Journey to the Unknown

by Jacqueline Francis

  That statement instantly had his blood boiling. “Oh, so this is some sort of payback?”

  “No. I don’t care about what happened between the two of you. I’m just pointing out that a one-night stand wouldn’t make me desperate. If you can do it, so can I. Like you said, if I wanna go butt-wild and experiment, I should.”

  He knew that conversation would come back to bite him and the fact that she kept her tone polite was grinding his nerves raw. He just wished that she would react like a normal person. Shout, get mad, do anything that would make him feel like he wasn’t the only one going insane over this shit. But she made it seem like she felt nothing when he was losing his fucking mind.

  Bob: Moving swiftly along to option four: raging asshole.

  “So is that why you threw yourself at me?” He shifted off the bed and stood up. “To experiment? A few nights ago you were so ready to spread your legs for me and invite me in, and because I said no, you’re just gonna go out and fuck someone else, offer the invitation to anyone who will accept it.”

  Bob: Oh, snap! To make a virgin feel so cheap? That must’ve hurt. Ten points! He’s on a roll tonight. I’ve lost count of how many nails she has in her log. He’s just hammering in hole after hole.

  Dan: That one got her good, Bob. A few more low blows like that and the Asshole of the Year Award is in the bag.

  Another brain-drain twitch, but she didn’t dignify that with a response. Instead, she turned her back to him and began chucking her makeup back into her purse.

  “Is that all I am to you?” he asked, moving to stand behind her. “A walking cock to fulfill number three on your list?”

  She immediately spun around to face him and he finally got the reaction he was waiting for. “Fuck you, Kevin! You don’t get to toss me aside like I mean nothing to you and then you still want to be special to me. Fuck. You! As you pointed out before, you could be anyone. So to answer your question, you mean nothing to me…and that’s what you wanted.”

  Dan: Ohhhh! And a ruthless recovery by Jasmin. That one stung him to his core. You gotta love this girl.

  Bob: He’s running out of options, Dan.

  Dan: He’s still got a few more. Let’s see how option five pans out: flat-out desperation.

  She pulled on a thick jacket and her scarf and started heading for the door, but he cut in front of her. “What are you trying to do, Jazz? Are you…are you trying to make me jealous?”

  “J-jealous?” Her eyebrows creased as if it was the most absurd thing she’d ever heard. “Are you even listening to yourself? How could I possibly make you jealous? You don’t even want me. That’s what you said, right? You want a real woman, not a little girl.”

  Bob: Ooh! Another brain-drain twitch.

  Dan: Wait for it…Wait…for…it…Perky smile.

  “Well, good chat, Kevin. See you in the morning.” She nudged past him and walked straight out the door.

  Watching the door slam shut in front of him sent an unsettling ripple right through him. He’d pushed and pushed, making the distance between them grow bigger each time, and now she was completely out of his reach.

  Bob: He never did use option six.

  Dan: What was that again?

  Bob: Begging. And he wanted to. He wanted to beg her to stay with every fiber of his being.

  Dan: But he didn’t, Bob, because this asshole has too much pride for his own fucking good.

  * * * * *

  Jasmin walked out and slammed the door shut behind her. Fucking hypocritical asshole! The nerve, the sheer audacity of him. She didn’t even like Brad. She had no intention of sleeping with anyone, so the whole fight was unnecessary. But the fact that he thought he could tell her what to do made her retaliate. How dare he dictate to her when he’d done the same thing? Who the hell did he think he was? After the way he treated her, he had no right to expect or demand anything from her.

  He’d changed over the last few days, become an entirely different person. Something snapped inside him a few nights ago. Something was bugging him, hurting him, and she wanted to be empathetic, but how could she when he was such an asshole!

  She was in no mood for a party now, but a part of her wanted to do exactly what he’d said. Go out and have a one-night stand just to spite him.

  She saw Brad’s car pull into the open parking lot and forced a smile as she got in. “Hi.”

