Pumpkin Pie Parting

by Addison Moore

  The lights begin to dim and I lean in toward Everett.

  “I think you had it wrong, Judge Baxter. In no way could listening to this stuff while seated a stone’s throw from the woman who bore me act like an aphrodisiac. And Mayor Nash, too?” I whisper while pretending to gag.

  Everett grunts as he tucks his lips to my ear. “Good thing I know a naughty story or two I can share once we’re alone.”

  My stomach bisects with heat at the thought, and I offer a wry smile.

  “Now that might work.” Something says there will be no stopping him. “And I guess it could be worse.” I shrug up at him. “My mother could be here.”

  The lights go out before a bunch of hot pink spotlights swirl around the room, and to my horror they shine right over the center of the stage to reveal a ten-foot tall llama with a buck-toothed grin.

  “Can you see me, Lottie?” Gemma brays the words out, and I take up Everett’s hand so he can hear her as well. “I’m having a tough time seeing you because the lights are so bright.” She staggers from one end of the stage to the other just as Jade Pope jumps onto the platform and strides down to the end with her arms held high to the rhythm of a thunderous applause. I get the feeling they get a lot of repeat customers around here. Jade’s dark hair is pulled back, and her skin has an alien-like glow. She’s cute in a girl next-door kind of way with a boxy face and a smile that drifts from ear-to-ear.

  Gemma looks stunned to see the brunette with her hair up in a glossy bun, outfitted in nothing more than a gold bustier with a matching underwear and a white long feathered boa draped around her shoulders.

  “Oh, she’s pretty, Lottie! More people should wear feathers, don’t you think?”

  Everett leans in. “I agree. How about I get you a boa for Christmas?”

  I shoot him a look.

  Jade Pope laughs into the microphone in her hand. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Red Room Playhouse, where we are proud to host open mic night. This evening’s lineup is a crop of writers who bring you their stories hot off the keyboard press. Let’s give it up for our first guest of the night—a midnight mistress who writes under the pseudonym Mirandy Lemonade!”

  “Oh my God.” I don’t believe my ears or my eyes as I spot my bouncy blonde mother jumping out on stage. She gives the audience a quick wave before scuttling next to Jade.

  A couple of stagehands bring out two stools and swing over a microphone on a stand at a comfortable height for my mother.

  “Oh no.” My stomach explodes in a vat of acid at the prospect of what’s about to ensue.

  Mom leans into the mic and titters with laughter. “Good evening, fine people of the playhouse.” Her voice is unusually low and guttural, and it’s only then I note she’s wearing garishly dark red lipstick. She’s donned a fiery red dress for the evening, high neck, tea-length hemline, and a pair of black strappy heels that I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen on her feet before. She very much looks as if she’s about to put on a show, and I very much look like I’m eyeing the exit.

  She shields her eyes with her left hand while her right clutches at what looks to be a three-ring binder. She stops abruptly in her visual hunt once she spots Carlotta.

  “Oh, I’ve got good friends supporting me here tonight, and my sweetheart, too.” She waves to the corner where I spot that silver two-timing fox, Topper Blakley, waving while seated with a seedy blonde dripping off his side like Honey Hollow honey—Cormack. God help us all. “And, of course”—my mother continues to open her volatile mouth—“I have all of you to help quell my nerves. You might say that you will get to see me step into another dimension of my being. I’ve never done this before. I guess it’s kind of exciting to have all of you here to witness my very first time.”

  A round of catcalls and applause breaks out at my mother’s unintentional, or perhaps intentional double entendre.

  I’m not sure if I know Mirandy Lemonade like I thought I did.

  Her eyes hook to mine, and something between a cry for help and the sound you make just before you vomit emits from her.

  Believe me, the feeling is mutual.

  Gemma chortles out a laugh as she hops down from the stage and sits at my feet. “Oh, this should be good, Lottie. I’m sure you’ve heard your mother tell quite a number of bedtime stories.”

  “Yes, but none like this,” I mutter.

