The Lover

by E. L. Todd

  “There’s not going to be a bigger offer than that.”

  “Until you start working in the Philippines or somewhere else. Finn, you know I want a family. Did you propose to me assuming I would change my mind?”

  “No.” Now we were both on edge, both holding ourselves back from screaming. “I’ll give you a family. I just assumed you would give me some things in return as well.”

  “Finn, I can’t raise our kids in the jungle—”

  “I’m not asking you to. But yes, we may have to move around and put them in new schools.”

  I didn’t want my kids to live a caravan lifestyle. I wanted them to find good friends and grow up with them. I’d learned that careers weren’t as important as people. Jobs came and went, but love never did. “So you want me to give up my business for yours?”

  “Not in those words…but yes.”

  “But would you give up yours for me?”

  He shut his mouth and turned quiet, probably at a loss for words. There was nothing he could say that wouldn’t make him sound like a jackass. Either my business wasn’t as important as his, or he expected me to make the sacrifices because I was the woman in the relationship. “Baby, all I know is, this relationship isn’t going to work unless we make compromises.”

  “I agree. And what you’re asking for is too much of a compromise for me, Finn. I don’t want to move to Uganda then Minnesota.”

  “Well, I don’t want to have kids, but I’m willing to do that for you.”

  “You don’t want them?” I asked, hurt. “I assumed you’d changed your mind…”

  “I changed my mind about having them because it’s important to you. That’s a compromise. You need to meet me halfway, Pepper.”

  “Halfway?” My voice continued to rise as the tension escalated. “Those aren’t even comparable. Having children is normal in a marriage. Moving across the world for a year is not normal.”

  “And I’ve never been normal. I assumed you understood that.”

  “I do, Finn.” I didn’t want to spend this time that should have been blissful screaming at each other, but I had to put an end to this. “I admire you for being so selfless, for always putting yourself on the line for other people. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you in the first place. But you’re asking too much, Finn. I understand, and I’m and willing to let you travel away from me and do what’s important to you sometimes…a few months out of the year. But you’re asking for too much…if you still want to marry me.” I wanted to give him whatever he wanted to make this relationship work. I was so deeply in love with this man, I would do anything to keep him. But agreeing to something I didn’t truly support would lead to resentment and then a painful divorce. I’d already been divorced once. I didn’t want to be divorced again.

  “So you’re giving me an ultimatum.” He crossed his arms over his chest, his head bowed to the floor.

  “No…”

  He raised his head and looked at me. “But you are. I either leave for Uganda and Minnesota without you…or I stay here and marry you. That’s what you’re saying. Correct me if I’m wrong.”

  I’d never thought I would give this man an ultimatum. I’d never thought I would make this man choose between me and his career. But what he was asking for was simply too much. “You can do humanitarian stuff. I’m not discouraging you—”

  “Answer the question.”

  When he looked at me with those disappointed eyes, I felt so small. Like I’d committed a crime or done something unforgivable. He didn’t look at me like I was the light of his life, the woman he would do anything to be with. Now it seemed like he despised me, long before I gave him an answer. “Yes…” I never wanted to stop this man from pursuing his happiness, but we couldn’t have this kind of relationship and expect to last. That wasn’t the kind of marriage I wanted…because I wanted one that would go the distance.

  He stared at me for a few more seconds, his eyes so dark they seemed to be full of smoke. He abruptly turned away and snatched his hoodie off the back of one of the chairs. He pulled it over his head then grabbed his keys and wallet.

  “Finn—”

  “Don’t wait up for me.” He stormed out into the garage and let the door slam behind him.

  I stayed rooted to the spot in the kitchen, naked with the exception of his necklace and diamond ring. Just a few hours ago, I had everything.

  Now I worried that I had nothing.

  24

  Colton

  A fist pounded on my door at almost nine in the evening.

  Was it Pepper again?

  She didn’t have the strength to produce that kind of sound against the wood. I checked the peephole and recognized my brother before I answered the door. “Geez, what’s with the Donkey Kong—”

  “I need to crash on your couch tonight.” He helped himself inside and pulled his hoodie over his head. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, so it was just skin and tattoos underneath. But when he lived with me, he was nearly naked most of the time anyway, so it was normal at this point.

  “Uh…why?” He and Pepper just got engaged, so I couldn’t imagine him wanting to be apart from her for even a minute.

  “Because.” He tossed his keys and wallet on the table and helped himself to my fridge. He riffled through the cabinets until he found a bottle of scotch he’d left behind. He didn’t even bother with a glass and drank it right out of the bottle.

  “Because…?” I joined him at the counter. “What the hell happened? You just got engaged, and you’re already fighting?”

  He took a long drink then wiped his lips with the back of his forearm. “Something like that.”

  “You do realize she’s probably going to show up here any minute.”

  “Then I’ll go. Problem solved.” He slammed the bottle down and spilled some of the booze onto the counter.

  “Finn, whatever it is, you can work it out. So, unwind for a couple of hours, then go home.”

