The Consultant's Recovery

by Gill Sanderson

  ‘I think I'll have this,’ she said.

  ‘You'll need new underwear,‘ Marianne said. ‘Always dress well from the inside out. It makes you feel good. And we'll buy you some new shoes. Next department down, I think.’

  Finally they finished shopping and their purchases were waiting for them in a set of shiny dark purple carriers. Tania caught a glimpse of the cheque Marianne signed and was horrified. ‘I saw that,‘ she squeaked. ‘I haven't spent that much on clothes in the past three years.’

  ‘It's Jonathan's money and he can afford it,’ Marianne said laconically. ‘He rarely spends anything on himself. Now, all this spending is tiring. We'll have tea in the restaurant upstairs.’

  ‘I'm going to cross-examine you now,’ she said when they were sitting together in the shop's gold and white tearoom. ‘It's a mother's privilege. My son – you know what he's going through, don't you?’

  ‘I think so,‘ replied Tania. ‘In fact, I know so. He tries to keep up this front of being hard, but he's human, like the rest of us. It's just that he makes it difficult for anyone to get through to him. Perhaps it's his way of coping.’

  ‘Perhaps it is.’ Marianne was obviously not sure about something. ‘I've just been offered a big contract in New York, work that'll take me all my time for the next four months. I want to turn it down, to stay with Jonathan – to look after him, if you like. But I'm not sure if that would be good for him. What do you think, Tania?’

  She hadn't expected this. ‘You shouldn't ask me,‘ she said firmly. ‘I'm not a doctor. I don't know what's best.’

  ‘I don't want a doctor's opinion. I want an answer from someone who's close to him. The question is, will it be better for Jonathan if I stay here and mother him, or if I go and leave him to fight his own battles?’

  ‘You could ask him!’

  ‘And you know very well what he'd say. This is a decision I need to take without consulting my son.’

  It was some time before Tania could force herself to speak. She sensed that Marianne knew how the question was troubling her, how hard she found it to answer. Finally, she managed to get the words out. ‘You shouldn't ask me questions like that. I might be wrong, and that would be dreadful. And I like you. But I think that at the moment Jonathan needs … space. Whatever happens, he needs to manage it on his own.’

  Marianne sighed. ‘I thought you'd say that but I was hoping you wouldn't. The thing is, I agree with you. I'm to love him but keep my distance for a while.’ She bent her head to sip her tea. Tania thought she caught a glimpse of a tear.

  But when Marianne asked her next question, she was as tough as ever. ‘Tell me, how often do the people you help fall in love with you?’

  ‘Occasionally,’ Tania said. ‘Actually, it tends to be the older ones.‘ She giggled. ‘I have had a proposal – not of marriage unfortunately – from an eighty year old. But mostly it's not love so much as reliance.’

  ‘And are you bound by the – what is it – Hippocratic Oath? You swear not to take sexual advantage of your patients?’

  ‘We don't take the Hippocratic Oath,’ Tania explained. ‘We're not doctors or nurses but trainers. We don't call them patients but clients. But I'd like to think that we feel the same way about those we're trying to help. I can think of nothing worse than taking advantage of someone who is blind.’

  ‘So do you worry about you and Jonathan? Do you think you're being fair to him?’

  ‘Yes, I worry,‘ Tania admitted. ‘And sometimes I think that Jonathan's not being fair to me. But I do think that I'm helping him.’

  ‘You certainly are. And don't worry about breaking his heart. It won't be bad for him, to feel what his girlfriends in the past have suffered.’

  ‘I don't want to hurt him. But there are two things about us. First, in general, I don't want to get married. Second, well, he's blind. His well-ordered life is upside down. He thinks he's tough, and he probably is, but he's still vulnerable. There's a danger that he'll fall for anyone who will show him sympathy and kindness. He may well get his sight back. And after that I doubt whether I'll see much more of him.’

  ‘I'm sure you will,‘ replied Marianne. ‘You're a very beautiful young woman.’

  Chapter Seven

  ‘I DON'T think ballroom dancing is part of our necessary curriculum,‘ Tania said on the following Monday, ‘although I know they have dances on our club afternoons.’

