Journey to the Unknown

by Jacqueline Francis

  And before they’d reached Florida, he’d told her a few times that he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. Hell, she’d seen it herself. He was distraught, not thinking straight and she pushed until he snapped. It wouldn’t have ended so ugly if she had just backed off.

  He didn’t want anything beyond the road trip and she accepted that. He’d told her he wasn’t ready for a relationship and she accepted that too. He was too afraid of getting hurt to ever open himself up completely and she was ready to cut ties like he’d asked her to. But she still needed closure. She’d told her father what she wanted to do and even though he hadn’t been keen on the idea, he understood that it needed to be done.

  She let go of the anger. He’d taught her how to feel—everything, good and bad. She thought about all the smaller details of their time together. Their talks at the laundromat and his odd little encouragements, sharing their food and watching movies together. So many sweet and intimate moments had been shared between them and she couldn’t stay angry at him. She let go of the pain. Knowing that he didn’t mean all of the things he’d said made it easier to focus on how amazing it was to fall in love. Now all she needed to do was find a way to let go of him.

  December, 25

  Great Falls, Montana

  The sound of his door creaking open drew Kevin out his state of semi-consciousness. He instantly made out the tall shadow creeping quietly towards his bed. It was Jordan. He hadn’t spoken to her since he called her from Florida and she was probably coming to check in on him. Every day he was reminded of how grateful he needed to be for his family.

  When she reached his bed, she leaned over and planted a kiss on his forehead. He pushed his arm out from under the covers and wrapped it around her neck. Today wasn’t going to be easy, but knowing that his whole family would be together brought a sense of comfort.

  “Merry Christmas, Jo-jo.”

  “Merry Christmas, Bink.”

  He sat up and rubbed a hand over his scruffy jaw. “Thanks for everything.” Once again, a simple thank-you didn’t seem like enough to express his gratitude. “I really appreciate what you did for me. You don’t know how much it means to me.”

  He expected her to ask him about what had happened, but instead she smiled and gave him another hug. “That’s what big sisters are for.”

  He nodded and dropped back into bed. He wasn’t trying to be rude, he just couldn’t keep his eyes open. Being exhausted and sleep deprived was a way of life now.

  She left the room as quietly as she’d entered and he pulled the covers over his head in a vain attempt to fall asleep again. It didn’t work. After an hour, he gave up and decided to fill his daily quota of stalking.

  He turned on his computer and went to her profile without thinking. It was second nature now. There were more pictures of her and Dalton. Dalton? What kind of a name was that anyway? And this guy just couldn’t keep his hands off her. It was like his arm was surgically attached to her shoulder. They were spending a lot of time together. It was obvious that they were more than just friends and Kevin didn’t want to think about how much more.

  He felt torn. One part of him was happy that she got over the hurt he caused and moved on, but the other part of him couldn’t understand how she’d done it so quickly. It was like he meant nothing to her. He wanted to believe that Dalton was just a rebound, but he knew that Jazz was too honest to use someone in that way. It was purely out of jealousy, but he found that he was comparing himself to Dalton. Could she talk to him for hours? Did she dance for him? Did Dalton understand her the way he did? Make her smile like he did? Did he know where to touch her, how to make her moan, make her come? Kevin couldn’t stomach staring at their pictures after that thought and shut down his computer. One thing was for certain; Dalton wouldn’t break her heart like he did.

  He walked out of his bedroom and the high-pitched screams of his nieces and nephews pierced his eardrums. Max stepped out of Dom’s old room at the same time and also looked like the sound was hurting his brain.

  “It’s a fucking zoo,” Kevin said, running his hand through his ruffled hair.

  Max smiled. “How did you sleep through all this?”

  Kevin decided not to admit that he generally didn’t sleep. “Happens every Saturday,” he lied. “So used to it now.” He walked over to Max and gave him a quick hug. “Merry Christmas, bro.”

  “Same to you,” Max replied, then walked down the hallway to the living room.

