Jasmin smiled as soon as she saw a bowl of marshmallows on the small table a few feet away from the fireplace. He really was going to keep his promises this time. She’d thought it would take time to rebuild their relationship. It had taken mere days. Once they got back to Chicago, he’d go back to working crazy hours and she would soon start her new job, but she had faith that their relationship would continue to strengthen. They had a deeper understanding now and both of them were not going to allow busy schedules to interfere with that. He promised her that she would always be his number one priority and she believed him.
“So how was your date?” he asked as he sat down on the rug and pierced a skewer through a marshmallow.
“It was fun. We went to a karaoke bar. I was awesome.”
“I’m sure you were,” he agreed with a knowing smile. “And Dalton?”
“Dalton’s great, Dad. He’s such a nice guy, but he’s just…I mean, he…”
“He’s not like that other boy you were telling me about?”
She hadn’t told her father all the explicit details about Kevin. That would just be weird. But he knew the gist of what happened. Moping around in her pajamas for three days was a dead giveaway that something was wrong, so she’d told him why she was so depressed.
“It’s weird,” she said, slowly turning her marshmallow over the flames. “The fact that they’re nothing alike should make me like Dalton more, but I’m so hung up on Kevin. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m ninety percent certain that I’m in love with him and a hundred percent certain that it’s just plain stupid to feel that way when he doesn’t feel the same. How do I get over this, Dad?”
She expected her father to say that she was too young and inexperienced to understand what real love was, but he didn’t dismiss her feelings. Instead, he shrugged as if he didn’t have an answer. “It’s only been a few days, Bhajia, not long enough for a broken heart to heal. When someone you love hurts you, a part of you will always remember the pain.” The distant look in his eyes made it obvious that he was recalling everything her mother had done. “The pain will ease over time. What you need to do is let go of the anger. That’s going to take time too, but once you accept what has happened, it will be easier to forgive him. And once you forgive, you can move on.”
She nodded, giving him a sad smile. So that was step one. Acceptance. It reminded her of the story she’d told Kevin about King Jasmindeous and King Kevidius. The moral of that story was more relevant now.
Not every battle is worth fighting. Sometimes you just have to accept that losing is inevitable.
She wasn’t going to fight for Kevin. It wasn’t worth it. She accepted the fact that she’d lost him, that she’d never really had him. But she needed to find a way to get closure, close off that small chapter of her life so she could open herself up to possibility again.
December, 19
Great Falls, Montana
She cut her hair. No. She butchered it. All of it gone. Kevin knew this because he’d been keeping tabs on her. Stalker. That was the word that aptly described him. Digital stalker. He generally hated social media. If it weren’t for Perry, he wouldn’t even have an account. Yet now he was on some sort of site every day, sometimes until three in the morning. Hour after hour, day after day, all he did was stare at her pictures, read her posts over and over again. It didn’t help that some of his clothes still smelled like her. Crazy stalker. Obsessive stalker. Dying-to-speak-to-her-just-one-more-time kind of stalker. It was torture, but he’d become somewhat of an expert on self-inflicted pain.
A few days ago, Connie had posted a long thank-you letter on her wall. Jazz had asked her dad to start a bursary program and South Star had donated a substantial amount of money to Connie to pay for Beth’s college tuition. Connie was just the first of many. They’d returned from their trip nine days ago and Jasmin was already doing great things.
It was a good reminder of why he’d ended it. She was flourishing and he, being the miserable prick that he was, would have only brought her down. Now more than ever, he knew he’d made the right decision to cut ties, kill everything they had. She’d been through enough and was better off without him.
She’d made amends with her father, started a new program, and somehow still managed to socialize with the locals at a karaoke bar. All in the space of nine days. He’d known it wouldn’t take long for her to get over him and she was happy now. Very happy.
Seeing pictures of her and that…Dalton guy was like a punch to the throat. He had his arm around her while they sang, and there were pictures of them laughing and being all cutesy.
Kevin clicked through picture after picture, his jaw growing tighter as he gritted his teeth. He couldn’t stand seeing them together and yet he couldn’t look away. That’s what he’d lost. No. That’s what he’d thrown away. But for good reason.
She was happy. That was all he wanted. He wanted her to forget about him, and all the toxic shit that came with him, and just be happy. It didn’t matter that his chest was so heavy he could barely breathe. It didn’t matter that it was killing him to see her with someone else. She was the only thing that mattered.
He grabbed his phone from the side table and scrolled through his contact list. Just like every other day, he had to resist the urge to call her. He should’ve deleted her number when he deleted his off her phone, because he played this game with himself all the time. He wanted to call her to apologize. He was trying his best to make things right with everyone around him—his mother, Momma B. He’d apologized to Dom and finally held that ball with Kay. It felt like he was beginning to heal, but as one part of his life came together, the other continued to fall apart.
He couldn’t make it right with Jasmin and regret was eating at him as much as the guilt. Every day as his finger hovered nervously over her name, all he did was look up at the computer screen and that alone reminded him to stay out of her life. She was much happier without him. He scrolled past her name and typed out a text to someone else. Even as he pressed send, he knew it was a stupid idea, but at that moment he didn’t care. He wanted to distract himself with something else, stop thinking about Jasmin for just one night.
