He shifted onto the floor and pulled her into his arms, holding her in a vise grip against his chest. That was the moment she broke down. She’d cried before, but she’d always maintained enough strength to stop herself from crumbling completely. This time she didn’t care. He was her strength. She wrapped her arms around his neck and allowed herself to be swallowed by it. She let go of everything, all the hurt and rejection of the last few days. She’d been yearning for so much. A mom and siblings, nieces and nephews, a big family overflowing with love, but this was enough. The way he held her told her that he loved her more than life itself and that was more than enough. That was another lesson she had learned from Kevin. A person didn’t have to be blood to be family and he was all the family she needed.
“I love you, Dad,” she whispered.
“And I love you. Don’t ever doubt that again.”
Their relationship was going to take time to rebuild, but they could start doing that tomorrow. All she wanted today was for him to hold her and ease her troubled mind. The world was an unpredictable place, filled with all kinds of different people. Everyone had good and bad in them. She’d met people who made her smile and people who made her cry. What she had experienced in a short space of time was utterly overwhelming and it only highlighted the fact that she wasn’t a kid anymore. The time had come for her to find her own way and stand on her own two feet. She needed to grow up, but that was the great thing about dads. They love and shield and protect. It didn’t matter how old she got, in the arms of her father she could always be a little girl.
December, 13
Great Falls, Montana
Kevin walked down the sterile hallway of the hospital and stopped outside Momma B’s room. She was lying in a semi-upright position, staring out the window on the other side of room. She looked lost and irreparably damaged, so different from the strong, radiant woman he knew. He couldn’t bear to see her like that, frail and weak. It was the reason why he’d been procrastinating for the last few days, finding any excuse not to see her, but he couldn’t avoid her forever.
This was his storm and he had to face it alone, but Jasmin had taught him a few lessons during their time together.
Family was a gift and needed to be appreciated.
Keeping himself closed off only trapped the pain within him.
Hurting the people he cared about always ended up hurting him more.
And this last one wasn’t an easy lesson to learn, but it was a vital part of growing up—love doesn’t heal all wounds. He needed to reach into the depths of his soul to find the strength to face his demons on his own. He had caused so much devastation that night and he needed courage to finally own up to it.
With uncertainty weighing down his every move, he tapped lightly on the door. She turned her head towards him and after he saw anger flash in her eyes, she turned back to the window. She said nothing, merely tapped the empty spot on the bed beside her and he took that as an order to sit down. He nervously made his way across the room and did exactly what she asked.
Loaded silence filled the space between them as he waited for her to say something. Eventually, she did.
“You didn’t come to the funeral,” she said, her gaze still fixed on the window.
“I thought…” He made an attempt to swallow the hard lump in his throat and failed. “I thought you didn’t want me there.”
Livid brown eyes immediately met his, and then it came out of nowhere. She slapped him, the same slap of practiced restraint. Too soft to cause pain, but hard enough to let him know she was pissed.
“You shut your mouth,” she bit out. “You don’t get to make those kind of decisions for me. I needed you there.”
He couldn’t even respond to that. No excuse was good enough and the truth of the matter was that he’d just been too much of a coward to face her. He lowered his head, the shame and guilt already making it impossible for him to look her in the eye.
“For the longest time, your mother and I have shared our sons and now mine is gone and she gets to keep hers?” She was still angry and she forced his chin up so he would look at her. “No! It doesn’t work like that. You’re my boy too, Kevin. You’re my boy too…Look at where I am. I lost my son, my world. He was everything to me…but to lose you too…my heart couldn’t take it.”
“How can…” He shook his head in disbelief. “How can you say that…when you know what I took from you?”
She was quiet for a long time, her face expressionless and he didn’t have a clue what she was thinking.
“You know…my Perry hated wearing a seatbelt. Did you tell him to put on his seatbelt?”
Memories of that night flashed through his mind and he had to shut his eyes to block out the images. “I did,” he responded unsteadily. “I told him a couple times.”
“You were driving that night?”
He didn’t know why she asked that. She already knew the answer. “Yes.”
“And you were drinking that night?”
That question made his jaw clench and he dropped his head again, unable to look at her when he answered. “Yes.”
“Were you drunk?”
He remembered being sober. He just couldn’t remember if he’d been sober the entire night, or just after the accident. He’d opened more than a dozen beers, but he didn’t know how much he’d actually consumed. “I don’t know, Momma B.”
“You know,” she said, placing a gentle hand over his. “The test said you had the equivalent of less than one beer.”
“It doesn’t matter what it said! The fact is we were all drinking…and I should never have gotten behind the wheel.”
This was becoming too much. It was one thing to relive that night in his mind. It was another thing entirely to talk about it. Hearing the words out loud solidified every stupid decision he’d made, decisions that led to consequences he couldn’t live with.
