But she didn't say anything back, she was already making her way down the hall to the bedroom.
Chapter Thirty One
She was still in bed when I walked into the room after everyone had gone home. But she wasn't sleeping. The blinds were down and the windows were shut despite the growing heat of the day and the room felt hot and sour. I wrenched two of them open as far they'd go and pulled the blinds up half way, flooding the room with golden light and salty sea air.
"Hey," I said, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to her. "Did you get some sleep?"
"Not really."
"I'm sorry."
She closed her eyes. "Stop apologizing."
I took off my towel and pulled the sheet back, climbing into bed behind her. She let me gather her to me, pulling her close to my chest, but she was rigid and tense in my arms.
"How long does this stuff take, do you reckon?" she said after we'd been lying together for a few minutes.
"What stuff?"
"Sorting out his finances, the house, the shop."
"I don't know, Tess. At least a couple of months, I'd say. I guess it depends on how complicated his will is. Why?"
"Well," she said into the pillow, "I'll be homeless soon. I'm guessing they're going to sell the house."
I stroked her arm and kissed the back of her head. "You don't have to worry about where to live. You can stay here, or up at Onakea. Or I can help you get your own place if you'd prefer that."
"I've seen his will," she said so quietly that I barely heard her. "He had a new one drawn up about a year ago. He showed it to me a couple of weeks ago, when he left for Honolulu on that buying trip. He was always paranoid about flying. He wanted me to know where his documents were in case something happened."
"Okay," I said, "we can give it to Joan. She'll take care of it."
"Kai," Tess said, breaking out of my arms and sitting up. "He's leaving me a lot of money. We had a fight about it. I'm getting the same amount as his daughters."
I sat up too and she slumped against my shoulder. "That's good, isn't it?"
"I guess. I suppose it means I can make plans."
I bent down and kissed her quickly on the side of the head before moving away. "I'm going to go and let you get some sleep."
"Don't go. I need you."
"Try to sleep, Tess." I slid across the bed and stood up. "I'll come and check on you soon."
She swung her head to me and raised her eyebrows. "If that's what you want."
"It is."
“Fine. Walk away.”
I ran my hands down my face, suddenly bone tired. “I’m not walking away.”
“But I am, right?”
“Tess,” I groaned. “We’re both exhausted and sad. Let’s talk about it later, okay?” I turned to leave but stopped when I felt her words like bullets in my back.
"So what are you thinking?” she spat. “That I should live here for the rest of my life? Follow you around? We don’t even know each other.”
I pressed my lips together, trapping the words that threatened to rush out. Neither of us spoke for a second, and then I turned and said, “I know you.”
“Garrett is gone,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. “Which means that there's nothing here for me now."
I slowly lifted my face to hers. Her eyes were red, the dark circles under them stark against her skin. Her words hurt, but not as much as she was hurting. I opened the door and walked into the hall.
"You need to get some sleep."
I pulled on my clothes in the laundry, yanking the legs of my jeans up over my knees and pulling my shirt over my head with enough force to put a tear in the neck hole. Garrett had been dead for less than a week. She was in shock. She needed rest, food and love. And time. I could help her sleep, I could make sure she ate, I could give her the time and space she needed. But I didn't know if I could give myself to her anymore. How was it so easy for her to love and to leave? Every time I thought of it, my stomach dropped. Because the only logical explanation was that she just didn't feel same the way about me as I felt about her.
I left without saying goodbye, walking into town along the beach. People had left leis and flowers on the doorstep of Makai Surf so I took some photos to show to Tess later. I bought food at the market and visited with Lulu, and when I couldn’t stand it any longer, I made my way home.
The house was silent. I crept in quietly, hoping that Tessa was sleeping at last. I put away the groceries, watched some TV and got some food ready for when she woke up.
"Kai?"
"I'm down here," I called back. "You okay?"
"No."
There was such despair in her voice, so unlike the bright, breathy sound I'd come to associate with her. I turned the stovetop off.
"What's happening?" I said as I opened the bedroom door. She was lying down on top of the sheet and her hair was wet again. "You have a shower?" She nodded and rolled onto her side. "Sleep?"
This time, there was a quick shake of her head. She was wearing a purple cotton robe, a bit like a kimono, and her knees were tucked up.
"Come and lie down with me," she said, patting the mattress next to her. "Take your clothes off."
"Tess.." I said, "I don't know.."
"I do," she whispered. "Please. I need to forget for a while."
"Why don't I just lie with you, and you can talk? You need that more."
She sat up and peeled the robe off her shoulders until it pooled around her hips. "I don't want to talk."
She was a wreck. She was exhausted and paler than I'd ever seen her. She hadn't slept in days and I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen her eat. I was worried that if I touched her, she would shatter into pieces right in front of me. She crawled over the bed and undid the buttons on my jeans, her hands trembling with fatigue. I put mine over hers, undoing them for her. She lay down on her side, watching me undress until I was naked and then closed her eyes, a single tear pooling at the corner and rolling down her cheek.
"Tess, I'm not doing this if you're crying," I said as I lay down beside her. "Let me give you a hug. You haven't cried properly yet. It's okay."
