At dusk, we walked down to the river. The partyers would be going strong until eleven — quiet time — so now was the best time for a late-night swim. The water, which felt freezing during the day, was surprisingly comfortable at night when there wasn’t a drastic difference between the air and the water temperature. Swimming also brought down my core temperature enough that it didn’t feel so hot when I tent-camped in August.
I built a fire while Kayla quietly watched again, then we spent the evening roasting marshmallows and telling more stories of our childhoods.
“How did you learn how to do all of this?” Kayla asked. “Since your dad has pretty much been nonexistent for the last nine years, I mean.”
I scraped a marshmallow onto a graham cracker along with a piece of a Hershey bar and handed it to her. “We used to do this several times a year when I was really young, and when he pulled into his shell, I started spending time in youth group. One of the pastors would take us to Tennessee for week-long hiking, rafting, and camping trips. If it wasn’t for him, no telling what I would’ve gotten myself into. He was so cool.” I sighed, wondering if I’d upset Kayla by telling her why he was so cool, but decided I wanted her to know. “I even talked to him about Morgan always wanting to have sex. I was so afraid she’d get pregnant, and he’d been so honest and helpful. He recommended abstinence, of course. But also said if I used protection, to be prepared to be a father, as nothing is one-hundred-percent effective. He’d told me that both of his children were the results of using protection. They were married, but he hadn’t planned to have children so young.”
Kayla listened intently. She was always amazing about that. She’d just sit and listen if I rambled on for days, I was pretty sure. I leaned forward and kissed a smudge of marshmallow off the side of her lip. Was it possible that any man loved a woman as much as I loved her?
“I’m glad he was there for you, Jesse. We used to go to church — even after Mom died — but then, Dad just got busy. You’ll be good for him. I worry about him. I don’t understand why he works so hard. We have more than we’ll ever need.”
“Maybe he’s just trying to keep his mind occupied.” I pressed a hand to the side of her face. “If I lost you —” I paused so I didn’t choke on my words. Just the thought of losing Kayla made my insides feel hollow. “I’d probably work myself to death.”
“Oh, Jesse! Don’t say that!”
I shrugged. “It’s true. If he loved your mother even a fraction of how I feel about you, I can definitely understand his need to keep his mind off what he’s lost.” I kissed her quickly before she could say anything else. I didn’t want her upset. “You ready to get cleaned up? Better to take a shower before the mosquitos come out.”
As I waited outside the bathhouse for her to finish, I caught a glimpse of our future. I couldn’t wait until I could hold her in my arms, in our bed, all night, every night.
Silently, a little awkwardly even, we walked back to the tent. I unzipped the screen and held the flap for her to crawl through, then zipped it closed behind me.
She sat down cross-legged on the double-sized foam cushion, then looked up at me curiously.
“I promise I won’t attack you, Kayla,” I teased lightly. She said nothing as she stretched out on her back. I crawled in beside her, lying on my side, one arm propping up my head. I leaned over her and kissed her delicately, then pulled back just a few inches. “Good night, cowgirl. I love you.” It was all I’d do. Then I’d probably lie awake all night, dreaming about the day when I could make love to her.
Kayla grasped onto the back of my head and pulled my mouth back to hers. Her hands tangled in my hair, then moved down my back. She tugged at the bottom of my T-shirt, pulling it up, exposing my back and chest. I submitted to her unspoken request by pulling my shirt over my head. After all, she’d seen me in nothing but shorts many times.
Her hands trailed up my sides. “I love this, these muscles here … the way your shoulders are wide, but then taper down. And the area here …” She ran soft fingers up and down my sides, sending a shiver through my body, even though it was still close to ninety degrees outside.
“Lats,” I said self-consciously. “From all the kayaking.” It thrilled me that she appreciated the effort I put into looking good. I wasn’t naturally well built. I had to overeat to gain weight at all, but then had to make sure I worked out to gain the right kind of weight.
Kayla trailed her fingers along my biceps and then my triceps. “Mmm … nice,” she said on a drawn out breath.
I gulped. This wasn’t good.
With Morgan, it hadn’t been that difficult to resist her, as she simply tempted me with her body, wearing skimpy, tight clothes. Kayla did just the opposite. She didn’t wear clothes that were provocative, which only made me wonder more what was beneath. Instead of trying to subtly brush her body up against mine, she was admiring me, appreciating my body. It was innocent, but at the same time dangerous. I knew she had a great body, and more than anything, I longed to feel it against mine. A surge of pleasure soared through me, so I readjusted myself and gathered her hands between mine. The last thing I wanted to do was get excited and make her uncomfortable.
She wriggled her hands from mine, proceeding to trace my chest, then my abs. Another shiver surged through my body, distracting me. In one blink, Kayla pressed the length of her body against mine.
I closed my eyes, my heart pounding, not wanting to stop her. “Please … Kayla. Don’t do this to me. I want you too much. I can’t tell you how much my body wants to make love to you. Every part of me is crying out to experience you fully. Please, baby, you have to stop.” Every ounce of my soul screamed Yes, while my mind cried No.
