The 'Ohana Tree

by Rebecca Addison

  That night I said goodnight to Tess in the hallway and made my way to the yellow room. The camp mattress was still in there, leaning against the wall, and I glared at it for a couple of seconds before laying it down on the ground and resigning myself to a few uncomfortable nights. By the time the weekend came and Dad and Akamu were busy packing for their night away, I was sore from head to toe and sporting an ugly green bruise on my hip. Tessa's week had gone better. Her pies sold out within a few hours of me dropping them at Lulu's Cafe and she'd called that night to double her order. I was still working at the school, but thankfully we had moved on from manure and were building bench seats and a chicken coop to go into the kitchen garden. I arrived home every afternoon sweaty and dirty, but strangely happy despite the fact that I was missing playing music more than ever. I knew that no matter what happened during my day I was going to get to go home at some point, and when I walked into the kitchen, I would find Tessa. She would have an apron on and flour up to her elbows and she'd walk me down the line of pies on the counter, explaining which fruits from the orchard she'd used in each.

  "Tutu said I will be sleeping in the best room in her house, Kai. The best room," Akamu said as he took his things out of his bag and laid them out on his bed, before putting them all back in again.

  "You ready for this?"

  "Garrett said the best way to do something new is to give it a try. That's the best way."

  "Okay, bud. I'm proud of you. Look after Pa."

  He finished repacking his bag and picked up his pillow. "Let's go on holiday!"

  I met Dad at the car and put Akamu's bag in the back. He had his hands braced on the side of the roof, panting hard.

  "You okay?"

  "I'm going to do it, so stop fussing."

  I put my hand on his shoulder. "Of course, you are. Akamu? Get in. You're leaving now."

  Dad pushed off and opened his door, inserting the keys in the ignition with a shaky hand. "I'll call you when we arrive. We won't be back until tomorrow evening, no matter what."

  I leaned in the open window and we locked eyes. "See you then."

  At Tessa's instructions, I had to stay out of the kitchen while she made us dinner. I tidied up a bit, enjoying the quiet house, and when I'd finished, I played my guitar and sang to her from the living room.

  After an hour, she popped around the corner and waved me over. "So. I hope you weren't just trying to butter me up before when you said you liked it."

  I walked up to the table and saw the bowl of pasta she'd made, the smooth green artichoke petals just visible under a thick dusting of cheese. "I found some fresh artichokes. So this will be much better."

  I leaned over and kissed her slowly and I felt her breath hitch against my mouth. "I love you."

  "Oh," she said, surprised. "I love you, too. Maybe this can be a second Lana'i weekend. Like a do-over."

  I wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her against me. "I don't need a do-over."

  She kissed me again. "The do-over is for me."

  I pulled back and saw the dish that was covered with a cloth on the bench. "Please tell me that's lemon meringue pie."

  The look on her face told me all I needed to know.

  There were no candles, this time, no flowers, no glass ceiling covering the bed and us in a starry sky. But it was still the first time all over again. Every touch felt new, our movements hesitant and shy after so long apart. She was scared but trying not to be, and I was terrified that I would freeze up again and disappoint her.

  "I think I'm even more nervous this time," she mumbled awkwardly.

  It had been about four months since I had touched her that way but it felt much longer than that. So much had happened. I reached behind my neck and pulled my shirt over my head, dropping it to the floor. Her eyes moved over my chest and then her fingertips followed, tracing the lines of my tattoos. I slipped the straps of her dress off her shoulders and she pushed it down over her breasts, past her stomach, over her hips. Her body had changed a lot since I had last seen her naked. Then, she was broken and thin. Now, the muscles in her arms were defined from working in the garden. She had put on weight, too, and her thighs and belly had their softness back. The wounds had healed, a couple of faded pink lines on her leg the only evidence that they'd ever been there at all.

  She slipped out of her underwear and stood back. I saw the nerves in her eyes, so much depended on that night, and I wanted to reassure her that not only did I want her, but I was ready. I wanted to feel that soul-connection again, even if it scared me.

  I took off my jeans and stepped out of my underwear and let her look at me in the way I was looking at her. "You're so beautiful, Tess," I said, taking the two steps it took to get to her.

  She put her hands on my hips and tilted her head back. "Kiss me."

  And so I did, bending down to press my lips against her and slipping my tongue into her mouth. She moaned quietly and placed her hands on my chest, pushing me back toward the bed. We lay together, side by side and face to face and paused for a moment before touching each other.

  "You made love to me on Lana'i," she whispered, running her fingers down my stomach. "I want to make you feel like that." She sat up and leaned over me, kissing me slowly as she took hold of me in her hand. I opened my mouth to say something but instantly forgot what it was. She told me to stop thinking and planted soft kisses down my neck, across my chest, along the grooves between my ribs. I ran my hands down her back, loving the feel of her skin on my hands again. She swung her leg over until she was on all fours leaning over me, so I put my hands around her waist, pulling her higher until I could kiss her breasts.

