Where Fools Dare to Tread

by David William Pearce

  The light woke me up. I’d forgotten to draw the shades. I tried to roll away from it, but that did no good. I looked at the clock. It was already eight-thirty. Agnes had the covers over her head to block the light. I was half tempted to get out of bed, and half tempted to do as Agnes had and pull up the covers. I did neither. I just lay there. After a half hour I roused Agnes and got up. She mumbled something about ten more minutes. I washed my face and got dressed. I sat in the chair and watched as she fitfully tried to get up. The covers were off her face and she was sitting up.

  “Well, you’re almost there.”

  “What time is it?” I told her the time. “Really, I have at least another hour before I have to get up.”

  “Not given how long it takes you to get ready. You’re on the clock, beautiful. I’m going to go scope out places to eat. I’m hungry.”

  “You always seem hungry. How do you stay slim and eat so much?”

  “That’s the key, I don’t. Up and at ‘em.”

  “I think I made a mistake with you, Buttman.”

  “That’s what makes love so special.”

  She smiled and threw a pillow at me.

  I didn’t see either of the clowns as I exited the hotel. I wondered where they were. I was beginning to enjoy our game of cat and mouse. The street wasn’t nearly so busy in the morning. It was quiet with just a few stragglers like me. Off to the left was a sign for a café. I headed that way and came upon two guys just inside the alley where I’d met the clown the night before. They were looking down the alley. At first I didn’t see it, but there it was. The blue sedan was parked behind the dumpsters. The two guys looked at me with mild concern. I didn’t see the problem.

  “What’s up?”

  The older one pointed down the alley. “Roddy here thinks something’s going on with that car.”

  Roddy was a pint-sized guy who couldn’t have weighed more than a hundred and twenty pounds. He had a blast of black hair and a splotchy beard.

  “I went to dump the trash and I saw the car. It didn’t look right, so I grabbed Mr. Buzzkirk to come look.”

  Buzzkirk wasn’t much taller, but weighed twice as much, reminding me of a human bowling ball. Neither wanted to approach the car, but I was feeling brave after my encounter the previous night. Fools rush in.

  “I’ll go check,” I offered.

  The two nodded. I walked towards the car with the two of them following at a distance. The car was as far as it could get to the side of the building. I wondered if they were sleeping. As I got closer I could see why Roddy was concerned. The passenger window was down. I thought it might be cute to startle them; arouse them from their slumber, but as I approached I could see that wasn’t an option.

  The two were dead, both shot in the head.

  It wasn’t so cute anymore.

  The passenger took it in the forehead, the driver in the right temple. I don’t think he saw it coming. The passenger, the guy I spooked, looked out in wonder, eyes wide, mouth open. I thought there’d be more blood than the small streams coming out of the bullet holes. Instead, the blood was on the back seat and the window. I stepped away and turned to Buzzkirk. My stomach started to knot.

  “You have a phone?”

  “Yeah?” He hesitated to answer.

  “Call 911. These guys are dead.”

  Roddy and Buzzkirk carefully approached the car for a look. They didn’t stay long. I was headed for the entrance to the alley, certain I was going to throw up. I was regretting my willingness to be brave. I told the two we needed to wait for the cops. Both were as white as I assumed I was. Buzzkirk mumbled he had to check the café, but would be right back. Roddy and I tried made small talk about the weird stuff that happens around dumpsters. I thought he was stammering too much, but I wasn’t listening. This wasn’t a good thing. Small potatoes following other small potatoes shouldn’t end up dead in an alley.

  It didn’t take long for the cops to arrive. Buzzkirk came back out and we told our story plain as it was. I was getting nervous about the gun in my pocket. I had forgotten about it until I heard the sirens and I realized I had no explanation for it or a permit. Fortunately the cops weren’t focusing on us as potential suspects, we were just the poor slobs who stumbled onto the bodies. Buzzkirk worried it was a drug deal gone bad. Roddy wondered why they were in the alley in the first place. A pair of detectives showed up and asked the same questions the officers had. I didn’t know anything, just wanted some breakfast. I gave my name and the number of A and A if they needed to talk to me. After an hour or so they let us go. I went back to the hotel.

  I wasn’t hungry anymore.

  Agnes and Anna were waiting in the lobby.

  “Where have you been all this time?” Aggie asked. “We came down when we heard the sirens.”

  I hesitated to say anything. “Two men were killed in the alley. That’s what the commotion is about.”

  Agnes was shocked “That’s terrible. Did you see it?”

  “I’m the one who found them.”

  Both of them looked at me like I was nuts. We sat down and I told them of seeing Roddy and Buzzkirk, and of my grisly discovery. Agnes reiterated how terrible and Anna sat there wondering what to say. What do you say? I suggested we get going. They agreed. Anna volunteered to drive. That was ok with me. While they went to her car I made a beeline for the Falcon. I put the 45 away and waited as Anna brought her car around. She had a small sky blue Toyota. I sat in the back so Agnes could more easily converse with her daughter.

  Not a whole lot was said.

