Pumpkin Pie Parting

by Addison Moore

  “You won’t believe what your darling, yet loose, little daughter has up and gotten herself into.”

  They speed off to the conservatory where I’ll be in just a moment to hang Carlotta by her toes.

  “Lottie?” Lea calls as Gemma dances her in a circle. “Guess what my surprise is?”

  “A noose you’d like for me to put to good use with Carlotta?” I glance back, only to find the ghost of a familiar looking black cat in little Lea’s arms. “Thirteen!” I say with marked enthusiasm as I head over and offer his fur a quick scratch. Thirteen is a jet-black cat whose fur sparkles with onyx-colored stars, his eyes glow a brilliant shade of green, and he just so happened to be the spirit sent to help solve last month’s murder. “How is this possible? Don’t tell me I left a killer on the loose? Or worse yet, Pastor Gaines has managed to resurrect himself.”

  That would be a true and frightening nightmare.

  “Heavens no.” His whiskers twitch in the same way my cats are prone to do when they’re feeling snippy. “He’s dead and gone, and I’m dead and here. It turns out, since the killer and the deceased were one and the same in my case, I was able to put in for an extension.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful.” A part of me wonders if Noah will be able to put in an extension, if for some reason he doesn’t make it. And suddenly, I feel crestfallen just thinking about it. “Well, I, for one, am thrilled you’ll be staying on. And I know Lea is glad about it, too. I’d better get into the conservatory. I’m late for dinner with my brand new mother-in-law.”

  Lea laughs. “Lottie is eating for two. She’s having a baby.”

  “Lord,” I groan. “Lea, don’t tell Greer, whatever you do. She’s a terrible gossip.” A dead one nevertheless. Her mouth still reigns supreme in that sense.

  Gemma trots off to the delight of both Lea and Thirteen, and I quickly make my way into the conservatory.

  The conservatory is light and bright, sparsely populated with guests who all seem to be taking their meals in here this evening. You can’t blame them. My mother has lit up the woods outside of these glass walls with twinkle lights, and it lends for a dramatic backdrop. It really does feel as if you’re enjoying your meal in the middle of the woods, sans the icy cold air of autumn and the potential black bear ruining your fun and perhaps your life.

  Carlotta and Mayor Nash are laughing it up over something to my right, and I can’t help but make a face. Mayor Nash waves me over.

  “Congrats, Lottie! I won’t say a word.” He pretends to zip his lips, and I quickly drift away from them as if they were diseased.

  Good God. I’m going to have to break this to Noah before he hears it from somebody else.

  A few tables over I spot my mother and Topper Blakley having what looks to be an intimate yet slightly heated conversation, and I don’t dare go near them with a ten-foot baby. I mean pole. Why did I say baby?

  I glance down to find my hand settled over my stomach again.

  GAH!

  I pull it away as if it were embedded in flames.

  “Leland!” a woman hisses from behind, and I turn to find Britney looking particularly enraged. A blonde curl cleverly hides her left eye, but the rest of her face speaks angry volumes. “She’s here.”

  “Who’s here?” And then it hits me. “Oh, that’s right, I keep forgetting Suze was your mother-in-law far before she ever was mine.” I step back and iron out the front of my dress. “What do you think? Do I look okay?” I don’t wear dresses on the regular, but I pulled out a cranberry corduroy number I found hiding in the back of my closet. And I managed to dig up a matching pair of suede boots that hike over my knees, meeting it at its hemline.

  “You look like a slutty pilgrim. But never mind you.” She cranes her neck behind me. “God, she is here. What’s that wicked witch doing in Honey Hollow anyway? Has Noah finally kicked the bucket?”

  I swat her on the arm. “Don’t you dare put that out in the universe. No, he’s not dead. And he will never be dead. Noah is going to live forever.”

  She rolls her eyes at the thought. “That will be a first.”

  “Yes, it will. Now, if you weren’t talking about Suze, who were you talking about?”

  She wrinkles her nose. “Call her Suzanna. She loves that more than anything.”

  “Very funny, but I’ve already been warned not to. So, spill it. Who’s the infamous she?”

  Britney glances to the left, and I follow her gaze, only to find Finn and Naomi laughing it up at a secluded table.

