Twenty
Page 18
The thought of going makes me almost burst with longing for what I’ll leave behind. How could I have missed so much beauty and all the miracles along the way? How could there be an ending to forgiveness and love?
This is a world without end. And I know now, in a way I’ve never known before, that I am forever alive.
* * *
Ironically, it’s starting to mist outside. I pulled a sweater from my closet to put around my shoulders as I sit on the porch and smell the sweet scent of rain.
It’s been so long since we’ve had any here that it’s like seeing a spaceship flying overhead and dropping little gray men to the ground. It is that remarkable and new.
But then again, everything feels that way to me now. I have been renewed by the touch of my husband’s hand, by the gentleness of Father David, by the innocence of my nephews and niece, the love of my sister, even by the care of a Chinese healer half a continent away.
I wonder if this is why we’re in relationships. To remember who we are. To know the love within us rather than the bitterness.
It seems odd that I’m not scared now. I’ve seen so many people live their whole lives afraid of dying. All I can do is forgive myself for making this decision.
It seems to me that the most important thing is to forgive.
I used to think that forgiveness meant letting someone off the hook, denying that their betrayal hurt my soul. But now I can see forgiveness in a whole new light. I need to forgive myself for expecting this world, my life, to be different from how it is, to arrange itself according to my expectations.
I let the world be as it is. I accept my decision, my life, my death, whenever it comes.
I suppose that’s why I sit here under the stars tonight, listening to the sound of Joe breathing through the open window, feeling the breeze, smelling the rich smell of the productive soil. And I remember the love, not the sadness or the loss.
I’m so happy to leave the plants with rain. I spent some time alone with them today, talking to them, cupping their blooms in my hands. I don’t know if it’s the promise of rain or the powder from Lin Chow that I fed them a few days ago, but they look fresh and rejuvenated. They’re ready for what’s next, like me.
I’m going to go inside, slip into bed beside Joe, and let the sound of rain carry me into sleep. I have to admit that there’s a deep sadness inside. But when I think about seeing Daddy and Rose and Mama before the night is through, I feel like I’m holding on to something so deep and everlasting that sadness and fear have no power at all.
Most of all, there is indescribable joy to know this: I may wake up tomorrow morning with Joe handing me a cup of coffee and saying, “Didn’t want you to miss this sunrise.”
Or before that sun rises, I may be reunited with the three people I have missed the most.
I don’t know what will happen as I sleep tonight, or where I’ll awaken. But I do know one thing for sure. Either way I’ll be in heaven, looking straight into the eyes of love.
Lillian’s Coconut Cake
2 c. sugar
1 stick butter, softened
½ c. shortening
1 tsp. vanilla
5 eggs, separated
2 c. flour
1 tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. salt
1 c. buttermilk
1 ⅓ c. sweetened shredded coconut
Cream sugar, butter, shortening, and vanilla. Add egg yolks and beat until combined. Add flour, baking soda, and salt, alternating with buttermilk. Stir in coconut. Beat egg whites until stiff peaks form, then carefully fold into the batter.
Grease and flour three 9-inch cake pans, then line the bottoms with waxed paper and grease again. Spread batter equally in the pans and bake at 350 degrees for about 20 to 25 minutes, until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean.
Cool on racks for 10 minutes, then carefully remove the cake layers from pans and let cool completely.
Frosting
1 stick butter, softened
1 8-ounce package cream cheese
1 box powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
½ c. sweetened flaked coconut
Cream butter and cream cheese. Add powdered sugar and vanilla and beat until creamy and spreadable. Frost cake and sprinkle coconut over the top.
A READING GROUP GUIDE
TWENTY
Debra Landwehr Engle
ABOUT THIS GUIDE
The following questions are intended to enhance your group’s reading of
Twenty.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
1. At the beginning of the story, Meg feels overwhelmed by loss, grief, and a lack of purpose as she looks at the years ahead. She appears only partially committed to ending her life, yet she takes the pearls anyway. Why do you think she makes this decision when she’s not sure what she wants or what the outcome will be?
2. Meg says that her action isn’t a regular suicide. Do you agree or disagree? What makes it different? Does the twenty-day window change the definition of her decision?
3. In the story, the weather plays an important role, as the drought mirrors how parched Meg feels inside. It also makes her feel more helpless and despondent. How much are you influenced by your environment? What do you do to feel better when you’re dealing with extreme conditions in your external life?
4. While the green pearls are fictional, many people believe that terminally ill patients should have the right to assisted suicide. When Dr. Edelman gives Meg the pearls, he says, “[S]ometimes helping people cross that threshold from pain to peace is the greatest gift you can give them.” Do you agree or disagree?
5. Meg finds purpose in tying up loose ends, even though she doesn’t know if she’s preparing for life or death. What if we lived our lives as though we didn’t have much time left? Is there value in this?
6. What are some of the things Meg does that you would also do in her situation? For instance, cleaning? Visiting family? Giving things away? Reconnecting? What would you do differently?
7. Meg’s housecleaning mirrors the ways she’s clearing out her inner life. If you were to get rid of one thing that takes up space in your heart and mind, what would it be? For instance, guilt? Shame? Worry? Judgment? Doubt?
8. What events in the story give Meg hope? What role does hope play in our lives?
9. As Joe comes back into Meg’s life, she learns many lessons about love and the cost of keeping it at arm’s length. Why do we sometimes cut ourselves off from love? Which of Meg’s lessons resonate most with you?
10. Why is forgiveness so essential for Meg to finally heal from her past? What role has forgiveness played in your life?
11. Meg eventually sees every moment of life as a gift. Have you had such a moment? If so, what was it like? How did it change your perspective on the challenges life often brings?
12. What does Meg mean at the end when she says, “Either way I’ll be in heaven, looking straight into the eyes of love”? What do you think happens to Meg in the end? Why?
Photo: Amy Allen
Debra Landwehr Engle is the bestselling author of The Only Little Prayer You Need, Let Your Spirit Guides Speak and Be the Light that You Are. She teaches classes in A Course in Miracles and offers workshops on spirituality and writing worldwide. Debra lives with her husband, Bob, in Madison County, Iowa, home of the famed covered bridges. Twenty is her first novel.