Arena

by Logan Jacobs

  “Man, you don’t know when to quit, do you?” I asked as I pulled my pistol and pointed it at him. “And I mean really, you brought a knife to a gunfight. Not smart.”

  “Die, Dry Skin!” he snarled, and as he reared back to throw his knife at me, I channeled the ar’Gwn and fired.

  For a moment the only sound I heard was the whump of the energy blast as it hit the power orb still tucked into Flemgar’s belt. Then his grunt of pain filled my ears as he stumbled backward into the horde who set upon him. That’s when the orb began to flash, throwing arcs of nuclear green light into the air. I turned and hauled ass up the steps. I made it to the fourth-floor landing where BirdMan, Tree Trunk and Dark Shadow still fired their pistols into the endless sea of undead horrors.

  “Get down!” I yelled as I slid onto the landing a moment before green flame exploded from where Flemgar had been and washed over the zombies like a tidal wave of incineration. The flames spread like quicksilver and soon, the fireball doubled back, fueled by its own hot winds and raced up the steps toward us.

  The green flames flickered and flashed as they filled my vision full of swirling emerald embers that carried me off into an oblivion free from cybernetically enhanced space zombies and slimy baby-man aliens with gasoline for blood. I twisted there for a blissful moment before I slammed back to existence inside the plastic transport tube at the Hall of Champions. The door portal melted open, and I fell into Artemis’s open arms.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Artemis’s lips met mine, and they were like ripe cherries on a hot summer day, bursting and full, with the promise of dark cherry skin desires. My hands grabbed her by the hips and pulled her close. I wanted to devour her at that moment, body and soul. Adrenaline is one hell of a goddamn aphrodisiac.

  With a tremendous amount of willpower, I pulled away from the kiss and held Artemis at a bent arm’s length. If I thought I had wanted to devour her, the look on her face was that of the mightiest sexual jungle cat in the universe, and I was a big piece of meat.

  “That was incredible,” she squealed. “Not only did you survive, but you scored the trial’s only confirmed kill! That is triple bonus points.”

  “I’m gonna guess that is a good thing?” I asked, a bit unsure. Day four, third trial, first official bout in the Crucible of Carnage, and I still really had no fucking idea how any of this worked beyond winning was good and dying was bad.

  “Indeed, human,” Grizz acknowledged with an actual smile on his face. “A true boon! Boon, I say! Ha! Using the Pustularian’s body as an accelerant to the combustion wave was truly inspired. By the Bent Lance’s Pommel, I nearly shed a tear. How did you know Pustularian blood oxidized into a highly combustible gel?”

  “When I hit him in the face, it smelled like gasoline,” I answered, almost deadpan.

  “Brilliant, human,” Grizz continued to gush. “My initial feeling that you were a weak, flimsy, woman-man were entirely misguided.”

  “Gee, thanks, Grizz,” I said with more than a bit of pride.

  “Yes,” he continued, “you are a weak, flimsy, boy-man! Much improvement.”

  “And there he is,” I muttered under my breath with a smile. The new positive reinforcement Grizz was making me nervous.

  “We should go out and celebrate the momentous occasion of you not dying,” Artemis said excitedly. “Again. Yay.”

  “Totes yay,” I said, exhausted. A huge yawn escaped my lips.

  “Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. You are not falling asleep after a victory like that!” Artemis was having none of my physically exhausted shenanigans. Before I knew it, she’d sunk a needle full of Blue Betty into my arm, and seconds later, I was ready to go celebrate.

  “Man, they should bottle this stuff,” I asserted as the blue juice flowed into me.

  “Oh, the fools tried,” Grizz shot over his shoulder as he watched a replay of some of the final action on the monitor. “It was a disaster of tremendous proportions.”

  “Yes, Marc,” Artemis said to emphasize Grizz’s statement, “the fools most certainly did.”

  “Oh, it was a total bunched intercourse of epic proportions,” Artemis added eagerly. “Blue Betty in large, uncontrolled doses causes priapism in men and overclocked libido. Society almost ground to a halt because everyone was doing it all the time.”

  I laughed. The image that brought to mind was particularly interesting.

