Along Waters of Sunshine and Shadow

by Ava Miles

  “But housing is scarce,” she said. “You know that. Besides, I’d hate for the neighborhood to have to choose sides. Some would, you know. They did when Eileen Kelly married that Jewish boy after her parents forbade it.” Eileen had moved out of the neighborhood and not been in touch with anyone since.

  His face tightened. “They’d answer to me—like they did with Eileen.”

  She appreciated the sentiment. “Sorry, Father, but it didn’t change things for her.”

  He all but growled. “Anna, you’re not Eileen. First, you work in this community and everyone knows and loves you. Second, the neighborhood knows and respects your man. Eileen never brought her beau here.”

  No, she’d probably been terrified of how people would have treated him. “Still…even if that’s true, my mother will be here.”

  “Your mother may be a fixture in this community, but it doesn’t sound like she even wants to be a part of it anymore.”

  That had been anger speaking, Anna thought. She couldn’t imagine her mother ever leaving the church, no matter how angry she was with God.

  “Can I really pass her on the streets in this neighborhood and not feel the loss of it every time? Can I bring my children to church if she won’t acknowledge any of us? And how can Noah bear such malice? Oh, Father, everything is too awful.”

  He drew her into his arms again, patting her back as she cried. “I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, Anna. There have been other feuds in this neighborhood, but we’ve weathered them. Now, perhaps the situation with Eileen wasn’t handled well, but she didn’t fight it and neither did her beau. You and Noah will. And I’ll be fighting right alongside you like I told your mother, from the pulpit if need be. Part of me likes to see some people squirm in their seats. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll set the bees on the difficult ones.”

  Knowing he would fight with them heartened her some. She gave a tired laugh and pulled away. “Leave it to you to joke at a time like this.”

  “It’s the Irish in me,” he said, trying to smile. “You know I tell some of my best jokes at wakes, as tradition demands. I know it wouldn’t be ideal, but you and Noah could live in an adjoining neighborhood if you can’t find a home here.”

  “That might mean getting another job.” It would be practical. Most teachers lived and worked in their neighborhood.

  “Any school would be lucky to have you, and we’d miss you terribly. I’d miss you terribly. And Noah too. Like I told him before I came here, I might be old enough to be his father, but he’s become a trusted friend, someone I can speak my mind to freely.”

  She wondered again how Noah had helped the priest, but now wasn’t the time to ask. “I’ll have to think about it. Right now, I don’t see a way out. Either way, there’s going to be suffering and division. Besides, I’m not sure Noah will change his mind. He doesn’t want to come between us. And Father, if you’d heard what my mother said to him… I don’t know how he would ever want to be around her again, even if some miracle happened, and she consented to our marriage.”

  Also was it fair to ask him to be around her mother when she was so cruel? It was hard enough for Anna, and she was her daughter.

  “That’s not the best basis for a decision of this magnitude,” Father said. “I know it’s hard to imagine never speaking to your mother again, but weighed against not marrying Noah, the man you love and want to spend your life with, is that truly something you could live with?”

  She tried to imagine a life without her mother in it. How could she even begin to imagine something she’d never conceived possible? But how could she rebuild a relationship with her after what she’d said, even if she could forgive her?

  “You both have your whole lives ahead of you, filled with so much promise. Noah survived the war for a reason, and he loves you. Now he knows what he wants to do with his life outside having a family, and it’s a beautiful thing. When he told me this morning, I felt like God was smiling down from heaven.”

  That made Anna want to cry again. “I don’t even know what that is. My mother interrupted him.”

  He put his arm around her again and shook her gently. “It’s a bright spot in this whole sorry mess. You’re going to love it, trust me.”

  A bright spot? She couldn’t imagine it.