  First we headed towards Golden Gate Park. Anna knew of a good place for lunch. It was a warm day with high clouds. I tried not to think of the dead men by watching the people on the streets and in their cars. The tension from the night before was gone, or at least I didn’t sense it. Anna parked the car and we got out. The restaurant was tucked into what used to be a big old house. We found a booth by a window and sat down. Both mother and daughter looked beautiful, both had their hair pulled back. They were wearing nearly the same outfit. Anna wore a cream-colored shirt, while Agnes’ was dark blue. Anna’s was more demure owing to the fact that she did not inherit her mother’s bosom. Both had on stretchy jeans. We ordered lunch and waited for someone to say something other than how nice we all looked.

  I went first. “What would you two like to do today? I don’t know how much time Anna has before she has to go back, so maybe we should make some plans?”

  “I have the day off. Dad wanted me to come back at five, but Eric told him I should have the whole day off, so we can do whatever you like.” Anna didn’t seem thrilled.

  “Great,” I enthused, perhaps too much. “Yeah, I like Eric. We had a good time last night.”

  Agnes chimed in, “That’s because he like boys, you know.”

  “And he knows I like girls, so it works out.”

  Anna was annoyed. “Ok, we can do whatever you like, but there are two things we won’t talk about, me coming back to LA and dad’s sexuality, Ok?”

  We both glared at Agnes. She relented. “Alright, I’ll be good.”

  I reiterated my desire to hit the parks and the bridge. I also asked if they wanted to go hear Joanie sing. Anna thought that would be fun. Agnes was less enthusiastic, but didn’t say no. I asked Anna how she liked work, which got her talking about how much it took to run a restaurant and all the things she had to learn. Simon had her doing different things, whether it was prep, or line work, or assisting the chefs. She said she enjoyed it, that the nights went fast. Agnes asked about boyfriends, but Anna demurred, blaming work and being too busy to have time for romance. We ate our lunch as the two women talked about Barron and his future. Agnes
talked about work and being by herself. It was her way of skirting around the please come back to mamma and LA restriction.

  Inevitably the talk turned to Agnes and me.

  I didn’t mind talking about what Agnes and I were up to, but I had to resist the impulse to be glib or cavalier. All I wanted was a kindred spirit with a reasonable sex drive and no more goofy idiosyncrasies than I had. I believed that was why we were drawn to each other. We’d done a lot worse and this wasn’t so bad.

  I expected Anna to be more critical, perhaps more demanding, but I soon began to understand the complications in their relationship. Anna wanted to know if this meant her mother had changed, gave more thought to what she was doing, thereby avoiding the damage she inflicted on herself and her children. Agnes was defensive and just wanted Anna to be more understanding about how difficult it was to suddenly be on your own, to have the person you thought you’d be with forever tell you it was all a fraud. Anna countered that she understood that, that it had been difficult for all of them, not just her mother.

  Though his name didn’t come up, I felt that Jordan and whatever had happened between them still afflicted this mother and daughter. For the most part I kept my mouth shut and answered the questions directed at me, but the tension I sensed last night was beginning to simmer and I had no interest in watching it boil.

  “Maybe we should take a break, see the sights.”

  “What do you think about this?” Anna was looking at me.

  So was Agnes.

  “Well…” What did I think? “I think there are issues that the two of you are still struggling with, and I have no idea whether there’s been any talk about what each of you expects that the other is willing to accept. I know a little about some of your history, about your father, and about Jordan.” I took stock of their response to that name. Anna’s eyes darkened while Agnes turned away. “Obviously, I don’t know you very well, and while I feel I know your mother reasonably well, there are going to be things I’m unaware of, but having said that, I believe your mother is a good person who did what a lot of us do in times of stress, which is to fuck everything up, and when we do, it can be a monumental challenge to convince the people we’ve hurt that we’re worthy of their trust and understanding. I know, I’ve been there, and I’m still mending fences,” I rambled.

  Agnes reached out for Anna’s hand. “You see what I mean?”

  Anna arched her left eyebrow. “Yeah, he’s a little different.”

  I assumed that was a good thing, like a carnival prize.

  Agnes excused herself to go to the bathroom. At least she wasn’t crying. I watched Anna watch her mother. She turned to me.

  “What did she tell you about Jordan?”

  “That he was younger, a rebound, that he fooled around on her, and hit on you which is why you left.”

  The darkness in Anna’s eyes deepened. “No, he was much worse than that! He was fucking abusive, physically and emotionally. He beat her, and I know he sexually assaulted her, but she wouldn’t leave. He tried to rape me while she was waiting outside, and when she came in, he hit her and hit her until we were both screaming, but she wouldn’t call the police, and she wouldn’t let me call the police. She went back to him, time and time again!” Anna’s face was red with anger; her hands were knotted around the napkin, tearing at it.

  “Good Lord!” It was all I could think of to say. The knot in my stomach was back, nice and tight.

  “I wish!” she sounded like Moses when he cursed God. The tears were slowly forming around her eyes, but I could tell she refused to cry.

  “What stopped it?”