  “Hi. You look…incredible,” he said with a shy grin.

  “Thanks.”

  She didn’t speak at all on the way there, but as they went up the long driveway to Tony’s parents’ house, she decided to stop being a sourpuss and enjoy herself. It was a massive house and there were people everywhere. Some chugging beer, others running around with their shirts off. She was greeted by an overzealous Tony the second she entered the large living room. He threw his arm over her shoulder, pulled her away from Brad and into the kitchen. “Glad you could make it, dream girl,” he said, shoving an ice cold beer into her hand.

  “Oh, so I’m your dream girl again?” she teased, twisting off the cap. “What happened to the brunette at the rodeo?”

  He sighed dramatically. “Look, I’m gonna be frank with you. I’ve already been in a commercial and you don’t even have an album out yet, so until you reach the same level of fame, I have to keep my options open.”

  She laughed. “I can respect that.”

  “Okay,” he said, and quite expectedly slapped a kiss on her temple. “Drink, be merry. I’m hitting the dance floor.”

  “He’s so strange,” Jasmin commented as she turned around to face Brad.

  Brad chuckled. “I think you’re the only person who doesn’t take offense to him. You seem to just get him.” He leaned back against the counter. “So are you enjoying it here, or do you miss home?”

  “There’s not really much to miss. I miss my cousins and as I told you before, I miss the weather…and, of course, the food, especially bunny chow. It was my favorite…I prefer to skin them myself, though, and the meat from the babies are so tender.”

  His eyes widened with shock. “You kill and eat…baby bunnies?”

  She giggled. He really didn’t get her sense of humor. “I’m kidding, Brad. Bunny chow is a truly Indian South African treat. It’s a quarter loaf of unsliced bread and you hollow out the middle so that it’s like a bowl made of bread, and you stuff it with curry, or whatever you want really, and then you shove that piece back on top. It’s quite a meal.”

  He gave a sheepish smile. “You keep catching me with these weird jokes of yours. I don’t think I like them very much…but…” He was shy again. “I like you. It’s weird that you’re leaving tomorrow. I feel like I want to get to know you better…and now I won’t get a chance.”

  It was strange to hear him say that so openly. So not all boys were like Kevin. Some were really sweet, yet still Brad held no appeal for her. What was wrong with her? She must have acquired a taste for assholes. It was a little awkward, because she didn’t feel the same and couldn’t think of anything to say in response to that.

  She nodded towards the living room. “Do you wanna dance?”

  “Sure,” he said, following her out of the kitchen.

  She found Megan and April dancing on the coffee table in the living room. They were already wasted. Jasmin had another beer and Brad made strawberry daiquiris for everyone. Megan gulped hers down in a few seconds, but Jasmin could only stomach half. She didn’t like the taste. Though, despite the alcohol, she still found it impossible to loosen up. She danced and talked and socialized with the new people she’d met, but the argument from earlier had her wound up pretty tight. So much for having fun.

  She thought about asking Brad to take her back to the motel a few times, yet she couldn’t find the will to say the words. Back at the motel was a man who didn’t want anything to do with her and here there were people who actually seemed to enjoy her company.

  April hopped off the table and came to stand beside her. “Are you okay?” she asked. “S
eems like your mood has dipped since the rodeo.”

  “I could be better.”

  “Guy trouble.” She stated it like she knew it for a fact. “I know how you feel. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago and I feel like shit.”

  Jasmin gave half a smile. April knew exactly how she felt.

  “Let’s ditch this party,” April suggested. “You wanna come over to my house? We’ll have a sleepover and eat donuts and hate on men all night. What do you say?”

  Jasmin gave it some thought. She didn’t want to ditch Brad when he’d been so nice to her, but a sleepover and some girl time sounded so much more appealing. “When do we leave?”

  November, 24

  Amarillo, Texas

  Sunshine peeked through the thin curtains and she still wasn’t back. He’d called her over and over again and she didn’t answer. He didn’t know where she was, what she was doing, who she was with. It was torture.