  There was something he wanted to do today. He made a quick job of brushing his teeth and getting dressed, and pulled on a thick jacket as he walked down the corridor.

  “Mom,” he shouted on his way out, “I’m going to Momma B’s.”

  “Sure, honey,” she yelled back from the kitchen. “Just be back before lunch.”

  He opened the front door and saw his dad sitting on the porch. “Merry Christmas, Dad.”

  “And to you too.” Kevin had just reached the front gate when he heard his father’s voice again. “You should give her a call, Son.”

  Even though his father was the one person in the world who had every right to call him that, he still cringed when he heard it. “Call who, Dad?” he asked, playing dumb.

  His father gave him a knowing smile. “Don’t think you’re fooling me. I have five kids and I know all the signs. I saw it with Dom and Shane, saw it with Max the first year he brought Danny home for Christmas. Even Jordan couldn’t hide it when she brought Tyler along for Perry’s funeral. Now with you…you stay in your room all day, staring at your computer like you want to be inside it. I thought it was depression at first…because of Perry, but then I noticed that you were listening to Michael Bolton on repeat. When a man resorts to senselessness like that, it’s definitely because of a girl.”

  “I like Michael Bolton,” he lied.

  A loud chuckle filled the early morning air, his dad still not buying a word of it. “Stop torturing yourself and give her a call.”

  Kevin dropped his head, considering it for a few moments. “I’ll think about it.”

  And with that, he carried on walking through the thick layer of snow to get to the road. He got to Momma B’s house and his hand trembled as he turned the knob. His childhood memories were already swirling through his mind, but he pushed them aside and walked inside. He found Momma B in the living room and she smiled when she saw him.

  “Hi, Momma B.”

  She stood up and pulled him into a tight hug. “Hi.”

  He didn’t wish her a Merry Christmas because neither of them were feeling too merry. After the death of a loved one, it was difficult to face each day, but special occasions were always harder. Special occasions involved traditions and it made them feel Perry’s absence even more.

  “How are you doing today?” he asked.

  “Not good. What about you?”

  “Barely keeping it together.”

  He cast his eyes to the floor and she must have noticed the guilt that flicked across his face. She reached out to squeeze his hand. “Kevin…it’s not your fault.”

  He nodded slowly and realized that it was the first time he accepted those words without a fight. “Yeah.” After a short pause, he reached into his pocket and took out Perry’s chain. “I wanted to give you this.” He toyed with it for a long time, rubbing his thumb along the tag until he finally felt ready to let it go. Placing it in her hand, he closed her fingers tightly around it. It felt right to leave it in her care. How strange. He’d traveled over three thousand miles only to discover that the place where Perry belonged was four houses down the road.

  She smiled, quickly swiping the tear off her cheek. “Thank you.”

  He stayed there for over an hour, talking to her about nothing in particular. The conversation was weighed down by sadness, by the sheer emptiness that filled the space now that Perry was gone.

  Eventually, it came time for him to leave. She and her husband usually had Christmas lunch with her sister and she seemed eager to get out of the hou
se. Perry had always spent the day with him and again he felt the inescapable loneliness as he walked back home alone. But something happened in that short distance. He’d let go of the chain and somehow it felt like he had let go of something more.

  The burden of shame and guilt that he’d been carrying around for so long was still there, but it didn’t feel so heavy anymore. The shackles tying him to that one night were taken off. He would never forget and he doubted that he would ever fully make peace with what happened. Facing his own demons would take time, but he finally felt…free. Free to truly mourn the death of his best friend without trying to destroy everything around him in the process.

  He got back home and as he walked past the dining room, he noticed that Danny and Jordan were already setting the table for lunch. There were going to be two empty seats at the table this year. Ever since Max met Danny seven years ago, she and her foster father, Jake, had spent Christmas with them. Jake died from a heart attack last year and this year the family was struck with another tragic loss. Special occasions were the worst to get through and lunch today was going to be torture.

