by E. L. Todd
“I find that hard to believe.”
“What did he say when you told him you were gay?”
I shrugged. “He didn’t care.”
“That’s something.”
“Finn isn’t the kind of guy to have strong opinions about other people…or what other people believe.”
“He minds his own business.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I drank my wine then watched the waitress set our dishes in front of us. I had a sizzling steak, and he got the salmon. It was nice to have a relationship that was molding into a comfortable friendship. The physical desire was still there, but our relationship was deepening into something better than sex.
“So you’re never going to talk to him again?”
“That’s not possible, unfortunately.”
“You’re never going to be close to him again, then?”
“I wasn’t close with him in the first place…” As his actions indicated.
Instead of grabbing his silverware and digging into his food, he gave me a strong stare across the table. “I’ve been gay my whole adult life, and I’ve lost a lot of people along the way because of that. Sometimes, it’s for the best. Sometimes, it’s not. But if your brother has been supportive of you during the most difficult time in your life…maybe he deserves a second chance.”
“So he’s vindicated because he doesn’t have a problem with me being gay?” I asked incredulously. “So, if he murdered Pepper, that would be okay too?”
“I’m just giving you some perspective.” He grabbed his knife and cut into his salmon.
My phone started to vibrate in my pocket, so I pulled it out to check the screen.
Finn was calling me.
Just looking at his name pissed me off. I didn’t want to hear his voice or his apologies. If he said I’d left something at the house, then he could keep it. I’d rather lose my possessions than have to talk to him. I declined the call and slipped the phone back inside my pocket.
“Do you need to get that?” Tom asked.
“No…it was no one important.”
A week later, I woke up to an empty apartment. Zach had spent the night at Stella’s, so I had the place to myself. My new apartment would officially be available on Monday, so Zach and I would move everything then.
I had some coffee and turned on the TV. I was in my sweatpants and t-shirt, still tired after sleeping on the old couch all night long. I’d stayed at Tom’s on Thursday and Friday, and I didn’t want to overstay my welcome.
A knock sounded at the door.
I took another sip of my coffee then peeked through the peephole.
It was Finn.
He’d ditched his sweatpants and put on real clothes, jeans and a dark blue hoodie. His head was tilted down slightly, and his hands rested in his pockets, his gaze directed away from the peephole. With a perfectly shaved jawline, he looked like he’d showered before he came over here on a Saturday morning.
I wondered if Pepper had spent the night.
Jealousy moved through me, a sensation I couldn’t explain. I wasn’t exactly sure why I was jealous at all. Was I jealous of her? Because I’d been married to her for so long? Or was I jealous of him? Jealous that my ex-wife had fallen in love again so quickly…with my brother.
“I’ll stand here all day if I have to.” Finn must have heard my footsteps or the sound of the TV in the living room.
I knew exactly why he was there, but I was surprised anyway. I’d assumed he would let this go, let our relationship fall into ruin because it couldn’t be repaired. No act of contrition would make me look at him the same.
I opened the door, my eyes locking on to his. We had the same eye color, and that defining characteristic made it obvious we were related. I kept my hand on the doorknob because he wasn’t welcome inside. “Can I help you?” I tried not to sound like such an ass, but my rage took on a life of its own.
Finn stared at me with his stoic expression, always appearing confident and masculine without saying a single word. It used to be an attitude I admired, but now that I had no respect for him, I thought it was just obnoxious. He rubbed the back of his head, showing the ink that peeked out from underneath his sleeve. “You gonna let me in?”
“Why would I do that? They say never let a stranger into your apartment.”
His eyes narrowed slowly, clearly wounded by that smartass remark. “They also say you shouldn’t start a fight with a stranger.” He pushed my arm down and let himself inside.
I didn’t push him back out. Finn was an opponent I could never defeat. I shut the door behind him. “Yes…please come in.”
Finn turned around and faced me. “I’ve given you space for the past week. But now, I want to talk.”
“What’s there to talk about?”
He tilted his head slightly, his blue eyes full of a hostile sheen. “Us.”
“There is no us, Finn. You made your choice. Live with it.”
He pulled his hands out of his pockets and took a deep breath, his powerful chest rising with the motion. “I apologized.”
“An apology doesn’t exonerate your crime.”
“You’re going to punish me forever?”
“I’m going to punish you longer than a week,” I snapped.
He rubbed his palm along his jaw, smoothing out his annoyance. “Colton, I want to make this right—”
“If you wanted to make it right, you wouldn’t have fucked my ex-wife. If you wanted to do this the right way, you would have talked to me first. You wouldn’t have snuck around behind my back for god knows how long. You had plenty of chances to make it right, but you never did. You could have even told me what was going on, but instead, you asked for my permission as if nothing had happened.” I shook my head. “It’s crazy that I used to look up to you… Now I have no respect for you.”
As if my brother had been stabbed in the gut, he dropped his eyes to where the stab wound would be.
“I don’t want to make this right, Finn. I want you to leave me alone.”
