“So I told my mom we sent in our applications on Tuesday,” I said, my voice coming out louder than I’d expected in the silence. “She said she’ll make sure the dean gets it.”
Delilah’s mouth twitched. “I’m still not used to the idea that you could just hand your application over to the dean instead of mailing it to the admissions office like everybody does.”
“Hey, that’s life. You have to use whatever advantage you have.”
Delilah sat down on a bench and tucked her feet under her. I got a flash of Sophie once more. My head felt fuzzy. Damn that Mendez. The conversation with her had really thrown me off balance.
“Any other schools your mom is affiliated with that she can get you into?” Delilah asked. At least she didn’t seem to notice I was hanging on to reality by the tips of my fingers.
“Maybe. Does it matter? NUS is a given for you and me,” I said.
Delilah gave a nervous smile. “Hah. I’m not going to count on it until I have the acceptance letter in my hands.” She took a sip of hot chocolate.
“Suit yourself, but get used to the idea,” I said, gesturing for her to pass me the thermos. I sat down next to her and leaned my head back, gazing at the sky while I took a big mouthful of the rich, molten chocolate. The side of my left leg touched Delilah’s, but she didn’t move hers away. I closed my eyes, trying to preserve this moment, this perfect moment with the girl of my dreams.
“Logan,” she sighed, and I realized I’d put my arm around her shoulders. I hadn’t meant to, but now that I had, it felt absolutely perfect. She fit into the space like she’d been made just for me. When she tried to move away, I held tight. “Logan,” she said again, and now there was a touch of panic in her voice.
“Isn’t this perfect?” I almost couldn’t recognize my own voice, it came out all high and chirpy and weird, almost like a screech. I cleared my throat. “This is great.”
“I don’t feel comfortable.”
I hated that note of fear in Dee’s voice. Why was she still so fearful of me? After all this time, couldn’t she tell how pure my intentions were? Had I not been patient enough? I hadn’t even tried kissing her again. Speaking of kisses, she was the one who first kissed me, after that magical first date. It wasn’t like she asked for my consent, so why couldn’t I put my arm around her? It was just one arm. And she was always baking for me, surely that meant she loved me. Nobody bakes for people they’re not in love with.
Only when silence fell, sudden and heavy, did I realize I’d spoken this out loud. Jesus. Delilah was staring at me wide-eyed, like a trapped deer.
“Sorry, Dee. I didn’t mean, I—”
She swallowed thickly. “No, it’s fine.” A forced smile. “You’re right, I did kiss you after our first date, and I wanted to at the time, but…”
“Not now? Why? Why not?”
“Because of the video, Logan!” she cried. She stopped herself and took a deep breath. “Look, I didn’t want to tell you this before, because I guess I’ve been fighting it for so long, and I keep telling myself this is wrong, but—” Another deep breath, this one lasting a whole eternity. Her eyes sparkled with tears when she looked at me. “I like you.”
The words were hushed, and yet I felt them searing through my entire being, blasting through my skin, my flesh, and drilling straight to the marrow of my bones. She liked me. Delilah liked me.
“What?”
“You’re right,” she continued, “no one would ever love me the way that you do. The way that I want to be loved. You know everything about me, and you accept me for who I am. How can I not like you, Logan?”
There were no words. I kept opening and closing my mouth, but nothing came out. I was a bubble. Floating, flying, zipping through the clouds. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Delilah liked me! I grabbed her arms and pulled her to me. Her mouth was so close, so kissable, just a single inch separated us, but she pulled away. What the fuck?
She put a hand against my chest. “Logan, you don’t get it, do you?”
I shook my head. No, I sure as hell did not.
“I—I’m falling in love with you,” she whispered, “and it scares me to death. I’ve never loved a guy before, not like this. And I want it to be perfect, do you understand?”
“It is. It’s totally perfect.”