“You’re right,” she agreed. “All of you acted irresponsibly and it makes me angry as hell every time I think about it.” She paused, allowing him time to accept that subtle scolding. “There are things I wish I could have done differently too. It’s not like I didn’t know what all of you were going to be doing. I should have never let him leave the house. That’s the guilt I have to live with, but I’ve come to accept that nothing I did or didn’t do would have changed what happened. He would’ve snuck out of the house anyway.” She let out a sorrowful sigh. “Kevin…I know this is hard for you, but there’s one more thing I want to ask you.”
He didn’t like her questions. They were torture. Everything he’d been running away from for four months was condensed into her questions, but he reminded himself of the reason why he was there. He wasn’t there for forgiveness. He needed to own up to what he’d done and it didn’t matter how excruciating it was for him to face the truth, he’d take all of it if it helped her in some small way.
“What do you want to know?” he asked apprehensively.
“You hit something in the road.”
It was a statement, not a question, but he nodded his answer.
“Tell me…do you think that…if you weren’t driving…and if you weren’t drinking…whatever you hit would’ve still been there?”
It took a few moments to absorb that and when he finally lifted his head again, her eyes were filled with compassion.
“It was an accident…and I think it’s time you accept that no matter what you did, things would’ve turned out the same.”
“Momma B—”
“It’s not your fault.”
He was done with this conversation. He tried to shift off the bed, but she grabbed his wrist to stop him.
“Kevin, it’s not your fault.”
“Don’t say that.” He shook his head, completely unwilling to accept it. “He was your son…You of all people…You don’t mean that.”
“I do.”
Now he understood her twisted line of questioning. She wanted him to acknowledge all the things he could control before poi
nting out the one thing he couldn’t. She didn’t blame him for what happened and somehow that was worse. There had been no punishment for what he’d done and he deserved her animosity and her resentment. He’d come to the hospital expecting her to unleash all her hatred on him and he’d been fully prepared to deal with that. But this…he couldn’t handle this. Her only child was dead because of him. How could she not blame him?
She pulled him towards her and he tried to pull out of her grasp. She only held on tighter. “It’s not your fault.”
“Stop saying that!”
Her arms went around his neck, urging him closer, but he still squirmed and resisted. She eventually got him trapped in a firm hug, pulling his head to her chest, and she didn’t let him go. She just held him until he stopped fighting, until he finally let down his defenses. Tears were rolling down his cheek long before he even realized he was crying and he found himself clutching onto her sleeve. He could feel her body trembling as she cried with him.
“I’m so sorry, Momma B…I can’t…I can’t make it right.”
“It’s not your fault,” she said, kissing the top of his head. “It’s not your fault.”
Those four words were whispered in his ear in a slow, continuous chant until a part of him actually started to believe it. Perry was gone and there was nothing he could do to change that. He’d lost his best friend and became a self-destructive prick, purposely destroying every good relationship in his life. The guilt would probably never go away, but she gave him a glimmer of hope that maybe he could slowly start piecing his life back together.
December, 16
Yellowstone County, Montana
“Dalton, I want you to kiss me.”
Being heartbroken sucked! It came with so much depression and melancholy. And the crying…
Jasmin was sick of all the crying. It was a side-effect of actually allowing herself to feel and when she felt, she felt everything. But apparently there was an antidote. This date was Rachel’s idea and it was a bad one. She’d told Jasmin that the only way to get over one guy was to get under another. Jasmin had no intention of getting under anyone, but she needed to prove something to herself. Kevin wasn’t the only guy in the world. He made it clear that everything that happened had been one-sided. If their connection wasn’t real, surely she could find something of substance with someone else. The only way to do that was to get out more.
After a few days of moping around in her pajamas, even her father had told her that she needed to leave the hotel room. She’d decided to take the advice and agreed to go out for coffee with Dalton. He was a bit surprised when he arrived to pick her up and the big boss opened the door, but her father assured him that he wouldn’t get fired as long as he remained a perfect gentleman.
That was the reason why Dalton was now staring at her with wide, fearful eyes and his mouth hanging open. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
They were sitting in a restaurant that was virtually empty in a low-lit corner right at the back and the semi-circular booth completely shielded them from peering eyes. She thought it was a great idea.
She shifted along the seat to get closer to him. “My dad is never gonna find out. Just kiss me.”
“Uh…okay.”
He leaned forward and gently brushed his lips against hers. The feel of another mouth was strange at first and she gave herself a few seconds to adjust before she parted her lips. His tongue ventured into her mouth and it felt so unfamiliar, she wanted to pull away. She forced herself to push past the urge, but after a minute, she still couldn’t get into it.
“Do you feel anything?” she asked.
His smile showed his awkwardness. “It feels like…you’re holding back.”
“I can fix that.” She shifted, slinging her legs over his, and pulled his hand onto her thigh to make it more intimate. “Let’s try again.”
He kissed her again and it was better. Nice, sweet, and the longer she kissed him, the more she began to enjoy it. She stopped holding back and so did he. From a completely physical viewpoint, he did everything right, but something was missing. There were no…tingles. Even when his hand moved higher up her thigh, she didn’t feel the slightest flutter.