  The empty hours were slowly causing him to crumble. He couldn’t take it anymore. The only thoughts racing through his mind was her with another guy, thoughts of Brad touching her and kissing her. A few nights ago he was the only man who knew what that felt like and he wanted all of it, all of her for himself. But then he’d pushed—pushed her right into the arms of another man. It was his fault. Everything was his fault.

  Midday came rolling in and more of his calls went unanswered. All he got was one text that said: I’m fine. She never stopped talking and now they were down to two words. She’d been nothing but nice to him and he was an asshole every single time. He wanted her to back off because she didn’t need the shit that he came with, but all he did was hurt her over and over again.

  This was a problem. Jasmin was a problem. She didn’t realize that she made him want things that he didn’t deserve to have. She made him care too much when he should be dead inside. She made him want to move past the pain when he should be stuck in it for eternity. He didn’t want to feel any of that, but now she was just there and he couldn’t get rid of her because every time he tried, he hurt himself even more.

  The more he thought about it, the more he realized that Jasmin wasn’t a problem. A problem, by definition, meant it could be solved. No, she was an ailment for which there was no cure. He could actually picture the doctor delivering the devastating news:

  “Well, Mister Shepard, it appears you have Jazzatitis. It’s a parasite and, despite any preventative measures one may take, it somehow manages to get under the skin. Its little tendrils start wrapping around every vein and artery. It completely fuses itself to the host. It’s subtle at the beginning. You probably didn’t even notice it was there, but sooner or later, it begins to surface. Symptoms include: erratic mood swings, constant hard-ons, unexplained jealousy and all-round general state of confusion. You are exhibiting all of these symptoms, Mister Shepard, which means you got it pretty bad. From the scans, we’ve seen traces of it in your ventricles, aorta and vena cava. Now, we could try to remove it, but we’d probably end up ripping your fucking heart out in the process.”

  * * * * *

  It was almost four in the afternoon when April dropped her off at the motel. Being with her all night had put Jasmin in a better head space. They’d talked and laughed and bitched about men. April cried over her ex and Jasmin poured her heart out about Kevin. It was strange how something as simple as girl time could be so therapeutic.

  “Thank you for everything,” Jasmin said, reaching over to the driver’s seat to give her a tight hug. “I really needed that.”

  “Me too. And don’t worry about Kevin. You’re amazing and if he doesn’t see it, it’s his loss.”

  They took a minute to exchange numbers so they could keep in touch and after another hug, Jasmin got out of the car carrying the bundle of clothes she had worn the night before. April was only one size bigger than her so the sweatpants and zip up hoodie still fit comfortably. She waited for the car to pull out of the parking lot before she walked into the motel room.

  Once again, she found Kevin sitting on the bed with his elbows resting on his knees. He looked like he hadn’t slept and she wondered if he’d been waiting for her this whole time. She noticed that she was misreading his behavior again, so instead she ignored him altogether and walked to the other bed to get a clean set of clothes. She’d already had a shower at April’s house, but she’d have another one to avoid him.

  “Jasmin,” he said softly from behind her, “can we talk?”

  So much for avoiding him. “No,” she replied, keeping her back to him. “I don’t wanna talk. Every time we talk it turns into a fight and I’m tired.”

  “I don’t wanna fight. I just…I just want you to talk to me…please.”

  It was the subtle desperation in his voice that made her turn to face him. “I don’t have anything to say to you.”

  He shut his eyes for a moment, looking like he was in physical pain. “Stop torturing me with this shit. I can’t take it anymore. You leave for hours at a time and then you don’t say one word to me. Please…just talk to me.”

  After their argument yesterday, she should have hit back with a nasty retort, but she couldn’t. It was that look in his eyes that stopped her, because he looked sad and tortured. “I don’t know what you want me to say. I thought this is what you wanted. You keep saying that…I’m annoying and I never shut up. It just took me a while to get the hint. I’m only giving you what you wanted…and now you’re upset about that.” She shrugged. “What do you want from me, Kevin?”