  ‘Well, it should be part of the curriculum. It teaches you to be confident and rhythmic. Didn't I once see a film starring Robert de Niro when he was a blind dancer?’

  ‘I think there is one,‘ she said. ‘I've never seen it. Do you like dancing?’

  ‘The little I've done I've enjoyed very much. Now, is there a socket we can use or do we have to rely on the batteries?’

  They were in the church hall she used for long stick training. Jonathan was holding a cardboard box that held a portable player and a set of CDs, which he had refused to let her carry.

  ‘I think there's a socket over here,’ she said. She led him to the corner of the stage and plugged in the player. ‘Now, what shall we start with?’

  ‘Well, Joe's made a few enquiries and I remember what happened last year. There'll be a band and a lot of the music will be formal – you know, the old-fashioned waltz and quickstep and so on. Then in the intervals there will be a disco for the younger and more adventurous dancers. I suspect this time I'd better give the disco dancing a miss.’

  ‘You're probably right. The sight of you gyrating on your own …’

  ‘Not a pretty sight and probably dangerous to passers-by,‘ he said. ‘I entirely agree. We'll stick to the older stuff. You know, the bit where I get to hold you.’

  ‘That,‘ she told him, ‘is not the aim of the exercise.’

  He offered her the box of CDs. ‘Shall we start with something slow and easy – a waltz?’

  ‘A waltz would be fine. Nice, romantic music. Vienna and Strauss and so on.’

  ‘Viennese waltzing? We're not going to move that quickly quite just yet.’

  She picked out a CD and slid it into the player.

  The music echoed across the hall, and Jonathan stood there and opened his arms. After a moment's hesitation Tania moved into them. She took his left hand in her right, his right hand slid round her waist. The classic dancing position.

  ‘The gentleman is supposed to lead,‘ he said, ‘guiding the lady by subtle pressure and the movement of his body. How are we going to manage if you're moving backwards all the time?’

  ‘I'll look over my shoulder,’ she told him. ‘Don't worry, we won't mow anyone down.’

  ‘I think I'd better get closer to you. That way I'll feel safer.’ Gently, he pulled her body to his.

  ‘Why do I think that your mind isn't entirely on dancing?’

  ‘I've no idea. All I want to do is perfect another physical skill. Now, one two three, one two three …’ And they were away.

  He was accustomed to leading, and it was hard for him to learn to follow her. And she was accustomed to being led. The first couple of minutes were farcical, as each tried to adopt the other's role. But slowly they learned to move together. And it had to be together. It was easiest if their bodies were close, touching.

  He was a quick study. And she learned her new part quickly, being able to direct him, slow him, weave their way through imaginary other couples. When they thought they had mastered the waltz they moved on to the foxtrot and the quickstep. It got easier.

  Tania found herself enjoying the music, the ease of movement, in a way she hadn't enjoyed herself in years. This was a new physical skill for Jonathan, and he brought to it the concentration and the determination she had seen in all his other learning. Soon they were both enjoying themselves.

  They danced for two hours. But then it was time to get back to the flat. Marianne would have a meal waiting for them.

  ‘I want to be traditional,’ he said. ‘Put on a last waltz and I'll ask you if I can walk you hom
e. Or I'll even get us a taxi.’

  ‘You certainly know how to show a girl a good time. But the sexes are equal now. I'll drive you home.’

  The last waltz spun to a close. They stood together in the middle of the floor, sunlight flooding through the windows shining on the stacked chairs, the faint dusty smell around them. It wasn't the romantic setting suggested by the music, but for a moment Tania wouldn't have been anywhere else.

  He didn't release her. Instead, he slid his left arm round her waist so he was holding her loosely, face to face. And when he stooped to kiss her she pulled him closer to her. It started as just a friendly kiss, an acknowledgement of time spent together, holding each other. But then it deepened into something more.

  Jonathan took his arms from round her waist, and touched her face. She held him still. His fingertips ran down her cheeks, outlined her lips, glided gently over her neck. A caress so gentle, so sweet as to be almost unendurable.

