Well This Sucks

by CoraLee June

  I woke up with a pounding headache. I didn’t even remember falling asleep, but here I was waking up in a huge four poster bed that looked like it could have been a prop for The Addams Family. The canopy was draped in black silk that went all the way to the floor. I couldn’t see much; the lights were dimmed so low that they barely emitted a glow. My throbbing head was grateful for the darkness of the room. Diego appeared and sat on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

  “Awful. What the fuck happened? How long was I asleep?”

  “Maybe twenty minutes,” Diego said, handing me a painkiller and a glass of water.

  “That’s it? It feels like I’ve been asleep forever,” I replied, popping the tiny pill in my mouth.

  “It’s the euphoria from being fed on. That’s part of the reason the humans downstairs are so desperate to be here. They are willing to risk death for a chance at that feeling.”

  “I thought they wanted to be immortal.”

  “That’s part of it,” Diego shrugged.

  Wait a second. Something occurred to me then. “Is every feeding so…erotic?” I asked in embarrassment, swallowing as I ran my hand through my tangled hair.

  Visions of me moaning in Bitchy Betty’s arms made me want to hurl.

  “If you’re asking about the time Betty fed from you, I’m guessing it wasn’t as enjoyable as what you just experienced. The venom burns when it hits your skin. You were probably in a lot of pain. You’re lucky Lawrence had enough skills to compel you to forget. A lot of unsanctioned changes are traumatizing for the victim.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. The fact that all of that happened and I couldn’t even remember was sobering. I wasn’t sure if I was thankful or not for that mercy.

  “You will start to feel like yourself again as soon as your headache clears. Rest now, I’ll check on you in about an hour. Once you are feeling better, we are going to have a serious conversation about my expectations for brunch tomorrow.”

  “I don’t want to rest. I want to talk now,” I said while sitting up and rubbing my temples. “Has anyone taught you to keep your expectations low?”

  “I prefer to remain ambitious. My job doesn’t allow for laziness or insubordination.” I scooted away and leaned against the extravagant headboard. Diego started pacing the floors. “You deeply offended the council by not participating in the feeding ritual.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That one woman seemed okay with it.”

  “Claire is kind, but she only holds one seat on the council. Word of your refusal to feed will spread like wildfire throughout the coven. That’s why all changes are supposed to be vetted. We want humans that can quickly acclimate to our customs and traditions.”

  I frowned. “It’s not like I asked for this.”

  “Yes,” Diego began. “We’ve already established that you didn’t want this. That’s the problem.” He paused his manic pacing. “I need you to start thinking of this coven as an elite country club. People are quite literally dying to get in. They want enthusiastic and devoted members, not women squeamish at the sight of blood.”

  “I’m not squeamish at the sight of blood. I’m squeamish at the thought of murdering someone,” I said, realizing that my words were true. The sight of blood didn’t make me want to scream and run out of the room anymore. “And what if I don’t want to be part of a super-secret society? What if I want to be a lone wolf? OH, speaking of wolves, are there werewolves?” I asked, remembering the list of questions I jotted down earlier.

  “No, what do you think this is? Twilight?” he chuckled. “But in all seriousness, you can’t be on your own, and you can’t go back to your normal life. This is your new reality—the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can start building your life here.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest in an act of defiance. I wasn’t ready to give up the life I worked so damn hard for to be a part of a world I didn’t even know existed outside of pop culture.

  “I will help you get through your transition, and then we will take it from there. But for now, I need you to make it through these first couple of weeks, okay? Your life depends on it.”

  “Fine. What do you need me to do for brunch?”

  “It won’t be like last night,” he reassured. “There won’t be any humans, only pancakes.”

  “Wait. Can I eat real food?” I asked, brows raised. “Last time I tried to eat something, it was like ash on my tongue.”