Kevin: R U at home?
It took a few minutes before she responded.
Claire: Yeah. I’ve been waiting 4U to come by
Kevin: I’ll be right over
December, 20
Great Falls, Montana
One more bridge to cross, Kevin thought as he walked towards the door. One more hurdle to face and then hopefully he could finally start accepting the tragedy that had happened. Going over to Claire’s house last night only proved that there was nothing he could do to distract himself from his inner turmoil.
He knocked on the door and it didn’t take long before a pretty middle-aged woman opened it.
She looked apprehensive, but still greeted him with a smile. “Hi, Kevin.”
“Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Is Clayton here?”
She gave a wary smile as she shifted to the side and allowed him to enter. “He’s in his room.”
Kevin slowly made his way down the long hallway to Clayton’s room. He exhaled a deep breath when he reached the door, uncertain of what to expect. Just seeing the back of Clayton’s wheelchair made him want to turn his head the other way. Taking responsibility wasn’t easy. The ripple effect of the destruction he’d caused extended so far beyond that one night. Peoples’ lives had changed irreversibly. The consequences for them would last forever and owning up to that was soul-destroying, especially because his life hadn’t changed at all.
Kevin tapped on the door before anxiously stuffing his hands in his pocket. “Hey, Clay,” he said softly.
Clayton turned his wheelchair and shook his head when he saw him. “Prick.”
Kevin cast his eyes to the floor for a second, unable to look at his legs, stumps ending where his knees used to be. “I know.”
“You look like shit.”
“I feel like shit.”
<
br /> “What took you so long?” Clayton asked, sounding more annoyed than angry.
“I was busy. Running away. Avoiding everyone. Being a coward. Shit like that tends to take up my entire day.”
“Seems like you need to find a new hobby.”
Kevin snorted out half a laugh before turning serious again. “Clayton, I don’t expect you to forgive me…and you can hate me and resent me for the rest of your life…I deserve that, but I just want you to know that…” He knew he needed to apologize, yet looking at his legs made an apology seem so insignificant. How was an apology going to make up for the fact that he couldn’t walk. The scales were severely out of balance, but an apology was all he had. Just like with Momma B, he was powerless to give anything more. “I’m sorry.”
Clayton’s eyebrows drew together. “For what?”
“For what I did…I ruined your life.”
“Kevin, you saved my life. I don’t think I would’ve made it until the paramedics got there if you hadn’t told me to keep singing. Every time I started blacking out, I just heard you yelling. That kept me going.”
Hearing that instantly set him off. “Clay, take a good look at yourself. I’m the reason you’re in that chair. I’m to blame for all the shit that’s happened to you and here you are sounding like you’re grateful.”
“I am,” he replied solemnly. “I’m grateful that my legs are the only things I lost. It was an accident and you’re the reason I came out of it alive. The only person who blames you for what happened is you. I don’t resent you. Am I mad? Yeah. I’m pissed off. I’m so angry at you. You left me in the lurch to deal with this by myself.” He sneered, shaking his head and Kevin could see that he had a lot of pent-up aggression he needed to let go of. “If you think it was easy for me to get to this point, it wasn’t. The recovery wasn’t easy. Learning to live without my legs wasn’t easy. Coming to terms with Perry and Shandré’s death wasn’t easy. I was depressed for months and there were days I just needed someone to talk to, someone who knew what I was going through. You were the only one who understood and you weren’t there. It would’ve been really nice to have a friend, but you were too selfish to care about anyone else. That’s what you need to apologize for.”
Kevin’s response was immediate. “I’m sorry. I fucked up in so many ways. And you’re right. I’m a selfish prick. I shouldn’t have left you to go through it alone. I should’ve been there and—”
“Well, you’re here now.” Clayton rolled to the other side of his room and grabbed a jacket. “Let’s go to the Barber Shop.”
* * * * *
Rose’s eyes brimmed with tears as she took note of the two empty seats at their table, but she forced a smile. “What can I get you boys today?” she asked pleasantly.
“Nothing for me, thanks, Rose,” Kevin replied.
“I’ll have a hot chocolate.” Clayton waited for her to leave before resting both arms on the table. “So I’m getting prosthetics soon, gonna learn how to walk again. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and I think it’s time I take control of my life.” He glanced up at Kevin then. “And…I think we should go back to class next semester.”
Kevin shrugged. He’d been hell-bent on destroying everything good in his life for so long that the thought of doing something positive was unnerving. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” He sat forward as well, pondering the question for a long time before he asked it. “How did you do it, Clay? How did you get over it?”
“I didn’t get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. They were such a big part of my daily life that living without them…Kev, I can’t even imagine what it’s like for you.” He paused for a minute as those words hung in the air. “I needed to find a way to move on and I realized that wallowing in depression can’t change the past and if I didn’t make an active effort to move past it, it would ruin my future as well. Being depressed is a waste of time, especially when there are so many things to be grateful for. I mean, fuck, my dick still works. What more do I need? And I can still last all night.”
