Takes Its Toll

by Kit Graves

  After a moment Harlan drew back, but he left one hand on Olivia’s shoulder, rubbing her sweater under his thumb as he took her in again. “Shit, girl. You look like a goddess.”

  Olivia laughed, deflecting the compliment instinctively, even as she blushed. She knew the insults she’d once been subjected to weren’t the truth, but she wasn’t fully comfortable accepting the opposite. She felt cute most days now, but beautiful was something entirely different.

  Harlan smiled at her, but it was a little sad, like he knew what she was thinking. “You do,” he said, insisting softly.

  “Then you look like a god,” she responded, watching his reaction carefully. Her hunch had been right: his handsome face changed into stone, as though he would allow her comment without responding to it, certainly without believing it. She raised her eyebrows, and he laughed, but without humor.

  It was incredible, how similar they were.

  Olivia pulled the helmet on at last, tangling her hair in the process. Harlan’s sure fingers helped her pull it free and adjust the helmet’s fit, checking quickly before finally tapping her on the visor.

  “Hey!” she protested, but smiled at him.

  He smiled back. “Let’s go.”

  It wasn’t until she’d been on his back for a few miles that Olivia realized she’d never asked where they were going. Belatedly, she hoped they weren’t going back to Harlan’s house. She was curious about it, but not ready to decide if she wanted to have sex yet, and was afraid of any expectations that might arise with a bed a few feet away.

  Not that she thought Harlan would expect anything, but you never knew. She didn’t have much experience, and what she had was a lot worse than what Harlan had already shown her. She almost felt like the other shoe would drop soon, as soon as she let her guard all the way down. Gradually she stopped feeling the warmth of his back against her cheek, the exhilaration of being on the bike again, moving freely through the night air. Anxiety crept in, and it had almost entirely taken over her thinking before she realized where they were.

  The hills of Brooksville County were renowned for their rolling visas, and one hill in particular was supposed to have the best view of the entire county. They were winding up the canyon roads, and when Olivia turned her head, she could see the streets of the city turn into rivers, ropes, and then ribbons. The background sounds dropped away and the stars rushed down and her thighs ached from gripping tight.

  Harlan pulled over once they’d gone high, high up the hill; her ears had popped, her nose had frozen, and sunset was well upon them. It felt like they were eye-level with a pink and orange swirl, peppered with the shadows of dark clouds.

  It was beautiful. Below, an entire valley stretched wide, with smaller hills whisking cars away to hidden cities. Downtown rose up to the left, with its tall buildings, and the bridge pinned down the winding shape of water to the right. Between, homes and businesses twinkled like tiny stars. “It’s gorgeous,” Olivia sighed, shaking her hair out from the helmet. Harlan had pulled over to a dirt-packed shoulder, where a flat boulder perched at the side of the road, overhanging the cliff and overseeing the city. Harlan took his helmet off, too, and together they perched on the boulder’s broad back. For a moment they were both silent, watching the night come upon the city side by side.

  Chapter 16

  “I like to come up here sometimes,” Harlan said, breaking the silence first. “When I just need to think. It sounded like that’s what you needed.”

  “Thank you.” She was quiet again, thinking. She wanted everything to go well with Harlan, but it was becoming clear that for the two of them, that meant honesty about things that were ugly. As much as Olivia didn’t want to share her own story, see Harlan’s eyes fill with pity, she knew deep down that it was necessary to build trust, to show him her true heart and mind. She couldn’t act out a shallow courtship, knowing it couldn’t lead anywhere without a few difficult conversations.

  Worse, she suspected that Harlan’s confident demeanor had been built as a reaction to his life, and she didn’t want to think that he should hide his hardest moments from her, either. Early as it was, she really did want to be someone he could confide in. Selfishly, she even wanted reassurance that she wasn’t the only one who came with some extra baggage.

  “You don’t have to tell me,” he offered, and she smiled, sadly. Yes I do.

