimberly. And the theater.

  “Not if she keeps catching them,” said Rolf with a weary shrug.

  I briefly imagined myself on the stage with a half a dozen burning batons and was instantly shuddering at the thought of it. Now that would definitely end in disaster. Putting the thought out of my mind, I went back to the business at hand. Well, one of the businesses at hand. It was hard to keep track.

  “Martin? Clarissa?”

  They both gave me expectant looks.

  “When you were assisting Autumn back to her room last night, did anyone see you?”

  Martin slowly shook his head. “We went back via the outside deck, which was mostly empty because it was dark. I thought the fresh air might do her some good. I don’t think I saw anyone.”

  “Clarissa?”

  She had a thoughtful look on her face, like she had just remembered something.

  “I was a little behind you, Martin, before I caught you up. Do you remember?”

  “Yep. I was having to handle her all by myself.”

  It was true. Clarissa had stayed behind in the room with me for several minutes before she left to catch up with Martin.

  “I saw that awful, awful woman. What’s her name? Brute? Root?”

  “Do you mean Ruth?” I asked helpfully.

  “Yes!” Clarissa confirmed, snapping her fingers as she said it. “I saw her from behind, but when I got closer, she ran back inside the ship. I didn’t think much of it at the time—I was too worried about poor Autumn.”

  Rolf looked up wearily, interested but tired. “Do you think she took those pictures of Autumn?”

  I couldn’t think of a more likely candidate. We all turned to Clarissa.

  “I guess… she must have?”

  I hoped she had. It would at least get me off the hook.

  It was time for another chat with the feminist protestor.

  Chapter 25

  Unsurprisingly, I found Ruth Allen in the last place I looked. Unsurprisingly because of course when you find what you’re looking for, you then stop looking.

  She was in the activity center, approximately halfway up the climbing wall. Her position on the wall was very close to where I had almost plummeted to my death.

  Strangely, from where I was now standing underneath, it didn’t look like a deadly drop anymore. The memory of it still made me shudder though.

  Patiently, I waited for her to get to the top of the wall, and then she was slowly lowered back down. The person holding her rope was a cheerful Californian girl, not the man who’d dropped mine. I guessed he had been reassigned to another role.

  When she was finally back on the ground, I waited while her ropes and harnesses were removed. Finally, she unclipped her helmet and handed it back to the attendant. As she did so, her tightly curled hair seemed to poof back out of her head like a spring that had just been released.

  “Hello, Ruth.”

  She nodded at me. “Hello again. Finally come to your senses?”

  I wrinkled my nose. “My senses?”

  “Yes. You must have tracked me down to join the cause. Right? You’ve been craving some sisterly companionship? The patriarchy has worn you down and now you’re ready to explode into radical resistance?”

  I frowned.

  “Not today. It’s about something else.”

  Ruth sighed sadly and gave me a look of pity. As she did so, she brushed the climbing chalk off her hands onto her jeans.

  “That’s a shame. So what is it?”

  “I’ll be straight with you. Did you take pictures of Autumn Meadows last night and send them to a newspaper?”

  “Yep!”

  I blinked, not really believing it. That was the easiest confession I’d ever extracted from a person.

  In this case, Ruth seemed to be proud of what she’d done. It was less a confession and more of a boast.

  “You see,” said Ruth with the air of a schoolteacher, “it’s my duty to show people—to show women the reality behind the facade. These pageant people paint their faces with muck, dress up like slatterns, parade around on stages and in front of cameras with smiles on their vapid faces. But it’s fake! All of it! Inside, they’re all broken, battered, beaten-down by society—and those pictures I took of her proved it! Once the world understands what’s going on, these awful contests will be banned.”

  “Don’t you think you’re reading a little too much into it all? Surely every woman is different. Don’t you think it’s possible that some of them might actually want to compete in these events?”

  I was annoyed at myself for playing devil’s advocate here. I couldn’t really understand the beauty pageant world myself, but I was being forced to defend it because Ruth seemed even crazier to me than the pageant girls. And that was saying something.

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “No. They don’t like it and they aren’t choosing to do it. It’s the illusion of free will, you see. They think they like it, they think they enjoy it, and they think they’re choosing to participate. But of course they’re not. Brainwashed, hypnotized, coerced—whatever you want to call it. Inside every beauty queen is a Ruth Allen, desperate to burst out!”

  I took half a step back and looked at Ruth again. Did she really think those pageant contestants secretly wanted to be like her? I didn’t get it; I really didn’t. On either side. I used to think I understood people, somewhat, but I wasn’t so sure anymore. Was everyone crazy except me and my friends?

  “I had to take those pictures and share them with the world. It was my duty. I’m proud I did it, and I’d do it again. I will do it again. And you can rest assured, I won’t stop until every woman on earth—”

  Riiiiiiiiiing!

  In the middle of explaining how she wouldn’t stop, Ruth Allen stopped. An ear-splitting alarm began to blast through the area.

  “Fire alarm!” I shouted at her. “Come on!”

  I followed the fire exit signs out of the activity center, toward the nearest muster point, which happened to be the small pool deck where Ruth had conducted her first protest.