“No, it’s not. How can it be perfect when you have that video over my head? When I fall in love, I want it to be pure. Nothing between us but pure, innocent love. When I kiss you again—and I will, I’ve been dreaming about it—but when we do kiss again, I want it to be like our first kiss, where all I wanted was you and there was nothing hanging over me.”
I gaped at her as her words swam through my head like a school of fish, whirling this way and that one second and dispersing the next. I could hardly fathom what she was saying. My mind was still singing with the joy of having her tell me she liked me. No, not just liked. She said she was falling in love with me. It was finally happening!
But no. It wasn’t. Something was stopping her, she said. Clarity plodded in on painfully slow legs. The video. I struggled to understand. But why? The video was safe with me, surely she saw that. But maybe she was right. The video made our relationship different. We weren’t on the same level as each other.
I nodded slowly, and Delilah visibly relaxed. Anger shot through me, sudden and surprising. Why was she so fucking worried about that video all the time? She squeaked, and that was when I realized I’d tightened my hold on her arms. I loosened my grip, but she still looked scared, and I hated that, I had to explain to her that she was safe. There was nowhere safe for Delilah except with me.
“You need to trust me, Dee, do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
But she didn’t. She looked like she wanted to run away from me. I knew then that I had no choice. I had to kill her, to stop her from running away from me. To save her. The video didn’t matter. I could delete that, no problem. It wouldn’t make a difference. All that mattered was making sure she was mine. Mine for eternity.
Chapter Twenty
Delilah
Aisha and I walked toward the boys’ dorm, taking the long route to avoid the streetlights. It was way after curfew. Mom would have a shit fit if she knew I’d stolen out of the house and came to school, but Mom was fast asleep; I’d made sure of that before I left.
“Okay, you remember what you’re going to say to him?” I asked.
“I heard something about someone saying something that might be related to Sophie,” she recited.
I swear, I could kill her. She didn’t understand just how precarious everything was. How dangerous Logan was. After our last date, when he’d grabbed me with surprising strength, I hadn’t been able to sleep. Each time I dozed off, I’d startle awake, convinced I’d find Logan standing at the foot of my bed, watching me with that intense gaze of his.
I glared at Aisha, and she rolled her eyes. “Obviously I will be a lot more specific than that,” she said. “Dude, you’re being a bit of a control freak right now, just so you know. Have more faith in me, okay? I’m in your corner.”
Guilt sank its teeth, sharp and quick. I’d been so fixated on finding the video I hadn’t stopped to think what a huge favor Aisha was doing for me. If we got caught, that would be the end of her future too. Aiding and abetting. I didn’t want to think of how many years she’d get for it. No, I wouldn’t let that happen. I’d tell them she knew nothing, that I’d been manipulating her all along. “Thank you,” I said.
“You owe me. Okay, go hide. I’m gonna call him.”
I slipped around the corner and watched as Aisha dialed his number. Her phone screen flashed bright in the dark. I breathed into my hands to keep them warm. I’d worn layers and gloves, but winter was nudging in; the air was crisp and my fingers were numb. Draycott at midnight was different, witchy and wild, like creatures could come o
ut from the woods at any moment and take over the campus. Snatches of Aisha’s voice floated to where I stood.
“—meet—now—outside—”
She hung up and flashed me a quick thumbs-up. Holy crap, we were really doing this. Now that it was about to happen, it felt unreal, a game, some sort of bad joke. A shrill bout of laughter threatened to overcome me. I pinched myself to keep silent.
The door swung open, and my breath caught in my throat. Logan walked out. I crept forward, willing every muscle to move as silently as humanly possible.
“What is it?” Logan asked, so close, his voice so clear. God, if he turned to his left just a couple of degrees right now—
“Not here,” Aisha said sharply.
Wow, go Aisha.
“Come on,” she said, and strode off to the other side of the building, leaving Logan with no choice but to follow.
I had a moment of panic once the front door slipped shut behind me. The world went silent, save for flutters of noise from within the rooms: a sudden loud snore, the creak of a bed, the tap-tapping of a keyboard, probably some kid finishing up a last-minute paper.
