Skin Nation

by Joni Bing

  ****

  That night, I fell in love with the way Reno walked. His routine never changed and I loved that; hands in pocket, quick small steps, and a low crane in his neck that positioned his face level to whom he was with that way he'd stay attentive. I can't really explain why I found his walking style fascinating. Maybe because it was unique, and different, and I loved anything under that category. It wasn't until we turned the street corner that I thought about how late it was-and how close to 6 a.m. the sky was turning.

  “Where are we walking to?”

  “Nowhere special. Just this place I walk sometimes.”

  “At night?”

  Reno chuckled. “Yeah, we all do at some point. You'll go crazy if you don't break the rules.”

  “So true...so you've never gotten caught?”

  “Never. I don't know what we'd do if our commune had an alarm system like the flats anywhere else.”

  I shrugged. “Me neither.”

  Reno walked a little closer to me and crooked his neck closer to my eye level. “Nice job with Z tonight. Well, last night,” he smiled.

  I laughed out loud, but stopped immediately. Reno looked around and throughout the rest of our walk, he checked our surroundings every couple of minutes. It sucked living in Borealia.

  “Thanks for the help. Now, I can finally breathe.”

  “Yep, you got the crest now,” Reno smiled. I felt him kiss behind my ear where Lary marked me with our troupe's sign and I didn't mind. I realized then how much I missed feeling and being loved. I looked up at him and he looked a little afraid of what I would do next. I smiled and he smiled wider as we continued walking.

  “There's one more thing you could've done to protect yourself, but you can't really do that now.”

  “What's that?”

  “Make up a backstory.”

  “Wait,” I stopped and took a step back. “You mean, you lied about your life?”

  “Yep.”

  I was actually kind of surprised. Reno's story sounded so real. He told a good story! So good, I told him so after he confessed to its façade content. After a moment went by I couldn't help but ask, “Can I know?”

  He thought about this for a while. A little longer than I expected. I took that time to look over our surroundings. So far, so good.

  “I was one of those kids, you know? Everybody loved me...and I had no clue why. I always heard kids saying their life sucked and they were afraid to be themselves. That they felt they'd be rejected or was, but...that wasn't me. That was never me. Well, not until I arrived in Borealia anyway.

  I laughed and Reno looked over, pleased that I found what he said amusing.

  “Yeah, that was never me. I was always accepted. I knew nothing more, but I realized a gift like that-being accepted-could also be a curse. It set me apart from everyone else. It made me Xi and I'd fear I'd be just like me moms. Just like they had said I would be.”

  “Who?”

  “Nation Resources. They visited me house on numerous occasions throughout me childhood. Me most vivid memory was the last when they killed me mother and I stood behind a hard glass view and they forced me to watch and threatened me. They kept saying I was next. That's when I feared being different. It wasn't the natural reasons like the ones most people feared abnormality for, it was the fact that I couldn't be normal no matter what I did, thought, or tried. I was sixteen then, but I still felt like a child that couldn't survive without the embrace of his mother.”

  “I think anyone would've if they went through what you experienced, Reno.”

  He nodded, not exactly agreeing but not ignoring my thought either.

  “When they let me go, it took me some time to think about what to do next. It took me time to learn how to survive again. In this time, I realized there was still so many things new that I hadn't discovered about myself yet, but one thing I figured out was what made me Xi. That's when I found out acceptance was my gift.”

  “How did you?”

  “I put everyone who I'd ever known through the biggest emotional trips I could and still they found it necessary to invite me out partying or just to talk. I mean, I did everything I could.”

  “Not everything. You are still a virgin.”

  He chuckled. “Funny how you knew that, but yeah. It's just that I knew better. Me mom drilled manners and abstinence into me head every second she could and I didn't wanna do anything to disappoint her, especially after losing her so horrifyingly.”

  Reno's words sounded like a speech to me. Like words needed to be written down and synced into every PD owned by a YA in our generation. I figured that was reason number two out of the ten other reasons I kept him around. His vocabulary would help my own, I was sure. Of course, I intended on correcting his me's into my's at some time when it was more appropriate.

  “But how did you manage to stay abstinent and popular at the same time?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, these days, you're nobody if you haven't done anybody. It's more cliché than someone painting a fruit bowl.”

