Whatever for Hire

by RJ Blain

  “I don’t want you to drown while I’m seducing you.”

  “Shallow water nookie was an option!”

  “Next time—after you learn how to swim.”

  “You are such an incredible jerk, Malcolm.”

  He smirked at me, linked his arm with mine, and pulled me away from the water. “I’m starting to think you want the ocean nookie even more than I do.”

  “Jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk,” I muttered.

  “That I am. The water can wait. Don’t worry, I’ll make it up to you as soon as I get you home.”

  I bet he would.

  The dragon’s rampage lit the entirety of Savannah on fire, leaving our stretch of beach as the only safe haven. While the city burned, the mummies found a way to avoid the flames. Burrowing where the sea and sand met, they left a trench which the waves filled with water. I leaned over, narrowing my eyes where the trench turned into a tunnel heading inland.

  Malcolm joined me, clucking his tongue. “I almost feel sorry for her.”

  “Why?”

  “I would’ve just killed her. Those mummies will make her suffer for a long time. For some reason, I don’t think mercy is in their dictionary, Kanika.”

  He was probably right. “Maybe I should have set some limits.”

  “And pissed off three ancient mummies itching for a fight because you stole their thunder? No. Caitlin reaped what she sowed, and she deserves everything those mummies put her through.”

  Once again, he was probably right. “This is such a mess.”

  “The news reports are going to be interesting in the morning, that much is for certain. My employees are going to find out Savannah was wiped out and flip.”

  “Maybe you should call someone and tell them you weren’t eaten by a dragon.”

  “If I call them, I’ll have to explain I need to update my DBA accounts, then they’ll start asking questions, then they’ll demand evidence there’s actually a woman in my life, and then they’ll start hunting you in packs, and I don’t feel like sharing you with anyone yet.” Malcolm scowled.

  “Why do I have a feeling they actually believe you ran away from work?”

  “I didn’t run away. I did take a few days off to scout the situation here in Savannah.”

  “And served as my accomplice in blowing it to—”

  Something exploded in the heart of the city, and with a headache-inducing shriek, the dragon rose into the sky before swooping down and breathing flames on what hadn’t already been turned to ash. I sighed, hung my head, and wondered if I’d be held responsible for the destruction.

  For some reason, I doubted Satin would foot the bill without one hell of a fight.

  “I’m pleased to announce that there will be a lot of viable land for construction in the very near future, and there will be limited demolition and removal costs. If I get yelled at, you’ll have to make me feel better later.” Malcolm pulled out his phone, grumbled a few curses, and dialed a number. “It’s Malcolm. I’m going to need you to do a check into real estate insurance companies in Savannah, Atlanta, and Augusta—”

  The dragon breathed more flame, something else exploded, and a fine powdery ash rained down on us.

  “I’m fine, really. As I was saying, I need to see if there are any insurance companies heavily working in those cities who are staging a buyout. I want a good rate for the policies—and the companies, if possible. I’ll also need sufficient employees to handle claims. There’ll be a lot of them.”

  A third explosion shook the ground, and even the waves recoiled from the dragon’s relentless hunger.

  “Yes, I’m still fine. I’m pretty sure my rental isn’t, though. No, I’m not worried. It’s just a dragon.”

  “Just a dragon?” a woman screeched on the other end of the line.

  Malcolm scowled and pointed his phone at me. “See? You’re getting me in trouble. I told you I’d get in trouble if I called.”

  Since he’d put the phone in my easy reach, I snatched it out of his hand, put it to my ear, and said, “I’m so sorry for him, ma’am. He’s an idiot.”

  I grinned at the stunned silence.

  The woman cleared her throat. “Excuse me, ma’am, but who are you?”

  “Kanika. I’m Malcolm’s guardian so he doesn’t get eaten by a dragon. Honestly, I think I deserve a raise.”