She nuzzled her face into my neck as her hands moved up my back, pulling my body tighter against hers. I was wrong … maybe she’s stronger than me, because right now, my muscles felt weak, as if I couldn’t lift them, let alone have the strength to push Kayla away.
“It’s the ideal time, Jesse,” Kayla purred softly in my ear. “I timed it perfectly. There’s absolutely no chance that I’d get pregnant tonight.”
“There’s … always … a chance, Kayla.” Desperation threaded my words. “But this isn’t just about you getting pregnant. I don’t even think that would upset me. I promised your father. And I promised you and myself that we’d wait.”
“But I love you, Jesse, and I’ve committed myself to you.” She tucked her head beneath my chin and pressed tiny kisses down the side of my neck. “What does a piece of paper mean?”
I nudged up her chin and enveloped her mouth with mine. My hands trailed down her waist and over her hips that were covered only by thin cotton, then moved behind her thigh. I wrapped my hand around the back of her knee, and pulled her leg over mine. My mouth moved against hers with more drive. I wanted her. Bad. Her breaths quickened, matching my pace, as her entire body melded with mine, moving together as though we were one life … one breath. She wanted me too.
As much as my insides churned with excitement, my willpower made a sudden comeback as I realized I didn’t want our first time to be like this. Not here! Not tonight! I silently screamed in my head. Be a man, Jesse! Take control of the situation! “I want you, Kayla,” I finally said through her kiss. “And I’ll be thrilled to do this all night long, but we’re not going to make love, our first time, in a tent, with people only yards away. I’m just not that selfish. But this here, now, holding you … this is nice if it doesn’t frustrate you.” I chuckled darkly, attempting to lighten the mood. “However, I promise you, no matter what, you’re not going to change my mind.”
She released a long-suffering sigh. “Really?”
“Really.”
Kayla ran her hands through her hair, then sighed again. “Jesse. About this marrying in September and waiting until June business. I don’t understand. If you want to marry me next month, I think we need to renegotiate. You and my father decided everything, and although you asked for my opinion on your business ch
oices, no one asked what I thought about our marrying situation.” Chin lifted in confidence, Kayla jutted out her lip in her finest southern-girl pout.
I pulled back to take her in, my eyes widening in mock horror. “You don’t want to marry me?”
“You know that’s not what I said! But what’s the sense of getting married if you won’t touch me for nine months?” Her lip protruded out again.
I kissed just her bottom lip, effectively pushing back her pout. “Because I want you to belong to me, officially, at the first possible moment.”
“I am yours, and I want to be yours completely. Besides, I only need four credits. I can take all of them in the fall and have enough to graduate. I could be finished by January!” she proclaimed, a glimmer of excitement lighting in her eyes. “Oh! We could have a Christmas wedding instead.”
I wasn’t sure her father would see it that way, and I really didn’t want to have this discussion tonight. I just wanted to hold her. “Okay, Kayla. But can we discuss this at a more appropriate time? Right now, I just want to hold you and kiss you some more. But please don’t ask me to make love to you. I don’t want to have to keep turning you down.” I kissed her again, cutting off any opportunity for her to argue with me. And when I pulled back, she seemed content. I ran my fingers through her damp curls. “You’re so beautiful, and I swear to you that when we make love, it is going to be special, between a husband and wife.”
“Which will be soon,” she said, then pressed her lips back against mine, cutting off any attempt for me to counter her statement.
Chapter 23 - Jesse
August 23, my eighteenth birthday. Kayla and I spent the entire day scouting places for our wedding and reception.
No matter how many times we tried to tell her father that we wanted nothing more than a simple ceremony with a few family members and friends, he insisted that our wedding be held somewhere grand and gorgeous, in lush gardens or an extravagant church.
“You’re my only child, Kayla,” John said over lunch. “It’s my duty to make this day spectacular. Besides, your momma will kill me when I get to Heaven if I don’t do everything the way she would’ve wanted it.”
After lunch, Kayla took me to see her father’s choice: a grand estate, complete with an extravagant gazebo, enormous fountains, and acres of blooming flowers and shrubs. “What do you think? It’s too much, of course, but Daddy insists, and it is amazing.”
I squeezed her hand. “It’s incredible, Kayla, but try to visualize the lawn with bare trees, the fountains dry so they don’t freeze, and our guests huddled in winter coats. Unless you want to change the wedding date back to June, in that case, it would be perfect.”
“Not a chance!” She snorted. “We’ll just go with elegant black and white, and inside. Thanks for reminding me.” She grinned up at me. “So then our other choice, that historical hotel we stopped by this morning?”
“Perfect.” I was ready to go. “Let’s go, please. I’m exhausted. We have four months to work out the details. I’ll come up the week before and settle in. My dad promised that he’ll have found someone by then, and if not, oh well. I hate to leave him, but my life is with you now, and I don’t want your dad to find someone else to work for him.”
“You’ll be back before then, though, right?”
“What a silly question. I told you I want to marry you the moment you turn eighteen.”
“And, I still can’t persuade you to forget about all this nonsense of waiting until December? We don’t even have to do this second wedding thing. I’ll convince Daddy that we just need to find whatever’s available next month. Not even a month!” she squealed.