  He didn’t answer, just stared blankly down at his clasped hands.

  “I get it,” she said. “I tried to give you my friendship and you rejected it. I tried to give you my body and you rejected it. I get it. As naïve as I am, I get it. I’m just trying to stay out of your way like you wanted me to. And maybe you see it as desperate, but spending time with people who actually want to be around me doesn’t make me desperate. Wanting to go to a party with a guy who treats me nicely and speaks to me with respect doesn’t make me desperate.” She paused, thinking twice about what she was about to tell him and concluded that she wanted him to know everything she was feeling. “I had no intention of sleeping with Brad. I don’t even like him in that way…but I would be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind. I wanted to do it…I wanted to do it just to spite you…but that’s a stupid thing to do out of spite, especially when the person I’m trying to spite doesn’t give a damn. Either way, you had no right to tell me what to do, especially because you did the same thing.”

  “I didn’t sleep with Candy,” he said, still looking down at his hands. “I kissed you that day, Jasmin. I wasn’t gonna hook up with another girl on the same night…in a room we were sharing. I wouldn’t do that.”

  Both of them were relieved by the other’s answer, but that wasn’t enough to rectify the situation. “So why did you let me believe you did?” she asked.

  He shrugged as if the answer was obvious. “I wanted you to think I was that kind of guy, because then maybe…you’d stay away from me.”

  She didn’t even know what to make of that. He wanted her to stay away from him and when she did, he turned into this mess. He was so frustrating!

  “What do you want from me, Kevin?” she asked, not hiding her exasperation.

  “I want…I want us to go back to where we were.”

  “And where’s that? The place where you keep shutting me out? The place where I think we’re making a connection, but you’re just trying to keep me at a distance? I don’t want to go back there. I’m quite comfortable here where I’m under no disillusions. I don’t have to keep analyzing the things you do to figure out if…if there’s something more going on between us. I hate the fact that I deluded myself into thinking you care about me when you don’t. I don’t want to go back there. I like it here.”

  He rubbed his palms together, seemingly nervous. “You were right…Okay? You bother me…and not for the reasons I keep saying. I was a jerk to you and…I want to make this right.
You want me to beg, I’ll beg. Please…just tell me what to do to make this right.”

  She didn’t want him to beg, but she wanted to end the tension and he finally seemed willing to talk. But before they could move forward, she needed answers so she would know exactly where she stood with him.

  “Okay.” Taking a deep breath, she sat down on the bed beside him. “I want you to answer two questions for me. You want me to talk to you and I’ll do that if you talk too. If you answer these two questions honestly, I think we can move past this.”

  He pressed his palms harder against each other, even more nervous now. He probably knew that answering these questions would require him to open up and he didn’t like that at all. She put some thought into how she was going to phrase it. He’d told her that the topic of Perry was off limits, so she decided to use a different approach.

  “Why are you going to Florida?”

  He immediately stood up and walked towards the window, clasping his hands behind his head. She couldn’t see his face but she knew that gesture meant he was either feeling anxious or hurt. Right now it was both. He said nothing for a few minutes and stared out the window, debating with himself over what was more important to him. Her, or his secret.

  She shifted on the bed, leaning against the headboard and stretching out her legs as she waited. After what felt like forever, he returned to the bed and sat down beside her. His lower back was against her hip and it seemed like he purposely chose that position so they wouldn’t be facing each other. “If I tell you this…everything will be okay between us?”

  The way he asked it made it sound like emotional blackmail, but that wasn’t her intention. She just wanted to understand the reason for all the walls and one or both of her questions were bound to reveal it. “You don’t have to tell me, but I’d like you to.”

  He took a few more minutes to brace himself and when he started speaking, she realized that he was finally going to let down his defenses. He’d made the choice of what was more important to him and he chose her.