“It was a complicated situation, alright? I never would have done something like this in a million years. I’ve never slept with another’s wife, even when I could have gotten away with it. I would never sleep with a friend’s ex either. With Pepper…it was different.”
“And that makes it right?”
“No. She’s just…amazing. She’s different from other girls I’ve met. The second she came into my life, I stopped wanting anyone else. There’s something about her that turned me into a different man. I can’t explain it—”
“Yes, she’s incredible,” I said in a bored voice. “Why do you think I married her? Why do you think she’s still my best friend?”
“Colt, I said I was sorry, and I meant it. Meet me halfway here.”
“I don’t have to meet you anywhere, asshole.”
He slid his hands back into his pockets. “I don’t know what else to do.”
“There’s nothing for you to do. I just feel stupid for trusting you.”
“I’m not a bad guy, Colt. This is a special circumstance—”
“Yeah, it is. Because you screwed over your brother.”
He shut his mouth and clenched his jaw, the irritation visible in his eyes.
“I was excited when you moved back to Seattle because I thought we could get close. I never really got to know you after I turned sixteen. Maybe it’s stupid, but I looked up to you. You were my big brother, the war hero and the doctor…but now it’s obvious you never cared about me. You never cared about getting close to me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It seems that way,” I said coldly. “You did the worst thing a man could possibly do to his brother.”
“No,” he said firmly. “The worst thing I could have done was sleep with your wife while you were married to her. That never would have happened.”
“Why not?” I demanded. “What’s the difference?”
“You know what the difference is.”
; “And what would have stopped you then if you couldn’t stop yourself now?”
“Let’s not play this game, Colton,” he argued.
I stepped away, getting angrier the longer I looked at him. “I’m done with this conversation.”
Finn didn’t move an inch. “We need to work this out.”
“No.”
“We’re family.”
“Pepper is more of my family than you are. Zach is my family. You were here for just a few months before you got into bed with Pepper. Zach never would have done that to me.”
“Because he wouldn’t have what I have with her.”
I rolled my eyes. “She could be your damn soul mate, and it wouldn’t make a difference. You totally crossed the line and ventured into unforgivable territory. What would you do if I slept with your ex-wife?”
“I don’t have an ex-wife.”
“Then pretend it’s Pepper. Pretend you loved each other, and then I came along and got naked with her.”
He did his best to keep a straight face, but his cheeks were starting to turn red.
“That’s what I thought. Now get the fuck out.”
Finn stood his ground even though he was livid. “What’s your plan? What if Pepper and I are together for years? You’re just not going to talk to me at all? What if we get married?”
I scoffed. “It won’t last that long. You’ll be gone in the next three months. Trust me on that.”
His eyes narrowed. “You’re hoping I’ll break Pepper’s heart?”
“No. But I know it’s going to happen anyway.”
3
Pepper
I walked across the hall and stepped through the open doorway into the apartment where I used to live. I remembered where the Christmas tree went every December, where we used to keep the mail until the pile started to fall over. Now there were boxes everywhere as Colton prepared to move back in.
Our relationship wasn’t the same, and there was a palpable tension between us. But he didn’t seem angry with me, and since this situation was so critical, I didn’t mention Finn. That would just stir the pot—when the water was already boiling.
I opened one of the boxes on the floor and pulled out a stack of dishes. “Feels good to be back?”
“Yes.” He pulled out the coffeemaker and placed it on the kitchen counter. “It’ll be nice to have my own space again. I’m always crashing at Tom’s because he doesn’t have any roommates. Now I can have him over for dinner.”
“That’ll be nice.”
He plugged in the machine then moved to the next box. “And it’ll be nice to be close to you again. You’ll eat all my food, but I always buy extra because I know that will happen.”
I rolled my eyes. “You act like I’m a garbage disposal.”
“That’s a good term for it.”
“You know, I could just let you unpack on your own…”
“No. You need to work for all that free food you’re going to get from me.”
I carried the stack of dishes to the counter and started to put them away in the cupboard. “I think that’s fair, as long as you’re cooking something good.” I put everything away then shut the door. The longer we worked together, the less tense it felt. When we engaged in playful banter, we started to forget about the uncomfortable truth dividing us. “So, Stella and Zach…that’s still going.”
“He’s over the moon.” When he finished emptying a cardboard box, he broke it down so he could drop it in the recycling bin. “He’s wanted Stella since I can remember, and thanks to me, he got her.”
“Thanks to you?”
“I told him to tell her off when she was using him. When he stopped being a pushover, she finally respected him. A woman like Stella needs to be with a man she respects.”
“That’s good advice.”
“And it worked. He’s getting laid because of me.”
I opened another box and found an assortment of picture frames. There was a picture of him and his parents, him and Zach, and the two of us on our wedding day. I’d worn a strapless sweetheart neckline dress with a mermaid bottom. I stared at it as I remembered that day, remembered how perfect it was.