  “Oh dear.” Mom bats her hand my way. “I don’t know if I can do this.” She clears her throat into the mic. “My daughter is here,” she snips it out in a fit of frustration as if to say I’ve gone and ruined everything.

  The room fills with boos and hisses, and Jade takes a moment to scowl at me as well.

  Great. There’s nothing like having your overall presence decried by a crowd of horny onlookers.

  Jade leans into the mic a moment. “Mirandy, it’s entirely up to you if you wish to go on. Just know that you have an eager fan base at the ready, and I’m sure everyone in this room would love a copy of your book once it comes out.”

  Mom waves her off, her face turning a perky shade of pink as she giggles like a schoolgirl. The crowd begins to chant and cry out, encouraging her to read the book, read the book.

  “Oh, all right.” My mother bubbles with a laugh as she shrugs to her newfound fans. “Lottie, you’ll have to forgive me. But there comes a time in every child’s life that they need to recognize the fact that mothers are sexual beings.”

  Everett leans in. “No, they don’t.”

  Mom winks my way. “In fact, a lot of these things I’m about to read out loud are a mixture of things that your father and I experienced in our most intimate moments.”

  “Kill me now.”

  Everett gives my hand a squeeze, and I’m hoping that’s a sign he’s willing to comply.

  Mom lifts a finger in the air. “Full disclosure—there’s a bit of every lover I’ve ever been with thrown into the mix. The title of my steamy read is The Pastor Within.”

  Carlotta belts me on the arm as she leans in and whispers, “I bet this is a risqué exposé on that preacher you offed last month.”

  “Great.” I can’t wait to hear all about my mother’s dalliances with that nutcase.

  And hear it I do.

  My mother goes into the grisly details, ad nauseam, for the better part of a half hour before Jade has to cut her off in order to fit in a couple more perverted guests. Soon enough, the showgirls come out and I’m right back to being blindsided as I see my very own sister—half-sister as it were—kicking her scantily clad legs with the best of them.

  Kelleth Nash grins with that fuchsia painted on smile right up until the end, completely oblivious to the fact her father is in the room.

  I suppose my father and I have finally found something to bond over—the fact we’ve seen way too much from the people we love.

  I glance his way, only to find that Mayor Nash is suspiciously missing. My bet is he’s in the bathroom losing his dinner.

  The stage lights come back up, and Jade thanks the audience for being so wonderful—more like green around the gills if you count Mayor Nash and me.

  The showgirls drift down into the audience and begin to mingle with the crowd, and I excuse myself from Everett as I make a beeline for that new sister of mine.

  Kelleth is in the middle of closing a deal with what looks to be a balding big tipper just as I haul her off to the side. Her blonde hair is long and wild, and she’s donned a bit more makeup than I’m accustomed to her wearing to the point where she hardly looks recognizable. Although, maybe that’s the point.

  I yank her well out of his horny midst. “What in the world are you thinking?”

  “Would you let go?” Kelleth pulls away. “I wouldn’t have to resort to dancing for tips if you hadn’t had my fiancé arrested for racketeering.”

  I groan at the memory. “Okay, fine. This is all my fault. But for God’s sake, find another means of employment.”

  Cormack crops up once again where s
he’s not wanted. And how does she always keep doing this?

  “Ignore her, Kelleth.” Cormack does that weird air-kissing thing with my sister. “Laurie is always so ready to judge. But you can’t blame her. The love of our lives is hanging by a thread.” She shrugs it off as if it were no big deal. “Guess what?” She takes up my sister’s hand. “Cressida is coming to town and she’s going to stay with me at that bawdy B&B.” She belts out a husky laugh, and Kelleth gasps as if she’s just gotten the best news ever.

  “Who’s Cressida?” I ask as if I actually cared. Right now, I just want to maintain my position in the conversation.

  Kelleth averts her eyes. “My old college roommate. The three of us have been friends since childhood.”

  Wow, Cormack knew my sisters way back when, and all the while she was dating both Everett and Noah? I guess there really are only six degrees of separation between just about everyone on this spinning blue marble. And with Cormack and me there seems to be less than three.