  Father set her in front of him. “Search your heart, Anna. You’ll figure out what’s best for you. Either way, I’m with you. If you want to hold fast to your mother and the family you were born into, I’ll help you. If you want to marry Noah and fight anything your mother tries to put in your way in this neighborhood, then I’ll pick up my sword and my shield, and we’ll wreak some serious divine justice together with all the angels on our side.”

  Oh, he was so dear!

  “Only don’t wait too long. I fear Noah might try to up and leave on us, and that would be a great tragedy. Of course, I could call in some of the more nefarious elements Brian Dougherty knows and ask them to sit on him for a while until you come to a decision. This is South Side, after all.”

  She wished she could laugh at the image of Brian and some of the bruisers he knew tying Noah up to prevent him from leaving town. “You always could lighten a dark mood like no one else.” She kissed his cheek. “I have some thinking to do. Don’t call Brian Dougherty yet, but if we have to…”

  The rumble of his laugh shook his chest. “That’s the Anna Sims I know.”

  She thought of Noah calling her Tiger. That was something to remember now. She would need all the strength and determination God had given her.

  “If you need to talk things out more, come find me at the rectory. I can ask Father Wilson to take the evening Mass if need be. Heck, maybe I’ll have him swing by to speak to your mother. It’ll be a record in this parish if she throws out two priests in one day.”

  And it would also send a message to the neighborhood… Oh, he did have a crafty way about him. “Then we can call in Margaret O’Shea. She’d give her a piece of her mind.”

  He barked out a laugh. “Now you’re talking. I’ll try and keep our lad at the rectory in the meantime, assuming he can be reasoned with, although I have plans on that score should it come to it.”

  “Beyond Brian and his cronies?” She shook her head. “Do I even want to know?”

  He lifted a shoulder. “I’ll tell him that he’s being as bullheaded as your mother. That will put a burr in his saddle, so to speak. Trust me on this. Your man is the type of fellow who believes in doing the right thing. Turning away from you because of a rift isn’t the right thing if you ask me. Neither one of you will find anyone better to love, I expect, and it would be sad to see you both be so miserable for the rest of your days.”

  He sounded like a forlorn Irish poet when he said that, but Anna hadn’t considered it. If she cowed to her mother’s ultimatum, would she find another man to love, someone she wanted to marry and have children with?

  She suddenly remembered writing to Noah about Janus, the god of beginnings and endings. On one side of a Janus coin, he looked to the past, and on the other he looked to the future. She would have to make a choice, whether to look back and stay with what she’d known her whole life or step into an unknown future with the man she loved.

  “I’ll walk back with you,” she said. “I need to get out of the house, and I could use some serious praying.”

  “I’ve kept back a candle for an emergency like this if you want it,” he said as they walked to the front door. “People were asking me yesterday if I planned to get rid of my candle-making enterprise with the bees now that the war is over. Can you imagine?”

  She gazed at the man. Even though he wore all black like her mother, save the white square in his collar, it didn’t make him look dour and sad. It was as though the color looked completely different on him.

  “Some people are always going to complain or fight change,” she said, and it occurred to her that her mother had always been in that camp. She used to tease her about it, she remembered, along with the
rest of the family. Had the seeds of her mother’s potential bitterness been there all along?

  “Not everyone wants to believe God answers all our prayers equally, whether we light a candle or not.”

  Anna knew that, but it still made her feel better to see tangible evidence of her prayer lit, especially on a day this dark. They stepped outside, and she felt like she could breathe better. Turning to look over her shoulder, she stared at her house. It seemed to be shrouded somehow, as if her mother had wrapped it in her own mourning clothes.

  “I think we can call this an emergency,” she said, opening the gate. “I’d like that candle if you don’t mind.”

  Chapter 22

  Noah wasn’t a man who made hasty decisions, and while he didn’t think there was anything hasty about how he was reacting to his current situation, he’d realized he needed to talk to Anna in person. No matter how hard. When he’d sat down to write her a letter, he couldn’t pen anything past, Dear Anna.