  ‘I think I can see by touching,’ he said hoarsely, ‘and I know that you're beautiful.’ His hands followed her arms, stroking the insides of her elbows. Then his thumbs rubbed her wrists. All so sweet. He placed his hands on her waist and she felt his hesitation.

  ‘Go on,’ she said. ‘I don't mind, really I don't. In fact, I would like it.’ She didn't recognise the voice as hers.

  His hands strayed down the front of the thin T-shirt she was wearing, held her breasts. She knew that her nipples awoke, reacted to his touch. It excited her as much as it excited him.

  ‘You're so beautiful,’ he breathed again. ‘Do you realise, the reason I most want my sight back is so that I can see you – all of you?’

  ‘That's a lovely thing to hear,’ she said, her voice almost breaking under the strain.

  Tania realised she had been swimming round the edges of a whirlpool, thinking she was safe. Now she knew she wasn't. She had been dragged into the vortex.

  ‘We're going to have a little party before the ball,’ Jonathan said late on that day. ‘Just cocktails, and I've arranged for a tray of small nice things to be brought in. There'll be eight of us and we'll have a table together. I've left all this arranging to Joe here.’

  ‘As if I don't have enough to do,’ said Joe, who had dropped in for a visit. ‘Look at me. Rushed off my feet.’

  In fact, he was lying full length on the couch in Jonathan's living room, a glass of orange juice balanced on his chest.

  ‘If he does well,’ Jonathan went on remorselessly, ‘then in time he gets to be important like me. If he doesn't do well, it's corn plasters for the rest of his life.’

  ‘A good corn plasterer brings joy to many people,’ Joe pointed out. ‘However –’

  ‘Who are the rest of the eight?’ Tania broke in. She had learned that the only way of getting an answer when Joe and Jonathan were in this mood was to interrupt.

  ‘There's you and me,’ Jonathan said. ‘Joe and … Joe?’

  ‘I have found an attractive nurse companion,’ Joe said, ‘called Jenny Lee. She's the probationer on our ward. Only when I got to know her did I realise we have so much in common. She trained as a chef for a while. She likes cooking and I like eating.’

  ‘Obviously a partnership made in heaven,’ Tania said. ‘Who else?’

  ‘Senior Registrar Eleanor Page and the new locum consultant, Jerry O'Connor,’ said Joe. ‘Moved in fast there did our Eleanor. A good career move.’

  ‘Just professional courtesy,’ Jonathan said. ‘Don't be bitter, Joe. Did she turn you down?’

  Joe was horrified. ‘Me? Turned down by Eleanor!’

  ‘Now I know how men talk behind women's backs,’ Tania said disapprovingly. ‘You're all terrible gossips. Who's the fourth couple?’

  ‘My mother and my surgeon,’ Jonathan said. ‘Marianne phoned Charles Forsythe and asked to talk to him. And now they so much enjoy talking about me that they're going to do it in public.’

  Tania could tell by his amiable tone that Jonathan thought this coupling was an excellent idea.

  ‘I like Charles,’ she said. ‘He's good company.’

  ‘Incidentally,’ Jonathan went on, ‘my mum's having her personal hairdresser come here to see to her on the afternoon of the ball. She wants to know if you'd like your hair done, too.’

  ‘Well, I was going to go to a nurse I know,’ Tania said, ‘but it would be a lot easier to have it done here.’ She had never had a hairdresser come to the house.

  ‘I've to tell you that she can do your make-up as well,’ Jonathan said. ‘Perhaps she'll do mine, too.’

  The day of the dance was hot. In the morning Jonathan sat with Tania in the garden and she read to him from the journals he needed for his work. It was surprisingly enjoyable. He didn't just listen, he commented. And what he said was always interesting.

  She was just opening a new magazine when a full-page advertisement caught her eye. ‘Jonathan!’ she squeaked. ‘It's got your name here!’ She looked through the rest of the page. ‘There's a symposium in Florida – the American Association of Communicable Diseases – and you're supposed to be talking about the spread of tuberculosis in Britain and how visitors from abroad have affected this spread.’

  ‘A few years ago we thought we had tuberculosis beaten,’ he told her calmly. ‘Now there are signs of it coming back. Olive was only one of many cases I've come across.’