"I love you, Kai," she said, opening her eyes and staring at me through a shimmer of tears. "But you need to stop trying to fix me."
"I love you, too," I said, hating that this was the moment we had chosen to say those words to each other. "And I'm trying to help."
She shuffled forward and pressed her body against mine, wrapping her arms around my neck as she kissed me. "This will help."
"Tess-"
"Please."
So I gave in. I touched her as she moved against me and her mouth was hot against my throat. She took hold of me in her hand and I gave into the wanting, even though part of me felt sick about it. I lifted her knee with my hand and tilted my hips slowly forward. If I couldn’t give her anything else, I hoped I could give her a few minutes of peace. As she felt me against her, she pulled my face to hers with a sob and held it there, our lips pressed together, but not kissing, and my arm holding her against my chest. She made no sounds, and I was thankful, because I was on edge, handling her carefully. I half expected her to burst into tears at any moment. It wasn't fast and sexy and it wasn't slow and tender, either, but I knew that I was, at least, giving her a moment, allowing her to take a break from her heartbreak for a while. It wasn't going to have any sort of ending, for either of us, so I just kept holding her, moving in her, until I felt her grip on my neck weaken and her body relax in my hands. When her breathing slowed, I gently lowered her leg and rolled onto my back, pulling her with me so that she lay on top of my chest. I felt her face, damp and warm on my skin, and a shudder run down her back under my hand. I threw the sheet over us both. And then I held her while she finally went to sleep.
It was dark by the time she woke up. I had slept a little and then woken up with Tess still lying on my chest and a fresh breeze blowing through the open windows. I didn't want to wake her so I put my arms care
fully around the small of her back and stared at the ceiling.
Garrett's death had devastated Tess, but I was also worried about my brother and how he was coping with what he had seen that day. I'd left him with Pete after the food had been packed away and he was pale and anxious. I wondered if Dad was keeping a close enough eye on him at home and if the stress had brought any of his obsessive behaviors back. I thought about the job, still unfinished on Lana'i, and whether the hotel would pay the final invoice now that we had missed the deadline. And I thought about Tess; whether she would stay or go and if she'd ever be okay again.
"Hey," I said softly when I felt her stirring.
She lifted her face from my chest and pushed the hair out of her eyes. "Hi."
"How do you feel?"
"Strange. Tired. A bit hungry."
"I'll make you something to eat."
She slid off me and sat up, pulling the sheet around her. "No, I think we should talk."
I switched on the lamp on the bedside table next to me. "Okay."
"I want you to know that you've been so amazing to me," she said, "and I've loved every minute of getting to know you."
"Tess," I said, sitting up and running a hand over my head. "Now isn't the time to make big plans."
She dropped her head, fingering the sheet in her lap. "I think it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. As soon as I have enough money, I’m going to leave. I need a new start." She met my eyes. "I'm sorry."
"Are you?"
She bent forward and touched her lips to mine. The kiss was weightless, feather light. "I am."
"Jesus, Tess," I said, pulling back from her and getting out of bed. "Do you realize that you've said you loved me, had sex with me, then told me you're leaving all in one night?"
"I know," she said, pulling her legs up and hugging her knees. "I'm a mess. And I’m sorry for making this messy for you too."
"Why can't you get it?" I said, my voice getting louder despite how hard I was trying to control it. "I want to be part of your mess."
"I know you do.” Her eyes brimmed. "But we have different lives, and I don't see how that could work."
"Stop pushing," I said, my voice breaking. "Just, stop."
"Kai, I -"
"Tess!" I stood up and pulled on my clothes. "I'm not going to leave you here alone after you've just lost the only family you had. So stop pushing me. I'm going to be there for you, for however long it takes." She climbed out of the bed and pulled the sheet around her but made no move to come any closer to me. "I am not the guy who leaves the people he loves when they're in trouble, okay? I'm also not a guy who finds some pretty girl on holiday and fucks her without caring about her." I laced my fingers behind my head and locked eyes with her. "You knew that about me. I know you did. So this whole 'be together with no expectations' thing was bullshit right from the start. For me, anyway."
She walked around the end of the bed until she was standing right in front of me and I put my hand on the back of her head, pulling her against my chest.
"I'm hurting you," she said against my skin.
"I know."
"I can't give you what you want."
I swallowed and pulled her against me harder. "I know that, too."
Chapter Thirty Two
In the month that followed, things with Tessa slowly grew from bad to worse. In the daytime, she refused to let me comfort her, pushing me away whenever I came too close. But after dark, she reached for me, touching me, making me want her, pleading with me to help her forget. She didn't want to talk about Garrett, or us, or anything, and she hadn't cried much at all. The Tess I had come to know was compassionate and intuitive, she cared about people and loved fearlessly. By the end of the fourth week, I was struggling to find that girl inside her anymore. I was pretty sure she was trying to get me to give up on her.