  He loved her, and he knew she loved him. This situation was impossible for both of them. Noah had always been alone, and for him, the promise of being with Anna and having his own family had felt like a dream come true. But she’d always had her mother and this community. She’d already lost her father and Martin. Like he’d told Niall, how much more could one person take?

  A knock sounded on his door, and he knew who it was. “I was just going to see Anna,” he told Niall when he opened it.

  The planes of his friend’s face seemed heavier. “She’s in the church, praying,” he said. “Her mother is a hard woman. You’re right. She won’t budge, and it vexes me to say I couldn’t persuade her even though I know that’s my ego talking.”

  He hadn’t imagined Niall could change her mind, but part of him had hoped for a miracle.

  A miracle? Hanging around this rectory was changing him. When had he ever hoped for one?

  “You’re human like the rest of us, Niall,” Noah said. “One of the great philosophers should have written ‘free will is a bitch.’”

  Niall was silent a moment and then he started to laugh. “Oh, Noah, I didn’t think anyone had as macabre a sense of humor in moments like these except me. No wonder we’re friends. ‘Free will is a bitch.’ Scandalous but true. I imagine the old philosophers probably had that thought a time or two.”

  “Yeah, it was probably Thomas More’s last thought when Henry VIII had him beheaded,” he said dryly.

  Niall slapped his belly, laughing with gusto. “Humor is a good sign. I was worried you might try to fly the coop prematurely.”

  “I thought about it,” Noah said. “I was going to write Anna a letter, but I decided we need to talk in person.”

  Niall nodded, his laughter fading. “Give Anna some time. She’s torn up, and rightly so. Either way, she’s going to get hurt, and that isn’t a small thing. We spend so much of our life trying to avoid being hurt.”

  “And yet that seems to be the way of it,” Noah said. “The orphanage taught me that.”

  “One of these nights I’m going to have to give you a full recitation on grace, boyo, but it’s the help God’s always giving us, even when we don’t ask, even when we’re not aware of it. Well, I’m going off to pray too. I got pretty angry earlier and need to calm down myself.”

  Noah rested his hand on his friend’s shoulder for a moment. “If you were perfect, we wouldn’t get along. I said some things earlier and was short. I want to apologize.”

  “Forget it, lad,” Niall said, his mouth twitching. “It’s good to air your grievances. Otherwise, they fester and rot. If you need me, I’ll be in my private chapel. When I try to pray in church, it’s one interruption after another.”

  He walked off, and Noah shifted his feet, trying to feel more settled despite his churning belly. Part of him wanted to seek Anna out right now, but she deserved to have the time she needed. Perhaps a walk would do him good.

  As he headed down the street adjacent to the church and school, Katherine Kenna congratulated him on his engagement on her way home from the market. The Dougherty boys and the other kids had spread the news like little town criers, it seemed, and everyone was talking about it. Terrific, he thought. Would they already be wondering about Mrs. Sims’ reaction?

  Katherine ended up crying in his arms again, saying how lucky he and Anna were to be together after the war. He didn’t know how to respond. After all, Anna had said yes. He just wasn’t sure they were going to stay engaged. When the grieving woman finally excused herself and walked off toward her house, he tried to shake off the truth of what she’d said. They were lucky, dammit. Why couldn’t her mother see that?

  Two blocks later, he was congratulated by two more neighbors, Mrs. O’Shea and old Mr. Dunne—something that sparked hope in his heart. But he realized his best course of action was to return to the rectory. Hide, if necessary, until he and Anna spoke. He was only fueling speculation.

  The church came into view, and it felt odd to realize he was going to miss the sight if he left. He would always associate it with Niall. Leaving here would mean leaving another friend behind, and that cut him to the quick, especially when he’d lost so many to the war.

  He started walking again. The door to the church opened, and a familiar blue dress caught his eyes.

  Anna crossed herself like the Catholics do, and then she came down the church steps, brushing away what he imagined were tears. The thought saddened him. She was in pain, dammit, and he’d helped cause it.

