MVP

by Rachel Van Dyken

  “Because it breaks my fucking heart!” he roared. “That's why!”

  I stumbled back.

  With tears in his eyes, he whispered. “And I don't have much of it left… so if you could please stop taking what working pieces I still have, I would appreciate it.”

  He walked off.

  And I stood there stunned, feeling very much like I was the reason for all the bad in his life when maybe he had been the reason for all the good in mine.

  Later that night I ignored the viral tweet of Jax smiling next to Noel.

  I ignored the tears that constantly streamed down my face.

  And I turned on the TV.

  And let myself cry.

  12

  Jax

  Noel smiled at my side. We laughed during dinner, touched at least a dozen times right in front of the cameras like we usually did, but that was it.

  People would assume whatever they wanted.

  Harley would see.

  And all would be well.

  I pulled up to the large iron gate, typed in the code, then took the car down the long tree-lined driveway, stopping just in front of the obnoxious water fountain. “I had fun we should—”

  “If you value your life, you won't finish that sentence with, ‘do it again sometime,’” Noel said through clenched teeth. “Look, Jax, I get it, I do. We’re using each other for a higher purpose or whatever, but you’re miserable! I’ve never seen you like this even after—”

  “If you value your life, you won't finish that sentence,” I parroted, knowing exactly what she would say. After the SIDS. After the breakup. After my heart stopped beating. “Look, I just need to make it through all the yoga shit. Then I won't be forced to see her all the time.”

  Noel clutched her white designer purse, her red shiny nails looking sharp and pristine against the leather. I chose to focus on that contrast instead of her pretty face, I knew I’d see disappointment there, and I was so tired of seeing that same look on every person I called friend.

  So damn tired.

  I would protect Harley until my dying day.

  I’d sworn to her that much and more.

  Sworn it to our child.

  And I would keep that oath even if it killed me.

  Pain lanced through my chest as I tried to suck in a breath.

  “I’ll text you. I have a benefit next week…” Noel said in a soft voice. Then she reached over and touched my thigh briefly before getting out of the car and slamming the door behind her.

  Tears filled my eyes as I stared at the steering wheel.

  It had been weeks since I’d been tempted.

  But I was too broken, too damn weak because of her.

  So, I gave in.

  I opened my glove box, a little light turned on, and there it was, the last picture we had taken as a family.

  I looked so fucking proud.

  A dad.

  A fiancé.

  Smiling from ear to ear with a protective arm around my family. I remember thinking, I did this, I helped create this child. Who am I to deserve this life?

  I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

  I swiped the tears on my cheeks, shut the glove box, and pulled the car out of park, my tires screeched as I drove back down the driveway. Belly laughs and giggles filled my head over and over again. I was so close to slipping.

  To accidently pulling the steering wheel to the right as the bridge was coming up.

  It would be front-page news.

  America’s Quarterback dies in a car accident but is reunited with his only reason for living.

  More tears streamed down my cheeks.

  I hadn’t cried.

  I refused to.

  And now I couldn’t stop it.

  I couldn’t fucking stop.

  My eyes blurred as I hit the accelerator harder, going well over a hundred as I swerved to pass car after car.

  My cell started ringing over the car speakers.

  My finger hovered near the red end button on my dash.

  Harley.

  I hit the green and gripped the steering wheel with both hands as I bit out, “What?”

  A few beats of silence and then. “You don’t sound like yourself.”

  I snorted through my tears. “Yeah well, you would know, huh? Oh wait…”

  “Stop being an ass.”

  “It’s what I do best.”

  My tears were starting to dry on my cheeks, I looked to my right as the water beneath me tempted me to do the unthinkable.

  I swerved.

  And passed another car.

  I was almost to the end of the bridge.

  The moment seemed to trap me in time. It should have been seconds before I was past the water. It felt like an eternity. Painful memories flashed through my brain, ones that made my chest hurt and my muscles burn with indignation.

  “It’s not fair,” I found myself saying with a crack to my voice. “It’s not fucking fair!”

  “What isn’t? Jax? You seriously don't sound like yourself. I’m not trying to be mean, but I don't know, I just, God knows I’m so angry and confused, but I felt like I needed to call you, even though you push me away on a daily basis and yell at me in front of your teammates.” She huffed into the phone. “This is ridiculous. What am I even doing?”

  “I wanted to drive off the bridge.” I said the words as I made my decision and kept my laser-like focus on the road. This was just another game.

  Just another touchdown.

  Only this time my opponent, my own worst enemy, was myself.

  “Jax.” Harley sounded like she was crying. “Please… I need you. Don’t focus on anything else, all right? Just focus on my voice and drive home.”

  “Home,” I repeated.

  “I’ll meet you at your apartment. Just stay on the phone with me, can you do that?”

  “Yeah,” I rasped. “I can do that.”

  I would look back on this conversation and remember nothing, not even the street lights, or the way the rain pelted my car like Seattle was experiencing its first hurricane. I wouldn’t even remember pulling into my parking space and seeing Harley with her blue hoody and gray leggings standing there, face pale, much like the expression she had worn after the hospital that day when all was lost, when our girl died.