  Behind me, the Californian girl followed her training and evacuated the rest of the guests in the area. I would have offered to help, but we’re supposed to follow the rules to the letter during a fire, which meant I wasn’t supposed to ‘interfere’ aka help in an area in which I had not been trained. Not knowing the activity center well, I wouldn’t have a clue whether it had been evacuated successfully or not.

  When I arrived at the pool deck, I found almost all of our beauty pageant contestants as well as numerous other guests milling around. This was also the nearest muster area to the section of the ship where their cabins were located.

  One of the first people I saw was Autumn Meadows, who had, thanks to the threat of fire, unbarricaded her room and exited it. Her eyes were smudged with tear-streaked mascara and her hair looked like it had barely seen a brush since the night before. For normal people, she looked fine. But for a beauty queen, she looked a mess.

  “Are you okay?” I said, awkwardly. After the way she and Rolf had treated me that morning, I was rather wary of her.

  “No.”

  “I don’t suppose you know what’s happening?” I looked around as I spoke. People were milling around everywhere, but I couldn’t get a sense of the potential danger. There was no sign of fire out here, and I hadn’t noticed anything on the way out from the Activity Center either. I was leaning toward thinking it was a false alarm.

  “No. I was in my room, then someone hammered on it and shouted to get out, that there was a fire. Then they ran away. A few minutes later, the alarm sounded.”

  “Goodness. How scary. Did you see the fire?”

  Autumn shook her head. “No, but I could smell it. Something was burning near my cabin. The place reeked of smoke.”

  “Goodness, that must have
been terrifying,” I said sympathetically. I wanted to tell her that I’d found out who leaked her pictures, but with all the commotion it didn’t seem like the best time.

  Then, the alarm stopped ringing. Just as it did so, Kimberly and Clarissa emerged from inside the ship.

  “Where were you? Were you stuck inside?” I asked with concern.

  They both shook their heads.

  “It’s the big show tonight. I needed a beauty nap,” said Kimberly.

  I peered at her. She didn’t look like she’d been sleeping. Her makeup was perfect, for a start.

  “Your makeup sure held up well,” I said.

  She smiled back gratefully at me, as if I’d been giving her a compliment rather than casting suspicion at her.

  “It’s important to be well rested before a big show,” said Clarissa to me. “I was napping too, even though I’m not competing yet.”

  She was practice napping? Amazing.

  “Could I have everyone’s attention, please!” Ethan had also emerged from inside the ship, and was standing on top of a sun lounger making his announcement. “There was a small fire. No one has been harmed. The fire has been contained and extinguished. We are still investigating the source of the fire, but we believe this may have been the cause.” Ethan held up a small wooden stick into the air. A baton.

  All eyes turned to Kimberly. She had both hands on the side of her face, and her mouth was open in a perfect O of shock.

  It sure looked like the batons she’d been practicing with earlier.

  And she claimed to be asleep? With a full face of flawless makeup?

  We’d soon see about that.

  Chapter 26

  A few minutes later, Ethan, Kimberly, and I were in Hot Stuff’s office together. Ethan sat behind his desk, while Kimberly and I sat on the high-backed chairs in front of it.

  Ethan was holding one of Kimberly’s performance batons in his hands, the end of which was wrapped in some kind of cloth that had turned black from burned carbon. It had the acrid reek of highly flammable liquid.

  “Kimberly, did you set the fire using one of your batons?” asked Ethan.

  “No! I didn’t! I would never!”

  “Kimberly, you told us you were asleep when the fire broke out. Do you stand by that statement?” I asked her.

  She bobbed her head. “Yes, I was sleepin’. I don’t know anything about how it got started.”

  “If you were asleep, then how come you’re wearing perfectly applied makeup? Even if you had gone to sleep in a full face of makeup—which I don’t believe you would for an instant—it would have been smeared.”

  Kimberly stared down at the floor, avoiding our gaze. She didn’t speak.

  “Well?” said Ethan after the silence had dragged on long enough.

  “The alarm woke me up, and I skedaddled as fast as I could. But I had to do my makeup first! Who knows when you’re gonna be photographed?”

  I narrowed my eyes at her.

  “Are you saying you heard that terrible, noisy fire alarm and decided to apply your makeup instead of running out like everyone else?”

  She nodded at me.

  “I did. Is it a crime to wanna look your best?”

  I rolled my eyes. Ethan shook his head in confusion. He was even more disbelieving than me.

  “You’re telling me you ignored the alarm just to put on your face? Really?”

  I certainly believed it was possible, but I also thought it was incredibly stupid if it was true. Which I wasn’t convinced of.

  “How did your baton get into the hallway? It was clearly used to start the fire.”

  “I don’t know! Honest!” Kimberly shouted these words. As if the louder one protested one’s innocence, the more effective it would be.

  “No idea?”

  “I haven’t seen them since I finished my practice. It was probably that crazy woman tryin’ to sabotage our pageant.”

  “You’re saying you think Ruth did this?”

  Kimberly nodded. “Who else would it be?”

  “Ethan, can I talk to you for a moment outside?” I gave him the most meaningful look I could.