  While my husband wrinkled his nose at me and grunted his displeasure, the woman laughed. “I’m Sophie, Mr. Malcolm’s secretary.”

  “If he’s anywhere near as insufferable at work as he is at home, you probably deserve a raise, too.”

  I wasn’t sure what to make of Sophie’s silence, and just as I was beginning to believe the line had gone dead, Malcolm’s secretary chuckled. “I was wondering when he’d finally get around to taking a new woman home with him. How long do you plan on sticking around, Miss Kanika?”

  Maybe giving Caitlin to the mummies hadn’t been punishment enough. “My adoptive father would probably kill him if I let him go, so I think I’m stuck with him.”

  “Stuck?” Malcolm crossed his arms, his eyes narrowed. “You think?”

  “Dare I ask?” His secretary sounded worried.

  “Don’t worry about it. Malcolm’s going to be busy for a few days, as we’re stuck in Savannah until the dragon either gets bored and leaves or finishes devouring what’s left of the city.” I shrugged despite knowing the woman couldn’t see me. “He’s going to be busy.”

  “Doing what?” Sophie screeched. I held Malcolm’s phone away from my ear as the woman launched into a shrill tirade on where Malcolm should have been, what he needed to be doing, and how it wasn’t wise for anyone’s health to stay near a city being consumed by a dragon.

  “I told you calling was a bad idea,” he muttered.

  I roared, and Sophie’s rant ended in a startled squeak. “That’s better. I’ll make sure he’s returned to you in pristine condition, Miss Sophie.”

  “Who the hell do you think you are?”

  Malcolm’s expression turned cold and hard, and I laughed. “His wife.”

  I enjoyed the stunned silence and hung up before she could recover. Sighing, Malcolm took his phone back. “You’re a terrible person sometimes, Kanika.”

  “Only sometimes? Have you already forgotten I kidnapped you for the equivalent of pocket change to a rich guy like you?”

  “I’m tempted to hire you to kidnap me every time we need a vacation.”

  “Or we could just go on a vacation.”

  “And miss the chance to see you bent over an engine again?”

  Malcolm’s phone rang, and he answered, “Sorry about that, Sophie. I’ve reclaimed my phone from the troublemaker. I’m going to send you some requests tomorrow for paperwork I’ll need filed in addition to the real estate insurance company scouting. I’m also looking to buy out any promising lots in the cities I mentioned earlier; I’m in a new partnership deal that should open up a lot of opportunities for the company in the next few years, so we need to make a land grab now while the properties are hot.”

  I groaned and shook my head in disgust.

  Malcolm frowned. “What?”

  Pointing at the burning city of Savannah, I glared and waited for him to figure it out.

  “Crap. Sorry. I’ll call you back later, Sophie. My wife’s looking a wee bit miffed with me.” He disconnected the call and held his hands up in surrender. “It wasn’t on purpose!”

  “And you called me a terrible person.”

  “Would renegotiating the terms of some shoreline shenanigans absolve me of my sins?”

  “Shenanigans? Is that what we’re calling it now? What happened to ocean nookie?”

  “Shoreline shenanigans has a much better ring to it.”

  “What happened to no shoreline shenanigans without learning how to swim first?”

  “It’s your fault you’re so pretty when you get hissy at me.”

  “You need your head examined, Malcolm.”

  “Does that
mean no shoreline shenanigans?”

  Making him wait for an answer put me in the terrible person category, but I enjoyed his fidgeting too much for my own good. “Well, it’s not like we can go anywhere or do anything for a while, so we may as well fill—”

  Malcolm pounced.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  At the rate Malcolm kept destroying his clothes shifting from man to a headstrong, stubborn, obnoxious stallion determined to drive me into the water, I’d go broke buying him clothes. At least fortune smiled on me; the dragon hadn’t completely annihilated the boardwalk, so I was able to pilfer something for him to wear when he got around to shifting back to human.

