Dirty Little Secret

by Jennifer Ryan

“Right. No one knows better than me how Candy can make you wish you never met her.” She didn’t have to imagine her mother testing John’s patience to the point he broke and gave up.

  “So proud of you.” His eyes drifted closed, despite the effort he put into keeping them open. “Loved. You. Always.”

  “I love you, too.” Like always, her love was all mixed up with anger and hurt. She wondered if she’d ever love someone and feel nothing else but happiness.

  Not likely. Not in her life.

  She felt the difference in him, heard the slowing of his heart monitor and knew he’d fallen back into a deep sleep. She gave herself a few minutes to watch him, study every line and curve of his face. She turned his hand in hers and traced the rough calluses on his fingers and palm. A working man’s hands.

  She remembered the feel of his rough thumb brushing over the bruise on her cheek and how soft that caress was despite the size and strength of him. She remembered how he took up the space in a restaurant booth the few times he came to town and whisked her away for a few hours of strained conversation over a meal she could barely choke down. Her emotions flowing and ebbing inside from rage to extreme happiness at seeing him again. The swirl of emotions choked off her ability to speak. The only thing that saved her from screaming in frustration each time was the fact he looked just as uncomfortable as her.

  Time ticked away. She didn’t know what she was waiting for, but it never came. She still felt troubled. They had been and were doomed to forever remain acquaintances.

  This visit didn’t settle anything between them. Just like all their other visits. They would never have the chance to talk about the past, put it to rest, and find a way to have a new kind of relationship now.

  She pressed her face into his hand and felt the brush of his fingers on her face. She kissed his palm, held his hand against her skin for a moment longer, then stood with his hand still held in hers. “I have to go. Your children will be back to stay with you.”

  His hand contracted in hers. Something inside her eased, hoping that his attempt to hold her there meant he wanted her to stay, too. It was enough. Her heart full, she leaned down and kissed his cheek, pressed her nose into the crook of his neck and inhaled his scent. His hand contracted in hers again.

  She let him go, stood on her own two feet like she’d always done, and did the hardest thing she’d had to do in a long time. “Goodbye, Dad. Maybe you’ll look in on me from time to time like you used to.”

  Comforted by the crook of one side of his mouth into a semblance of a grin, she patted his hand and left the room to let the doctor know she was done.

  Time to head back to the Ranch, her job, and the only family she had left, her mother.

  Not a great enticement for going home.

  But she still had three sisters she’d collected.

  She wished she’d get a chance to see her father’s ranch.

  Not in the cards. It belonged to his children, a testament to the life he shared with them. Not her.

  She scolded herself for the petty thoughts.

  The doctor stood by the nurses’ station. “I’m all done. Thank you for letting me see him. Um, if you wouldn’t mind, please call me with updates on his condition.”

  “Of course.”

  “And when he . . .”

  The doctor touched her shoulder again. “I’ll let you know.” He pulled a slip of paper from his clipboard. “Tom left this for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  She opened the slip of paper and read the hotel name and address, date and time of the funeral, and her return flight information. She hadn’t planned on staying for the service.

  She had so many other regrets, she didn’t want to miss attending her father’s funeral.

  She rode the elevator down to the lobby, the silence deafening in the wake of realizing she’d never hear her father’s voice again. She walked across the parking lot and sat in her rental car, loneliness and grief her only companions amongst the rows of empty vehicles. Her heart felt too heavy to hold in her chest. Tears pricked her eyes and stung the back of her throat.

  She would never see her father alive again.

  She’d carry the longing for more time with him for the rest of her days. She’d regret all the things she’d wished to have with him and not making the most of the time they did spend together.

  And for all the unfulfilled wishes, lost time, and missing her father, she let the tears fall in a torrent because no matter what, she loved him. Her daddy. Maybe not the best one, but hers.