  I wanted to take my time learning her again, but Tessa had her own plans. I had barely touched her before she sat up, and holding me in one hand, gently lowered herself over me. I gripped her hip, hearing myself say her name in a voice that didn't sound like me at all. It was raw and loud, husky, and thick with desperation.

  She put her fingers over my lips as she pushed herself up and slowly lowered herself back down again. "Ssshhh. It's okay."

  "You feel.."

  "I know."

  "I want.."

  "I do, too."

  I locked my hands around her hips and moved her against me and she let her head drop back with a gasp. The wind had picked up outside, sending the new curtains Tess had chosen billowing away from the open windows and her hair across her face. I moved her over me, rocking her faster and faster as we both cried out, and the wind blew harder too, buffeting us with a warm wave of air that smelled like the sea. I wanted her to feel everything I was feeling and I knew I didn't have long, so I moved my hand between us and touched her gently, and she nodded, moving quicker, her fingers digging into my shoulders. The wind howled and we were lost in a storm, the waves dragging us up and down and our bodies thrown together. And then, when I felt her coming apart under my hands I rolled her onto her back and pulled her legs around my waist, thinking of nothing but her, how she felt, how much I loved her, and I buried my face in her neck, losing my fear as I lost myself.

  "God, I’ve missed you," I said into her stomach later as she stroked my head. "I can't believe I've wasted all of those nights in this bed with you, not doing that."

  I felt her chuckle, her belly shaking under my cheek. "I've missed you, too."

  "Seriously. I feel like I need to make up for lost time."

  She ran her fingertips over my shoulders, making me shiver. "Dr. Frania will be pleased."

  Chapter Forty One

  Things you should know:

  When you play the violin, it makes my heart break a little. You're very good, Dip. I know it reminds you of your mother but if there's one wish I have for you, it's that you take it back and make it about you. You're in control.

  "You finished for the night?" I asked her late one Saturday night at the studio. We'd been working on a song together, an acoustic folk type of sound with both of our vocals.

  She yawned and stretched her
arms above her head. "Yep. You?"

  I rubbed my eye with the heel of my hand and nodded. "Sleep."

  We got ready for bed and got in. There were only single beds in the studio, and Tess didn't like to sleep alone. On our first overnight, she'd climbed in with me after an hour of being in her own bed, and it had been that way ever since. There was no room for the both of us and I barely slept at all when I was there, but I didn't mind. I loved feeling her sleeping against my side.

  "How's things?" she asked sleepily as she rested her head on my chest. It was a question we'd started asking each other soon after our second 'first' night together.

  "Great. Tired, but happy. You?"

  She nuzzled into my chest. "Happy."

  I smiled in the darkness. Hearing happiness in her voice never got old. "I like that."

  "I was thinking, this is the longest I've ever stayed in one place. Can you believe that?"

  I stroked her hair, it had grown much longer by then, and she kissed my chest through my shirt. "Really?"

  "Uh-huh."

  Tess and I had avoided talking about the future ever since she'd come to live with us. In the beginning, all I thought about was getting her well again and then after a while, she just became part of our world. It was hard to imagine a time when she hadn't been stirring something on the stove or playing her violin in the evenings for Dad. I'd promised myself when I first met her that I would never try to tie her down and so far I'd managed to stick to that. The subject of her moving on had never come up, even when her inheritance from Garrett came through, making her a millionaire overnight. I wondered if it was coming up now.

  "Sleep tight, Kai," she said after a few minutes of silence.

  "Night."

  But I couldn't sleep. In the time I'd known Tess so much had changed but the hard truth remained; I was still needed on the island for the foreseeable future. It was hard enough for me, who had never traveled and never lived life on my own terms, let alone for someone like Tessa. I had watched in excitement as her energy and adventurous spirit slowly came back with her health and I knew in my heart that it could only be contained for so long. As I felt the rise and fall of her chest against my chest, I tried to imagine a few years into the future, coming home to Onakea to her every day. But as much as I wanted it, and as hard as I tried, I just couldn't see it.

  We'd saved the last notebook entry for the weekend so that we could read it while we were alone and uninterrupted. I knew that the book had given Tess a connection to Garrett that she'd desperately needed, and that finishing the last page was going to signify the ending of a period of mourning for her, and the beginning of the next. We had a slow start, reading the paper and tinkering with our song, and then she suddenly stood, picked the notebook up from where she'd left it on the top of the piano and walked outside.

  She was sitting on a sofa I'd put out on the deck for the occasion with a blanket over her knees and the notebook by her side when I walked out. I handed her a coffee as I sat down beside her. "Do you want to read this one, or should I?"

  She took a sip from her cup and settled herself back against the cushions. "You read it."

  I picked up the book and flipped to the back. It was the longest entry yet.

  I have reached the last few pages of the book. I always told myself that if I got to this point, I would stop talking shit and just tell you a story. This is the story, Dipper. It's yours.