  I wasn’t holding my breath, which factored into my current status as the victor of our odd dispute. He’d knocked me into the surf once, and after I spent ten minutes choking and coughing, he’d settled with feigned attempts to herd me into the sea.

  We needed to have a long talk about his idiocy when sporting hooves. During the discussion, I wouldn’t tell him how pretty he was, his gray coat toned with blue with the faintest sheen of green. I definitely wouldn’t inform him I intended to drag him to the beach every chance I got so I could admire the scenery, which would include him. Man or beast, I won either way.

  Malcolm took hold of the back of my shirt in his teeth and followed me while I carried his newly pilfered clothes under an arm. “What do you think you’re doing?”

  He snorted at me, bumping my back with his nose. As I wasn’t fluent in demon horse, I sighed over my own idiocy for even attempting to talk sense into him. Aware he’d shove me back in the ocean if I gave him the opportunity, I angled away from the shore.

  A figure stepped over the grassy bank above and waved. “Are you aware you have an attachment?”

  The attachment snorted his displeasure, released my shirt, and draped his head over my shoulder, blowing more air while he flattened his ears and bared his teeth. I lifted my hand and rubbed Malcolm’s nose. “He gets a little jealous sometimes.”

  “Kelpies usually do. Where on Earth did you find one?”

  “I kidnapped him and made him take me home with him. I felt sorry for him, so I decided to keep him.”

  “You lead a very strange life, Kanika.”

  “Says the man who has a pet dragon.”

  “I wouldn’t call him my pet.”

  “Are you his pet, then?”

  “That’s fairly accurate. I consider myself fortunate he allowed me to ride rather than carrying me here by my britches. He expresses his gratitude for his meal.”

  “Meals. He has two more cities to visit. I hope he’s hungry.”

  Hagnar blanched. “Indeed.”

  For once in my life, I had won the advantage over the black market operator. I considered the bracelets Malcolm and I wore, and I wondered if Hagnar had any idea he’d been played by the devil, too. “Where’d you get the suppression bracelets you sold me?”

  “I’d rather not talk business in front of an outsider.”

  “The outsider is the devil’s son-in-law. I’m sure he won’t bother your operations much. That, plus he’ll probably end up funding some of my shopping trips.”

  “A buyer sold them to me a week before your job popped up.”

  “Satin, you piece of shit!” I yowled, stomping my foot in the sand.

  The devil appeared with a flash of light and brought the stench of brimstone with him, and as though sensing he’d have an audience, he’d come in his full glory, sheathed in flame instead of clothing. “You called, cupcake?”

  “You, sir, are a jerk.” I wondered if shoving him into the ocean would do any good, but considering Savannah had already been razed, I wasn’t eager to kill anything else, not even some poor fish. “You knew about the contract, didn’t you?”

  “I may have greased some wheels to make certain you were the one approached for the job, and as I knew your friend here was your most reliable contact for illegal goods, I thought I’d make myself useful. I gave him a very good deal on the bracelet.”

  To his credit, Hagnar didn’t even flinch when the devil appeared, although he did sigh. “What trouble have you gotten me into now, Kanika?”

  “You’re the pet of a dragon. You got yourself into plenty of trouble without my help.”

  Hagnar eyed the devil. “Was waking the dragon your plan all along?”

  Satin smiled, and then he disappeared in a flash of silver light.

  “I’m going to take that as a yes,” the black market operator murmured. “I don’t know what he was working for, but I think he came out the victor of that round. The mold’s been broken. He’s claimed himself an heir, choosing a daughter instead of the son everyone expected. He has secured this era of magic, too. I shouldn’t be surprised that the magic won’t fade from the world again, not for a long time.”

  I pressed my back against Malcolm’s warm chest, stroking his nose. “I’m not sure what you mean. Can’t you just give me a straight answer for once?”

  Laughing, he shook his head. “I should refuse on principle since you’re not paying me.”

  “You’ll enjoy spending my money again soon enough, I’m sure.”