  “Johnny stopped it. I told him about the assault. I didn’t know what else to do. You know I didn’t believe the stories about him, because he never seemed to get mad, but that day he did. He’d already told my mother that he’d throw her out if she saw him again; loud enough that everyone there heard it. It’s the only time I ever heard him raise his voice.”

  “And Jordan?”

  “Johnny had two of his men find him and they beat him to a pulp. I heard they drove him to the Nevada border and told him if he ever stepped back into California, he’d never walk again. Now do you understand?”

  “Yeah, I’d have left too.”

  Anna was glaring at me.

  “Goddamned right! It still pisses me off. I go to therapy and I try to understand, but it’s hard. It’s really fucking hard.”

  “Yeah…” It was all that came out.

  Agnes was standing by the door.

  It was Anna’s turn to use the restroom. She didn’t look at her mother as she passed her. Agnes very gingerly came back to the table. She sat down but wouldn’t look at me.

  “She told you, didn’t she?”

  “Yes.” I didn’t want to say anything. I just sat there. Agnes stared off in the distance as we waited for Anna to return. “Is it true?”

  In a sad dead voice, a quiet “yes” came out. “I told you this would…”

  “I don’t want to hear that!” I needed a few moments of silence.

  Anna came back and sat down. Both were taciturn. No tears, no nothing. They were waiting; waiting for something to make the horror and the hatred fade away, to take away the stupidity and the mistakes, to let them move on.

  “What do we do now?” Somebody spoke.

  “We go to the park,” I said.

  31

  The good graces of a warm wind and a bright sky made a difference, if only for me. It felt good to be outside, to be moving. The park was filled with people out having a good time. I asked if they still wanted to go to the club to hear Joanie sing. I didn’t hear no. Anna said it was a good place to eat, but not very big. Reservations might be tough. I called Joanie to see if she could reserve us a table. She sounded thrilled that we were going to show up. It was good to hear her voice.

  I was trying very hard not to judge Agnes over what Anna had said, but my mind kept playing back sordid images of Agnes with Jordan and the idea that she would allow that to happen, that she would let it continue. I watched her as we wandered around the park. I was both appalled and sorry. She kept her distance from Anna and me, although they were talking, even if it was all superficialities about pretty flowers, happy children, and cute dogs. She would look at me from time to time, as if checking to see if I was still here.

  We headed to the Presidio; following the same pattern we had at Golden Gate Park. Agnes and Anna continued to converse, and I would join in every once in a while, but there was no life to it. They were dutifully keeping to the script, waiting for it to be over. We stayed mostly on the north side of the park near the bridge. We stopped at the Palace of Fine Arts before heading to the Golden Gate Promenade. Agnes and Anna walked ahead of me. We found a bench and sat to watch the people walking by and the tides slapping against the rocks.

  Joanie called to say we had a table at eight, about the time she started her show, the first of two. I thanked her and checked my watch; it was nearly six. I relayed this to my companions. Anna wanted to stop at the house she shared with her father and Eric.

  “Mom, I want to talk to Monk for a moment.”

  Agnes’s face fell, but she didn’t object. She stayed on the bench while Anna and I walked towards the water.

  “I want you to know that I still love my mother. I do, but I don’t like her anymore, and I don’t know if I ever want to see her again. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I feel safe and happy with where I am. Seeing her is painful and I still feel a lot of anger towards her and I don’t like feeling this way. You seem like a decent person, but so did some of her other boyfriends and look what happened. So you’ll hav
e to understand if I keep my distance. I don’t want to chase you away, but don’t let her fool you.”

  We both looked over at Agnes who was staring at the bridge.

  “I don’t know what to say. Obviously, there’s a lot I don’t know or understand, and it’s not my place to tell you what to do or what to think, but forever is a long time. Maybe it’s best to simply enjoy today and let tomorrow take care of itself.”

  Anna just looked at me. Her crooked smile followed me to the bench. We gathered our thoughts and returned to the car. The ride to her house made me wonder if this trip was a mistake. This half wasn’t going well and there was still my half, which I didn’t think would be any more promising. No one had an interest in making small talk, which left us in the throes of our disquiet. There was a phrase for you. I laughed. Mother and daughter both said what at the same time, which made me laugh even more. Anna pulled the car into the driveway shaking her head. Agnes stayed in the car.

  “You’re not coming in?”

  “No, maybe some other time.” As if other opportunities would be ever forthcoming.

  I shrugged and went with Anna into the house. Eric was there. He appeared ready to hit the town in a silver suit with a black shirt and a red tie.

  I whistled. “Man, you look sharp tonight. Plans?”

  “I’m meeting friends. You?”

  “The same. A friend of mine is in town. We’re going to listen to her sing.”

  “Excellent. Where’s she singing?”

  “The Mind’s Eye, ever heard of it?”

  “Oh, yeah. I’ve sung there many times. It’s a great little place.” Eric came closer. “How’s the day been?”

  I couldn’t hide the fact that I knew more than I wanted to. Eric lost his smile.

  “Not so good. I didn’t realize the depth of the problem ‘til now.”