We spent most days clearing out Garrett's house, sorting his things into piles for donations and piles for selling, and a few times a week we went to Makai Surf. Joan and her daughters had left a few days after the funeral, saying they had to get back to work and school. I didn't mind, I wanted to take care of things. The money from the Lana'i job had come through and I reasoned that at the least it would mean that Tess and I would be spending time together. I hoped that all of those hours side by side would help her to tell me how she was feeling. But so far, that hadn't happened. Instead, we spent most days either in silence or arguing. Well, Tess argued and tried to pick a fight. I listened and tried to stay out of her way.
"You knew this would happen one day. Don't put this all on me. It's not fair," she said on our last day in the house together.
We'd worked solidly all day and her room was the last to be packed up. The morning had started well, but like most days, it hadn't taken long. I sat down on her bed and watched her tear clothes from the hangers. "You're right."
She stopped and spun around to face me, dumping the armload of clothes she was holding to the floor. "I told you, Kai. I was honest with you from the start. What did you think was going to happen at the end of this?"
"I didn't know," I said. "I didn't think I would fall in love with you."
But that was a lie. I knew all along that I would fall in love with Tessa. And I knew I would get hurt in the end. I just didn't realize it would hurt that damn much.
She paced the room, picking up things and shoving them into her bag. "I'm sorry, Kai."
"What are you saying? That this feeling of yours has gone, so now you have to go, too? That's bullshit, Tess. You're just running because you're hurting and things are hard. It's not going to help you. And it's immature."
"What do you want from me?" she screamed. "Do you want me to tell you that I've done this all before and that I fucked it up? That I'm a loser who can't commit to a job for more than a month let alone a place or a relationship? Is that what you want from me?"
"What are you even talking about?" I crossed the room toward her but she backed up with every step I took.
"I told you that I would leave one day."
"I know."
She picked up her bag. "And you agreed that this was temporary."
I shoved my hands into my pockets so she wouldn't see them shaking. "Tess, if I believed you wanted to leave, I'd be the first person to throw you a farewell party. But I don't believe it. I just don't. You love it here. You're always saying it. Before this happened, you were happy. We were happy. And we will be again. So why can't you tell me the real reason you want to go? What you're running from?"
"You're an asshole, Kai," she said, as she yanked open the door. "I would never have gotten into anything with you if I'd known you would try and manipulate me into staying. You're a liar."
She gave me one long, broken look and then turned her face away. The door clicked shut behind her, and then she was gone.
I walked down the hall to the kitchen and stacked the last of the boxes against the wall. Soon, we'd have to hand the keys over to the agent and I knew Tess was going to find that hard. Once the house was as organized as I could make it, I locked up and walked the long way home, avoiding the main street and the bars in case I ran into someone who wanted to talk.
The sun just going down by the time I made it to my front door. She was sitting on the top step, waiting for me.
"Hey," I said, sitting down beside her. She drew her legs up and hooked her elbows around her knees, her eyes fixed on the beach across the road in front of us. We sat like that for ten minutes or more watching a group of windsurfers, dark shapes against an ocean glowing yellow and orange from the setting sun.
"When I was twenty I moved to Vegas," she said, keeping her eyes on the sea. "I worked as a waitress in a shithole restaurant. The night shift. I was saving up to go to South America, I had my tickets booked and everything. And then one night, this guy came in. His name was Dylan. He worked at one of the casinos at night while he trained to be a teacher. He was just coming off his shift."
She tipped her head to the side, res
ting her cheek on her knee. "Dylan was the first guy ever to treat me nicely."
"Was he your boyfriend?"
"No," she said, rubbing her thumb over the thin silver band on her finger. "He's my husband."
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees as I tried to contain the explosion that just went off inside my skull. "You're married?"
"Separated."
"Is that a wedding ring?"
She looked down at it. "Dylan is a good guy. It was my fault. I went into it with my eyes open and I knew that he wanted a house and babies eventually. I said yes to all of it."
"Why are you still wearing it?"
"After a year I started having panic attacks," she said, ignoring me. "He tried to help me through it, but I knew that I wanted to go. Nothing he did could have made me stay. I should never have married him. I broke his heart, and he still hates me for it."
"You were twenty, Tess. And I'm not him."
"We were happy for a while and then I ruined it. That's what I do. I get bored and restless and I hurt people in the process."
"You think you'd get bored with me?"
"Look around you, Kai,' she said helplessly. "Look at how people in the world treat one another. My parents put their eight-year-old daughter on a bus to a random address in another state. Your mother accepted money to never see her children again. People cheat on each other, they're vicious and cruel and they hurt one another. That's how people behave in relationships. That's why I wear the ring, to remind me. I'm not doing that again, Kai. I'm not risking turning into her."
She jumped up and jogged down the path, heading down the street back to town. I followed behind but made no effort to catch her up. She must have known I was there but she didn't look over her shoulder the whole walk to Garrett's house.
"You can't keep chasing me," she said when she got to the door. "I'm going soon. You need to leave me alone."
I took a step and tried to hug her, and after a while she let me, her arms moving to my back. "You're not your mother, any more than I'm my father," I said. "Come inside. I want to show you something."
The 'Ohana Tree Page 19