  “I expect so. You’re going to be doing the devil’s dirty work for him. You’ll need my services, and often.”

  “Give me a straight and true answer.”

  “The dragons only awaken when there’s enough magic in the world to sustain them. They know. They always do. And when the magic begins to fade from the world, they’ll be the first to return to their slumber. Watch the dragons, if you can find them, and heed my words, Kanika. This is only the beginning.”

  The beginning of what, I wasn’t certain, although the world wasn’t going to end, not yet. I’d ensured that much, although I remained baffled over what my role had been in the end game. One moment defined me, and I’d likely never learn which moment had done the trick.

  Malcolm snorted and rubbed his head against my chest.

  “Three days,” Hagnar announced.

  “Three days?”

  “That’s how long it’ll take for him to raze all three cities. After, I expect he’ll go back to sleep for a while. A week, two weeks, maybe more. If we’re lucky, we’ll count his slumber in years.” Hagnar narrowed his eyes, his gaze fixed where the dragon swooped, blew flame, and disappeared into the smoke. “We may all regret this.”

  I could imagine why. If a single dragon could devour three cities in three days, I didn’t want to know what else one could do. “You may be right, but I think it’s preferable to the premature end of days.”

  He hummed. “Yes, I suppose you’re right. But all things come to an end. It’s just a matter of when.”

  Malcolm stretched out his head and snapped his teeth at Hagnar, who lifted his hands in surrender.

  “I think your kelpie disagrees with me. I recommend you leave before the dragon forgets humans aren’t food. He always has a wretched appetite when he first gets up. He’ll remember soon enough humans have other purposes.”

  After my lessons on kelpies, I had a few ideas what other uses dragons might have for humans, but I decided I just didn’t want to know how it worked. If kelpies could wander around as humans, then I saw no reason dragons couldn’t. Who was I to judge?

  I was a sphinx, and I’d married a man-eating horse.

  “How do you propose that?”

  Hagnar pointed at Malcolm. “Ride him. He won’t mind. Just stick near the shore until you’re well away from the city. Go on home, Kanika, wherever that is.”

  It occurred to me, that thanks to Malcolm, I did have a home, although it currently suffered from an infestation of rowdy succubi and incubi. “I think we’ll take a vacation somewhere quiet. Hey, do you happen to have any devil repellent?”

  “Salt,” the black market operator replied. “It sometimes helps. But with the sort of devil problem you have, I recommend surrender. You’ve already lost that war.”

  So I had, but I didn’t mind.

&nbs
p; Malcolm was worth it.

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  About the Author

  RJ Blain suffers from a Moleskine journal obsession, a pen fixation, and a terrible tendency to pun without warning.

  * * *

  When she isn't playing pretend, she likes to think she's a cartographer and a sumi-e painter.

  * * *

  In her spare time, she daydreams about being a spy. Should that fail, her contingency plan involves tying her best of enemies to spinning wheels and quoting James Bond villains until she is satisfied.

  * * *

  RJ also writes as Susan Copperfield and Trillian Anderson.

  If you enjoy using bookbub, you can follow RJ and her alter ego Susan there.

  thesneakykittycritic.com

  Magical Romantic Comedies (with a body count)

  Playing with Fire

  Hoofin’ It

  Hearth, Home, and Havoc

  Whatever for Hire

  Serial Killer Princess

  No Kitten Around (Late 2018)

  Saddle Up (2019)

  Grave Humor (May 2019)

  Dragon Her Heels (Late 2019)

  From Witch & Wolf World

  Series: Witch & Wolf

  Inquisitor

  Winter Wolf

  Blood Diamond

  Silver Bullet

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  Series: Wolf Hunt

  Wolf Hunt (2018)

  Wild Wolf (2019)

  The Edge of Midnight (2020)

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  Series: Nature of the Beast

  Pack Justice

  Dual Nature (TBD)