  He gripped the counter and dropped his head, his knuckles turning white as he sighed quietly. He suddenly straightened, his nostrils flaring. “I was offered a position with Doctors Without Borders. I would have the leading position, which is a huge opportunity and honor. After a year in Uganda, I would be given a position at the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. It would be the biggest accomplishment of my career.”

  He didn’t need to explain her position on the matter. She wouldn’t be able to handle Finn being gone for an entire year, living in the opposite time zone so they would never be awake at the same time. Then moving to Minnesota to settle down…would be terrible for her. The only place she wanted to be was in Seattle.

  “I tried to get her to come with me, but she said no.”

  “You wouldn’t want her to come, Finn. She’d be miserable the entire time.”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t think she would be miserable with me…”

  “Come on, Finn. You’re asking her to be part of a world she has no interest in. She can’t even put a bandage on because she can’t look at her own cuts. She barely likes to travel outside of Seattle. She’s the biggest couch potato I know. You’re asking her to do something she absolutely hates…and for a year.”

  “Then I expected her to accept my absence.”

  “For a year?” I asked incredulously. “Are you insane? You’d want to have a wife living here all alone while you’re on the other side of the world? That doesn’t make any sense, Finn.”

  “I expected her to work with me. She knows I’m passionate about this.”

  “Which is why she supported you going to Florida even though she hated every second of it.” My brother had a different perception on life than the rest of us. To him, he was always fighting the clock, feeling pressure to live life to the fullest. “And she would support you going as much as you wanted. But this is too much. I’m on her side for this.”

  He looked at me, slightly shocked. “Really?”

  “Yes. And you know we are both right. You just don’t want to
admit it.”

  He gripped the counter again.

  “You proposed to Pepper and then got offered your dream job. Now you’re trying to have both when you know you can’t. And you probably wouldn’t have proposed to her if the offer had come first…”

  “That’s not true—”

  “I think it is. So, what are you going to pick? Your wife or your career?”

  “You told me I could have both—”

  “You can have both. But this is too much. You’re asking Pepper to sacrifice everything for you—which is selfish.”

  “Look—”

  “No, you listen to me.” I stood my ground against Finn because Pepper was family to me too. I would defend her against everything, even own my flesh and blood. “When you asked for my blessing to marry her, I gave it to you. I told you not to propose unless you were prepared to give her everything she asked for. You told me you loved her and wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. This just proves you didn’t mean any of that—”

  “Yes, I did. I love her more than anything else in this world—”

  “Then turn down the job, Finn.”

  He stared at me, his face turning pale.

  “You can’t have both. You have to choose. And if you really love her, you’ll walk away from this offer.”

  “It’s the job opportunity of a lifetime—”

  “And Pepper is one in a million.” After everything my brother put me through with this relationship, he better make the right decision. “You asked her to marry you, Finn. That’s a big commitment. You shouldn’t have asked unless you would stick by her through thick and thin. You might be giving up something you think is important, but she’s more important. If you don’t see it that way…then you don’t deserve her anyway.”

  Finn crashed on the couch, lying in just his boxers with the blanket pulled over his waist. After downing that entire bottle of scotch, he collapsed and fell asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

  Hopefully, he didn’t have to work tomorrow.

  I sat in the armchair and felt my phone vibrate with a text message.

  It was Pepper. Finn and I had a big fight. He left the house a few hours ago, and he won’t answer my texts or calls. Could you check on him?

  Of course, Pepper wasn’t even mad about his childish behavior. She just wanted to make sure he was okay. He’s sleeping on my couch, actually.

  Oh, thank god. I’m so relieved…

  He told me everything that happened. I’m sorry.

  Yeah…not how I wanted to spend my first two weeks engaged.

  Finn had fucked up the relationship so quickly. He was unable to handle commitment, so he’d already screwed up the happiest time of his life. Now he wanted to take off again.

  You were right, Colton. Finn will never stay still… He’ll always be on the move.

  We don’t know that yet. I think our talk straightened him out.

  I hope so. I love him so much…but I’m not going to Uganda.

  You wouldn’t survive in Uganda. Without American television and food, she would lose her mind. She could barely stand staying in a hotel, let alone another country. Finn was stupid to even ask.

  Even if Finn changes his mind, I’m worried. He’s never going to want to stay still…

  I was pissed at Finn for letting this happen in the first place, but I had faith in him. Let’s not forget how much he loves you. I think he’ll come around and be the guy that you deserve. We just need to let him sober up first.

  25

  Pepper

  I had to work the next morning, so I went to the shop with a frown on my face.

  What was going to happen with Finn?

  I still wore my engagement ring, the ring that meant so much to me. I was disappointed in him for his behavior, for wanting to leave when we should be planning our lives together. But I loved him so much that I wanted to just forget about it. I wanted him to say it was a mistake and he wanted to stay with me.

  But what if he wanted to leave?

  The day stretched on forever, and it seemed like five o’clock was a myth.