  He nodded, stood up, and walked around his desk. I didn’t want him to ask Kimberly to leave his office in case she used the opportunity to run away. So instead, we were leaving her inside. He seemed to understand this as well.

  “What’s up?” he asked when we were outside.

  “It wasn’t Ruth. I know she’s caused a lot of trouble, but this particular act of sabotage wasn’t done by her. I was with her at the time, at the climbing wall in the activity center.”

  “Interesting. That’s further evidence that Kimberly is lying to us. It sounds like she’s trying to pin it on someone—anyone—else. And what better suspect than Ruth, after all the trouble she’s caused us?”

  “But why would she start the fire?”

  I wasn’t exactly asking Ethan directly, more musing out loud, trying to wrap my head around Kimberly’s thought process. I wasn’t sure any normal person would be able to manage it.

  Ethan rubbed his chin slowly. “I’m not sure yet. But we’ll find out. I think it might be time I kept her in confinement.”

  I agreed that this was a good idea.

  We already knew Kimberly was at least somewhat unhinged—you don’t go around cutting off parts of the heels of dozens of shoes without at least one screw loose—and the evidence provided by her burning baton was enough to put her back at the top of my suspect list.

  “I guess she just wanted to sabotage the event. It was the same thing with the shoes. She wanted to sabotage Diana, so she chopped up her shoes, and she wanted to sabotage the whole pageant, so she set the fire. It really makes me think she might have been responsible for Diana’s death, too.”

  “Sadly, I think you might be right. I’m going to take her to the brig. Let’s see if we get a confession out of her.”

  “I think that’s for the best. Come on. Let’s give her the bad news.”

  We returned inside, but this time neither of us sat down.

  “Kimberly?” Ethan waited until she looked up with an attentive expression before he continued. “As head of security of this ship, I’m going to be using the power vested in me to confine you to a secure location for the time being.”

  “You’re lockin’ me up? But I didn’t do nothin’! I was just late for a fire drill!”

  “It wasn’t a drill, and it was a fire set with your baton,” I said to her sternly.

  “I told you! I don’t know nothin’ about it! This ain’t fair. The competition’s this evenin’ and I need to do my routine!”

  Ethan shook his head. “You won’t be doing any routines. Now please stand up and come with me. I don’t see any need for handcuffs—unless you want to resist.”

  Kimberly stood up and stared at Ethan, as if judging whether she could take him down in a fight. While I knew she was fit and agile from watching her fly up the climbing wall, Ethan was at least twice her size and no slouch himself.

  Proving that she wasn’t entirely out of her mind, she gave a sad nod of his agreement to his request.

  “Okay,” she said in a small, quiet voice. “Let’s go.”

  With her shoulders slumped and her normal energy drained, she walked with Ethan out of his office. I closed the door when we were all outside.

  “See you later,” I said to Ethan with a wave. “I’ll be at the talent show if you need me.”

  I watched Ethan lead her away. He’d be taking her downstairs to the brig, a series of small cabins exactly like the one Sam and I shared. Except the lock was on the outside.

  I was pretty sure that not only had we caught our firebug but also our murderer. I just didn’t have the evidence to prove it—yet.

  Chapter 27

  “Are you ready to have your minds blown? Are you ready to be amazed, thrilled, and seduced by the most talented, beautiful and lovely ladies to ever sail the seven seas?”

  Autumn Meadows was on t
he stage, introducing the start of the talent show. She’d managed to recover from her hangover, and now that she was back in the limelight she appeared to be loving every minute of it again.

  I was hanging out near the back of the theater, waiting for Kelly to come in. There was something I’d been meaning to ask her, but hadn’t gotten a chance to yet.

  “First up, with flaming ba—… My apologies, that was a mistake. First up, the cheeriest cheerleader from Chickory, Arkansas, it’s…”

  I stopped listening to Autumn as soon as I spied Kelly. She was wearing midnight black everything, from her jewelry to her shoes, and she was hurrying into the theater at double-quick speed when I hopped in front of her to get her attention.

  “Kelly!”

  “Oh, shoot! Am I late? I’m late aren’t I? What did I miss?”

  “Don’t worry about that. You’re only here to watch tonight anyway, remember? I wanted to ask you something.”

  Kelly wiped a hand over her brow in relief. “What’s up?”

  “Do you remember when we ate together in the Captain’s Club the other day?”

  She wrinkled her brow in thought, then her face lit up as she remembered.

  “Oh yes! When you covered yourself in mousse! That was fantastic!”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “No, it wasn’t fantastic. Do you remember when you were dancing, and your partner pushed you away?”

  Kelly’s face darkened. “Yes. What a horrible man.”

  “Who was he?”

  “Who?”

  “The man you were dancing with!”

  “Oh! I don’t know. No idea.”

  I put my hands on my hips and frowned at her.

  “What do you mean you have no idea?”

  She shrugged. “He was just a man. You know me. I’ll dance with anyone.”

  I cocked my head at her. I did not know her. Not personally, anyway.

  “You have no idea who he was?”

  “He was a guest. That’s all I know. He asked me to dance, I said yes, then you came over and he tossed me away.”