  ‘But what are you going to do?’ She looked at the page again. ‘The meeting starts in a fortnight.’

  ‘Well, I've already written the talk, that's no problem. But I want to present it myself.’

  He sat there, contentedly enjoying the morning sunshine, and said, ‘I've been meaning to ask you but I wanted to wait for the right time. Would you like to come to Florida with me, Tania?’

  ‘What!’

  ‘Quite a few of the delegates take secretaries or research assistants or even wives and partners with them,’ he said. ‘You'd be acting as a kind of secretary for me. Taking notes here and there, lists of addresses and so on. And you'd be my eyes, telling me what was happening.’

  ‘You want me to go as a secretary? We'll need to set firm boundaries and agree on my role now. We need to get that straight.’

  ‘Sadly, secretary is all,’ he said. ‘I was going to take Joe, but he can't be spared from the department.’

  ‘I don't know what to say,’ she muttered. ‘Tell me more about what I'd have to do.’

  ‘Well, you'd have to read my speech and –’

  ‘Read your speech! Stand up in front of all those people and read your speech? Couldn't someone else do that?’

  ‘I suppose they could. But if you read it, I feel it would be personal to me. I'd be sitting by you on the stage. Afterwards there are always questions and I'd answer those. It would only take about half an hour, Tania. We could rehearse it together. Will you come?’

  ‘Well, I'd love to go to Florida,’ she said, ‘I've never been to America.’

  ‘You'd be a wonderful help to me,’ he said. ‘No one knows better than you what I can do, what I can't. Of course, I'd pay you, so it would be entirely proper.’

  ‘Does your paying me stop you from trying to sleep with me?’ she asked boldly.

  ‘You know very well it does. That's why you want to be paid, and it's also why I want to pay you.’

  Jonathan stopped a moment, and Tania realised they'd strayed into an area far from whether she would go to Florida or not. It was something she had to keep reminding herself of. This man was too good at hiding his feelings. Often she had no idea what his thoughts were, what he was going through.

  He said, ‘I want everything from you except pity. And you could sleep with me out of pity.’

  ‘It's not very likely,’ she said tartly. ‘I'm not sure I want to sleep with anyone yet. But other than that, don't you think that I'm entitled to give what I want to who I want? And for whatever reason? In a few weeks' time you'll be either blind for life or able to see. My feelings towards you won't be changed by either, I assure
you.’

  ‘You told me just how much being newly blind could affect people's judgement,’ he said. ‘I believed you. I may be wrong about you, but I still think you're capable of being motivated by pity. And that I won't have. Now, let's change the subject. It's really hot but above all I'd like to go for a run.’

  ‘I'll get my whistle,’ she said.

  There would be no decision about Florida yet.

  There were more people on the sands today, but it was still too early for it to be really crowded. One or two looked curiously when they saw her standing there, blowing her whistle at the running man. But it was easy to direct Jonathan to avoid them. Finally, when he was streaming with sweat, he ran into the sea. For a couple of minutes he bathed there, rolling over and over in the surf. Tania was worried and ran closer to the sea. But she saw that he was in no danger. The waves showed him where the water's edge was.

  Back at the flat Jonathan showered, and then Joe called to take him to the hospital. It had been decided that the flat should be left to the two women in the afternoon. ‘We'd only be in the way,’ Jonathan had said.

  Tania had a lovely, self-indulgent afternoon. Eunice, Marianne's old friend and hairdresser, came round.

  After seeing to Marianne, she went to look at Tania's new dress. Then she took her long hair and dressed it in ringlets that would cascade down her back. It was a style Tania had seen and admired but had never dared to try herself. And when Eunice had finished, she suggested a new shade of lipstick for Tania, showed her how to accentuate her eyes to make them look more feline.

  ‘Marianne said you had a strong face,’ she said, ‘and you have. You can get away with effects that would just not suit a weaker woman.’

  When Eunice left Marianne said she would go to her room to sleep for a while as it was going to be a long night. Tania thought this a good idea; however, she couldn't sleep herself. She was excited, unsettled. But there was no way she could think about her problems. They seemed insoluble.