  “Oh my God?” I gasp. “Does that boy have no sense?”

  Britney grunts, “I’m beginning to wonder the same thing. I’m sorry, Lorena, but I don’t tolerate threesomes the way you do. I’m afraid I’m going to have to break it off with your brother.” She lifts her chin stoically. “We had a good run.”

  “No, don’t do that. I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation. Go over there and douse Naomi with water and I’m sure Finn will give it to you.”

  Everett waves to me from the back, and I spot him there with Alex and a blonde woman with short hair that swoops to the side. She’s wearing a tight red dress that makes the getup I’ve donned look like it belongs on a nun, and I can hear her booming laugh clear across the room.

  Here it goes. I’m about to meet Noah’s mother, my mother-in-law.

  My heart rate picks up as I make my way over, and soon I’m standing right before the three of them breathless with my hand extended.

  “Lottie Lemon,” I say, noting how identical her eyes are to Noah’s, and her dimples are digging in on either side of her cheeks just like they do with both her handsome boys. She’s pretty, beautiful, in fact, and yet she seems—I guess livid would be the word I’m looking for. “I’m Noah’s wife.”

  The smile dissipates from her face and she shakes her head at me.

  “So, you’re next in line to suck the money out of my son’s bank account. I’d say glad to meet you, but I don’t think either of us wants to start this relationship off with a lie. I suppose you’ll join us. Alex and Everett have been speaking highly of you, and it makes me wonder what they’re hiding from me.” Her emerald green eyes flit to Alex. “Is she a killer?”

  “Nope.” Alex doesn’t miss a beat. “But she has a penchant for tracking them down.”

  I shoot Everett a look as I take a seat between him and Alex. It’s safe to say Suze and I didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, but that’s on her. I came in as nice as can be. And will remain so. I think.

  A dark laugh brews in Everett’s chest as he picks up my hand. “Don’t worry, Lemon. Her bark is worse than her bite. Isn’t that right, Suze?”

  She huffs over at him. “You’re lucky I like you, Everett. And why are the two of you holding hands? Let me guess. My poor son isn’t in the ground yet and you’ve already ‘Essexed’ her.”

  I roll my eyes. Everett’s true formal name is Essex, but the only people he allows to call him by his proper moniker are those he’s bedded. It’s sort of a door prize they come away with after the main mattress event. With the exception, of course, of his mother and sister who have only referred to him as Essex since the day he was born. It’s more or less a well-known fact, thus Suze’s peculiar knowledge of the name game. I, however, prefer to call him by the name I’ve known him as from the beginning. And lucky for me, Everett doesn’t mind one bit.

  Everett shakes his head. “Nope. Lemon and I were dating before they got hitched.”

  I lean in, indignant. “And they’re not putting Noah in the ground. He’s going to pull through.”

  She presses out a manufactured smile. “I like a woman who chooses to hold strong to her delusions.” Her features smooth out once again as if solidifying to iron. “But these are the wrong delusions to cling to.” Her blood red nails tap against the sides of her glass. “I just came from a visit and I used to be a nurse. I know exactly what his odds are. But don’t you worry. As his wife, you’ll be the recipient of all his earthly belongings
. I’m sure that last wife of his is kicking herself for not holding strong another few months.” She does a double take to her left. “And there’s the nitwit who was driving the car.”

  I turn around, and sure enough Cormack is seated with both my mother and Topper. Oddly enough, the conversation they’re embroiled in looks as if it’s escalating.

  Perfect. That’s exactly what this night needs, a Featherheaded crescendo.

  Alex clears his throat. “Lottie has a bakery on Main Street. Maybe tomorrow after we visit Noah we can stop by?”

  Suze snorts. “And fill myself with empty carbs? No, thank you.”

  A member of my mother’s waitstaff drops off the dinner menu, and we quickly peruse it before putting in our orders. I can’t help but note that Suze chose the pasta carbonara with garlic breadsticks and mashed potatoes, an empty carb trifecta, but I’ll be the last to point that out to her.

  “So, Suze?” I struggle to make eye contact with her, and if I didn’t know better, I’d think she was ignoring me. “What keeps you busy?”