  “I’d like to talk, I just don’t know where to start,” she said simply. He hmm’ed, and went back to his motorcycle for a moment. She watched him stand, stride, squat, and took him in as shamelessly as she could in the dark. His sleek, dark form in his black leather jacket and grey jeans barely stood out from the growing night, but his long hair whipped back and forth and he looked like a commercial, like a paper towel model or a romance novel cover. She stifled a giggle, instead stretching and waiting for him to return.

  He came back with a saddlebag that he’d detached from the bike, placing it between them and sweeping his hand over it in invitation. Olivia dove in and found a bottle of cabernet sauvignon, a bottle of pinot grigio, a sleeve of crackers, and a deli container with assorted charcuterie inside. He dug a Swiss army knife out of his pocket and reached for the white wine before hesitating. “I didn’t know what you prefer.”

  “Oh, the red actually.” She waited while he opened it and tucked the cork back into his bag. “Thank you.” He handed her the whole bottle, but she just took a sip and cradled it between her knees, not missing a glass at all. They ate for a few minutes, watching the sunset in companionable silence. Harlan looked at her once or twice, but waited for her to speak. Once twilight began shadowing their faces and she’d had a few more sips of the rich wine, Olivia felt comfortable enough to start.

  “I haven’t told you everything I should have, I think,” she said, torn between guilt and fear. As soon as she told him everything, that might be it. He would decide she wasn’t worth all of the negatives. But she liked Harlan, and he deserved that choice.

  “Remember the crash? How I like… you know?”

  “Fainted dead away in the middle of a panic attack, aye.” He was looking right at her now, eyes serious. His scars seemed to gleam faintly in the dying light, contrasting the dark, earthy tones of his eyes and hair. She reached out to touch it, and he let her, dipping his head so she could derive comfort from contact with him. Just as she had that day.

  “Well, I… well, my family died in a car accident. Half of them, anyway.”

  Harlan’s eyes were wider than she’d seen them so far, but he kept them locked on her. “Half of them?”

  “My mom. My brother Travis. Both of them died.” Her face was wet now, though she fought the tears hard. She couldn’t just stop and cry every time she spoke their names. She had to speak their names.

  “My mom, I look just like her. Her name was Viola. She was such an incredible mom, we put her through so much, and she always had so much poise. Travis was only eleven.” Snot was filling her nose now, turning each word into a choked effort. “We fought all the time, and I was so stupid, he was just a kid, but he was amazing. I didn’t even know.”

  Harlan had cleared the boulder without looking away from her, opening the space up between them again, silently giving her the option to come closer. She did, sniffing violently, afraid now that she’d started talking that she would never be able to stop.

  “My dad was okay, and I was okay, and my brother George… we weren’t there. But the others I mean, they died, Harlan. All at once. It was eight years ago, but it feels like yesterday. And everything since then… George left, my dad started drinking, I had to move out. He’s okay now, but I just had to… just get a job. And just not cry about it. But I still cry about it so much. And I miss them. And it’s taken me so long to finish school, mostly because my dad drank all the money but honestly, I can barely handle the half load. My whole family just fell apart. And then I was with this douchebag and he pretty much ripped up the rest of me.”

  “Here I thought you just had a
shitty ex like everyone else,” Harlan said quietly. He was looking at her differently, just as she’d feared, but it wasn’t what she’d expected. He was looking at her now like he’d underestimated her. Like she was something beautiful and strong, a diamond instead of a wilting flower. It was fully dark now, and a thousand more lights had come out to join the rest. He extended his arm slowly, and she realized he was giving her a chance to tuck into his jacket, under his arm. She scooted over, still wiping her face, and just snuggled in for a moment. They were quiet for a moment - well, Olivia was still sniffling a little - but he just rubbed his hand over her shoulder and arm, up and down.

  After she’d caught her breath, she continued.

  “I did have a shitty ex, and he was the only guy I really dated, if you um. If you know what I mean. And I thought he was so perfect, but he was really, really mean. And scary. And I wasn’t happy or safe with him, but he had me jumping through every horrible hoop just to keep him from becoming upset. He was all I had.”