Kevin laughed, shaking his head. “And who’s the lucky girl for the week?”
“Not a week.” He gave a smile that was somewhere between nervous and…shy. “I’ve been seeing her for two months now.”
Kevin was intrigued by that because Clayton’s track record with women was worse than his. “Really?”
“Yeah. She came to see me when I was in the hospital. I was depressed and angry, but she helped me through that, never allowed me to give up. She lifted my spirits, gave me that little bit of…hope.” He flashed another smile and Kevin pieced it together immediately.
“You and Hope?” he asked in disbelief.
“Yeah. I like her. I really like her, Kev.” Clayton paused and eyed him warily. “Does it make you feel weird?”
“No…Does it make you feel weird?”
“No. I’m no saint, so I don’t care about her past. She was there for me when I needed someone the most. That’s all I care about.”
That one sentence made the guilt come flooding back. Not just because he’d deserted Clayton when he needed a friend, but because that was what Jasmin had been to him. She’d been there when he needed someone, trying to help him through his grief and he just wouldn’t let her.
“Are you okay?” Clayton asked, obviously noticing the dip in his mood.
“No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Yeah.” For once he didn’t feel the need to close up. He wanted to get all of it out of his system. “So I decided to go to Florida…and I met this girl…”
He told Clayton about his trip across the country, telling him every detail about Jasmin. The way they met. The tension, the fights, the playful comments. He left nothing out, told him everything about this amazing girl, how she made him laugh despite the melancholy living within him. Her weird jokes, her penis envy, her strength that shone through her vulnerability. But then he got to the point in the story where everything fell apart. He told him about the argument they’d had on their last day together and all the disgusting things he’d said.
Clayton’s eyes were wide and he shook his head with disappointment. “Why would you do that?” he asked, sounding completely exasperated. “You’re such a jerk!”
“I know…and I wish I could take it all back. I…I miss her so much, Clayton…but the things I said to her…I knew what her mother did and I still made her feel like she meant nothing to me. I fucked up so bad…She’ll never forgive me.”
“So dumb, Kev! What? Were you just scared of falling in love with her?”
“That’s a stupid question,” Kevin replied with a shaky sigh. “It’s like asking me if I’m scared the sun will rise tomorrow. You can’t fear the inevitable. I’m not scared of falling for her. In fact, I’m already so deep in it, I can’t get out. I went to see Claire yesterday…I don’t know why I did it. I just wanted to stop thinking about her. I get there, sneak in through her window like I always do…Claire’s already ready and waiting for me, but it’s like I don’t even see her because I can’t get Jasmin out of my head. She tried to kiss me and I felt like I was cheating…I turned and went straight back out the window. How fucked up is that?” He stared down at the table. “So now Claire’s pissed and I guess I should be used to it by now. I keep messing up everything. I’ve somehow managed to hurt every woman in my life. As I fix one thing, I break something else.”
Clayton nodded, but wasn’t done probing. “You still haven’t told me why you did it.”
Instead of answering, Kevin took out his phone and showed him the article he had bookmarked. “This is Jasmin.”
Clayton took it from his hand, then looked from him to the phone to him again. “She doesn’t look like your type.”
“She isn’t. Read the article.”
“Wow!” he said as his eyes flicked across the screen. “She’s even won a tae-kwon-do tournament. Is there anything this girl can’t do?”
“She
can’t park…but that’s about it.”
“I think I understand now. You think you’re not good enough for her.”
That was only part of the reason, but Kevin nodded anyway. “I’m not.”
He handed back the phone and shrugged. “Kev, the solution to your problem is easy. Just be a better man. You know what she needs, so give it to her. You want her to forgive you, apologize. You want her to have a man she can rely on, be that man. You want her to be happy, stop hurting her. It’s that simple.”
He took a few moments and allowed that advice to sink in. Clayton was right, but it wasn’t that simple. It was too late now. She was happy without him and for once in his life he didn’t want to be selfish. She was moving on and he wasn’t going to hold her back. Staying out of her life was the best thing he could do for her.
December, 23
Yellowstone County, Montana
Kevin Shepard was a liar. Jasmin had been analyzing everything that happened over the course of the trip and today she’d finally been struck with an explanation that made sense. He was a liar. She’d been so focused on all the nasty things he’d said to her that she forgot about everything else.
“You know, two snowflakes are never the same. But even though they may be different, it’s possible for them to fall on the same spot. Maybe it’s just the Law of Gravity. Or maybe…it’s something more, Jasmin.”
Liar! Nothing he said to her that day was true. A convenient fuck when no one else was around. Not true. Candy was around and she openly showed him what she wanted and he didn’t do anything. Jasmin thought back to the first time they’d had sex. He was a mess that day and she gave him a choice to either keep shutting her out or let her in. It wasn’t easy for him, but he chose the latter and she’d watched him let down all his defenses, seen him completely break down. All of that happened before he’d even kissed her. If sex was all he’d wanted, there were definitely more convenient alternatives.
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