  “Are you implying I’m diddling away my time? I’ll have you know that not all women of a certain age sit around baking cookies all day, trying to ply them off on people.”

  My mouth falls open. Was that a slight dig at me? I’m not of a certain age, am I?

  I decide to take the high road and change the subject. “Both Everett and I have been visiting Noah daily. We’re both confident he’ll come back to us. We talk to him. And we just know he can hear us, so we try to keep it positive.”

  “Oh, he can’t hear you.” Suze is quick to blow it off. “He’s lost in a deep slumber. He doesn’t know a darn thing that’s happened to him. That’s the saving grace in all of this.”

  I glance to Everett because we happen to know otherwise.

  Everett nods over to her. “How long does Honey Hollow have the honor of your presence, Suze?”

  She smiles over at him and it looks genuine. “I’ll be here until just after Thanksgiving, and then I’m off to a cruise in the Aegean. I’m afraid I have a non-refundable ticket. Whatever will be with my son, will be. He would never want me to miss this trip, despite his destiny.”

  “That’s true,” a warm voice whispers into my ear and I jump, only to turn around and see a handsome poltergeist that has hijacked my heart and my womb.

  “Noah!” I gasp, filled with relief, and then immediately with regret.

  “Excuse me?” Suze doesn’t look amused by my little outburst.

  “I mean, yes, that sounds exactly like Noah.” I give Everett’s hand a squeeze because I know he heard Noah’s voice, too.

  Suze eyes our conjoined hands and sighs hard. “The two of you visit my son, and then let me guess, you jump into bed together in an effort to comfort one another?” She says comfort with air quotes and Noah chuckles.

  “What are you laughing at?” I whisper.

  Suze shakes her head. “Oh, I’m not laughing. You’re lucky I like you, Everett. But haven’t you and Noah had enough of one another’s leftovers? What does your mother think of all this? You do know I highly admire Eliza and respect her opinion.”

  “My mother loves her.” Everett shrugs as if he can’t explain it.

  Gee thanks.

  Suze gags on her next caustic thoughts.

  Noah leans in. “There she goes. She’s trying to rewire her brain to do the same. But don’t worry. She only likes a handful of people. The important thing is that I love you, Lottie. Don’t think twice about whatever it is that’s about to pop out of her mouth. She doesn’t have a filter, if you hadn’t noticed.”

  “Oh, I noticed.”

  Everett nods as if agreeing with me.

  “Huh.” She takes a breath while appraising me again for the very first time. “Maybe I will have to stop by your bakery. Noah loved my chocolate chip cookies growing up. I’ll have to see if they’re anywhere as good as I used to make them.”

  The sharp cry of a woman explodes to our left, and we turn to find Naomi standing up, dripping with what looks to be spaghetti sauce from head to toe.

  I see Britney chose to forgo the water bath I suggested and went for the Bolognese gold.

  “You witch!” Naomi launches at Britney, and Finn does his best to stave them off.

  “I’d better take care of this.” Alex bounds over and plucks Naomi off of her victim and carries her right out of the conservatory.

  “And, it looks as if Naomi got exactly what she wanted all along,” I say before turning to Suze. “Naomi is in love with your son.”

  “Well, I certainly don’t approve.” A sarcastic laugh booms from her. “He’ll have to try again, much like Noah.” She averts her eyes.

  Noah groans, “Feel free to leave, Lottie. You don’t need to put up with this.”

  Everett sighs in the woman’s direction. “Suze, do you really want to fracture a relationship with the love of Noah’s life?”

  Her eyes soften for a moment as tears begin to glitter in them. She opens her mouth to say something just as the sound of wild cackling bursts from our right, and I look back to find both Cormack and my mother sitting in Topper’s lap.

  “Oh no, you don’t.” I’m about to get up when Cormack spontaneously evicts herself and slaps Topper across the face. “Good Lord.” At least one of them has common sense.

  She picks up her purse and makes a beeline in this direction.

  Noah moans, “And here we go.”

  She falls into Alex’s seat just as our food arrives and begins gnawing on Alex’s breadstick without missing a beat.