  I got out of my car and stared at her.

  At half of my world.

  Knowing the other half was no longer with me.

  How did people deal with this pain and not spontaneously combust? And not go crazy?

  “Har—”

  She slammed her body against mine, arms wrapped around my neck, legs around my waist, and then she pulled back and gripped my head between her hands. “The world needs you. I need you. If you ever pull that shit again, I’m not only going to kick your ass, I’m going to handcuff you to a loop in my jeans and throw away the key.”

  I smiled at that. “You rarely wear jeans.”

  “You tell me you want to jump off a bridge, I threaten to shadow you for the rest of your existence, and you choose to fixate on my clothing choices?” Tears spilled over onto her cheeks. “Please, Jax, please promise me, promise that—”

  I kissed her. I had no idea what she wanted me to promise. And in that moment I didn’t care. All I needed was to taste life.

  Her life.

  The life we shared.

  Us.

  I needed to feel like an us again, because I was doing a shit job at functioning as myself.

  I tasted the salt of her tears as she deepened the kiss, her tongue fighting against mine for dominance as I turned around and pushed her against the car, angling my head for a deeper kiss, for more of her taste.

  “Inside.” She peppered kisses along my jawline. “Let’s get inside.”

  “You go inside with me…” I swallowed thickly as I eyed her swollen lips. “You won't be leaving tonight.”

  “I’d rather stay home,” she whispered. “With you.”

  13

&nb
sp; Harley

  I couldn’t stop shaking. His body was hot everywhere I touched, but it wasn’t enough. I tried to get closer as he held me in his arms, as he refused to let me go in the elevator. My teeth chattered. I hated this, I hated that everything about him felt right and yet so broken between us, between a past I couldn’t remember and one he wouldn’t share with me.

  All I knew is that if I lost him, if he walked out of my life, I wouldn’t survive it, something inside me told me that I’d already been put through hell when it came to Jax, when it came to us.

  I clung to him as the elevator lights flickered.

  And instead of moving up… the elevator just stopped.

  Lights flickered again.

  And then we were blanketed in complete darkness.

  I could feel his pulse beneath his skin, skyrocketing like mine, like maybe the universe needed to give us something else that was broken so we would find each other again, so we would stop dancing around the inevitable. The universe gave us a stalled elevator.

  We had no place to run.

  We had to face this.

  Our demons.

  Each other.

  I inhaled his spicy scent and turned around in his arms and waited, one heartbeat, two. I counted a sigh from his lips, and I felt my body buzz with awareness at his closeness. Funny how I wasn’t even worried about plummeting to my death, because I had Jax, and somehow that made everything okay. I was in his arms. Waiting, always waiting for him to make the move, to tell me everything, and then to follow it up with, “It will be okay, I’ve got you.”

  “Jax…” His name came out like a hoarse whisper as I clung to his wet T-shirt and felt his muscles beneath. “I need you the same way you need me.”

  His forehead touched mine. “I don’t just need you, Harley. I can’t seem to function without you.”

  “Charmer.” My voice shook.

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispered against my mouth. I strained toward him, ready for more kissing, more of his hands rubbing up and down my arms. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t stay away. I’m going to hurt you, and I can’t stop. I can’t. You have to make me—”

  I kissed him, then, and I tasted the yearning on his tongue, felt the need in his embrace as he returned my kiss and picked me up with one arm pressing my body against the cold wall of the elevator. My shirt went flying over my head while he drove his hips into me, deepening the kiss with velvet like strokes of his tongue. My hands dug into his wet hair as our mouths slid against one another, as our bodies fought for control when we both knew there was none to be found, not with us, not like this.

  I didn’t realize I was crying until he pulled back and swiped his thumbs across my cheeks and then kissed me tenderly down the neck, tugging at my leggings with his free hand. I squeezed my eyes shut as his mouth moved past my collarbone, his teeth grazed my bra strap as he tugged it down my right arm, and then my left. I prayed for the magical elevator to give us a few more minutes like this, where we didn’t have to look into each other’s eyes and see broken souls and promises. Maybe all we’d needed was darkness this whole time, a moment to just feel without really seeing and knowing there was so much more beneath this calm surface.

  Chaos and truths unsaid swirled between us as I clung to him, digging my nails into his skin, needing to hang on as his fingers found my core. The last part of my leggings and underwear were tugged off my feet and thrown to the floor, I heard the drop with such finality that I let out a gasp.

  This was happening.

  Me and Jax.

  The man I couldn’t remember, but somehow still loved.

  “I need you.” He ducked his head into my neck and tensed. “Please.”

  “You have me.” I gripped the sides of his face with my hands and pulled him down for a hungry kiss as he thrust into me. My legs wrapped around his narrow hips as he filled me. And for the first time since waking up in that hospital bed, I felt whole.

  I was home.

  He was my home.

