by Fanny Burney
CHAPTER XIX
Ellis entered into the chamber with Elinor; who, equally exhausted inbody and in mind, flung herself upon her bed, where she remained sometime totally mute: her eyes wide open, yet looking at nothing,apparently in a state of stupefaction; but from which, in a few minutes,suddenly starting, and taking Ellis by the hand, with a commanding air,she abruptly said, 'Ellis, are you fixed to marry Lord Melbury?'
Ellis positively disclaimed any such idea.
'What am I to infer?' cried Elinor, with returning and frightfulagitation; 'Will you be firm to your engagement? Is it truly yourdecision to refuse the hand of Harleigh, though he were to offer ityou?'
Ellis shuddered, and looked down; but answered, 'I will surely, Madam,never forget my engagement!'
The most perfect calm now succeeded to the many storms which had bothimpelled and shattered Elinor; and, after swallowing a copious draughtof cold water, she laid her head upon her pillow, and fell into aprofound and heavy, though not tranquil sleep.
Ellis, unable to conjecture in what frame of mind she might wake, didnot dare leave her. She sat watchfully by her side, amazed to see, that,with such energy of character, such quickness of parts, such strength ofcomprehension, she not only gave way to all her impulses like a child,but, like a child, also, when over-fatigued, could suddenly lose hersufferings and her remembrance in a sort of spontaneous slumber.
But the balmy rest of even spirits, and a composed mind, was far fromElinor; exhausted nature claimed some respite from frantic exertion, andobtained it; but no more. She awoke then; yet, though it was with afrightful start, even this short repose proved salutary, not only toher nerves, but to her intellects. Her passions became less inflamed,and her imagination less heated; and, though she remained unchanged inher plans, and impenitent in her opinions, she acknowledged herselfsensible to the strangeness of her conduct; and not without shame forits violence. These, however, were transitory sensations: one regretalone hung upon her with any serious weight: this was, having sufferedher dagger to be seen and seized. She feared being suspected of a merepuerile effort, to frighten from Harleigh an offer of his hand, inmenacing what she had not courage, nor, perhaps, even intention toperform.
This suggestion was intolerable: she blushed with shame as it crossedher mind. She shook with passion, as she considered, that such might bethe disgraceful opinion, that might tarnish the glory that she meant toacquire, by dying at the feet of the object of her adoration, at thevery moment of yielding to the happier star of an acknowledged rival; awilling martyr to successless, but heroick love.
She was now tempted to prove her sincerity by her own immediatedestruction. 'And yet,' she cried, 'shall I not bear what Harleighbears? Shall I not know the destiny of Harleigh?'
This idea again reconciled her to present life, though not to her actualsituation; and she ruminated laboriously, for some time, in gloomysilence; from which, however, breaking with sudden vivacity, 'No, no!'she cried: 'I will not risk any aspersing doubt; I will shew him I havea soul that strenuously emulates the nobleness of his own. He shall see,he shall confess, that no meanness is mixt with the love of Elinor. Heshall not suppose, because she glories in its undisguised avowal, thatshe waits in humble hope for a turn in her favour; that she is acandidate for his regard; a supplicant for his compassion! No! he shallsee that she is frank without weakness, and free from every species ofdissimulation or stratagem.'
She then rushed out of the room, shutting the door after her, andcommanding Ellis not to follow: but Ellis fearing every moment somedreadful catastrophe, softly pursued her, till she saw her enter theservants' hall; whence, after giving some orders, in a low voice andhurried manner, to her own footman, she re-mounted to her chamber; intowhich, without opposition, or even notice, Ellis also glided.
Here, eagerly seizing a pen, with the utmost rapidity, though with manyblots, and frequent erazures, she wrote a long letter, which she readand altered repeatedly before she folded; she then wrote a shorter one;then rang for her maid, to whom she gave some secret directions, whichshe finished by commanding that she would find out Mr Harleigh, anddesire that he would go immediately to the summer-house.
In about a quarter of an hour, which she spent in reading, revising,sealing, and directing her letters, the maid returned; and, after a longwhisper, said, that she had given the message to Mr Harleigh.
Turning now to Ellis, with a voice and air of decision, that seemedimperiously to forbid resistance, she put into her hand the long letterwhich she had just written, and said, 'Take this to him immediately;and, while he reads it, mark every change of his countenance, so as tobe able to deduce, and clearly to understand, the sensations which passin his mind.'
When Ellis expostulated upon the utter impropriety of her following MrHarleigh, she sternly said, 'Give the letter, then, to whatever otherperson you judge most proper to become a third in my confidence!'
She then nearly forced her out of the room.
Ellis did not dare venture to keep the letter, as she wished, till someopportunity should offer for presenting it quietly, lest some highimportance should be annexed to its quick delivery; yet she felt that itwould be cruel and indelicate to make over such a commission to another;in opposition, therefore, to the extremest personal repugnance, shecompelled herself, with fearful and unwilling, yet hasty steps, toproceed again to the summer-house.