  “You know about that?” he laughed.

  “I'm not stupid, okay? My mother made sure I grew up with some ON culture...and Josh.”

  “Oh, right, Josh,” he snorted. “Well, anyway I did what any guy would do in that situation, I believe.”

  There was a pause and when I didn't ask what it was, Reno confessed. “I faked.”

  I moved back from the unexpectedness of his answer. “You faked? Like...”

  “I mean, I just kept it a secret. Nobody asked and I didn't tell.”

  “Really?”

  He shrugged. “Yeah, it wasn't that hard.”

  “Oh...”

  “Isn't that what you did?”

  “Not exactly.”

  That's all I said about the subject and with that, Reno moved on.

  “So yeah, I did everything I could to lose my title at school as a Delta, that's my region's populars. I stopped talking to my old friends, and I didn't give them a reason, I just...replaced my entire life with a crowd of drugs and Cappas who loved throwing pharm parties as much as they loved cutting school.”

  “Cappas?”

  “Cappas were my region's druggies and rejects. That's who I started hanging with.”

  “Oh, and...pharm parties?”

  “Man...I was hoping you knew what those were.”

  “No idea, but I've heard people at Mass bash talking about throwing one sometime.”

  “It's this party where...”

  I grew impatient quick as ever. “What? Just spill.”

  “Everyone shows up with drugs...”

  “Okay, that sounds like every Mass bash I've ever been to in my life.”

  “No, they're not the drugs you're thinking about. In my region, the hot drugs were the prescribed kind.”

  “What?!”

  He shushed me and looked around. I felt bad after for reacting so loudly. The last thing we both wanted was to get caught; by Lary or Nation Resources the same.

  “At pharm parties, everyone shows up with prescription drugs. When you first enter, there's a huge blue bowl set out on a high stand. You drop in any drugs you brought and when it's time, everyone grabs what they want from the bowl and...“pill pop away” as my bro Zeth used to say. He used to host them all the time at his private commune. He almost went to jail a few times because people constantly OD'ed left and right at almost every one.”

  “Has anyone you know ever...died from those parties?”

  “Tons of kids...but unfortunately none anybody cared to help or grieve over.”

  Stories like that made me want to cry. It was horrible that there were kids out there like that. That no one cared about. It made me suddenly miss my mom so much more.

  “But...well, okay...”

  “Yeah?”

  I waited for Reno to reply this time, sensing that whatever he planned to say next would be hard to spit out.

  “I did lose someone close to me. O
ne night when the Deltas mixed with the Cappas at a pharm party...Zeth died from a harsh OD. He and I became good friends when I stopped hanging out with the Deltas. To this day, a lot of us believe it was intentional. That one of the Deltas gave him the drug to try.”

  “Oh, Reno, I'm so sorry.”

  “I'm sorry too, but I can't take it back now. I've already done the damage.”

  “You didn't make him do anything he didn't want to do.”

  He looked over at me and for the second time, I saw tears fill up in his eyes. “Then, why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like I came into the party that night and stuffed those pills down his throat myself?”

  I had no answer for him. I wasn't very good at this “comfort and encourage” thing. I'm not the A plus friend Marty and Josh deemed me as years ago at my Suave Sixteen. Years ago...wow, time flew by faster than a hurricane. Those days felt long ago like decades. Before I knew it, Reno and I had circled around the neighborhood and were a street away from where SNR would meet tomorrow. While the wind and the sounds around us kept Reno busy, I thought about his story and how his time with the Cappas affected him now.

  “Reno...are you okay?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, do you think you get sick every now and then because of those—”

  “I don't wanna talk about it anymore, okay?!” He walked off faster than I'd ever seen him walk, as fast as someone's running pace.

  I ran after him. I had to in order to keep pace. “Hey, wait up! I didn't mean to upset you!”

  “Yeah?” He turned around and I almost ran into him. “Well, you upset me and my stomach...I shoulda never told you my secret...or did I?” he smirked then frowned and left me to walk home steps behind him. Well, until I realized how much I didn't want to be out there with him anyway, and ran home steps ahead of him, the way it should always stay between us. I was to be followed, not him.