  Chapter Four

  Noah stood on the driveway in the bright sun, tipped his Stetson back, and let the warm rays settle on his face. Eyes closed, he focused on the heat on his skin and blocked out all thoughts. Just for a moment, he set aside the reason for the ache in his chest. Most of all, he preferred the quiet of the outdoors to the somber mood in the house.

  Lost in thought, he didn’t hear the car drive up and park behind him. A pair of soft, small hands settled over his eyes and startled him out of the first moment of peace he’d had in the two long days since John died.

  Cheryl stepped around him. He remembered her sweet perfume from better days and hot nights. Her simple black dress clung to her soft curves and showed a lot of tempting skin. When she caught him looking, a smile spread across her lips but didn’t brighten her eyes. “Miss me?”

  Lust and a good healthy dose of male ego got him tangled up with Cheryl. Beautiful, outgoing, she drew him in, and he’d wanted her. Then he got to know her and a great body didn’t hold up to the fact they had little in common.

  Cheryl was nice. She just wasn’t for him. He wanted someone different.

  “It’s been a while.” He broke things off with her four months ago.

  “Too long.”

  He wanted to agree, but found he couldn’t.

  He didn’t miss her but what he wanted with a woman. Someone in his bed each night, a partner by his side every day.

  “I’m so sorry about John. You two were so close. I came to stay with you. You shouldn’t be alone at a time like this.”

  He didn’t want to go down that particular potholed road again. “I have my sister. I promised her we’d do this together. As a family.”

  Cheryl scrunched her mouth into a lopsided frown. “She’s not really your sister, you know.”

  Noah fisted his hands and backed Cheryl up a step and got in her face. “Say that again, and I’ll toss you off this ranch.” He’d lost his mother and John. Annabelle was the only family he had left in this world. And today of all days, he refused to let anyone tell him Annabelle and he weren’t family.

  Cheryl held her hands out to her sides. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “Then why say it?” He stepped away, giving her space and him a moment to rein in his anger.

  Cheryl appeared lost for words.

  “I suggest you head for the church. All of John’s friends will pack the place in no time. Annabelle and I will be there soon.”

  Cheryl tried to reach him again. “Everyone loved him.”

  Noah grinned and shook his head. “People respected his talent with horses and admired his business skills. Loved that cantankerous man? Some of them. The ones who knew him well.”

  Annabelle stepped down the stone entrance to the house, stood by his side, and gave Cheryl an appraising gaze. “So, you’re back.”

  Three words that conveyed how much Annabelle disliked Cheryl.

  Noah shook his head. “Sprite, Cheryl just came by to offer her condolences. That’s all.”

  Cheryl tried to say something, but Annabelle cut her off. “It’s time to go. You promised. Today, you and me.”

  “You and me, Sprite. Always,” he swore, knowing she needed the reassurance.

  Cheryl hooked her arm through his and prompted him to escort her to her car. “Whatever you need, Noah, I’m here for you.” She rubbed her hand over his chest and smiled invitingly up at him.

  “Um, thanks.�
� He didn’t acknowledge the underlying offer in her words.

  Annabelle climbed into the waiting limo taking them to the service. He followed her a moment later. The driver closed the door, leaving them in the plush interior.

  He dreaded today and tried not to think or feel.

  But faded memories of his mother flooded his mind. He wished he could remember her smile and the sound of her laugh. Soon, he’d forget the sound of John’s voice and the twinkle that came into his eyes when he appreciated a beautiful woman walking by.

  “You’re quiet, Noah. Are you thinking about Dad?”

  “Remembering all the times he spotted a pretty girl.” He gave her a halfhearted smile, trying to keep things light. He didn’t want today weighed down with somber thoughts and talk.

  John would want them to remember the good times, revel in life and not drown in death.

  “He’d get that sappy smile and his eyes would light up.” She grinned, knowing as Noah did that John never set out to hurt any of those women. He just appreciated their many attributes and took what comfort they offered to soothe his troubled heart.

  “I’m going to miss it. Him. I don’t think I’ll ever go to a rodeo again and not anticipate one of his elbow jabs to check out one of the riders.”