  He walked to the living room and greeted his sisters-in-law, Debbie and Tracey, and then went off to play with the kids before Shane started talking. He’d never been more grateful for his nieces. They really lifted his mood and their high-pitched giggles almost made him forget about the sadness that filled the house. Everyone could feel something was missing. They just chose not to say anything.

  Eventually his mother called out that lunch was ready and he walked back to the dining room with his brothers. His father said a short prayer and Kevin tried not to think about the empty seat beside him when everyone sat down around the long table.

  His mother had cooked up a storm, but Kevin had no appetite. Everyone took a fair helping of everything, filling their plates.

  “Let’s eat.” Shane was the first to break the silence. “Momma, everything looks delicious.”

  “I helped, too,” Jordan said, reaching for the roast potatoes. “So did Danny.”

  And even with his sister’s short response, Kevin picked up something was wrong. She wasn’t her normal, bubbly self.

  Shane leaned over, ruffling Danny’s short, brown hair. “Well, we all know Danny didn’t actually cook anything.”

  Danny laughed and jabbed him with her elbow before reaching for the salad.

  “Do you remember your first Christmas with us?” Shane asked her. “God, that turkey couldn’t have tasted worse if it came out of the dishwasher. Dom even told Tracey not to give any to Madison. She was only a year old at the time and he didn’t want to be racing her to the hospital on Christmas.”

  Jordan exchanged looks with Kevin and he knew exactly what she was thinking about. Perry had suggested that they make better use of Danny’s horrid turkey and they’d hidden their dry, shriveled pieces of meat under Jordan’s pillow. Torturing Jordan had always been their favorite childhood pastime.

  “You said that, Dom?” Danny asked.

  “It was awful, Danny,” he replied with a laugh, “and parents are always paranoid with their first born. If it’s any consolation, I would definitely feed your cooking to Makayla.”

  “Really?”

  “Well…no. Max says you’ve gotten progressively worse over the years.”

  Kevin rolled his eyes when Shane started blabbing again. The guy could just not shut up.

  He glanced over at Jordan. Her face was a masked front and he could guess the reason why. Her new boyfriend wasn’t there. After hearing how she swooned over Tyler, Kevin had expected her to invite him to spend Christmas with the family. The fact that Tyler wasn’t there could only mean one thing; a bad break-up. He was an expert at reading the signs now. She was hurting and trying to hide it from the rest of the family, but he saw it. One broken heart could sense another.

  He said nothing. He didn’t even look at her, but he dropped his hand palm up onto her lap and kept it there until she was ready to take it.

  She accepted his small method of comfort, wrapping her fingers around his and squeezing them tight. “Love you, Bink,” she whispered.

  Sentimental shit. He smiled to himself. He’d always taken these little moments with his family for granted, but after meeting Jasmin, he was beginning to see that they weren’t small at all. These were moments that needed to be cherished.

  He glanced up to look at Max and he was staring adoringly at Danny. Max had been in love with her for seven years and Kevin couldn’t understand how he could be with her twenty-four-seven and still be stuck in the friend zone. His brother was a nerdy guy, shy when it came to the opposite sex. But fuck, seven years? And the way Danny looked at him made it obvious that she liked him too. Why couldn’t they just open their eyes and get a clue?

  “God, they’re so sickening,” Kevin whispered with a groan.

  Jordan looked across the table then too. “They are sickening,” she agreed.

  “You two should just bone and get it over with,” he said loud enough for them to hear.

  Danny giggled and the bright red that rose up to her cheeks told Kevin that maybe his brother had finally taken a hint and made a move. He’d always wanted them to get together but somehow the thought of them having sex was…nauseating. Especially when they were looking at each other like that.

  “Ugh, you did?” Kevin said, not hiding his disgust. “That’s gross! I think I just lost my appetite.”

  “But don’t worry, Danny,” Shane’s voice interrupted their private conversation and he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that no one had been listening to him. “It’s better that you two are just friends. My little brother is too moody. Both of them are.”