  Diego frowned. “Pamphlet, Drew. Read the goddamn pamphlet! Yes, you can eat real food. It won’t taste as good as you remembered when you are hungry for blood. The hungrier you are, the less appetizing the food will be. I suggest having a blood bag before brunch in the morning.”

  I shrugged. “Sounds easy enough. Do you need anything else from me?”

  “I need you to show up on time, don’t wear pink, and only speak when spoken to.”

  “Like a child?” I said, raising my eyebrows.

  “Like an obedient member of our society,” he corrected, voice stern and eyes like steel as they challenged me. I let out an exasperated huff.

  “What sort of things will they talk to me about?” I asked.

  “Your life before. They’ll want to find ways for you to contribute to society.”

  I scoffed. “What could a secret immortal kingdom possibly want?” I asked.

  “Well, for starters, the man begging you to feed from him tonight is on track to create a cure for heart disease. He graduated from college at sixteen.”

  I dropped my mouth open in shock. “The man lying on our dinner table in his underwear is a legit scientist?”

  “We like to acquire wealth and talent. When I said we were like an elite country club, I wasn’t joking.”

  “Well, shit,” I snapped. “I need to beef up my resume. You elitist pricks.”

  Diego chuckled. “Everyone is definitely puzzled by you. They’re doubting my authority right now.”

  “You could just tell them the truth,” I offered with a shrug.

  “And what would that be?”

  I lifted my index finger and motioned him closer. Diego cocked his head to the side and walked up to the bed like a skittish cat. “You were thinking with your dick the night you turned me. You let me live cause you want to bone me. Admit it.”

  He frowned and put more space between us. “I’m not an animal,” he spat.

  “Okay then, if that’s not the truth, what is?” I prodded.

  Diego scowled at me and didn’t answer. Instead, he stalked over to the door and opened it. Before he went through it, he turned toward me and said, “Brunch is at eleven tomorrow. Be early and dress the part. You seem to be doing fine, so you don’t need a babysitter for the evening. I have somewhere to be, you can see yourself out.”

  What the fuck crawled up his ass? Was he really that against being attracted to me? I waited to hear the click of the door before crawling out of the massive bed. “Be early. Dress the part. Be seen and not heard,” I mimicked Diego’s words to myself. Who did he think he was? I mean, other than the King of Hell or whatever. I didn’t like being told what to do, but at least I was going to get pancakes out of it.

  Drew

  I showed up at ten forty-three, I was early for being early. I had to ask Rocky where I was even supposed to be since Diego failed to include that crucial piece of information when he was busy telling me what to do. I was half tempted to not show up at all and use that as an excuse, but I was going to be the bigger person here. I caught Diego’s attention to make sure he knew that I was seventeen minutes early. His face initially registered shock when he saw me, but he recovered quickly, arranging his face into a polite smile.

  Normally I would have googled vampire couture, but since I didn’t have my phone and the parental settings they installed on my laptop barely let me send emails to Lacey, I had to beg Betty for help. She was surprisingly happy to play What Not to Wear with me as she tore through both of our closets for the perfect outfit. She settled on red leather pa
nts and a lacy black top with sleeves that billowed out at my wrists.

  “Go to town, there’s no such thing as too much,” I had told Betty as she applied layers of black eyeliner over the black shadow on my lids.

  Diego looked good. His all black suit was tailored to cling to all the right places, if you know what I mean. He sauntered up to me as I adjusted the large sunglasses on my face. I still wasn’t quite comfortable in the sun. Despite the long sleeves, I still had to apply about a tub of sunblock before I felt comfortable leaving the tower of doom—my new name for the vampire compound. If I had a gothic umbrella, I’d be holding it right now. I looked and felt ridiculous, but the way Diego bit his lip in appreciation gave me confidence.

  “You look surprisingly vampiric,” he noted before sweeping his gaze up and down my body. “It suits you.”

  “And you sound surprised. I can follow orders—even ridiculous ones. I like being alive, thank you very much. Also, can we please discuss the irony of vampires having brunch?”