  “Good lord.” I laughed. “Is every creature in the galaxy super horny?”

  Grzz and Artemis looked at each other. “Yes,” they said in perfect harmony.

  “That is,” I started, “very good to know.” Sounded like humans didn’t have the ‘screw anything and everything market’ cornered.

  “So, did I hear someone mention a celebration being in order?” I asked coyly.

  “Oh, oh, I did,” Artemis blurted with her hand in the air like we were in second grade.

  “Well then, what are we waiting for?” I teased. “Let’s go already.”

  “By the Great Greaves Ghost, we shall slake our thirst and revel in the exhilaration of victory!” Grizz bellowed, a look of pure joy on his holographic face.

  “Once more Unto the Breach, my friends, once more!” I let loose with my best Shakespearean accent and finished with a mighty battle yell. Grizz and Artemis joined me. Our voices rang loud as we ran through the Hall of Heroes and out into the street.

  Artemis and I piled into a hover-taxi as Grizz dematerialized and his little projection sphere zoomed off ahead of us.

  “Catch that sphere!” I cried at the cab driver, who was actually a robot. It must have wanted a good tip because the hover-taxi took off like a shot and wove in and out of multiple layers of traffic horizontally and vertically. In a blur of bright lights and a cacophony of honking horns, we sped through the city like a bat out of hell. The next thing I knew we’d power slid into the curb just outside The Breach.

  Artemis and I got out and strode toward the door like returning conquerors. Grizz appeared next to us. If I hadn’t known better, I would have sworn he was a flesh and blood person as he matched our step.

  I pushed open the door, and we walked inside like we owned the place.

  “Champion Havak, nice to have you back-- Whoa!” Brek’Taup blurted out as he moved to greet us when we walked through the door. “Champion Grizz, it is an immense honor to see you again. You have been greatly missed.”

  “Thank you, Brek,” Grizz said, his voice full of emotion as he gazed upon the interior of The Breach. “It brings me the joy of smiting ten enemies to see your visage.”

  Brek smiled so hard I thought his red brick cheeks were going to break off his face. I was pretty sure I actually saw him blush before he turned back to me.

  “Are you kidding me with those Dolmedian Lure-Arachnids?” he marveled rhetorically and whacked me on the arm with a small smokestack sized fist. “I nearly whizzed my flume! Man, that was cool.”

  “Thanks, Brek,” I replied. I was trying my hardest not to let all of this go to my head, but dammit if I hadn’t survived three trials in four days, it was time to pat myself on the back for a second. “Yes, it was cool. Very goddamn cool.”

  Brek turned to face the bar, and with a voice that was like a raging fire, he called out to the crowd.

  “Welcome to the Breach, former Champion Grizz of Ar-X'ans-Oturi, and Champion Havak of Earth.” His voice bounced off the walls as a hush fell over the crowd, and all eyes turned to us.

  After a drawn-out second, someone from the bar shouted, “Leeeroooy Jeeeenkins!” and everyone else responded with the same cadence and intonation. I felt a bit like Norm from Cheers.

  The crowd rushed up the greet us, and we were indeed treated like Caesar on his return to Rome. Before I knew it, we were seated at a long rough-hewn wooden table in the middle of the floor, and I had a beer in my hand. Artemis was at my side, a normal looking drink in front of her. Grizz sat across from us, and he had that wistful look in his eyes again.

  “
You okay, Grizz?” I asked cautiously.

  “Yes, Marc, I am indeed,” he started, and his voice betrayed way more emotion that his face did. “But I do wish I could enjoy the liquid refreshments with both of you.”

  “Grizz, I was going to tell you earlier,” Artemis chirped with excitement, “I think I found a way to make that actually happen.”

  “Don’t tease, Artie,” Grizz said seriously. “I am only electronic memories strung together through an algorithm, but I do still have feelings.”

  “No, I’m serious, Grizz.” Artemis stood and motioned for one of the server droids to come over. When it got close, she grabbed it with one hand, her motion fast as a flash, and used her other hand to plug a small fiber optic cable into the droid. The other end of the cable was attached to a small USB looking port in her wrist that glowed. Her eyes fluttered rapidly, and it was like I could actually see the bytes of information flowing out of her arm like blood into the little droid. After a few seconds, the light dimmed and Artemis opened her eyes. The droid’s lights blinked a few times as it shook itself. Then it righted itself, and a full tankard of frothy, dark beer appeared in front of Grizz.