“Kayla …” I sighed. “If we did, how could I ever bear to go back to Florida without you? Even for a week, let alone months? As it is, I don’t know how I’ll be able to stand it. I may have to turn right around and come back.”
“Works for me,” she said on a chuckle, but the sound was tense with worry.
“It’s my birthday. Can we do something, since I have to leave tomorrow?” She looked up at me, eyes wide, as if I’d suddenly changed my mind. I’d made it this far. No way would I throw in the towel now. “Can we just be together tonight without any concerns, without any pressure? It’s the end of our perfect summer, and I can’t think of a better way to end it than to stay home curled up watching a movie or just listening to music. Your dad conveniently had to work this evening. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. He trusts us and wants us to be happy.”
“Yes, of course,” she said on a sigh. “I promise not to attack you. Well, maybe a little attacking, but I promise I won’t get carried away.”
I kissed her cheek and exited the truck, locking her inside as I went to pick up our pizza order.
The next morning tears filled her eyes as we said goodbye. “Three weeks, cowgirl, then I’ll be back. Please don’t cry. We’ll be together soon, forever.” I stepped up into my truck. I hated leaving her, but it was the only agreement we could all live with. It was what she’d suggested, what she had said I should do. Now I wasn’t so sure. Maybe I could find a replacement for myself in the next couple of weeks and just come back permanently. My dad could survive without me. I watched in the mirror as she waited for me to pull out of the drive. As always, she afforded me one final wave, but I could see the anguish in her eyes.
Grief spread through me like wildfire as soon as I was out of her sight. I’d reined in my heartache in front of her, not wanting her to be more upset than she already was. I hoped that she didn’t think I was cold. I just suffered so much when she was sad, and to add that additional pain to my already agonized heart, I just wasn’t sure how I could take it.
I tuned the radio to our favorite station, knowing she would’ve already done the same. I’d listen the entire nine hours and pray that the next three weeks were a blur. I’d work every minute of the day if it would smother the pain of what I was getting ready to go through. I’d missed her last time, but we’d only spent a week together at the time, and I hadn’t known her every sound and smile.
We’d spent so much time together over the last few months that every scent and every location I drove by would remind me of her. I’d hold on to the notion that we’d be together in three short weeks, and after that, a longer separation, but at least then she’d be my wife.
Chapter 24 - Kayla
The days blurred, one into the next. I was in school, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I didn’t want to be at school; I didn’t need it. I knew that most women would think I was crazy. They all wanted to be someone, make something with their lives, as if being a wife and mother wasn’t something important. Sure, I could do both, but I didn’t want to. Ever since my mom died, all I had realized was how short life was. Why would I want to spend my life trying to climb a corporate ladder?
I had no brothers or sisters. The only family I had, other than my father, was a day away. From the moment I’d laid eyes on Jesse, everything I wanted had been crystal clear. I wanted to get married, I wanted someone to love me forever, and I wanted children. Of course, I didn’t talk about this with my friends. Not because I was embarrassed, but because they didn’t understand.
Several girls I knew had gotten pregnant this year, but that’s because they wanted to prove something to their boyfriends, or they were drunk when they had sex and all concerns had gone out the window.
As much as I wanted children, I didn’t think I was ready for that commitment yet. Jesse had said he wouldn’t have even cared if I’d gotten pregnant. That had shocked me, since sometimes he looked at me as if to say, Why do you love me? I wanted to grab him when he did that, shake him, and somehow penetrate that thick skull of his and convince him what a catch he was. He’d been unloved for so long, he couldn’t believe that someone was capable of loving him.
Well, I’d show him. I’d stood my ground when my father started showing me houses. I didn’t want a new house or even a large one; I wanted something that needed work, something with r
oom to grow. A house with property for my horses and even better, a place Jesse would view as his dream home.
Jesse had enough money saved that we could have bought a house on our own, and we would’ve made it just fine without my father’s help. But my father wanted to give us a wedding gift that was more than a house, he’d explained. He wanted to give us time. Time to be together, for Jesse not to work as hard as my father had when he and my mother had married.
He promised me that he was going to teach Jesse everything he knew about our business, but most of all he wanted to teach him how to know when it was time to go home and be a husband. The work would always be there tomorrow.
I had hugged my father tightly. How many dads would understand this situation? I could see in his eyes that he was almost as excited about Jesse returning as I was; Jesse was already like a son to him.
Jesse had agreed to take more time off when he came up for my birthday. My dad wanted to spend a few days driving him around, showing him the area, and explaining what his job would entail. He hadn’t been too pleased when he found out that Jesse’s dad wanted him to stay until Christmas, but I had explained that it was my suggestion to give him this one final request. It was more about time with his son than about work. Jesse’s dad hadn’t been paying attention to him growing up, and I believed that when Jesse approached him with the announcement he was leaving, it’d sparked a fire in his dad’s heart. Jesse said his dad had been more of a father to him in the last few months than he’d been in the last nine years.
Jesse had called me the previous evening when he left his house, but said he wouldn’t call again so that I could get my rest. As if I could sleep. He was driving all night to get here. Why should I rest, when he hadn’t?
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