“That’s ridiculous,” I snap, letting the leash on my anger slip.
Kara holds my gaze evenly. “I wasn’t exactly logical then, Jennings. Back then, I wasn’t bringing a single person into my son’s life who I didn’t trust wholeheartedly, who didn’t want to be there. Right or wrong, it was the decision I made and back then, the support I—we—needed was absolute. And I did keep trying, Jennings. Even after I made that decision.” Reaching into her jacket pocket, she pulls out a folded stack of papers. I’m startled by how thick it is. She pushes the papers toward me when I hesitate. “Go ahead. I tried for months to reach you before I ever gave birth.”
Taking them, I scan the first one. My heart cracks when I see the line asking me to call her as soon as possible about something important.
“How far along were you when you sent this?” I hold up the first letter.
“About fourteen weeks.” Her eyes gloss over with memories I’ll never have. “I sent that to you after I spoke with my parents to let them know.”
Anger bubbles up when another memory of our time together pops up in my brain. Kara Malone grew up pampered and wealthy, and resentment fills me. “Would using some of Mommy and Daddy’s money to hire a private investigator have been too much for your pride?” I lash back.
“Yes, since they disowned me for being pregnant. I didn’t have much starting out as they revoked my trust.” All the air stills between us. Kara immediately looks contrite. “I apologize, that’s not your burden to bear.”
A wave of nausea almost crushes me. “Christ, Kara. All this was happening while you carried our son?” My voice is faint.
She shrugs. “What is there to say, Jennings? I did the best I could. But I resigned myself to the fact I was going to raise Kevin by myself a long while ago. Certainly, I never expected Fate to bring my brother and Jed together. Yes, I raised our child alone, but I didn’t do it to be cruel.”
No. “You’re just a woman who survived.”
“After going through stages of grief, yes. Coming to acceptance was the hardest. And, I’ll be honest, I relived every one of those emotions every time Jed tried to convince me to let him contact you.”
“Why didn’t you?” This might be the hardest thing to accept.
“Because trust doesn’t come easily to me any longer.”
“I can appreciate that,” I murmur. “Would you be willing to tell me more?”
“About what?”
“Anything. Throw me a lifeline, Kara. What was your pregnancy like?”
“Well, once I was well enough to travel—”
I interrupt her. “There were problems?” I ask anxiously. It’s fifteen years too late, but there’s a crater in my chest that’s aching from where my heart’s been ripped out. I rub my hand across it. I never recognized what pain would be involved when it was torn away.
“Nothing more than the average mother deals with, Jennings. I had a god-awful time with morning sickness. But sick or not, I had to leave Alaska.” Her lips curve up slightly before they drop. “I was mortified for my fellow passengers.”
“It was a rough trip?”
“I got home.” She ducks the question. Her hand starts rubbing her wrist back and forth. It’s an endearingly nervous habit I suddenly remember Kara used to have because Jed would joke she’d rub the sapphires from her grandmother’s bracelet into her skin by doing it.
But she’s not wearing it now. “Where’s your grandmother’s bracelet?” I manage to get out around the lump in my throat.
Kara blinks at me in shock, before lowering her head to where she’s chafed her wrist rubbing her shirt back and forth. She pulls down her sleeve before she bites out, “My parents took it back.”
“What do you mean?” My voice is so low that if a hard wind were to come off the water, the question would be lost.
“The day I went to tell them I was pregnant,” she admits.
It might be sacrilegious, but I’m shouting, “Goddamnit!” Turning, I pace a few feet away from Jed’s fresh gravesite. Linking my hands behind my head, crushing the papers, I swear ripely.
After a few moments, I turn to find Kara looking down at Jed’s grave with such despair, it slashes into my chest. She brushes the tips of her fingers under her eyes, not even hiding her love for the men buried there. Even though I didn’t know her brother, and I feel like my head is spinning from the ways I didn’t know my friend, I need to say something to ease her pain.
