Journey to the Unknown

by Jacqueline Francis

“Can we talk about what just happened?” she asked.

  Her lips were still swollen, her face still flushed, and there were tiny red blotches down her neck. She had his markings on every part of her that was still exposed and he couldn’t look at her. “No.”

  “We were moving too fast, that’s all and—”

  “I know,” he said, still awkwardly avoiding eye contact. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “I didn’t want you to stop…I just wanted to slow down a bit. I mean, we could still—”

  “Jasmin, whatever you’re about to say, don’t say it.”

  She let out a humph of frustration. “Can we stop this? Can we stop brushing these things aside and pretending like they didn’t happen? It happened.”

  “I know! You…you caught me at a vulnerable moment. I wasn’t thinking straight, but…I shouldn’t have reacted, okay? Please, let’s just drop this.”

  Bob: He’s really trying to let her down easy.

  “Okay. Do you wanna tell me what got you so upset, what…made you feel vulnerable?”

  He gritted his teeth. “No, Jasmin.”

  “God, it must be so exhausting!” she shouted, growing more agitated. “To keep your guard up like that all the time. You don’t have to do that with me, Kevin. I’m…I’m not gonna hurt you.”

  Dan: Ain’t she cute, Bob? She thinks he’s doing this to protect himself.

  She was right. It was exhausting to keep pushing her away, but it needed to be done.

  “Whatever happened tonight was a mistake,” he said. “I took advantage of the situation—”

  “You didn’t take advantage of me,” she countered immediately.

  She moved across the bed on her knees and placed both hands on his bare chest. He tensed. This was dangerous territory they were entering and he was on the verge of giving in.

  Dan: Should we just give our viewers a quick recap of every reason why he should be backing off right now?

  Bob: Great idea, Dan. So for starters, she comes with a lot of baggage and he doesn’t have what it takes to deal with that with the care and delicateness it deserves. She’s a genius who’s got her whole life planned out and he’s a bum going nowhere who has absolutely nothing to offer. Emotionally, he’s not ready for any kind of relationship, so he’s completely lacking in that department as well. He’s also the biggest dick in the world and she would be better off with…well, anyone else. This road trip is still going to last about another week and in that time, he could totally ruin her. Oh! And her dad’s a billionaire. Did I miss anything?

  Dan: Nope. Think that about “sums” (air quotes) it up. Get it?

  Bob: It’s still not funny.

  “You didn’t take advantage,” she said again. “It’s not like I didn’t want it too. I may be inexperienced but I’m not as naïve as you may think. I don’t expect anything beyond this road trip, if that’s what you’re thinking, but that doesn’t mean that while we’re on it we can’t experience things together…and have fun. You don’t have to keep shutting me out. I’m not looking to get more out of this because, believe it or not, I am mature enough to understand that this is going to come to an end. In the meantime, though, we could…we could have like…those…friends with benefits sort of thing. I know it won’t be anything…meaningful or serious.”

  Dan: Triggered.

  “We’re not friends,” he said tersely, pulling her hands off his chest. He waited for it, that small brain-drain twitch. Faint, but it was there. “And I’m not your personal sex toy to use for fun.”

  Her eyes widened in confusion. “What are you talking about? That’s not what I meant.”

  “No? Isn’t that the experience you want? You want adventure, tick off your objectives, have some sex. That’s what you want, right? Nothing meaningful. Just a bunch of one-night stands between here and Georgia. It’s like jogging to you. I could be anyone.”

  Bob: Great strategy right there. Manipulate the situation and turn it on her.

  Dan: Pay attention, Bob! For once he’s not wrong. He genuinely likes her and all she wants is a quick roll in the sack.

  “Stop twisting this,” she snapped and she sounded desperate to get through to him. “You told me you don’t want a relationship…or complications and I respect that, but what’s wrong with us having a little fun, you know…fool around a bit.”