  A dull laugh bounces through me. “Well, wasn’t that the slap that was heard around the world. Let me guess. He’s finally clued you in on his deviant bedroom preferences?”

  Cormack is quick to avert her eyes. “As if anything of that nature could possibly scare me off. It was far worse than that. He suggested I pay for my own dinner.”

  It all makes perfect sense.

  And now I realize how Noah could have gotten rid of her all along. Sure, it would have caused some mild bodily harm, but nothing like wrapping him around a tree while going over eighty miles an hour. It would be just my luck for Cormack to come out unscathed.

  The least the universe could have done was split the injuries between the two. That way Noah might have had a fighting chance.

  “Suzanna.” Cormack glowers at the woman and Suze’s entire body ignites in spontaneous flames—okay, so they’re figurative, but they are there.

  Suze leans in toward the blonde malfeasance that just landed among us, her eyes narrowed in like sharpened spears.

  Noah moans, “Everett, be ready to act. I don’t like where this is going.”

  In one quick move, Suze leans back and smiles our way, her lids shuttering like that of a defunct doll.

  “Everett”—she begins—“I’d like to employ a restraining order against Cormack Featherby, and I’d like to procure one on behalf of my son as well. I need it in place by morning. And if you won’t do it, I’ll find someone who will.”

  Everett offers a disappointed glance to the two of them. “And I will get right on that.”

  “Wow,” Noah muses. “I think Cormack is getting off easy. The last person who called my mother by her given name ended up with their dinner in their lap.”

  “I get it,” I say to the older woman and her eyes dart to mine like a threat. “My name is actually Carlotta, but no one dares call me that. I go by the nickname my adoptive mother gave me, Lottie. So I understand the whole Suze/Suzanna thing. Was that your birth mother’s name, too?”

  All breathing seems to have ceased at the table. Noah gives an exasperated sigh on my behalf, most likely because he can’t do a thing to aid in the situation.

  And then, just like that, Suze’s face softens a touch. She takes a deep breath and nods my way, and I think I may have finally broken through her frosty exterior.

  “That is exactly what happened.” She stands. “Now if you’ll excuse me.” She lands
her hand over the lip of Cormack’s plate—Alex’s as it were—and sends pasta carbonara sailing over her chest.

  Cormack howls as she bounces to her feet, shouting something about a Prada original followed by a string of expletives so salty I think we all lost ten IQ points listening to it.

  “Carlotta.” Suze quickly pulls the same stunt with my own plate, and I’m left wearing my warm, soggy dinner as she takes off in a huff.

  I shrug over at Noah and Everett. “I guess she has a short fuse.”

  Gemma clip-clops her way over in a panic. “Oh, Lottie! You’ve been attacked!” She gasps at Cormack. “There’s been a massacre!” she brays out the words. “Have you been shot? Stabbed?”

  “I’ve been spaghettied,” I say, standing up and the food slides right off of me. Everett stands along with me, our hands still conjoined while he does his best to mop up the mess for me.

  “And the baby?” Gemma does an odd little panicked dance. “Is Everett’s baby all right?”

  Noah’s mouth falls open, his eyes wide with surprise as he looks to Everett and me.

  “Lottie, are you pregnant?” There’s a touch of panic in his voice, and in no way do I want to panic Noah, but a stream of words is piling up in my throat all at once and I can’t seem to get the truth out. “Oh my God, you are.” He takes a staggering step back.

  Gemma wobbles to and fro. “Oh dear, I don’t think I was supposed to say that in front of Noah, was I?”

  Noah closes his eyes a moment. “You don’t have to hide anything from me, Lottie.” His gaze shifts to his old stepbrother. “And neither do you, Everett. Congratulations to you both. I mean that.” His body begins to dissipate, and he glances down at his hands as he evaporates to nothing.

  “Noah, wait!” I call out after him. “Noah, please!”

  Cormack huffs as she works to scrub the food off her dress. “You’d better get her home, Essex. The garlic has gone straight to her head.”

  More like a misconception has gone straight to Noah’s heart.

  I don’t know what’s worse at this point—Noah finding out the fact he’s the father, or letting him believe that Everett is.

  The only thing I do know is, things couldn’t get any worse if they tried.