I’d done my research, I knew where Logan’s room was, but for one second, I was rooted to my spot, frozen. Surely they could sense me here, an intruder, my breath so loud in the enclosed space. And what the hell was I doing anyway? I couldn’t go through with this. It was completely hopeless. I couldn’t—
Then, as suddenly as it captured me, panic’s grip released, and I crept forward. One step, two, silent as a cat. I glided up the stairs to Logan’s room. I’d been given a key, but his door was unlocked anyway. I slipped inside and let my breath out.
Unlocking my phone, I propped it up on the floor, facing away from the window. It gave me enough visibility to avoid crashing into things but was dim enough so no one outside would be able to see the light through the window.
I opened my bag, took out a few baggies filled with assorted pills, and rummaged about the room, looking for good hiding places. The other steps in my plan had finally become clear: I had to frame Logan as the school’s drug dealer. Everyone could see he was on something; it wouldn’t take too big of a leap to conclude that he was selling the stuff. I didn’t allow myself to pause. I had to keep moving, otherwise, guilt would catch up and paralyze me. The place was a dump. I’d expected Logan to be a bit neater, but maybe he hadn’t been in a cleaning mood lately. Quite honestly, it stank. Piles of dirty laundry were strewn everywhere. I checked his wardrobe, rifled under his mattress, searched all of his drawers, and every place I searched, I left a little plastic baggie behind. I hated the fact that this place reminded me that Logan was a person, a human being with a whole life. I felt sick at the thought. I should stop. But still I moved around, stuffing the little bags in every hiding place I could think of, feeling shittier by the minute. Aisha didn’t know about this part of the plan. And I hoped to god she never would. She’d never look at me the same way again. She’d never forgive me.
At last, I was done. And still no flash drive or anything that looked like it could contain the video. If it wasn’t on his computer or in his room, where else could it be? I guess he could’ve uploaded it onto the cloud somewhere, but I couldn’t imagine Logan being that brash when it came to the video. It was way too precious to him. The last possibility was that he had it on him at all times. Maybe in one of his pockets, maybe—oh.
That cheap pendant he always wore. I’d dismissed it as a silly trinket, but now I recalled how he was always handling it, how his fingers curled around it from time to time, as though it was some touchstone he had to keep coming back to. It was big enough to harbor a secret USB drive.
Why had I never thought of that?
I peered out the window. Aisha and Logan were silhouettes in the distance, their heads bent low. Good job, Aish. But even as I thought that, Logan suddenly grabbed Aisha. I heard her squeak, the sound a small, furry animal might make right when a clawed predator snatches it. My chest tightened. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. Logan shook Aisha, hard, and she cried out as her head flopped back and forth. His hand shot out, covering her mouth. No, no, no. Oh god, what have I gotten Aish into? I had to move, I had to get to them, I had to—
But just as suddenly as he’d grabbed her, Logan shoved Aisha away and started walking back toward the building. My breath released in a rush, my blood pounding. No time to waste. Spying his sport coat on the floor, I grabbed it and stuffed it into my bag. My phone buzzed.
“He—he’s going back,” Aisha gasped. “Holy shit, he’s awful, he—get out of there!”
I packed my stuff and slipped out of the room. I was about to head down the stairs when I heard the front door open. Crap. If he found me here…
Luckily, the bathroom was only two doors away. I slunk inside just as Logan thudded up the stairs. Every muscle in my body tensed at the sound of his approach. Only after his door clicked shut did I release my breath. Oh my god, I did it.
I snuck outside and went to the back of the building, where Aisha was pacing with her arms wrapped around herself. She looked so tiny and scared that my breath caught in my chest. Guilt sat in my throat, hard and heavy. I did this to her. I’d known how dangerous Logan was, and still I roped her into my mess and put her straight in the middle of his path. I whispered her name, hating myself even more when she literally jumped.