  Harlan’s other arm came around her then. Wrapped in his arms and his jacket, Olivia felt warmed to the bone, though the wind was starting to sing around them. “In the end, he was trying to control everything, and it had just crossed the line into physical-” She paused, as she had visibly felt Harlan stiffen, heard him struggle to regulate his breathing. She felt ashamed, making him have such a reaction, especially when she felt like she hadn’t been telling the whole truth. So she added, quietly, “He only hit me once. It was just getting to a point where I wouldn’t have been able to finish school, or ever leave the house again except on his arm.”

  Harlan shook his head, but didn’t say anything. She breathed in and out, willing herself back to calm. He was being nice now, but he’d probably drop her off and never call her again after this. She wouldn’t blame him. In fact, she should probably just let him off the hook, it would be the nicer thing to-

  “My dad gave me these scars,” he said, and Olivia was left open-mouthed, shocked into silence. He nodded, seeing her expression, still looking grim from her confessions. “He was drunk and thought it would be funny to trip me. And then he was too fucked up to take me to the hospital. So.”

  “He’s still alive? And he doesn’t care that he did that to you?” Tears were back in Olivia’s eyes. Her family had loved her, at least. Would never have hurt her on purpose, even Thom, who had hurt her so much by accident. “Is he in jail?”

  Harlan shook his head, looking grim.

  Olivia started crying in earnest now, the tears she couldn’t shed for herself coming easily for him. “It’s not fair.”

  “No, it’s not. There’s nothing in all the world as unfair as life and death.” He held her close again, rocking with her this time as she worked through the hangover of emotion that hung around them. He brushed her hair off of her forehead, where it had escaped from its bobby pins, and kissed the crown of her head. “Olivia, I am so, so sorry for everything you lost. I can’t imagine it. The fact that you’re still standing is nothing less than a miracle. Hell, it’s the bravest thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve seen some men do some pretty fucking heroic things.”

  They finished the wine in silence, sitting in full dark now. She could still see Harlan’s face a little, illuminated by street lights below, but the blanket of darkness was comforting, naked as she felt now. She was still digesting everything Harlan had told her, and was sure that he was doing the same, but it wasn’t a troubled silence. In fact, she had started to realize that she was actually pretty tired. She voiced that idea, and Harlan agreed, suggesting he return her home. They packed up the saddlebag together, joking lightly about bedtimes - about her being young enough to need one, about him being an old man with a self-instated one, before Harlan helped her put her helmet on again.

  “There’s one more thing you don’t know,” he said before they left, surprising her.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I definitely… didn’t need to go across the bridge a few of the times I saw you. And a few other times you weren’t working.”

  Olivia laughed. She still felt heavy, but maybe not as much anymore. “No way.”

  “Way. I didn’t even turn around, paid the toll just for a chance at seeing the gorgeous creature they kept in that little booth.”

  She laughed again, shoving at him. “Thank you for your patronage.”

  “You’ve got it,” he promised, settling her onto the motorcycle with two sure hands on her thighs. A thrill went through her, and when he smiled at her, she rose up to kiss him, even though she was sure her face was teary and her makeup was gone. He let her set the pace, parting his lips when she grew bold enough to part hers, his tongue meeting hers as she stood all the way up on her toes to reach him. He leaned down and in, his hands wrapping around her waist, pulling her closer as their kiss became deeper, wetter, hotter - until Olivia felt something move underneath her, and Harlan plucked her off of the ground before the bike tilted and fell completely over.

  He’d grabbed her in time to avoid her being knocked down, and from her new position being held up against him, she stared down at the fallen bike between helpless giggles. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” came his response, against her neck. Immediately a shiver went through Olivia, and she stopped laughing. “You looked so good straddling that seat, girl. One more kiss for the road?”