  When it finally arrived, I got in an Uber and headed to Finn’s house. I could have gone to my apartment, but I was hoping Finn was home. Maybe we could finally finish this conversation. He hadn’t returned my texts or phone calls, so maybe he thought we were finished.

  I greeted Soldier in the doorway then stepped farther inside the house. When I got to the living room, I found Finn sitting on the couch. He was in his scrubs with his stethoscope around his neck. He wouldn’t still be in those clothes if he’d just gotten off work, so he must be heading out soon.

  He didn’t look at me when I walked inside.

  The tension from the night before still filled the room, like the fight had never stopped.

  I crossed my arms over my chest and stood behind one of the couches, refusing to speak first. I had no idea where his mind was at. Maybe he was about to dump me and ask for his ring back.

  Soldier lay at my feet, choosing his side.

  Finn finally rose from the couch, his shoulders sagging under the weight. He moved around the coffee table and came closer to me. When he was in front of me, he finally lifted his gaze and looked me in the eye. “I slept at Colton’s. Don’t want you to think I was out doing something stupid.”

  “I know…he told me.” The thought of Finn going to a bar or picking up Layla had never crossed my mind. I had a much higher opinion of him than he realized. No matter how bad things got, he wouldn’t do that to me. If he was faithful to me during his time in Florida, then nothing would ever break his commitment.

  “I drank too much and passed out. I woke up late…that’s why I didn’t text you back.”

  “I figured.” I hated this distance between us. I hated that we felt like strangers rather than lovers. I hated the fact that this relationship already felt like it was over. “I’m glad you’re okay. Soldier and I were worried.”

  “I didn’t mean to worry you… I just needed some space.” He slid his hands into his pockets and swallowed the lump that must have been in his throat. When his eyes shifted back to mine, they were full of remorse. “I made a commitment to you, and I’ll honor it. I understand why you don’t want me to go to Uganda and why you don’t want to come with me. It’s a lot to ask of someone…and you’ve never been interested in that type of work. So…I’ll turn it down.” The air slowly left his lungs as he breathed out, a sigh of defeat whispering in the air.

  I got exactly what I wanted—but it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I got Finn to cave, to give me what I wanted. I could just take it and run, but that wouldn’t be right. It would just bite me in the ass eventually. His sacrifice would lead to resentment, and that resentment would tear us apart anyway. “Finn, I don’t want to be a commitment. I don’t want to be a clause in a contract that you mistakenly signed. I don’t want to be the regret keeping you from what you really want. If this is what you want, you should go.”

  He stared at me for a long time, carefully choosing his next words before he voiced them. “I do want this. It’s what I was put on this earth to do. It’s not just about the opportunity to advance my career. It’s about making a difference in this god-awful world. But I love you, baby. I really mean that when I say it. I have two loves in my life…you and my work. I want to have both.”

  My chest tightened because it predicted the outcome of this conversation. I could feel the danger to my soul, the terror that would cripple me soon enough. I’d lost him once, and it shook the ground beneath my feet. Now, it would happen again…and this time, it would be worse.

  “Let’s try a long-distance relationship—”

  “No. I want a husband who will be here with me all the time. I don’t want to be married to someone who wants to be somewhere his wife isn’t.” I’d married the wrong man once before, and I wouldn’t do it again. Love wasn’t enough to keep us together. Just like in the rest of his travels, I was just someone Finn had met along t
he way. When he got older, he would finally settle down with someone—and it wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t wait that long. “I love you so much, Finn. You have no idea how much because there aren’t sufficient words to express my emotions. That’s why I’m ending this.”

  He took a deep breath, his nostrils flaring slightly.

  “If you stay, you’ll just resent me. We both know you’re meant to drift across this world, living in different places and helping all kinds of people. If you don’t do this, something else will pop up. You’ll never really be happy here. Our marriage will end in divorce in just a few short years. I don’t want that. And I won’t come with you, so there is no other choice.”

  “Baby, I don’t want to drift around forever. I just want to do this—”

  “You just went to Florida. That was so hard for both of us, but it didn’t stop you from signing up for this. Let’s be real, Finn. A sedentary life isn’t what you want…at least not right now. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll realize that this is who you are…and you’re never going to change.” When he got down on one knee and showed me that beautiful ring, I thought I was finally getting my happy ending. But now I realized this was another stepping stone, another heartbreak on the long road to happiness. “I think you expected our marriage to be about me coming with you and experiencing all these things. But I don’t want that kind of life. If I join you, I’ll just end up resenting you. If I give up my business to live in Uganda, I’ll resent you. Either way, we lose.”

  Finn didn’t have an argument against that.

  “When you proposed to me, I’m sure you meant it. I’m sure it’s what you wanted. But when this offer came up, it reminded you of what you really want. It refueled those desires you have. If you hadn’t proposed to me already, you probably would have broken up with me and just left.”

  “Baby, you’re belittling my love for you. That’s not how I feel at all.”