She found Harleigh, with an air at once pensive and alarmed, waiting forElinor; but at the unexpected sight of Ellis, and of Ellis alone, everyfeature brightened; though his countenance, his manner, his whole frame,evinced increased agitation.
Anxious to produce her excuse, for an intrusion of which she feltutterly ashamed, she instantly presented him the letter, saying, 'MissJoddrel would take no denial to my being its bearer. She has evencharged me to remain with you while you read it.'
'Were that,' said he, expressively, 'the severest pain she inflicts uponme, I should soon become her debtor for feelings that leave painapart!--Urgent, indeed, was my desire to see you again, and withoutdelay; for after what has passed this morning, silence and forbearanceare no longer practicable.'
'Yet, at this moment,' said Ellis, striving but ineffectually to speakwithout disturbance; 'it will be impossible for me to defer returning tothe house.'
'Yet if not now, when?'
'I know not--but she will be very impatient for some account of herletter.'
'She will, at least, not be desperate, since she expects, and thereforewill wait for you; how, then, can I hope to find a more favourableopportunity, for obtaining a few instants of your time?'
'But, though she may not be desperate just now, is it not possible, Sir,that my staying may irritate, and make her so?'
'That unhappily, is but too true! There is no relying upon the patience,or the fortitude, of one so completely governed by impulse; and whoconsiders her passions as her guides to glory,--not as the subtlestenemies of every virtue! Nevertheless, what I feel for her is far beyondwhat, situated as I now am with her, I dare express--Yet, at thismoment--'
'Will you not read her letter?'
'That you may run away?' cried he, half smiling; 'no, at this moment Iwill not read her letter, that you may be forced to stay!'
'You cannot wish me to make her angry?'
'Far, far from it! but what chance have I to meet you again, if I loseyou now? Be not alarmed, I beg: she will naturally conclude that I amstudying her letter; and, but for an insuperable necessity of--of someexplanation, I could, indeed think of no other subject: for dreadful isthe impression which the scene that I have just had with her has madeupon my nerves.--Ah! how could she imagine such a one calculated toengage my heart? How wide is it from all that, to me, appearsattractive! Her spirit I admire; but where is the sweetness I couldlove? I respect her understanding; but where is the softness that shouldmake it charm while it enlightens? I am grateful for her partiality; butwhere is the dignity that might ennoble it, or the delicacy that mightmake it as refined as it is flatte
ring? Where--where the soul'sfascination, that grows out of the mingled excellencies, the blendedharmonies, of the understanding with the heart and the manners?'
Vainly Ellis strove to appear unconscious of the comparison, and theapplication, which the eyes of Harleigh, yet more pointedly than hiswords, marked for herself in this speech: her quickly rising blushesdivulged all that her stillness, her unmoved features tried to disguise;and, to get rid of her confusion, she again desired that he would openthe letter, and with an urgency which he could not resist. He merelystipulated that she would wait to hear his answer; and then read whatfollows.
'For Albert Harleigh.
'I am sick of the world, yet still I crawl upon its surface. I scorn and defy the whole human race, yet doom myself to be numbered in its community. While you, Albert Harleigh, you whom alone, of all that live and breath, I prize,--you, even your sight, I, from this moment, eternally renounce! Such the mighty ascendance of the passion which you have inspired, that I will sooner forego that only blessing--though the universe without it is a hateful blank to my eyes--than risk opposing the sway of your opinion, or suffer you to think me ignoble, though you know me to be enslaved. O Harleigh! how far from all that is vile and debasing is the flame, the pure, though ardent flame that you have kindled! To its animating influence I am indebted for one precious moment of heavenly truth; and for having snatched from the grave, which in its own nothingness will soon moulder away my frame, the history of my feelings.
'I have conquered the tyrant false pride; I have mocked the puerilities of education; I have set at nought and defeated even the monster custom; but you, O Harleigh! you I obey, without waiting for a command; you, I seek to humour, without aspiring to please! To you, my free soul, my liberated mind, my new-born ideas, all yield, slaves, willing slaves, to what I only conceive to be your counsel, only conjecture to be your judgment; that since I have failed to touch your heart, after having opened to you my own, a total separation will be due to my fame for the world, due to delicacy for myself....
'Be it so, Albert ... we will part!--Though my fame, in my own estimation, would be elevated to glory; by the publication of a choice that does me honour; though my delicacy would be gratified, would be sanctified, by shewing the purity of a passion as spotless as it is hopeless--yet will I hide myself in the remotest corner of the universe, rather than resist you even in thought. O Albert! how sovereign is your power!--more absolute than the tyranny of the controlling world; more arbitrary than prescription; more invincible than the prejudices of ages!--You, I cannot resist! you, I shall only breathe to adore!--to bear all you bear,--the tortures of disappointment, the abominations of incertitude; to say, Harleigh himself endures this! we suffer in unison! our woes are sympathetic!--O word to charm all the rigour of calamity!.... Harleigh, I exist but to know how your destiny will be fulfilled, and then to come from my concealment, and bid you a last farewell! to leave upon the record of your memory the woes of my passion; and then consign myself for ever to my native oblivion. Till then, adieu, Albert Harleigh, adieu!