“Holy shit, Dee!” She caught me in a fierce hug.
“Aish, I’m so sorry, I—”
“What?” Aisha looked at me with a frown. “Why are you sorry?”
“I saw him grab you. I—god, Aisha, I’m so sorry I pushed you into doing this—”
“Dee, you didn’t push me into doing anything. Logan…” Aisha shook her head. “I had no idea—I guess it never really hit me what he was doing to you, but…fuck. He’s dangerous, Dee.”
I nodded. “Come on, I don’t wanna hang around.” We started walking back to the girls’ dorm, keeping our voices low.
“I didn’t know he was like that,” Aisha whispered.
I was about to comfort her when the seeds of another idea sprouted. “Yeah, I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to worry, but—” I let my voice tremble a little. It wasn’t hard to do; I was actually pretty shaky after everything. “I’m scared of him, Aish.”
“Oh god. I’m so sorry, Dee.”
“I think he’s on drugs. I found some stuff in his room, like bags and bags of pills. He’s so unstable. I just don’t know what he might do.”
“Tell me you found the video,” Aisha said.
I shook my head, and she visibly deflated.
“Are you sure you didn’t—”
“Yes, I’m sure I didn’t find what I was looking for,” I sighed. Guilt snaked through my veins at having to lie to the only friend I had, but I couldn’t risk telling her I’d found the video of me supposedly cheating on a test. What if she asked to see it?
“Ugh. This was supposed to work! In the movies, you know, at the last second you’d walk over like, a loose floorboard and you’d pry it open and the thing would be there.” She swung to face me, her eyes shining. “Did you search the floor?”
“It’s carpeted.”
“Oh, right. Yeah, of course. Dammit! So the whole thing was a bust?”
“I guess I’m not much of a spy. Wait, are you sure you’re okay? It looked like he hurt you—”
Aisha sighed. “I’m okay. But I don’t like the thought of Logan having something over you. Something is seriously wrong with him.” She took my hand and looked into my eyes. “Dee, I’m scared for you. I think he might do something. I think he might hurt you.”
I tried to laugh off the fear that was clutching my throat, but my voice came out cracked. “I’ll be okay. I’ll think of something.”
“You sure we shouldn’t just go to the cops?”
“Yes!” I cried
. “Please, Aish, no cops, okay? I’d be expelled. Please? You have to trust me. I’ll be okay.” Will I? Now that I was actually carrying out my plan, it felt even more dangerous than I’d expected. Even if I were to get away with it, it would change me for good. Turn me even more monstrous.
There were moments that I’d look in the mirror and see a complete stranger. Someone capable of carrying out true evil. Someone who was no longer a passive victim. If Brandon were still around, would he notice this stain spreading through my very being? Would it scare him, make him think twice about raising his fist at me?
Aisha shoved her hands in her pockets, her mouth pinched. “Did you check behind the posters or picture frames on the wall? There could be like a hole or something—”
“No posters or pictures up on the wall.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah.”
We were quiet as we shuffled inside the girls’ dorm and crept down the hallway to Aisha’s room. Inside, I shrugged off my stuffy jacket and slumped onto the bed. I was glad we’d agreed earlier on that I’d stay over for the night instead of going all the way back to my house.
Aisha climbed in next to me and propped her head up on one hand. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out. We’ll find another way.”
“Yeah,” I said, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t bear to look her in the face and continue lying to her. I kept expecting Aisha to notice the corruption in my soul and figure out what my actual plan was. Surely she’d know. Surely she’d see it, this shadow lurking underneath my skin.
“Hey, you okay?” Aisha asked.
I shrugged. My stomach writhed in guilty knots. There were so many things I wished I could tell her. I was being the worst friend in the world, and here she was, trying her best to help me out. “Thanks for helping me tonight, Aish.”
“Shut up, you’d do the same for me.” She narrowed her eyes. “You would, right?”
The Obsession Page 20