  “Fool around?” He sneered, clenching and unclenching his hands. “You wanna fool around? Tell me how you see that playing out? You wanna experiment with me for a few days, learn a few tricks, wait until you’re comfortable and then go out and fuck someone else? Does that sound like fun to you, Jazz? ’Cause it sure as fuck doesn’t sound like fun to me. Just the thought of another guy—”

  Dan: Whoa! Did you catch that, folks? He almost let it slip. A few more words and she would know how much he cares about her.

  Bob: And we wouldn’t want that, now would we? Telling her how he really feels would be way too mature.

  “Kevin, what is wrong with you? When I say fun, I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about you letting your guard down and allowing yourself to actually enjoy this trip. It’s like you’re purposely trying to be miserable all the time…but it doesn’t have to be that way. I want you to at least be willing to explore with me. Everything.”

  Bob: I don’t think she realizes that that’s actually harder for him to do. And why is she still wasting her time on him? She really doesn’t know what’s good for her.

  Dan: (Rolls eyes) Oh, all this back and forth and back and forth. I’m getting a headache. It’s time to end this.

  Kevin took a few steps back, letting that distance be a symbol. “What happened tonight was a mistake. You caught me at the wrong time and I shouldn’t have done that. It won’t happen again.”

  Dan: Walls going up.

  “The fact that I indulged you in a pity make-out session before doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you.”

  Dan: Gates locked and secured.

  “I only fuck real women. Not little girls who are just pretending.”

  Dan: (Grins) She’s out, Bob.

  One brain-drain twitch. One heavy sigh. “Okay, Kevin.” And then the inevitable perky smile. “Okay.”

  She got off his bed, switched off the bedside lamp and returned to her own bed. Kevin got back into bed too even though he knew he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. His mind was reeling. His chest was so heavy it was impossible to breathe. He wanted to take it back, tell her he didn’t mean it, but she needed to stay away from him. He was poison.

  He shut his eyes, but couldn’t shut off the voices, couldn’t stop them from reminding about every shitty thing he had done tonight.

  Bob: What a brilliant finish (gives a slow clap). Absolutely brilliant. That just took him straight to the semi-finals.

  Dan: It’s the comeback we’ve been waiting for. Did you see her face when he said he only fucks real women? She tried to keep it together, but she was so hurt, Bob. Our boy did that (smiles proudly). Minimum effort with maximum results. That look is the highlight of the competition so far. I think we should just replay it over and over and over and over again.

  Bob: You know what I loved the most?

  Dan: Tell me, Bob.

  Bob: I love how—with just a few comments—he managed to destroy everything they built over the last two weeks. I mean, like a fucking earthquake, he just demolished it until there was nothing left. That takes skill, Dan. All those jokes, the playful banter, absolutely every perfect moment they shared—it’s all gone. Nothing but rubble now. And it’s killing him. We gotta give this kid credit, though. No matter how much hurt and guilt he’s lugging around with him, he’s never afraid to take on more.

  November, 21

  Albuquerque, New Mexico

  Jasmin was glad that the drive to Albuquerque was only two hours long. His presence was causing her composure to waver. Breakfast was quiet. The car ride was quiet. So much was carried in the silence. The silence was a sign that th
ings had changed, that they wouldn’t be the same again. She just needed time to process everything he’d said. She was more hurt than she was angry, but she’d get over it, treat it like every other unwanted emotion. It shouldn’t be too hard. She’d known all along that her feelings for him were one-sided and she was no stranger to rejection. A couple hours away from him and she’d be just fine.

  She booked them into the South Star Hotel. It was smaller than the others they’d stayed at, but it had the indoor swimming pool she’d promised him. After dropping their bags in the room, he went straight down to the pool and she left to tour the town. She wasn’t in the mood for real sightseeing or visiting attractions, so instead she walked through the streets, did the shopping she was supposed to do, got lost in a little bookstore, and then had lunch on her own.

  Maybe processing what he’d said wasn’t as easy as she’d thought. If she had been blessed with the gift of logic only, it would have been easy. Logic told her that he was a jerk and she shouldn’t take anything he said to head. But unfortunately human beings were cursed with feelings, and once feelings were involved, logic took a backseat.