  Diego gave me a blank stare. “What do you mean?”

  Letting out a huff, I quickly explained. “Brunch is the epitome of sunshine, patios, sugar, happiness, and mimosas. It’s literally the most cheerful part of my day.”

  “It’s just breakfast later in the day,” he deadpanned. I fought the urge to slap him.

  “Brunch is a spiritual experience that should be taken very seriously. It’s not just breakfast later in the day,” I said, using finger quotes to emphasize my point. “It’s where you and your friends can recap about the night before. It’s where you don’t have to count calories, you don’t have to worry if it’s appropriate to have champagne at ten a.m. You can be yourself and indulge with your favorite people while sitting on an Instagram-worthy patio.”

  I finished my monologue while clutching my chest. Diego stepped closer to me and tipped my chin. “When you’re the vampire king, your entire life is brunch, Drew.”

  I don’t know why, but that was quite possibly the sexiest thing anyone had ever said to me. “That analogy is so much better than the country club bullshit you said yesterday,” I replied with a smile. “You should put that on the welcome pamphlets: Life is like brunch when you’re a vampire.”

  Diego squeezed his eyes shut in annoyance. “Let’s go inside, please.”

  Claire and Graham were already seated inside, along with half a dozen other vampires I didn’t recognize. Huh, I guess I wasn’t as early as I thought. As if he were reading my thoughts, Diego whispered so that only I could hear, “We’ve been here for an hour, we had some council matters to discuss before your arrival.”

  Claire stood up when she saw me and greeted me with a warm smile and gentle hug. I already knew that I liked her, but seeing her in a white sundress with perfectly curled hair standing out amongst the sea of black gave me hope. Maybe I didn’t have to give up my entire identity to stay alive. Or dead. Or undead, I really needed to clarify the lingo with Diego.

  “To those of you who don’t already know her, I would like to introduce Drew Lane, the newest member of the royal court,” Diego announced to the table. “She’s currently going through orientation and doing very well. We believe that she will fit into our society seamlessly, becoming an invaluable member of the coven.”

  Oh good, now Diego was straight up lying. I looked over at Graham and saw him smirking. That’s fair. Diego pulled out a chair for me and pushed it toward the table once I was seated.

  I took a moment to take in my surroundings. This restaurant was far too posh for my tastes, and they didn’t even crack open the blinds to let some natural light in. Which, given my current undead status, was much appreciated. The place settings had numerous forks, spoons, knives, plates and bowls. It looked like I would need a master’s degree in pretentious bullshit to decipher what each thing was for.

  The white tablecloth looked like it was begging me to spill something on it. As far as brunches went, this place would get three stars on Yelp. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. I was disappointed that we didn’t get more of a chance last night. You left before the fun even started,” said a man with icy blond hair, pale gray eyes and narrow shoulders. He looked almost bird-like. Dainty. Delicate. Sharp. “I’m Asher, by the way. Asher Finnigus Rinaldi the Eighth.” He said his name with the sort of pretentious air that hinted his title was supposed to mean something to me. Luckily, I was used to dealing with wealthy men that thought the world revolved around them. In my line of work, the men I dealt with got off more from having their egos stroked than from having sex.

  I feigned shock and reverence, widening my eyes like I gave a shit about who Asher Finnigus Rinaldi the Eighth was. “Wow! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you. It’s an honor.”

  The man preened. If expressions were orgasms, he would have just splooged all over the fancy table.

  Diego spoke up. “Yes. Drew has been very curious about your family’s well-known contributions to the coven. She was shocked when I told her that you managed to infiltrate human government and get elected as lieutenant governor in Wyoming.”

  Wyoming was hardly impressive, but I nodded enthusiastically anyway. Before Asher Finnigus Rinaldi the Eighth had a chance to keep talking about himself, Diego moved on. He gestured to the smartly dressed blonde woman sitting directly across from him.

