Reality Fix - Lucifer's Crown

by tantan

by climbing the hundred stone steps that would make any person with asthma wheeze from just looking at it.

  The temple was the pride and prestige of Utopia. Outside the temple was the main agora, its market always bustling with activity from 8 in the morning to 11 at night. The rest of the city was dotted by large estates, fountains and gardens all neatly bordered by large avenues with patterns set in the stone, making the entire city look like a vine clinging onto a tree from the air. The vine seemed to take root from the temple and meander into the estates. Several crude huts and small cottages were situated in the secluded outskirts of the city. The house Anne was in seemed to be the only villa in the city, albeit a small one. From the hilltop, Anne could finely observe the beauty of the city's architecture. She saw Mary, calmly sitting on the edge of a precipice, cross-legged and meditating.

  Anne walked over to her. "What in heavens is happening? I think its time you filled me in."

  "The answer is 'the cosmic balance'," Mary replied. "Everything that has life dies. The body joins the natural cycle and degenerates into its constituents that take part in a wondrous process of balance. The soul comes here to wait till whatever it is that happens when every living thing everywhere is dead. This is another form of balance. The soul can however be cut down into its constituents while its here. It comes in as a whole though. At least that's what Shorty said." She then sucked her thumb for a few seconds and continued. "But of course some people are born again. And I've heard that some people live forever. And of course you and I are here in the flesh. So there goes his theory of cosmic balance. I guess there'll always be some exceptions to everything. We must never work with absolutes. So, lets put in a 'most of the time' at the beginning of this theory and everything's all right". Mary had taken an interest in Mysticism since coming to the afterlife.

  "Who's Shorty?" asked Anne. "That tall, lean, old man with the beard and funny clothes?"

  "Yes," said Mary, "and don't call them funny. He's very touchy about his looks."

  "All right. If you aren't dead how did you get here?"

  "I don't really know. That's the question that's been bothering everyone in Utopia for the last week. They're trying to work it out at this big meeting they're having now. Demosthenes said that I might be some ploy the Persians are using in some ineffable way against Utopia. No one really believes that though. The Persians have never bothered anyone here since Utopia came into existence. Aristotle thinks I might have an excessive quantity of bile. All I know is that I was teaching my lamb to sit and not follow me around everywhere... And then 'bam' I'm here."

  "Then how did I get here? How did you bring me here?"

  "I wasn't sure if that would work actually. But it did." Mary smiled. "After staying in this world awhile you become aware of this energy. Every living thing has heaps of it. Non-living things too, but not as much. A few people here are able to manipulate this energy. I can too. I've been getting lessons from Merlin".

  "Merlin? The wizard?"

  Mary nodded. "He came here a little before I did. He said he'd gotten sick of Arthur's whining in Camelot. I think Arthur got sick of Merlin too, and went to Valhalla."

  "And, you used this energy on me to bring me here?"

  "Yes. I used up one of the candles in your strangely decorated room to do it. I did it well too, didn't I? I got you here in a flash. I got the whole of you here too, and appeared at exactly the right time. I don't think Ill be able to use my magic for a few days though. I feel drained out from the effort."

  "What about what you said to Lady St. Lanternberger, about Thomas her son?"

  "Merlin told me to say that. He arranged for the portal too. I wouldn't have been able to manage the entry portal alone, even though you helped summon me through."

  "How did I help you through?" asked Anne surprised.

  "You channelled a spirit. I took her place and Merlin helped get my whole body through the portal. I had to use my own magic as well. Are you hungry? You haven't eaten since yesterday."

  Anne's stomach growled, almost startling Mary off the precipice.

  "Now that you mention it I am," Anne laughed, trying to get over the embarrassment of her stomach's outburst.

  "Let's go to the marketplace." Mary took Anne by the hand and led her towards Utopia's centre, to the crowded marketplace.

  Lesson 1

  Hearthoff was trying to wake Thomas up. Peter had woken up as soon as Hearthoff had opened the door. His tolerance for alcohol almost bordered on the supernatural. The same couldn't be said for Thomas. "What are we going to do lad? He sleeps like one of the dead."

  "I know," said Peter and ran off, returning a few minutes later with some snow. He put this on Thomas' face and beneath his shirt on his chest. But to no avail. "I think he is dead. Maybe some people snore when they die."