  She really liked him and he was right. It caused unnecessary complications. Those feelings had made her see things that weren’t there. When they watched movies for two solid days, she thought there was some kind of connection. He was just bored. When they held hands at the Grand Canyon, she thought they were starting to build a friendship. He was just having a bad day. When he kissed her, she thought it was one of the most special moments in her life. He only did it out of pity. And last night, what she saw as a breakthrough, a sign of them being something more, he saw as a mistake. How could he kiss her like that—with so much ardency, and then call it a mistake?

  Stupid, stupid girl! She’d misread everything. He kept trying to tell her. He tried to make her see that there was nothing there.

  “You’re so annoying.”

  “We’re not friends.”

  “The concept of we doesn’t exist…There’s no together.”

  He told her things like that constantly and she refused to listen. She kept pushing, almost forcing him to like her back. Maybe it was the loneliness, but she wasn’t so desperate to escape it that she’d keep on beating a dead horse. He didn’t want her. He made that very clear. He could’ve said it differently (sugarcoat it a little), but the result would still be the same. At least she could always count on Kevin for a harsh dose of reality. It was time to take a hint and stop trying.

  A part of her wanted to tell him to leave, but what could she say: Well, you didn’t want to have sex with me so I’m gonna leave you stranded and you can find your own way to Georgia. That was so petty. She’d offered to drive him there knowing he didn’t like her. How could she withdraw the offer now when nothing had changed? The other part of her hadn’t asked him to leave, because…well, the other part was just plain stupid.

  Just grin and bear it, she told herself. They would get to Georgia in a few days and until then she would still be civil, but there was no reason to still be naïve.

  She walked around aimlessly and when she couldn’t take the boredom anymore, she hopped into her car and took a long drive to the outskirts of the city. She drove up a winding road until she reached a dead end at the peak of a hilltop. A nice, quiet spot to spend the evening. After parking her car on the gravel beside a tree, she got out and climbed onto the hood, resting her back against the windshield. Only the sounds of nature surrounded her as she watched the sun set, birds chirping and crickets humming. She could see the Sandia Mountains far off in the distance. She’d learned that it was Spanish for watermelon because of the pink hues it emanated at sunset. She strained her eyes to see the colors, but she was too preoccupied with the heaviness in her chest to concentrate on it for more than a few seconds at a time.

  As it became darker, the city began to light up. Were it not for one building that was completely lit up in green, it would have looked like fireflies against the blackness instead of an actual skyline. She zipped up her jacket, inhaling tranquility and exhaling every hurtful word he’d said to her. She just needed to let it go.

  It was past eleven when she got back to the hotel. The room she’d chosen had two separate bedrooms partitioned with a wooden sliding door because she was really making an active effort to stay away from him like he wanted. So the last thing she expected to see was Kevin sitting on her bed, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his thighs. He was definitely grumpy. Nothing new.

  “Do you mind?” she said, shrugging off her thick jacket. “This is my side.”

  “Where were you?”

  She thought she’d seen him angry before, but that was mild compared to this. She didn’t want to get sucked into another argument, so she chose not to respond at all.

  “I called you eight times.”

  “I left my phone in the car.”

  His jaw tightened. “So you’ve been walking around alone? At this time of night?”

  She didn’t bother correcting him and chose not to respond again. It only pissed him off more. Scorpio: a water sign. And Kevin was very much like water. H2O on its own was pretty harmless, but it didn’t take much to aggravate it and make it react. It could be the simplest thing. Like if a chunk of any alkali metal was dropped into water, it literally ignited and, depending on the metal, it could even cause an explosion.

  On the periodic table of elements, the further down one moved along column one, the more catastrophic the reaction became. Lithium and Sodium didn’t do much damage; it caused a little smoke, a little heat. That basically represented their normal arguments on a day-to-day basis. At that gas station in Utah, where they’d had their first real fight, she was Potassium, maybe even bordering on Rubidium. A quick outburst but still controllable. Last night was more volatile—like water mixing with Caesium, which was powerful enough to break something. But right now, she was Francium. Instant detonation.