  Cormack nods as if she heard. “I’m picking her up tomorrow and then we’re doing lunch.” She sneers my way. “She’ll be thrilled to know Essex is still in the vicinity, but she won’t believe for a minute he’s engaged.”

  “Oh?” I muse. “Is she an Essex groupie, too?” It wouldn’t surprise me one bit. Everett bedded his way through all of Vermont before he met me.

  Cormack’s eyes do their best impression of my pinwheel cookies. “You mean to tell me that Essex hasn’t told you about Cressida?”

  First my mother, now this?

  I shake my head at both of them. “No, and I don’t want to know a thing about the woman.” I lean in toward my sister. “Kelleth, you can do better than this. Oh, and your father is here.”

  Her mouth falls open as she quickly scans the vicinity before spotting him with my mother and Carlotta.

  “Oh my God!” Kelleth howls and runs right out the nearest fire exit.

  Before I can gasp or go after her like a good sister would, Gemma clip-clops her way over.

  “Lottie, come quick! Our suspect is leaving.”

  I turn in the direction Gemma’s long neck is pointed and spot Jade already dressed in her street clothes with a purse cinched over her shoulder as she makes her way to the bar. Her dark hair is up in a ponytail and her makeup has been wiped clean. She looks all of twelve and as adorable as can be. I do my best to thread my way through the crowd, only to cut her off at the pass before she makes it to the door.

  “Jade!” I say breathlessly. “That was quite a show.” I drum up a warm laugh as if we were old friends. “Do you think we can talk?”

  Jade wrinkles her nose my way. Those cat eyes of hers glow a brilliant shade of green, and they make me want to bolt out the door and all the way to Honey Hollow General to visit Noah and tell him the truth about our baby.

  “I’m sorry. I’m off for the rest of the night and I’m not into girls. You might try the women at the bar, though. I’ve heard stories.”

  “What?” I jump in front of her as she tries to make her way around me. “No, I’m not here for that. I was in the audience, and I wanted to say hello. Trisha introduced us the night of the charity event. The night—”

  “She was killed!” Her face bleaches white with shock. “I’m sorry. It was such a crazy night. I don’t really remember much from it.”

  “I baked the pies for the event. We were introduced that night. I’m Lottie Lemon.”

  “Oh”—her forehead wrinkles a moment—“that’s right. You were there with Annette and Gerrie.” She rolls her eyes. “And Lou.” She shudders. “So, have they arrested him yet?”

  My mouth falls open. “Annette said the very same thing.”

  A choking sound comes from her. “She never was the brightest bulb,” she says under her breath before clearing her throat. “Up until now, that is. I tried telling her for months that Leo was pulling one over on Trisha. I told Trisha, too. I guess now that the smoke has cleared, and poor Trisha is dead, Annette finally sees the error of her ways.” She glances out the door a moment. “Trisha didn’t know a lot about the man that she believed would become her fiancé.”

  “Oh, I spoke to Leo. My mother—the tall glass of randy Lemonade you had the displeasure to listen to? We took a writing class with him at the library the other day. He just so happened to be the teacher. So, of course, I went up to him after class and we talked about poor Trisha. He said he had a ring to give her and everything. He said he gave it to her daughter instead as a keepsake. He figured Trisha would have wanted it that way.”

  A loud laugh pumps from her, and it catches me off guard.

  “If you believe that, I’ve got some beachfront property to sell you in Ashford. What the good teacher failed to mention was that the ring was never meant for Trisha.”

  “But you said yourself they were about to get engaged.”

  She shakes her head. “Trisha knew he was shopping for a ring. What she didn’t know was that he was having an affair with her daughter. Can you imagine? Carrying on with both of them like that? In my opinion, whoever killed Trisha should have been aiming for Leo and Chanelle instead. They’re nothing but a couple of animals in my book. But then, Chanelle hated her mother so much she would have done anything to make her life miserable, including steal her man. I would have never done that to any member of my family—that is, if I still had a family.”

  I cringe inside because I can feel the words bubbling to the surface. “Jade, what happened to your family?”