Colton walked over to me. “Let’s put those on the entryway table.”
“You’re going to put this picture up?” I asked in surprise. I’d taken all my stuff down because it was too difficult to look at.
“Why wouldn’t I?” He took the picture out of my hand and set it on the table. “Still the happiest day of my life.”
Comments like that reminded me why I fell in love with him in the first place. And why it was so hard to get over him when we signed those papers. He had such a big heart, the kind that wouldn’t fit on his sleeve because it was just too heavy. “Why wasn’t it up before?”
“It was in my bedroom. I took it from the living room because…” He never finished the sentence.
But I could fill in the blanks. He’d taken the picture down because it would be too difficult for me to look at it, at least at the start of our breakup. The memory of our wedding day was so heartbreaking that I packed all my stuff away and dropped it off at the storage center. Looking at those photos only reminded me of everything I’d lost.
He cleared his throat then moved to the next box. “Are you happy I’m back, or do you prefer Damon?”
“Well, Damon didn’t ask me to help him unpack so…”
He chuckled and pulled out his silverware and coffee mugs. “Sounds like a good neighbor.”
“Yes. And he was quiet.”
“But he was hot.”
I shrugged, not finding any other man nearly as hot as Finn.
He carried his things to the kitchen and started to put them in the correct drawers and cabinets.
Finn wasn’t open about his feelings, but I could tell his strained relationship with Colton was killing him. Finn was trying to earn Colton’s forgiveness, but it didn’t seem possible. I wanted to talk to Colton myself, but since I also wanted to keep our brittle relationship intact, I didn’t want to risk making it worse. “How are things going with Tom?” It felt strange not to mention the most important thing going on in my life right now—Finn. I didn’t see how this could work, because I couldn’t pretend Finn didn’t exist anytime Colton was around.
“Really good. I know he’s my first, so I don’t have a lot of experience, but it feels right. We can talk about anything, and we have a strong physical relationship. It’s perfect…”
That was exactly how I felt about Finn. “I’m happy for you. Think you’ll introduce him to your parents?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. We buried the hatchet, but that still seems weird right now. My mom will probably start sobbing when she realizes you’ve officially been replaced.”
If she knew I was dating Finn, maybe she would feel better about it. Or maybe she would think that was weird. I really didn’t know.
“I feel bad for Tom because he has impossible shoes to fill.”
“Well, I’m sure his feet are bigger than mine, so that shouldn’t be too hard. You guys ever talk about moving in together?”
“Not yet. Seems too soon for that.”
If Finn asked me to move in, I would probably jump at the opportunity. “We should all go to dinner. I’ve met Tom a few times but haven’t really spent any time with him.”
“Yeah, that would be cool. What about tomorrow?”
“I’m free.”
“Great. The three of us can go to that Italian place we like.”
I stiffened when he mentioned the number of people in the party. Did he really think I would exclude Finn from everything? “Well, I would assume it would be four people…”
Colton stopped and looked at me, his eyebrow raised. Slowly, it came down again, disappointment replacing his surprise.
“I know you have your issues with Finn, but he’s the man I’m seeing. I can’t exclude him from things just because you don’t like him.” I wanted to be there for Colton, but if Colton co
ntrolled all the parameters of my relationship, then it would never last.
Colton turned away and then finished putting the mugs in the cabinet. “I guess I understand.”
At least he wasn’t completely irrational.
“Let’s skip the dinner.”
I stopped my lips from making a sigh, but my irritation was still conspicuous. “Colton, if you really want me to be happy, you’re going to have to make this work. Because if you keep acting like this, you’re going to make me choose between you two all the time. Don’t force me to decide between the two men I love.”
He shut the drawer and finally looked at me again. “Fine.”
“Finn feels really terrible about—”
“Let’s not do this. I don’t want to talk about him. It’s hard enough not to think about him when I’m with you as it is.”
“I just think you should cut him some slack.”
“I don’t think I should do anything,” he snapped. “Just drop it, Pepper. I don’t want to fix the relationship. He’s still my brother, so I’ll see him on holidays and go to his funeral when he dies. But I don’t have to be his friend. I opened my home to him when he came to Seattle, and he repaid me by sneaking around with you. The guy is an asshole. Other than his looks, I don’t know what you see in him.”
I should have dropped the conversation and tried to recover whatever was left of the afternoon, but I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. “I see a lot of amazing things in that man. You’re destroying his character based on one wrongdoing, which isn’t fair.”
“It’s a big wrongdoing.”
“He’s still a good man, one of the best men I know. When your old boss was being a dickhead to you, Finn marched down to his office and punched him in the face. I know it happened because I was there.”
Colton didn’t react right away. It took a moment for the words to pierce his hard exterior before reaching his heart. His tense expression slackened slightly.
“I need you to work this out, Colton. And if not for you and Finn, then at least for me. Because I love this man, and I love you. You’re making it impossible to love you both at the same time.”
He bowed his head then turned away. “I’ll think about it.”