  “This is Winter Moon. Winter is at the top of her field. She is currently working on research with Children’s Health to find a cure for cystic fibrosis. They are right on the cusp of a breakthrough,” he said, smiling.

  Wow, now that was impressive. I didn’t have to fake it this time when I said, “That’s incredible! Your research will change the lives of so many kids and families, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “Thank you, Drew. The pleasure is all mine.”

  Diego went around the table and introduced the remaining council members one by one. Each was more impressive than the last. One of the remaining men was an astronaut, he had been to the International Space Station twice and now worked for NASA as an engineer. Another had worked behind the scenes with Charles Darwin on the Galapagos Islands. He told me how he was careful to keep his name out of any papers and photographs. He had wanted to use that identity as long as possible without raising suspicion.

  “Tell us, Drew, what is it that you do?” Damien, the man who owned half of the buildings on Wall Street, asked me.

  Diego took in a sharp breath of air. He stared at me intensely, like he was trying to control my words with his mind. I’d spent most of my adult life dealing with judgmental assholes that thought my job was controversial or embarrassing. It didn’t matter that I climbed to the top of a male-dominated industry or that I completely changed the space and started a genuine conversation about women empowerment in the sex toy market. People saw my career and slapped a taboo label on it. I was used to being underestimated or overlooked.

  “I’m sure Diego already told you all, but I’m the head of marketing for a sex toy company. It’s not nearly as impressive as what some of you do, but I believe healthy sexual expression is not only natural, but also necessary.”

  Graham snickered. “You sell dildos?”

  “I also design toys. That’s how I got my start. The Tongue Twister 9000 was my brain baby,” I replied proudly. “It was a bestselling toy that put Hard Nights on the map and skyrocketed my career. I’ve been featured in several magazines and made the “30 under 30” list. We have also donated over one hundred thousand dollars to organizations that help women who have been victims of sexual assault. So I would say I do a little more than sell dildos.”

  The women at the table were all giving me nods of approval, and even Damien was smiling encouragingly at me. Diego looked relieved that Graham was the only one who found my career funny.

  “I must apologize for Graham; it would appear he isn’t entirely comfortable with female sexuality. Perhaps you can send a care package to his girlfriend? It sounds like she desperately needs it,” Winter d
eadpanned.

  Graham turned pale as the rest of the table joined in on teasing him about his sexual abilities. A huge smile stretched across my face as I made a mental note to send Winter a muffin basket. I think I liked the council after all.

  “Yes, well. I’m glad we can have a laugh at my expense, but I think we need to have a meaningful conversation about Drew’s position in royal court.”

  The table immediately went silent, and I rolled my shoulders back. I seriously didn’t like this Graham dude. “And what about it?” I asked politely, though I was imagining stabbing him in the eye with my fork.

  “I think we need to seriously consider taking a vote on your status in our community. With all due respect to our king, I do believe we should make an exception to the ancient blood sharing law of our people and strip Drew of her title. She is an unvetted vampire, and quite frankly, I’ve seen her file. It’s very concerning.”

  “Are you suggesting that the council disregard an ancient law that governs our people because of your own prejudice? Kings have the right to appoint anyone they deem worthy to court,” Diego said while cocking his head to the side. “I daresay to contradict my wishes is treason.”

  “Since when do the desires of the king supersede the standards of our people?” Graham countered. “Members of court have more freedoms, higher wages, and better accommodations. Has she truly earned that? Most humans are waitlisted for a decade. She was in the wrong alley at the wrong time.”

  Shit. This was like watching a heated ping pong match.

  Claire cleared her throat and stood up. “Lawrence Wright was sponsored by my family. He has been nothing but a disappointment, and we are sincerely apologetic about his actions. It feels fair that Drew be properly compensated for Mr. Wright’s crimes.”

  Graham gave her an incredulous look. “She’s already been compensated. She’s been given immortality!”

  I opened and closed my mouth, not sure of what to say.