  “My parents died a long time ago. It was just my brother and me up until a few months ago and then I lost him, too. But don’t feel sorry for me. I’m soldiering on.” She gives a long blink. “I’ve got this place to keep me busy, and I’m looking to get my real estate license. Sometimes you just have to take what life gives you and make the best of it. Sort of like your mom. She said her tagline is taking life’s lusty lemons and making lemonade.”

  “And, sadly, I can attest she’s done just that.”

  A soft laugh bubbles from her. “It was nice talking to you, Lottie.”

  She takes off before I can ask another question.

  I head back into the theater just as Carlotta and my mother are stepping out.

  Mom wraps her arms around me. “Oh, Lottie! How did I do? At first, I didn’t think I could do it at all with you in the audience. But once I understood that you came out just to lend your support, I knew I couldn’t let you down. I just had to buck up and power through it.”

  “And power through it you did. That was quite descriptive stuff you were saying about Pastor Maines.” She didn’t do a whole lot to disguise his name. It’s not a big leap from Gaines to Maines. “And you certainly didn’t skirt around the bush in that steamy scene that took place in the parsonage.”

  Mom chortles with her fingers pressed to her lips. “Stop it, Lottie. You’re making me blush just thinking about it.”

  Carlotta hacks out a laugh. “Face it, Mirandy. You’re not capable of blushing. We’d better go. Harry dashed out the door once he heard his baby girl made a run for it.” She slaps my mother on the back. “Hey? Maybe if we’re lucky we can mow him down in the parking lot?”

  Mom’s shoulders jump as she laughs. “Now that does sound like fun,” she says as the two of them head off to presumably run over the man who helped land me on this hot mess of a planet to begin with.

  Now to find Everett and vacate the premises.

  Gemma trots up, her neck jutting back and forth in a comical way, and I can’t help but smile at her.

  “Gemma, have you seen Everett?” It’s so crowded in here and the music is still blaring from the speakers, I doubt anyone will care if I’m talking to myself.

  “I’m sorry, dear. That savage looking beast in the corner waylaid me for a moment. I tried my best to get his attention but to no avail.”

  “What beast?” I crane my neck, only to find a set of oversized speakers in the corner with a fuzzy throw over them. “Gemma, that’s a blank
et.”

  She takes a step back and peers that way. “No, not that. The other corner.”

  I look in the other direction and gasp. Next to the wall stands a stuffed white bear with his fangs dripping to a sharpened point.

  Lovely. Makes total sense.

  “Don’t worry, Gemma. He doesn’t know what he’s missing with you. Besides, would you look at all those girls congregating around him?”

  And then it hits me. Those girls aren’t clustering around that ferocious beast. They’re off to the right just a notch, and I bet that’s exactly where I’ll find another sexy beast, the one that belongs to me—sort of.

  I excuse myself and speed in that direction.

  Sure enough, I spot a dark head of hair, and I quickly pluck Everett out of that boil of estrogen, out of the Red Room Playhouse, and straight for the parking lot.

  “Lemon.” Everett wraps his arms around me just before we get into the car. “Did you find anything out?”

  “I found everything out—maybe.” I reach up and give the stubble on his cheeks a quick scratch. “I also found out that you’re still quite irresistible to the masses. But then, I already knew that.”

  A low rumbling goes off in his chest. “I’m not interested in the masses. I’m interested in one woman in particular.” He bows in and gives my lips a chaste kiss. “Now let’s get you home and get those feet up. It’s hot cider for you and a cold shower for me.”

  I give a sad sigh at the thought. “Look at us. I’m knocked up, Noah is all but dead, and you’re miserable.”

  His lips curl at the tips. “It will all work out, Lemon. I promise you that. How about we talk about the case on the way home? That should get our minds off our troubles.”

  “You always have a great solution for things. I think I’m going to keep you around.”

  “You couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

  We talk about the case all the way home. I don’t bring up that woman Cormack and Kelleth were talking about. Crescendo? Chrysanthemum? Oh, who cares.

  Everett says that I couldn’t get rid of him if I tried. But what if this Chrysolite person tried?