  “Go ahead, try it,” she said as she literally beamed with joy.

  Grizz reached out hesitantly as if he expected his hand to pass right through the glass. He let out a surprised, “Huh!” when it didn’t. He picked the tankard up, and it had obvious weight and heft, the muscles in Grizz’s holographic arms started to bulge. He brought the foam-topped mug to his lips and took a deep breath through his nose.

  His eyes opened wide, locked with Artemis’s for a second, and then he upended the flagon. He drank for what seemed like an eternity, taking gulp after gulp of the dark brown liquid that also ran out the corners of his mouth and onto his red cape. Finally, he set the flagon down and let out a very, very long burp.

  “Daxlokarian solstice ale,” he said gleefully, “I haven’t tasted that in twenty-five years. It was cold, fresh, and tasted so good when it hit my lips.”

  “Yes!” Artemis punched the air and did her little happy dance. “It worked.”

  “After the other day at the cafeteria, I thought maybe I could write a program that would let Grizz enjoy some things again, right?” she said in a rush. “So, I knew I could taste food, but my brain, while now organic, is still just a big AI. I took all my data and studied it and then wrote a little program to help simulate that for Grizz.”

  “It did more than simulate,” Grizz was as excited as I’d ever seen him, “it replicates it perfectly down to the way the bubbles tickle my nose.”

  “In theory, I could apply it to any number of things,” Artemis beamed. Her smile was infectious, and it was great to see Grizz enjoying himself.

  “Artemis,” Grizz said, and his face was so full of gratitude that for a moment I forgot that he was just a hologram based on a memory, “thank you.”

  “Grioghar’cill’ian’craíochta’cumha’ctach of the Clan Mharthanóir you are the most welcome,” Artemis said as she bowed her head in deference.

  A big holographic tear welled up in Grizz’s eye, and for a moment, I thought it was going to spill, and then we’d all be bawling, but luckily he slammed the rest of his ale instead. Another immediately appeared.

  “Yes! Merriment and drunkenness!” He hollered as a crowd began to gather around him.

  “Is it safe for me to drink a non-holographic version of what Grizz has?” I asked Artemis as we slid down to the end of the table for some relative quietness.

  “It should be, yes,” she answered as her bright smile returned. “Why don’t you get us two?”

  “As you wish,” I said in the best British accent I could muster at the moment. I got up from the table, pushed my chair in, and walked over to the bar.

  A Telecultus, as usual, was tending bar.

  “Two flagons of Daxlokarian solstice ale when you get a chance,” I said over my shoulder as I turned to survey the crowd. There was something different about the one tonight, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

  “Well isn’t that a fine how do you do?” I heard a familiar, Long Island-accented voice from behind me. “You shoot a fella through his first Higgs Boson gateway and not even a hello.”

  I turned and saw the Telecultus who had gone to get my beers. He looked just like every other Telecultus in the place.

  “Phil?” I asked incredulously. “Is that you?”

  “Who else is it going to be?” he replied as if I’d lost my mind.

  “You’re shitting me right now, aren’t you?” I asked as if he absolutely was shitting with me.

  “Ha!” Phil burst out in laughter. “Yeah, it’s me, Phil. When I saw how many of us they had working here, I had to come and bust your chops. I gotta tell ya, kiddo, you have surpassed my wildest expectations. You’re building quite a little fanbase out there.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked honestly. And before he could say a word, what had been bugging me about the crowd all night hit me. It was predominantly female, predominantly scantily clad, and predominantly on the prowl.

  “You ain’t heard of Carnage Cuties yet?” Phil asked as if I was severely remiss.

  “No. I have no idea what that means.” I replied as I tried to wrap my way around the phrase.

  “Oh, yeah, Wednesdays are Carnage Cuties night,” he said as he wiped down a few glasses. “One of the few times civilians are allowed in.” He tapped me on the shoulder. “Looks like you’ve got a burgeoning little group over there.”