“I’m sorry for your loss,” I choke out hoarsely. Her head swivels my way. “From everything you’ve said and Jed said, your brother sounds like he was a remarkable man.”
“They were both such a part of our every day, I don’t know what that looks like anymore for either me or Kevin.” Kara hesitates before admitting, “Making friends was never easy for me growing up; that was Dean’s gift. He was the bolder of the two of us, more outgoing.” She shakes her head.
“I honestly don’t remember that about you.” Though admittedly, I think to myself, until the night I found the photo, I hadn’t thought about Kara in forever. Now, standing with her facing me, my mind is zinging memories at me all at once.
“I can assure you, if it hadn’t been for Dean’s influence in my life, I never would have had the courage to have spoken with you that night at the Smiths’.”
Before I can respond, she continues giving me a gift I dare not hope for—information about my son. “I find Kevin’s the same way. If he had a choice, he’d lose himself in a book or playing some online computer game. Jed got him to try more physical sports like swimming and soccer.” My chest aches as a soft smile crosses her face. The love for our child is evident by the way her posture relaxes and the softening of her tone as she speaks of him. In my mind, I pull up the image of her beaming in the photo Jed left me. Oh, crap. I wonder if she knows about them.
“Jed’s letter included some pictures of him. He seems like a happy boy, Kara.” Her head whips around toward me. “From what it looks like, you’ve done an amazing job raising him.”
“He mentioned he was going to include a few, but I appreciate your candor.” I nod as she continues. “And I appreciate your compliment, but I didn’t do it alone. It really does take a village to raise a child,” she admits wryly. She kicks at the grass in front of her again.
My heart is pounding in my chest when I stumble asking, “Are…are you both staying with Maris for the summer?”
Kara nods. “Why?” she asks, her movement stilling.
“If it’s okay with you…if I can arrange…damnit, Kara. I know I don’t deserve to ask for this.” As much as I want it already even after knowing for only a few hours.
Panic flashes across her face. I want to reach out and touch her to ease the fears, but I think my touch would be less welcome than my request. “You want to spend time with Kevin.” Her voice is devoid of all emotion.
“With your assistance. I understand this is a tough time, and I don’t want to do anything to make it more difficult,” I reassure her gently. “Kara, I know at this late in the game, I could put up a fuss. I could come in hot and do something stupid like talk to lawyers to see what legal course of action I have, but the reality is, Kevin is old enough to state his wishes. And these—” I shake the papers in my hand. “—are an obvious attempt by you to do what is right. Whatever high ground I had is gone. Please, I’m trying.”
“It may not seem like it, but I appreciate that.” Her body’s still tense.
“Will you let me get to know our son?” I rumble in the misty morning air. Now, I take the chance and reach out to touch her arm to give it a quick squeeze. “Please,” I plead.
She’s stock-still for a moment before she steps back, breaking the connection between us. “Now that Jed and Dean are…gone, Kevin is trying to become the man of our house.” I don’t miss how she stumbles over the words. It reminds me I don’t know how Jed and Dean died. And Maris never offered up the information. But that’s not for now.
Kara’s focu
s is on the freshly turned ground where the ashes of her brother and our friend are buried. “I need to prepare him first.”
Excuse me? I don’t realize I’ve spoken aloud until her head snaps around so fast the short strands of her hair smack her in the face. I stumble when I try to follow up my incredulousness. “He doesn’t know about his father?”
“He knows plenty about the man who donated half of his cells. In fact we’ve had several discussions about genetic recessive traits since his eye color is yours,” Kara haughtily informs me. Damn, now is absolutely the wrong time to remember how hot I found Kara when she got arrogant about her scientific knowledge. “What we haven’t had a conversation about is the man who donated those genes would be in Alaska at the funeral of his beloved uncle Jed. He’s suffered enough blows recently. And as you’ve already said, I’m the only parent he knows. So, I’ll find the right time to talk to him about it.”
I’m about to argue with her when she holds up her hand. “Enough, Jennings. I’ll talk to Kevin and call you.” She turns and walks away from Jed’s gravesite without saying goodbye. Or letting me give her my new number. Damnit, how is all of this going to work out?