  Annabelle grabbed his arm. “Remember how he’d drag you over to the barrel races? God, how he loved to watch those women ride.”

  Noah remembered.

  Reading his thoughts, she added with a backhanded slap against his chest, “He liked the girls from the Wild Rose Ranch the best.” Her grin spread from ear to ear and her eyes shone with mischief. “You know what they say about those girls,” she coaxed, her smile infectious.

  “What do you know about those girls?” he asked, knowing full well she’d heard the rumors the women worked for the illustrious Nevada whorehouse.

  “I’m not a kid anymore, you know. I’ve heard things.”

  “You just close your ears to things like that.”

  “Don’t tell me Dad had to drag you kicking and screaming to watch them ride.”

  Lucky for him, he didn’t have to answer that loaded question. They pulled up to the entrance of the church and the driver opened the door for them.

  A small crowd gathered outside the doors leading into the church.

  “It’s time to say goodbye, Sprite.”

  “I’d rather stay right here and talk about . . .”

  He slapped his hand over her mouth, something he’d done since she was a kid when she tried to rile him with her outrageous outbursts. “Let’s go.” Her lips vibrated against his hand with her giggles.

  The trip down memory lane and her infectious laugh eased his heart. Something he didn’t think possible today. He loved her for it. He didn’t care what blood or a piece of paper said, she was his sister in his heart.

  He stepped out of the limo and held his hand out to help her exit.

  When she stood with him and saw the people gathering in front of the church, she hesitated, then stared up at him, her eyes earnest. “Do you think he was happy?”

  “I think he was like most of us. Happy with many aspects of his life, but wishing things could have gone better in others. Being a father and working the ranch made him happy.”

  “He never found his true love,” she said sadly.

  “I like to think he loved my mother, and after she died, he couldn’t find anything close to what he had with her.” Was it wishful thinking to hope John and his mother found happiness and love together?

  Before he and John had that last talk up on the ridge, he might not have thought so, but now he thought that’s what John was trying to tell him in his own way.

  “I hope so. I’d hate to think he never felt true love before he died.”

  Noah hugged her close. “Whether he did or not, he loved you, Sprite. Let’s go in there, thank him for all he did for us, and give him a proper goodbye. After, we’ll go home, gather our friends and neighbors around us and celebrate his life.”

  “Cowboy style.” Annabelle found her smile again.

  “A couple of the guys stayed behind to fire up the smoker and grill.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and walked with her to greet their friends. Every step closer to the church erased their earlier good humor and the weight of the reason for their being here settled heavily in their hearts.

  “She came,” Annabelle sputtered out.

  Noah hated surprises.

  This one put a stone in his gut. Annabelle’s mother, Lisa, stood on the church steps with Cheryl. They both locked eyes on him and smiled.

  The two of them together added up to trouble in his mind.

  “Noah.”

  He turned and found his best friend.

  “Sorry about John. He was a good man.” Austin’s bloodshot eyes, underscored by dark circles, and his haggard expression hinted that he might quite possibly still be drunk from last night. Austin spent too many nights brooding and drinking these days.

  “Yes, he was. The best,” Noah replied.

  “How are you holding up, Sprite?” As close as brothers, they’d both called Annabelle by that nickname since she was holding on to their jeans and toddling next to them.

  Annabelle hugged Austin, then stepped back to Noah’s side. “I’m doing okay. You haven’t been to the ranch lately. We miss your visits.”

  Where had the years gone that Noah stood beside his sister, now a poised young woman who spoke like an adult? John would be proud of her for holding up so well, carrying on, despite her grief and uncertainty about her future. She impressed the hell out of him.

  “Family should stick together.” Hurt and anger flashed in Austin’s eyes. He was still reeling from his father’s betrayal. “I saw Lisa a few minutes ago. If she causes you any trouble, Sprite, you let me know. Noah and I’ll take care of it.”