A few minutes in and she recognized what the problem was. Dalton was calm, mellow. He didn’t have the same type of intensity Kevin had. Kevin kissed her like he wanted to consume her, devour her. His kisses were raw and possessive, claiming her whole body even when only their lips were touching. His kisses were also a lie, so sensual and captivating that she foolishly believed he wanted her, cared about her. He didn’t, and it was unfair to Dalton to use it as a standard. It was annoying that she was comparing in the first place. Dalton was a good-looking guy. He was sweet and shy, and she doubted that he even had it in him to be crude or abrasive. So why didn’t she feel anything?
His hand moved into her hair and finally something happened, a slight jolt ran through her body. But it wasn’t because of Dalton. It was because the gesture reminded her of the many times Kevin had done that. It made her miss him. He’d used her as a distraction, said the most awful things to her and she still couldn’t stop thinking about him. Pathetic! Fuck dopamine and every obsessive tendency it created.
She immediately broke the kiss and sighed her annoyance. “Bastard broke my tingler,” she muttered to herself.
“What?”
She pulled her legs off his lap and gave an apologetic smile. “Dalton, I’m sorry. You’re a really nice guy and a great kisser, but…I’m just not feeling it.”
He was obviously disappointed, but he seemed to appreciate the honesty. “Do you want me to take you back to the hotel?”
“No. I didn’t say I don’t like hanging out with you. Let’s do something fun.”
“Okay. Cool,” he replied with an easy smile. “I think I know just the place for you.”
He slid out of the booth and held out his hand to help her out as well.
“I just need to make a quick stop first,” she said as they headed out the door of the café.
“What do you want to do?”
“I wanna cut my hair.”
* * * * *
“You’re a terrible singer,” Dalton said as he walked her back to her hotel room.
“Pffft! You’re tone deaf and you obviously don’t recognize talent when you hear it.”
It was a joke. Jasmin knew she was the worst singer in the world, yet the look on his face showed that he took her seriously. Why was it so hard to find people who understood her sense of humor? It wasn’t that she didn’t like hanging out with Dalton, but he just didn’t understand her. Not the way… She stopped that thought dead in its tracks. She was comparing him to Kevin again and the fact that she’d been doing it all afternoon was frustrating her to no end. Kevin would have seen the sadness beneath her smile, but no one she’d met today had noticed that she was barely keeping herself together.
Dalton had taken her to a karaoke bar and it had been a great distraction. She’d met his cousin Stephanie, who owned the bar, and a few of his other friends. Once she’d pushed her pathetic feelings aside, what ensued was three hours of solid fun. They’d pretended to be different contestants on their own version of America’s Got Talent, with Stephanie being the judge. No one had been able to impress her. Jasmin and Dalton sang a duet together, which had everyone in hysterics. Stephanie’s comments hadn’t been kind. A symphony of crows…being strangled, she’d said.
It was safe to say that none of them had any talents, but every time she made a joke about that, it went over Dalton’s head. Maybe it was because she said it with a straight face, but it confirmed that he simply didn’t get her. She decided that she would use that as a way of sifting through the statistical pool of one hundred and that meant that Dalton was definitely not one of her soul mates.
“I was kidding,” Jasmin said.
“I knew that,” he replied with a sheepish grin.
“I had a great time. Thanks for showing me around.”
/>
“Me too. We should do it again before you leave.”
She smiled. “I’d like that. My dad and I fly back to Chicago the day after Christmas, so maybe sometime next week?”
“Sure.”
They reached that awkward moment where they didn’t know if a hug, a kiss, or a handshake was an appropriate way to say goodbye. They settled on a hug.
“I’ll see you around.”
Jasmin watched him walk back towards the lobby before opening the door to her room. As soon as he father set eyes on her, his mouth dropped open.
“What did you do?” He sounded so horrified that she felt like she was standing over a dead body with a bloody knife in her hand.
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “I cut my hair, Dad.”
He just stared at her in dismay, taking in how short it actually was. She’d been a bit aggressive, settling on the Shaylene Woodley pixie cut. Impulsive, but she felt like cutting off all the memories.
“I promise it will grow back,” she said when he continued gaping.
He shook his head, trying to brush it off as he walked towards her. “So I got my credit card bill for last month,” he said casually and opened the door again. “Vegas?”
“I took a wrong turn and ended up there by accident.”
He chuckled, walking with her down the corridor to the dining area. “Stuff like that happens all the time.”
“And all those drinks you see on there were nonalcoholic.”
“My baby girl is all grown up and lying to me. I’m so proud.”
“I know, right? I’m proud of me. I was really convincing with that last one.”
“You’re not the legal age to drink in this country, so I have to be disappointed and tell you not to do it again.”
He spoke with his normal no-nonsense dad tone, but she didn’t take him seriously. They had spoken about her trip enough for her to know that he was glad she had done something so outrageous.
He led her to the far end of the dining hall to a long, fluffy rug that was strategically placed in front of a blazing fire. The lights of the Christmas tree in the corner danced across the walls and carols playing in the background made her forget that they were actually at a resort.
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