  Images of us laughing together, teasing, filled my brain on such overdrive that I had a hard time placing them with the feeling of rightness as he pumped into me, my head fell back against the wall hitting it hard enough for me to wince, and then more images as he drove forward with a curse.

  “Needed you so bad.” He gripped my ass with his hands.

  “Jax!” I clung to him, afraid this was a dream and he’d let go, I didn’t want it to end. I could feel him everywhere, see him in my mind, this was familiar, us together, frantic.

  Always frantic.

  “Soup.” Jax grinned at me. “I could do soup.”

  The conversation was like watching a movie on repeat. And then we were both standing in his apartment and we were in his bed having sex, no condom, and I remember not caring, thinking this is the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life. I know he’s clean. And if I get pregnant, maybe his dad…

  Jax’s dad.

  Wait.

  Jax let out another curse as his hips pumped faster.

  I felt my release coming too fast, I needed to stay in this moment, to remember, I needed to remember. I held back, felt his frustration as his fingers moved between us.

  No.

  I shook my head back and forth.

  “I give you my blessing…” His father was on his death bed.

  They took shots at his funeral.

  Why didn’t I take a shot?

  I’m back in Jax’s apartment. I’m touching my belly and laughing while Jax throws something across the baby’s room and yells how the directions are wrong.

  We christen the room.

  And I’m back in the present, with the love of my broken life, in his arms finally letting go feeling him chase me, body shaking.

  I slid down the elevator wall and hung my head in my hands. “I remember.”

  Jax went completely still. All I could hear was his heavy breathing and the tension in the elevator as the lights flickered back on and we started moving.

  I was half naked on the floor. His eyes were bloodshot as he stared at me, motionless like a pretty statue.

  “I remember everything.”

  Jax turned and rammed his fist into the elevator wall and hung his head. “I wish I was dead too.”

  14

  Jax

  I was breathing hard.

  Frantic.

  Heartbroken.

  Harley looked up at me, not with thankfulness in her eyes but sheer betrayal. She pressed her fingers to her forehead, licked her swollen lips, and then reared back and punched me in the chest.

  “Shit!” She shook her fist and started jumping up and down.

  I deserved that. “Are you okay?”

  “No, Jax!” she screamed. “I’m not okay! “I’m trapped on an elevator with the father of my dead child, and the memories keep coming like a freight train, my brain hurts, my heart is broken, and you want to know if I’m all right?”

  This was what I had tried to prevent.

  This is why I should have stayed away.

  I hung my head. “Har—”

  “Don’t you ‘Har’ me You kept this from me!”

  I glared at her, barely making out her face in the dim lighting. “I vowed to always love you, to always keep you safe. I promised our little girl—” I choked on the sob that wanted to release. “I promised her I’d do everything in my power to make sure you didn’t bear this burden alone, and the minute you’re finally able to breathe because you don’t feel like the news of her death is suffocating you to death every waking hour — you say I kept it from you?”

  She shoved against me. I caught her by the arms, and then she was trying to hit me again, her hands flew at my chest, my face.

  Finally, I just wrapped my massive arms around her and held her tight. “Stop, Har. It won’t make you feel better. Trust me nothing will make it feel better.”

  “We were supposed to be a team,” she finally said in a harsh whisper. “You and me… an
d you made me think I was crazy, like I was losing my mind over this empty feeling I’ve had since the accident.” She gasped. “It’s been a year of lies, Jax! Why didn’t anyone say anything? Grandma? Our friends?”

  “A year where you didn’t wake up sobbing in my arms, yes,” I answered softly. “I made them promise, and in the end the doctors said that it could shock you too much that it could be harmful, so they let me give you the lie. A year, Harley, a year since you woke up sobbing in my arms.”

  “I did that,” she admitted.

  “Every night,” I added. “And you needed someone to blame, Har, we both did. It ripped us apart. Our love was stripped from us the minute she left this earth.”

  Harley burst into tears. “She was so small.”

  “She was perfect.”

  “And she wasn’t crying. She slept through the night, I was so relieved.” She started to cry harder. “Because I’d been so tired, and I just wanted a break. I could have saved her, Jax, I could have—”

  “No.” I cupped her chin. “Look at me.”

  I could barely make out her eyes, but I felt her tears slide down her cheeks, hitting me, stripping my emotions bare with each drop.

  “It wasn’t your fault. Don’t you see? That’s the only reason I let you walk out that door was because I knew you needed someone to blame, and I love you too much for you to take that on. Blame me, blame God, blame the damn apartment being too stuffy, or the crib being too big for her, blame all of the above.” I swallowed hard, forcing my sorrow down before it choked me. “Just don’t blame yourself, all right? Don’t.”

  She pressed her forehead to my chest as the elevator shuddered. But it kept traveling slowly upward… to the apartment we used to share together.

  To the life we should have had.

  Except we were empty, both of us.

  Broken.

  Our hearts severed because we were missing a little girl with wispy blonde curls and blue eyes.

  I squeezed my eyes shut as the elevator doors opened.

  Harley was still clinging to me when we walked side by side to the apartment. I shoved the key in the door lock, turned it.