  Phil pointed to the end of the bar to where five young alien ladies were all gathered together. They looked to be the equivalent of about twenty-five Earth years old, were humanoid in origin, had dark indigo skin, and were completely smoking hot. They saw me look over and began to whisper and giggle. I was feeling pretty confident all things considered, so I just met their gaze and gave them my best scoundrel smirk. They giggled some more, had a mini-conference, and then a tall one with bright pink hair done up in an elaborate braid and an outfit that would have made most supermodels blush walked over.

  “Hi, I guess you saw us over there, huh?” the hot alien supermodel said in a voice that was equal parts sultry, sexy, and sublime.

  “Just a bit, I guess, I wasn’t really paying attention,” I said in full on cocky scoundrel mode. I gave her a little wink to let her know that while I was a scoundrel, I wasn’t a complete dick.

  “Well, we totally were checking you out,” she said as if commenting on the weather. I nearly spit out my ale.

  “Oh, really,” I retorted as slyly as I could manage.

  “Yup,” she teased, “see, there has never been a human champion from Earth before, so we just wanted to see what you were all about. And you’re kind of cute.”

  “Human from Earth?” I asked intrigued. “Are there any other humans?” Which may have come out way more pompous than I intended. Thing is, she didn’t seem to mind.

  “Of course there are, silly head,” she chided with a devilish smile that I was pretty sure had lured several space sailors to their doom. “You don’t really believe you evolved from apes, do you?”

  “Weirder things have happened, right?” I shot back.

  “Well, sure,” she said, “but not many.”

  “Marc Havak, I am parched and not feeling the whirring of the alcohols!” Artemis yelled as she snaked her way up to where I was at the bar.

  “Buzz,” I corrected, “the buzz of the alcohol, and I do apologize, but I got waylaid by--“ I realized I didn’t know the lovely indigo-skinned ladies name, “this, lovely, person right here.”

  “Oh, hi!” Artemis said ebulliently. “She’s an Ailiosach, from Harloon 7, a pleasure planet on the edge of the Riger Star Cluster. Hello, I’m Artemis.”

  “Hello, I am Sensalia.” The words dripped from the alien woman’s tongue like sex-infused honey. “If I am intruding on a fornication coupling, please excuse.”

  “Oh, no,” Artemis said emphatically, “I mean
, yes, but we are not a singularity. I am his Special Attaché for the Crucible of Carnage.”

  “Well then,” Sensalia’s husky voice crooned, “are you an AI in a bioengineered human body? Why don’t you come over and meet my friends? We were hoping to meet a Champion tonight and now, a Special Attaché? This will be a first on two counts.”

  She turned and sauntered down to the end of the bar. Artemis and I just watched her as she moved.

  “You okay with this?” I floated over to Artemis.

  “I am not about to gaze at a present donkey in the oral cavity,” she responded, her eyes just as mesmerized as mine were by the sway of Sensalia’s perfectly shaped ass.

  “Me neither,” I added. “Oh, here’s your beer.”

  I slid the tankard over to her. Artemis upended it and gulped down the entire contents in fifteen seconds. She slammed it down on the counter, wiped her mouth with her sleeve, and let out a long, baritone burp.

  I finished mine in three big gulps.

  “Artemis,” I drawled as I turned to look at her, “has anyone ever told you that you are the fucking best ever?”

  She looked over at me, her eyes wide. “No, Marc,” she answered, her voice full of pride, “they have not. Ever.”

  “Well,” I started with a smile, “you are the fucking best.” I waited a beat. “Ever.”

  Artemis grinned from ear to ear as we walked over to the group of waiting, giggling, sexy as hell Ailiosachs.

  “Hey,” I said just before we reached the end of the bar, “Should we tell Grizz where we are? I don’t want him to think we ditched him.”

  “When I left him, he was surrounded by warriors who knew him in life,” she reassured me, “and they were in the midst of trading old battle tales and insulting each other’s maternal elders. I think he will be just fine.”

  Two hours, three shots of Traxlorian grain alcohol, and several more ale tankards later and Artemis and I found ourselves five hundred stories high in a penthouse suite at one of the swankiest hotels in the city.