  Her auburn hair looked like molten fire in the sunlight, and he stopped short. His heart filled with the same urgent emotion he experienced every time he saw her, one he knew was both the love he had for her and the fear that something would tear them apart. Before, that fear had been the war. Now it had become her mother.

  Her steps faltered suddenly, and she stilled on the bottom step. He knew she had spotted him. Did she want to speak with him? There was a rosary in her hands, and seeing the evidence of her soul searching moved him something fierce. Hadn’t he been doing the same thing? They might go about it differently, but at the end of the day, they were two people who lived according to thoughts and ideals, and yes, like Niall had said, something he didn’t fully have a name for.

  She raised her hand, but her greeting lacked its usual joy. Walking in her direction, he called upon all his courage, knowing this might be their last moment together.

  Time seemed to slow down, and his senses took in details he might have otherwise missed, almost like in some of the life-or-death moments he’d survived in Europe. Her perfume seemed to envelop him as he reached her, the floral bouquet of it reminding him of the kisses and embraces they’d shared. Her blue eyes were red-rimmed from crying and wet at the eyelashes. The rise of her chest told him she was having as much trouble breathing as he was.

  But it was the directness of her gaze he clung to. She’d made her decision, and he held his breath as he waited for her to speak, knowing it would change his life forever.

  She cleared her throat. “I was just coming to see you.”

  Her voice was a harsh whisper. “I was waiting for you,” he said.

  She coughed again and then brushed away tears leaking from her eyes. “Oh, I didn’t mean to cry. I can’t seem to stop. I’m so sorry.”

  Those words crushed his heart. “It’s okay. Anna, what have you decided?”

  She met his eyes. “I don’t want to lose my mom, but I feel like I already have in some ways. What mother says things like that to her child? Or to the man her daughter loves? I…know you didn’t want to come between us, but Noah, in truth, you haven’t.”

  He opened his mouth to contradict her, but she shook her head. “No, let me finish. I realized while I was praying that I could have fallen in love with anyone, and she still might have treated him this way—because he was alive and Martin wasn’t.”

  Noah wasn’t so sure about that, but he remained silent.

  “Noah…I love you.”

  A blaze of heat flashed
through his heart, and he waited for her to continue. “I love you too.”

  “I know,” she said, crying softly now. “And that’s what I’m focusing on right now in this awful mess.”

  He had to force himself not to reach for her. She had to tell him her decision while standing on her own two feet.

  “I can’t say this isn’t the hardest decision I’ve ever made, but I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you. I…don’t know what our future looks like, but I want us to live it. Together. Can you…forget what you said about not wanting to come between Mom and me?”

  A man passed them on the church stairs, and Noah heard him mutter, “Our Father.” His muscles locked and he stared at the man’s back as he left. That was the prayer Martin had always muttered right before a battle. Even though he didn’t believe the dead could talk, part of him wondered if it could be a message from his friend. Was Martin telling him to fight? Even if his mother was the one he had to fight against?

  He yanked her against his chest, and she fitted her arms around him. “Yes, I can forget it. Anna, I hate you having to choose like this, but if you want me, I’m yours. I feel so terrible though. I wish things were different.”

  “Me too,” she said, her voice breaking. “I want to marry you, and I’ll even leave Chicago if you want. Maybe it’s a way we can both have a fresh start.”

  This was her mother’s threat talking. “I can’t bear for you to lose your home here, your neighborhood. Truth be told, I’m coming to feel…like I belong here too. With you. No, we’ll stay here and find a way to make it work, even if it means visiting every family in the neighborhood together and eating pound cake and drinking tea.”

  She started crying. “Father said something along the same lines, although his version was a little more scary. He’s thrown his lot in with us, you know.”

  Of course he had, and Noah was grateful for it. He’d have to thank him later. “Then we’re clear. We’re staying. This is your home, your neighborhood, and you love it so.”