  Once upon a time, there was a boy who lived in a trailer park just outside of New Orleans. He had a mother who worked hard but drank a lot, and he hadn't seen his father since he was three. The boy was a good kid, he tried hard in school but he had trouble paying attention and no matter what he did, he could never get anything right. The boy grew up, he moved away and he got a job at a tire shop working minimum wage cleaning up after hours. One day, a car pulled up just as the owner was closing up for the day and a man got out. He had on a suit and tie, shiny black shoes and thick, silver hair, and he shouted at the owner to open that door up because his new tire wasn't riding right. The owner did as he was told and the man followed him into the office. The man couldn't start work until the owner had left, so he sat down on a pile of tires destined for the tip and prepared himself for a long wait. He was looking out to the street, thinking about things, when he heard the car door open and someone get out on the other side. It was a girl in a short dress with daisies all over it and she had long, curly hair that hung down her back. She cast her eye to the door of the office and once she knew it was safe, she made her way over to the man and sat down, asking him if he had a cigarette. He didn't, but he had some weed, and she asked him if she could buy some later. He knew she was young but she looked smart enough, not the type to rat him out to her parents or blab about who she got it from, so he took the address she scribbled down for him and agreed to meet her at the party later.

  That night he was tired, he didn't get his shift started for almost an hour because of the man with the tire so he was late home. He was living in a shared house with three other guys, all of them drug addicts and all of them no good. He told them about the girl with the daisies on her dress and one of the guys said they should go to the party. He wanted to see her. So the four of them took two buses to the good side of town and made their way to a party with a bunch of kids much too young for them spilling out across the street. The man had smoked a joint right before they left so he was feeling fine, not even worried about looking like the creepy old guy at some kid's party. She was out front, waiting for him, and the dress with the daisies was gone. But she'd replaced it with something small and pink that was even better. She bought all of his weed and shoved it into the front of her bra and then she grabbed his hand and led him around the side of the house to the backyard. They sat on the swings getting high and he told her about the stars, making it all up as he went along because he didn't know shit. She knew it too, and she laughed at him until tears slid down her cheeks.

  She was the only person who ever made him feel like laughing and he thought she was pretty, and tough, and he realized that night that he wanted her. He thought that maybe she wanted him, too. They saw each other most days after that. She would walk past the shop just after closing and he would let her in and have sex with her on the boss's desk. And then afterward, they'd get stoned together and have tire rolling contests across the workshop floor.

  Oh, Dipper.

  I did love her. But I never knew if she really loved me. When we found out she was pregnant, I was ready to marry her. I had a small amount saved and I thought I could take care of her and the baby when the time came. But she didn't want to hear it. She wanted to get away from her parents and her school and what she called her 'heart numbing life' so she stole some money from her parents and said we should run away. And I wanted to. Because I loved her, I wanted to do anything that would make her happy. So we left.

  The money didn't last long, especially with a baby and she was starting to talk about going home and completing her senior year. But I knew that if she left I'd never see my kid again so I came up with a plan that could make us some more money. I knew a guy who needed someone trustworthy on his team, someone who could deliver drugs to a gang house in the next town. The money was good, maybe even enough to convince her to stay, so I said I'd do it. Only I never got the chance to make that money because there was a bust at the house as soon as I walked in the kitchen door. The cops were waiting, in fact, I believe I led them right there. I didn't have the drugs on me when they arrested me but I knew I didn't have a hope in hell of getting off without jail time. I wanted to call her from the station but we didn't have a phone. I thought she would look for me. But she never came.

  When I finally got out, the first thing I did was run to the apartment to find her. But it was empty and there was no forwarding address. I was pretty sure I had fucked it up, for good that time. I spent the next couple of years working odd jobs. Drinking a lot. Trying to stay away from drugs and sometimes succeeding. I met a good woman who li
ked a project and she decided to take me on, see if she could improve me a little, straighten me out. We got married and had a baby, then more babies after that. Every few weeks I'd get it into my head that there was another baby out there somewhere maybe all alone, and once I had that thought, Dip, it wouldn't leave me alone. I started drinking and when I wasn't drinking I was looking. And then one day, when I'd been searching on and off for about six years, I had a letter arrive. It had been sent to my parole officer and he'd passed it on (reading it first, of course). It was from her.

  She told me that she was sorry but she was tired of being a mother on her own. That it had worn her out. She'd met a new man who didn't want a kid and they were going north together. She was going to put my little girl on a bus by herself and send her away. There was no return address or phone number on the letter.

  I nearly died that night, Dipper. I stood on the bridge that ran over the railway tracks and shuffled forward until the toes of my boots were hanging in free air. But I knew that if I died, you'd have no one, and I believed I knew a little of what that felt like.

  It took me two years to find you.

  Dipper, Tessa Marie Lincoln, I am sorrier that I can ever say for the way your life began. You didn't deserve to have the parents you were given. I should have protected you and I didn't. But know this. I loved you when I was looking for you, always, I never stopped. I've loved you every minute of the last fourteen years since I found you. And I thank the Universe every single day for the chance to know the woman you've become because Lord knows, it's more than I deserve. I know you're angry. And I'm sorry for that, too. I have wanted to tell you a thousand times but I couldn't risk losing you again. You're a runner, Dipper. I couldn't have you run from me. Not after I'd finally found you.