  "No. You can't die here. Not in Valhalla. Not so soon after eating the meat". Hearthoff picked up Thomas like he was a feather, even though Thomas was about twice his size. He carried Thomas to the lake outside the palace and threw him in. "If he doesn't get up soon one of us is going to have to go save him," said Hearthoff, looking meaningfully at Peter.

  Thomas was dreaming of having a peaceful lunch with his family. All of a sudden, in the dream, a gigantic three headed dog burst into the house and dragged Thomas away to a river of molten lava. Thomas tried everything he could but he was burning up slowly.

  In Valhalla, Peter jumped in and dog paddled with Thomas on his back to the shore. Thomas kept making swimming motions and crying out in his sleep.

  "Lad" said Hearthoff to Peter. "Take a swing at him. Go all out until he wakes up."

  "Right," said Peter and slapped Thomas on both sides of his face until his cheeks were a blazing red. Thomas' dream world collapsed and he got up just as Peter gave him a particularly hard slap.

  "Ow," he said, "what you do that for?"

  "To wake you up". You slept walk to the lake, dived in and almost drowned. The young lad saved your life".

  "Thank you" said Thomas sulking. "You could stop slapping my face now".

  "Just trying to save your life, that's all" Peter grinned. "If you could just wake up like a normal person then you'd save us heaps of trouble".

  "Enough bickering" said Hearthoff. "Today we have a tight schedule. Thomas, get warm, change and join us in the hall."

  "Yes sir," replied Thomas, his teeth chattering in the cold. He hurried to his room, took a quick bath in a bathroom that would have been a wonder in the real world. Both, hot and cold water gushing out of the overhead shower! This was the future of plumbing, he thought, gazing in fascination at the shower head. When he was done he changed into the only clothes available: a set of Norse wools and furs, a horned helmet and Sasquatch boots. All the Einherjar, (the fallen warriors of Valhalla) dressed in only the best, and ate only the best. They drank magic goat urine that had changed to mead, the best tasting mead you could get anywhere, with a kick quite superior to any other type of alcohol.

  Thomas decided to wear the mail too, and carry the sword, just in case Peter tried any more stunts. He joined the others in front of the tree, called Glasir because of its red and gold foliage.

  "Good" said Hearthoff. "You're all dressed. You will now be learning combat training from me."

  "From you?" laughed Thomas. "Why, I bet you couldn't even hold up that hammer".

  "Lesson one," said Hearthoff. "Respect your teacher." He held up his hammer with ease and threw it at Thomas who didn't have time to dodge. It hit him with an impact that sounded like a thunderbolt and boomeranged back into Hearthoff's outstretched hand. Thomas was left a bloody mess with several parts of his anatomy looking unlike anything a doctor had ever seen, even in the worst battles. Yet, he still lived.

  "Give him some of the meat you stole from the table yesterday," he said to Peter.

  "All right! It was going to waste anyway," Peter sniffed.

  Thomas swallowed some of the meat with difficulty and all his injuries healed before he could say, '**
******* **** ******** *********'. Thomas' bones reset themselves into its normal positions with a 'crack'. The armour Thomas wore smoothened out slowly, the dents in it disappearing. The armour was magic, indestructible for the most part, though that didn't save Thomas from experiencing injuries, as he'd just realised. Thomas got up shakily from the ground.

  "Sorry," he said.

  "That was lesson 1 lads. No time for apologies. Now for lesson 2. Get into your armour," he said, turning to Peter.

  Lesson 2

  Peter took about half an hour to fit into his mail. He kept taking it off when he was halfway there because of an itch. Finally, he succeeded in putting on the full thing, itches and all, only because of the constant rebukes Thomas and Hearthoff were heaping on him.

  "Finally" sighed Hearthoff. "Now, run around the lake ten times."

  "But a single round looks to be a few kilometres," protested Peter.

  "AH," said Hearthoff, grinning madly. "Then maybe we should move on to lesson 3." He caressed his hammer's shaft. "Never argue with your teacher."

  "I think I liked lesson 2 better. Shouldn't rush these things," said Peter quickly.

  They jogged around the lake ten times. It was evening by the time they'd finished. Hearthoff meanwhile was flirting with one of the Valkyries who'd come out to watch them train, or so she said. And so the day ended and night began. Thomas and Peter were too tired to feast. They ate a sample portion of the meat and the mead and headed to their