'ELINOR JODDREL.'
Harleigh read this letter with a disturbance that, for a while, whollyabsorbed his mind in its contents. 'Misguided, most unfortunate, yetadmirable Elinor!' he cried, 'what a terrible perversion is here ofintellect! what a confusion of ideas! what an inextricable chaos offalse principles, exaggerated feelings, and imaginary advancement in newdoctrines of life!'
He paused, thoughtfully and sadly, till Ellis, though sorry to interrupthis meditations, begged his directions what to say upon returning to thehouse.
'What her present plan may be,' he answered, 'is by no means clear; butso boundless is the licence which the followers of the new systems allowthemselves, that nothing is too dreadful to apprehend. Religion is, ifpossible, still less respected than law, prescriptive rights, or any ofthe hitherto acknowledged ties of society. There runs through herletter, as there ran through her discourse this morning, a continualintimation of her disbelief in a future state; of her defiance of allrevealed religion; of her high approbation of suicide.--The fatal deedfrom which you rescued her, had no excuse to plead from suddendesperation; she came prepared, decided, either to disprove hersuspicions, or to end her existence!--poor infatuated, yet highly giftedElinor!--what can be done to save her; to recall her to the use of herreason, and the exercise of her duties?'
'Will you not, Sir, see her? Will you not converse with her upon thesepoints, in which her mind and understanding are so direfully warped?'
'Certainly I will; and I beg you to entreat for my admission. I mustseek to dissuade her from the wild and useless scheme of seclusion andconcealment. But as time now presses, permit me to speak, first, uponsubjects which press also,--press irresistibly, unconquerably!--Yourplan of becoming a governess--'
'I dare not stay, now, to discuss any thing personal; yet I cannotrefrain from seizing a moment that may not again offer, for making mysincerest apologies upon a subject--and a declaration--I shall neverthink of without confusion. I feel all its impertinence, its inutility,its presumption; but you will make, I hope, allowance for the excess ofmy alarm. I could devise no other expedient.'
'Tell me,' cried he, 'I beg, was it for her ... or for me that it wasuttered? Tell me the extent of its purpose!'
'You cannot, surely, Sir, imagine--cannot for a moment suppose, that Iwas guided by such egregious vanity as to believe--' She stopt,extremely embarrassed.
'Vanity,' said he, 'is out of the question, after what has just passed;spare then, I beseech, your own candour, as well as my suspense, allunnecessary pain.'
'I entreat, I conjure you, Sir,' cried Ellis, now greatly agitated,'speak only of my commission!'
'Certainly,' he answered, 'this is not the period I should have chosen,for venturing upon so delicate--I had nearly said so perilous a subject;but, so imperiously called upon, I could neither be insincere, norpusillanimous enough, to disavow a charge which every feeling rose toconfess!--Otherwise--just now,--my judgment, my sense of propriety,--allin the dark as I am--would sedulously, scrupulously, have constrained myforbearance, till I knew--' He stopt, paused, and then expressively, yetgently added, 'to whom I addressed myself!'
Ellis coloured highly as she answered, 'I beg you, Sir, to consider allthat was drawn from you this morning, or all that might be inferred, asperfectly null--unpronounced and unthought.'
'No!' cried he with energy, 'no! To have postponed an explanation wouldhave been prudent,--nay right:--but every sentiment of my mind, filledwith trust in your worth, and reverence for your virtues, forbids now, arecantation! Imperious circumstances precipitated me to your feet--butmy heart was there already!'
So extreme was the emotion with which Harleigh uttered these words, thathe perceived not their effect upon Ellis, till gasping for breath, andnearly fainting, she sunk upon a chair; when so livid a palenessoverspread her face, and so deadly a cold seemed to chill her blood,that, but for a friendly burst of tears, which ensued, her vital powersappeared to be threatened with immediate suspension.
Harleigh was instantly at her feet; grieved at her distress, yet charmedwith a thousand nameless, but potent sensations, that whispered to everypulse of his frame, that a sensibility so powerful could spring onlyfrom too sudden a concussion of pleasure with surprise.
He had hardly time to breathe forth a protestation, when the sight ofhis posture brought back the blood to her cheeks, and force to herlimbs; and, hastily rising, with looks of blushing confusion, yet with asigh that spoke internal anguish, 'I cannot attempt,' she cried, 'MrHarleigh,--I could not, indeed, attempt--to express my sense of yourgenerous good opinion!--yet--if you would not destine me to eternalmisery, you must fly me--till you can forget this scene--as you wouldwish me to fly perdition!'
She rose to be gone; but Harleigh stopt her, crying, in a tone ofama
zement, 'Is it possible,--can it be possible, that with intellectssuch as yours, clear, penetrating, admirable, you can conceive eternalmisery will be your portion, if you break a forced engagement made witha mad woman?--and made but to prevent her immediate self-destruction?'
Shaking her head, but averting her eyes, Ellis would neither speak notbe detained; and Harleigh, who durst not follow her, remainedconfounded.