Left behind, I stare at a woman I was once intimate with. Memories bombard me as her long legs eat up the distance on the grassy knoll until she’s out of sight.
But one thing burns at me.
I turn back to Jed’s grave and ask the only man who could have answered the question but who can’t give me the answer. “What the hell do I do now?”
Like I expected, there’s no answer in the cool morning air. With a sigh, I turn and head back to the B&B to get a hold of Lou so I can start to strategize how I can manage to stay in Alaska for a prolonged visit.
Because there’s no way I’m missing the opportunity to get to know my son.
Kara
That didn’t go as poorly as could be expected.
I pass the turnoff that would take me back to Maris’s house and head straight on Mendenhall Loop Road. I had always intended on bringing Kevin with me when I came back here for the first time, but maybe it was meant to be like this.
Taking a chance, I drive up to see if there is parking in one of the two tiny parking lots. Someone is feeling benevolent as I turn down an aisle just as a family of four makes it to their vehicle. My heart pounds in anticipation. Soon, I tell myself. I’ll have a moment of freedom I haven’t in so long.
Shoving my wallet into the pocket of my jacket, I sprint to the Visitor Center. After impatiently waiting for them to process a season pass, I race back down the ramp toward the signs that will lead me to the Nugget Falls Trail.
I don’t look up. I can’t. I need to get to the spot, my spot, before I do.
Luckily the trails aren’t busy midweek. The air by the glacier bites at me as I’m not dressed for the cooler temperatures as I approach her majestic beauty. Finally I stop, knowing in my head what I should see when I glance up. But the knot that’s been in my stomach since last night expands as I’m unable to comprehend the difference between the glacier’s magnificence since I last saw her sixteen years ago and now. “What’s happened to you?” I whisper aloud. But for all intents and purposes, the question I just asked is one the snow and ice should have been shouting back at me after what happened to Dean and Jed.
Sinking down into a crouch, I wrap my arms around my legs and let loose the tears I held back. Remembering the call I had to make to Maris to let her know about the death of our brothers. Hearing in my head her screams which echoed the sentiments of my heart. The nights I’d rock Kevin against me as he’d sob his pain out.
And I’d be lying if I didn’t cry a little because the last time I was crouched in this very spot, I was holding the early pregnancy test I sealed carefully in a ziplock. I’d just given up my dream of being a scientist who cared for this glacier.
Now, as I press my hand to my flat stomach that nurtured and held Kevin for almost ten months, I know I was destined for a new path.
Pushing to my feet, I ignore the chill permeating my skin, take the trail back, and head toward the water’s edge. My eyes crinkle a bit when I see the interns are still putting out pieces of 200-year-old glacier ice strategically around the water’s edge for the visitors to touch. Slowly, I make my way around to the farthest edge and take in the glory of the Tongass National Forest as it begins its short summer season.
“I needed to be here to resolve all of these feelings still bottled inside of me. I didn’t realize how much seeing Jennings again would affect me,” I murmur aloud. Looking skyward, I whisper, “I can’t say I welcome him in my life, Jed, but thank you for ensuring Kevin has the chance to know his father.”
As if he can hear me, a burst of sunlight breaks through a cloud and illuminates the lake. A second ray joins it. My heart gives a joyous leap. A hiccupping laugh escapes before a cluster of altocumulus clouds comes by and breaks up both rays like a prism.
I will always love and miss both of you. I will never let Kevin go a single day without remembering you, I vow to my brother and his husband silently. Staining the muscles of an already aching heart, I whisper, “I promise.”
Hearing the rhythmic waves of the glacier water, I squat down and reach out to put my hand into the heart of the frigidity, realizing this is all that’s left over from the cause and effect of others. I shudder inside when I whisper, “Kind of like what’s left of me,” I whisper, pushing myself up.
Slowly, I walk back to the parking lot knowing by the time I get back to Maris’s, she’ll be frantic wondering what happened during my meeting with Jennings. And then I have to figure out the best way to talk with my son without causing any more damage to an already devastated heart.