  She gave it to him, lingering even as he set her back on the ground. It was hard to stop long enough to let him drive her home, and as they roared smoothly down the hills toward home, she pressed little kisses against the back of Harlan’s jacket. She couldn’t tell if he felt them until the first red light at the foot of the hill, when his hand came down to rest on her knee for a moment. She buried her face against his back, hiding her smile from the universe, in case it saw fit to take it away. She’d never told anyone so much about Tomer before. Never gone from crying over her family to smiling in such a short time. A part of her wanted to feel guilty, point to that and think of what an awful person she was. Another part of her was proud. Maybe I’m healing.

  All she knew was, she had reached out, and Harlan had responded. She had opened up, and he had shared in return. She had kissed him… and she wanted to see where else they could go.

  Chapter 17

  The next day Olivia had class and work and she didn't think she'd have time to talk to Harlan at all, let alone see him. She felt strangely light, though, and found herself taking notes and participating in the class discussion more than ever before.

  After class she grabbed a cozy sweater and a packet she needed to read and headed to the toll booth. She had made Tollhouse cookies as a jokey gift for her boss, in thanks for letting her leave after the accident. Her boss, a weedy but non-threatening guy from the Frey family that had been in charge of the bridge for decades, seemed pleased at the offering. Olivia thanked him again before heading to her booth, where she set herself up with her thermos of tea and reading materials for another day on the job.

  Feeling spontaneous, she snapped a few selfies from the booth, angling them so her sweater didn't appear to be dwarfing her. She scrolled through them, made change for customers, applied lipstick, and took a few photos. Finally she had one where she felt cute, and sent it to Harlan before she could chicken out.

  He didn't respond for a few minutes, long enough for her to begin panicking, but eventually she heard her phone chime.

  Pretty little dove.

  She sent a smiley face. Then asked, what are you up to? Work?

  There was another pause, and then a picture.

  Oh. Oh, wow, Olivia thought, her face turning red as she zoomed in a little. He wasn't at work at all. He'd probably just finished a workout, because he was clearly post-shower, wearing nothing but a low-slung white towel.

  Technically she could only see his torso, but it was enough to set her heart racing, cheeks still aflame. Tomer was traditionally handsome, with the bones and bearing of a distinguished lineage. But his
narrow shoulders, narrow hips, and invisible blonde body hair had never done much to attract Olivia. Their sex life, like every part of her life with him, had been predicated on his petulant desires. She'd never looked at him and felt… this.

  Desire.

  Harlan had left his face out of the photo, clearly showing her what he was most confident in, and no wonder. Hard-packed muscle defined the shape of his chest and stomach, dark hairs skating across his chest and abs, gathering darkly across his pecs and below the dip of his navel. She could see the gleam of leftover moisture in his clavicle, his collarbone. The towel at the bottom of the frame disappeared into an outward swell, and Olivia had to school her thoughts into a more ladylike fashion, forcing herself to zoom back out again.

  She must have been looking for longer than she'd thought. Another text interrupted her view. Too much?

  Not enough was what she wanted to say, but her thumbs froze in place when she went to respond. She couldn't say that.

  Could she?

  She felt closer to Harlan already than she had anyone in a long time. Ever, in this way. She felt like she could be the best version of herself with him, could really explore becoming - whatever the person was he saw her as. Beautiful, like he’d said.

  Brave, like he'd said.

  Not enough.

  This response was immediate. Free tonight?

  When Olivia got home, she ran into her bedroom and started to pull her underwear drawer apart. She wasn't someone who owned lingerie, or even tried to look at herself in the mirror that often, so it quickly became obvious that finding something sexy and lacy was hopeless. She settled for clean and matching, heather grey boyshorts and a t-shirt bra that she could - and she really wasn't thinking about it but she could potentially - sleep in.

  She brushed her hair out next, panicking when it wouldn't sit flat. “Winnie? Tiffany?” She wasn’t sure if anyone was home, but when the girls burst in and found her in her underwear, that answered that question for her.