  Annabelle gave a slight nod.

  Out of nowhere Cheryl appeared, pressed into his chest, and wrapped her arms around his neck. Noah instinctively grabbed her waist. Big mistake. She snuggled closer.

  “It’s going to be okay, Noah.”

  Austin cocked his head and stared dumbfounded at Cheryl wrapped around him. “You two got back together?” Surprise with a touch of what-the-fuck-were-you-thinking filled Austin’s voice.

  Noah reached up, took Cheryl’s forearms, and extricated himself. He answered Austin, but stared down at Cheryl. “No. We are not back together.”

  Cheryl smiled sweetly up at him, then turned her gaze to Austin. “I’m here to help a friend through a difficult time.”

  Austin read the situation and slapped Noah on the shoulder. “No need, honey, I’m here.”

  “Austin, Annabelle and I will take a moment with John before the service begins. Come in with us,” Noah offered.

  Austin planted his hand on Noah’s shoulder and gave him a long look, appreciation that none of Austin’s recent misbehavior had damaged their friendship. Austin was hurting himself. Noah hated it and had offered his help, but Austin had his pride and wallowed in it.

  They walked in together, Noah and Austin flanking Annabelle. Noah felt better having his friend’s support.

  Like John, Noah wasn’t a particularly religious man. He didn’t attend church unless dragged. If he wanted to commune with God, he did so in his saddle out in nature. Whenever he had a problem, something to think through, a need to be quiet and alone, he rode, found a pretty spot to stop and enjoy the outdoors and let the peace envelop him.

  The priest greeted them just inside the church doors. “Noah, Annabelle, my deepest condolences on your loss. If there is anything you need, guidance during this difficult time, please don’t hesitate to call on me.”

  “Thank you, Father Patrick.” Annabelle took the lead. “We appreciate all your help setting up the service. I’m sure it’s going to be wonderful and just what John would have wanted.”

  “He was a good man. Everything is ready inside the church. Please, come with me and I’ll take you to hi
m.”

  Chapter Five

  Mottled colors splashed against the quiet, peaceful church walls from the sparkling stained-glass windows. With a heavy heart, Roxy walked alone to the front as Jesus stared down at her from a cross hung on the wall. He’d never answered any of her prayers. She didn’t offer up any now. She’d gotten the point long ago: you’re on your own.

  Thanks for nothing.

  She wished her sisters were here.

  Standing in front of John’s casket, she felt as alone as she’d ever been.

  “Hello again, Dad. I’m sorry this is the way things end between us.”

  Now that he was gone, she didn’t know what to say, so she went with the first thing that popped into her mind. “I hoped I’d see you in a suit on my wedding day. This isn’t exactly what I had in mind.” She pressed her hand to his chest and smoothed it over the lapel of his navy blue suit. “You look very handsome.”

  She plucked a white rosebud from the bouquet on top of the casket and fit it into his lapel.

  She stood in silence. Her thoughts scattered and confused. Sometimes she felt the anger rise over the injustices she felt John had allowed her to suffer because of his absence and indifference. Her thoughts turned to unfulfilled wishes and hopes, and back to the overwhelming sadness that he was gone.

  Unsettled, she spent her time trying to sort out her mind and heart, only to come to one conclusion. She’d lost John too soon and needed to remember the old adage: life is short, live it now.

  Funny how that thought made her think of her mother and all the time she wasted trying to make Candy be something she wasn’t and do the right thing. Her choices were her own. Roxy needed to stop trying to change Candy and live her own life. How many times had she thought it would be best to move away from the Ranch, her mother, and make a new life for herself?

  Easier said than done.

  “Roxy,” Tom called from behind her.

  She jumped and turned to face him, her hand pressed to her racing heart.

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” His eyes took a little too long to rise from her chest to meet her eyes. “The limo just pulled up outside. The priest will buy us a few minutes before Noah and Annabelle come in to have a few minutes alone with John before the service.”