Reality Fix - Lucifer's Crown

by tantan

to release the clutch properly.

  "He hasn't heard the last of this," Sif muttered angrily. Peter gave an apologetic shrug and took off, followed by Thomas.

  "That woman!" Hearthoff yelled once they were all airborne and flying in close formation. "Thinks she owns me! Can't do anything I want anymore, thanks to her. Save the universe. No! she says. You haven't washed the dishes yet. Ha! Well, now she knows who the man is. I showed her." Thomas and Peter just nodded, giving each other worried looks.

  They flew the rest of the way in this fashion, Hearthoff in a tireless tirade against his wife. Finally, night set in and Hearthoff lost his steam.

  "Time for dinner," he said. Hearthoff started throwing lightening above him until a duck fell onto his lap, nicely roasted. After dinner, they pressed a button on the chariots, which immediately turned into tents, the wings folding upwards. And so, they slept their first night in the Desert on the Yellow Brick Road.

  A Cussing Bird

  They woke up the next morning to the sound of abuse.

            --------------------------------------------------

  "Yo mama's so fat people run around her to get exercise. Wake up you ******* gits! Yo mama's so stupid you have to dig for her IQ. You're so lazy that... SQUAWK."

  Peter and Thomas ran outside to investigate. They found Hearthoff, face still red from anger clutching a black bird's neck in his fist.

  "What manner of creature are you?" he asked. "Demon? Shape shifter?"

  The bird freed its neck from Hearthoff's grasp. "I'm a mocking bird you ******* oaf. Now unhand me you piece of ****!"

  "Ask nicely," Hearthoff growled.

  "******* please. Ok? I haven't said please for a hundred years, so you'd better count yourself ******* lucky and lemme go."

  "I like him," said Peter. "Can I keep him?"

  "Only if you teach him how to shut up"

  "I can shut up. … See. I did right there," the bird said, trying to squirm its way out of Hearthoff's grasp.

  Hearthoff threw the bird at Peter, who caught him.

  "Why hello," the bird said. "Pleasure to meet you... stink face."

  "On second thought, I don't want him," Peter threw the bird to Hearthoff, who caught it in one hand and readied a lightening bolt in the other.

  "You can either fly away when I let you go, or you can fry. Got that?"

  "Got it," the bird whimpered. "Lemme go. Lemme go. Lemme go. I can't help doing what I do. It's a born instinct."

  "Let the bird go, Hearthoff. Umm... Sir. Please?" Thomas said, feeling sorry for the little mocking bird.

  "All right," he answered. Hearthoff let the bird go, who flew in the sky a few feet over Hearthoff , and proceeded to rain abuses on him, interjected with guano. Hearthoff bellowed in rage and shot thunder bolt after thunder bolt at the bird, who neatly dodged them each time.

  "Enough of this," said Hearthoff, panting from the effort he had wasted on trying to electrocute the agile bird. "Lets go."

  "Yeah. Pack up and go you lily livered idiots."

  And so they began their second day in the desert.

  Al-Out and Al-Imony

  Al-Out drew his sword, as six men circled him with drawn weapons. He waited patiently in the 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof' sword pose, waiting for his attackers to make the first move. One of his attackers saw an opening in Al-Out's relaxed pose and lunged forward. Al-Out knocked his attacker's sword out of his hands, following it with a somersault that landed him behind his attacker. His attacker, still surprised at having his sword knocked out of his hands, turned slowly around as Al-Out flung him into two others who had rushed forward to aid their comrade.

  The other three cautiously circled Al-Out waiting for an opening in his defence. They rushed forward just as he changed to the 'Over the hills and Far Away' pose, something that took the best swordsman decades to master(The 'To Grandmother's House We Go' pose took centuries). Al-Out neatly parried one blade as he dodged the other two, and knocked one of his attackers out with the hilt of his sword. The two remaining attackers retreated, and started circling Al-Out again, this time extra cautious. Al-Out changed to 'Praying Mantis Smells like Teen Spirit' and rushed them. He smashed one of the attacker's swords out of his hands and scissor elbowed the other, knocking him out.

  "Even six are no contest for you Al-Out. Next time you must try ten," said a bearded man, who had been watching the contest from the sidelines.

  "I think ten would help me raise a sweat Al-Imony. Ten it shall be then."

  "Not now Al-Out. Tomorrow perhaps. You are too eager to fight. Rest awhile. Exercise you're mind. There are many more things to learn in this world than just fighting.

  "Perhaps," replied Al-Out, with a dark unfocused look in his eyes.