  Kevin didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, but it was obvious that Shane was also unaware that Max had finally crossed over the friend line. He didn’t bother to find out what Shane’s verbal jab at them was all about. He just rolled his eyes and looked over at Max with complete disinterest. “Blah. Blah. Blah,” he mouthed, using his hand as a flapping mouth. “Fucking Virgos.”

  “Speaking about Virgos,” Max said with a small chuckle. “Did that girl on the road trip end up driving you crazy?”

  Kevin shut his eyes as memories of Jasmin flooded his mind. Their entire trip together was a series of flashing images, starting from when they’d first met to the point where he felt completely lost without her. He was an obsessive stalker now. Crazy didn’t even begin to describe it. “You have no fucking idea,” he whispered.

  He kept his head down, hoping his siblings wouldn’t ask for more details. He didn’t want to talk about Jasmin, especially after seeing all those pictures of her and Dalton together. Thankfully, they dropped the subject.

  The next few hours passed by and he couldn’t account for the time. After that comment about Jasmin, he couldn’t stop thinking about her and everything else faded into the background. He sat with his family as they exchanged gifts, but he barely paid attention to the hugs and happiness. His thoughts kept going back to when he’d hung up his snowflake next to hers on the Christmas tree. He just wanted to go back in time to that point and do things differently, but he’d learned a harsh lesson in the last few months. It was impossible to change the past.

  After exchanging gifts, Debbie laid out dessert in the dining room. Jordan cut a few slices of the cake she’d baked and handed one plate to Max while Kevin scooped out a large helping of vanilla ice cream and covered it in chocolate sauce. He poured on extra today, taking Perry’s share as well.

  “Kevin, don’t you think that’s too much chocolate sauce?” Max asked.

  He was too overwhelmed with melancholy that he barely managed to force a smile. “You can never have too much chocolate sauce.”

  The three of them took their usual seats at the table and Kevin ate his ice cream in silence as he watched his nieces chase each other around the dining room. He zoned out, trying not to think about Jasmin or Perry, but that was short lived. From the corner of his eye,
he could already see the looks being exchanged between his siblings and when Max cleared his throat beside him, he knew an interrogation was coming. Both of them knew about Jasmin and their questions were unavoidable, but this wasn’t a discussion he wanted to have right now. He was on edge before his brother even said one word.

  “So Kevin…” Max hesitated, as if he was thinking twice about it. “What happened with that girl?”

  His jaw tightened and fingers curled into fists. He wasn’t angry at them. He was angry at himself. Rehashing everything would only remind him of what an asshole he’d been. “I don’t want to talk about her…ever.”

  He glanced at both of them to let them know the conversation was over. They remained quiet as he stood up, picked up his bowl of ice cream, and walked to his nieces on the other side of the room. “Hey, girls,” he said, kneeling down in front of them. “Why don’t we go watch a movie?”

  “Yeah,” Kay chirped.

  “What do you wanna watch?” Mackenzie asked.

  Kevin gave it some thought before he responded and his choice was just another way of tormenting himself. “How about…Wreck-it Ralph?”

  “Uncle Kevin, you hate Vanelope,” Madison said. “You say she talks too much.”

  He let out a shaky sigh and forced another smile. “I might have had a slight change of heart.”

  Madison jumped onto his back, he took Mackenzie in one arm and Makayla in the arm that held his bowl of ice cream, and walked out.

  He carried them to the living room and switched on the movie. He was still in zombie-mode, not concentrating on anything. His eyes kept darting to his phone on the coffee table and he debated whether he should take his father’s advice and just call her. But what would he say? Hi. Sorry I was a dick! Merry Christmas.

  Wreck-it Ralph hadn’t even finished his opening speech at the Bad-Anon meeting when he heard a car pull up. He turned on the sofa to look outside the window. It was parked on the other side of the road, so he didn’t pay much attention at first, but as soon as the driver’s door opened, he froze. It couldn’t be. His mind was playing tricks on him. That couldn’t possibly be Jasmin getting out of the car. She didn’t even know where he lived.