“Seriously?” Maris yells as she slams the kitchen cabinet, turning to face me with a stack of bowls in her hands. She’s in the process of preparing a hearty lunch of stew and freshly baked biscuits which I’m just in time for since I called to let her know I would be home on my way back from Mendenhall.
“I’ll ask you to keep your voice down. I prefer to have a discussion with Kevin, not have him find out by overhearing us.” My voice is low but firm. I may not be the most outgoing woman, but prod me even just a little about my son and I’ll turn as ferocious as a Kodiak bear seeking food after hibernation.
Maris sets the bowls down carefully. “I’ll apologize, but really? Jed’s barely in the ground and Jennings wants to become Mr. Dad? Now?” Her voice ends on a crack.
I glare at her even as I shift to comfort her. Before I can do either, she holds up her hands in surrender. “Sorry, sorry. But is this something you want to do?”
Leaning forward on the polished wood waterfall counter, I brace my elbows on it as my forehead falls into my hands. “Not particularly, no. But I don’t think I have much choice.” Softly, I finish giving Maris a quick recap of my conversation with Jennings at Jed’s gravesite. I don’t blame her for her outburst when Jennings using the term “legal course of action.” It was what I felt like doing at the time as well.
“I’ll never understand why Jed thought this was a good idea. You’re all Kevin needs,” she vows loyally.
My simmering anger reduces and immediately smooths out. “It’s what Jed wanted,” I remind her.
“And he’s gone. Jed shouldn’t get to dictate how you and your son live your life. You’ve done damn well without Jennings in it.” Maris spins around to grab the stew off the stove.
“Jed believed his knowing would make a difference to all of us,” I remind her. And why I’m defending her brother’s arguments used on me, I have no idea.
“Jed’s been wrong before,” she snaps. My heart grows heavy, because I know what she’s referring to. Unfortunately, Nick has never seen her as more than “Jed’s little sister.” And Maris has paid the price for that for years by loving a man who has never seen her and having a ringside seat as he roams the world with a new woman.
But— “Is it Jennings you have the issue with, Maris, or is it
me?” I ask quietly.
That brings her up short, still holding the soup pot. “What do you mean?” she asks carefully.
“This anger is something completely different. I never noticed it before during our calls. What is it?”
She hesitates a moment too long before opening her mouth.
I slam my hand down on the sleek wood, causing a pain that has nothing to do with the one beginning to burn in my heart to shoot up my arm. “Tell me,” I demand.
“Maybe if you weren’t so stubborn, Jed wouldn’t have felt the need to be tied to you, to Florida. I know he missed home. He told me so when we talked. If it weren’t for you, maybe my brother would still be alive! Why wouldn’t you listen? Now, he’s dead and you’re here.”
“And if you believed that, why didn’t you open your damn mouth? You knew twelve years before your brother did. Why am I just being persecuted for decisions you supposedly supported me about?” Cocking a hip, I mimic her huskier voice. “‘I’m so proud of you, Kara, for doing this on your own.’ You kept the secret from Jed, from the Jacks, just as long as I did. So why is it I’m the one who’s taking the blame because life took something precious from both of us?”
“Because you should have been willing to accept help!” she shouts.
“Okay, so let’s turn the tables. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel about Jed leaving the cross to Nick?”
Maris clamps her lips shut, but her eyes speak volumes.
I point a shaky finger in her direction. “Do not stand there and judge me for the decisions I made. You weren’t there. I made the best choices I could to provide stability for my son. Jed may not have liked my decision, you may have lied to me about your opinions on them, but none of you lived day in and day out with a child. I did. And as a mother…”
“Once Jed first offered, Kara, once you knew exactly how to get a hold of Jennings, you should have just…”
“Stop,” I lash out. Maris could have slapped me; it would have been less painful. “You said you agreed with my choices.”
Return by Air (Glacier Adventure Series Book 1) Page 7