  His fierce blue eyes remained pinned on her. “So you dump me at this hotel—your father’s hotel—and then you fuck off until eleven o’ clock. You don’t answer your phone. You don’t tell me what time you’re gonna be back. Not even so much as a text to let me know you’re okay. Anything could’ve happened to you!”

  It was things like this that made her misread his behavior. He actually sounded like he cared. “What’re we, friends now?” she asked with a bitter smirk. “We check in on each other. We call. We send texts.” She tapped her forehead as if she were the biggest idiot. “Oh, I forgot. The concept of we doesn’t exist.”

  He immediately stood up and his elevated breathing told her he was raging now. “Don’t pull that shit on me, Jasmin. It’s common courtesy.”

  She coughed out a laugh at the utter ridiculousness. “Let’s just take a second and break that down. It’s common courtesy. The statement as a whole implies an expectation and you should expect nothing from me. Now if we move on to the word common, that means it’s a standard, it’s normal…and we both know that I’m not normal. If I were, I would be like other girls, falling into the category of the real women you fuck.” She was more angry than she was hurt now. Or maybe she was so angry because she was so hurt. Screw human emotion. “And lastly, let’s deal with the word courtesy.” She stared at him for a moment and his eyes and body language seemed to be a mirror image of hers. Tense and edgy. “Courtesy implies some type of social etiquette and once again, you shouldn’t expect that from me. I’m socially inept, remember?” With their eyes still locked, she gave him another smile and exhaled dramatically. “Whoo! Well, I’m glad I got that off my chest, Kevin. I feel so much better now. I don’t know if I can say the same for you, but in all honesty, if you don’t like it, there’s the door. I may just be a little girl, but I assure you I am well accustomed to people not caring about me. And even more so, I’m used to them leaving me behind.”

  He closed the gap between them and as he got closer, her breath caught. After a long, silent stare down, he lifted his hand to
her face, gently tracing his thumb over her cheek. That small acknowledgement of pain. It was his fault and he seemed to acknowledge that as well. It took everything in her to keep the tears at bay. No matter what mask she put on, what mood she chose to fake, he saw through it every single time. What made it worse was that she saw a glimmer of the Kevin she liked, the one hidden behind the thick layer of asshole. But he was a liar and she wouldn’t misread the signs again.

  “I’m not leaving you,” he whispered.

  It was the only thing he said before he turned and walked out of her room.

  November, 22

  Amarillo, Texas

  It was pretty much the same as the day before. She sat at a different table and ate breakfast alone. There was no point in forcing her company. She gave him the choice to leave and he hadn’t. But like everything else he did, it didn’t mean anything. She wasn’t going to analyze that decision. In all likelihood, she’d come to the wrong conclusion.

  They drove for four hours to Amarillo and after a lonely lunch, they checked into an inn. She toured the town by foot, not going too far, though. To avoid another argument, she returned to the inn at a decent hour and had a forty-five minute catch-up with her cousins. She only talked about the details of the trip and didn’t bring up Kevin once. Today was the last day of wallowing in self-pity. She was done with that shit. Tomorrow she was going to go out there and have some fun.

  November, 23

  Amarillo, Texas

  Jasmin maintained a brisk pace as she walked towards the restaurant, trying to stay a few feet in front of Kevin. She hadn’t wanted him to tag along, but she couldn’t really stop him from eating. The restaurant was within walking distance from the inn they were staying at, so as soon as she was done with lunch, she was going to tour the town by herself again. It was a little foggy today, but it seemed to be clearing.

  The Little Texan was a quaint place, but had so much character. Very ranch style in its appearance. Long wooden tables with three-seater benches on each side. The benches were covered in white leather with big, brown blotches that resembled cow-hide. There were even lassos and bull horns attached to the walls.