  "I know you Al-Out. You think of vengeance every single moment. Let it go. You are comfortable here. Live in peace. "

  Al-Out looked at Al-Imony, with an intensity that frightened the old man. "I cannot." He walked away, and was soon a black spot against the dunes against the sunset.

  "Shall I bring him back Al-Imony?" asked one his bodyguards.

  "I know that boy," he replied with a sad look. "He will be back before dinner. His dreams of vengeance haunt him, but he still values that semblance of life we have in this God forsaken place. He will not kill himself needlessly.

  "Whatever you say Al-Imony." The bodyguard looked doubtfully at the black dot that was Al-Out. "I pity whoever has caused Al-Out this pain. When the time comes they shall pray for a quick death."

  The sun, a blood red, slowly disappeared as flatulent stars began to appear. The tribesmen returned to the caves, their only protection against the desert's bitter wind. Al-Out came back and joined them for dinner.

  "The time is coming when I shall have to leave you," he said to Al-Imony. "Soon. Very soon."

  "Remember. The tribe shall follow you if you but ask for it."

  Al-Out shook his head. "I will not lead my brothers to death."

  The wind changed direction, bringing with it the scent of blood from the slaughtered animals they had prepared for dinner. This scent would soon become common wherever Al-Out walked. He had not forgotten about Akio, his former self. He would never forget. His eyes burned with a cold intensity. "Sayonara," he said, facing east, "I am coming soon. Prepare yourself for death.

  The Serpent and the Stalker

  The Midgard Serpent sniffed the air fitfully and looked around wildly. Where is he? Where is he? The Midgard Serpent looked even more crazed than usual. He slaughtered a frost giant who was in his path, without even talking to him first. Something was badly worrying the Midgard Serpent.

  The Midgard Serpent flew up to the tallest mountaintop he could find, and sniffed the air. He the licked a finger to judge the wind's direction, and sniffed again.

  "So there you are," he said to himself, looking south east. His laughter sent shivers down the spine of the frost giant who was stalking him (an impressive achievement for a ten foot tall creature that weighs over a tonne), the frost giant who would soon be the Midgard Serpent's dinner.

  The Godly Accountant

  In the Cloud Palace, in the Azure vaults of Heaven--the Chinese one--the Jade Emperor sat ready to take audience with his subjects.

  "Supremely High Emperor of the Heavens, Container of Perfection and Embodiment of Tao," Guan Yu's hands itched to return to the battle. "Our forces are horribly outnumbered. We can hope to last another three days maybe, before the demons discover that our attacks are insubstantial against their flesh, and totally overrun us. We need help. We need Monkey and his four mortal heroes."

  "He is coming," the Jade Emperor sighed. 'This fracas is creating hell with the paperwork. Even Yama would be proud to introduce this new kind of torture in hell. Imagine it, thousands of helpless souls, lost in a sea of paperwork. But first, we must get rid of these irritating backlogs."

  "Um… Oh puissant ruler of Heaven and Earth, Supreme Keeper of Reality, Unblemished Holder of the Sceptre…"

&n
bsp; "Yes, yes, get on with it," the Jade Emperor said impatiently.

  "We need to send forces to aid Monkey in his journey here. Paperwork is not a priority here."

  "What? How dare you blaspheme in my Magnificent Presence? Paperwork… Not… Important? Paperwork is the only thing that is important!"

  "But… My lord, paperwork will no longer exist…we will no longer exist, if Monkey fails to come here in time."

  "No more paperwork. Records destroyed. Yes, I see what your point. Take the eight immortals and a battalion of my troops. Guan Yu, find Monkey and his heroes, and return immediately." The Jade Emperor turned to his lackey, "Scribe, prepare the order. "

  "How are things in Greece my lord?" Guan Yu asked. "Could we ask them to lend us a hand? It would be closer for them."

  "Greece is facing the same problems we are. Monkey will have to pay them a visit after he finishes here. There is no use asking them for help. They can't even get off Mount Olympus. That mountain though, will withstand siege for some time. Guan Yu prepare you're team."

  "Yes, most puissant majesty," he said retreating backward with his head still abased to the Jade Emperor.

  "You forgot to capitalize my title," the Jade Emperor growled.

  Ni Hao to the Eight Immortals

  "Penglai-Shan, home of the Eight Immortals," Guan Yu said to himself, landing on the dewy grass. "I wouldn't mind setting up here, away from that irritating git who calls himself Emperor." Guan-Yu wandered aimlessly through the island, looking for the Immortals. He drank from the fountain containing the Dew of Eternal Life and petted a snowy white deer. The smell of