It begins with goodbye

by R. S James

  God, I’m so sorry, Mom. I wish I could make you come back to me. I’m so angry.

  She was literally the kindest person ever. Why do all of the bad things keep happening to me? I work my ass off and take care of my kids, but I can’t catch a break. She was more than my mom, she was my best friend, and my person. The one I call when something goes right or even wrong. She was my everything, and now, she’s just gone.

  The knock comes again, bringing me out of my thoughts. Time to be an adult. Thankfully, it’s just my neighbor, telling me he can watch the house, while we are gone. We are leaving around four a.m., so Caitlynn can sleep for a while.

  I send Maddox a text, as we get ready to leave. I wish I could ask him to join us, but it’s so last minute, and he must work. Speaking of work, when I call to let them know what has happened, they give me three weeks off to get everything taken care of. I miss my mom so much already. Xavier asks if I want him to drive, and Carson snickers, telling him to get in the back with Carly.

  “Well, she is upset, so I don’t want her to have a breakdown, while driving.” Xavier states almost apologetic.

  “I have to drive, so I focus on not having a breakdown.” I wrap my arms around him, “Thank you. Not only for offering to drive, but also for coming with us. I know Carly is going to need you.”

  My Escape has three rows, so the very back is where Carly and Xavier are sitting, Caitlynn is in the middle, and Carson is up front with me. Looking in my rear-view mirror, I have to laugh because everyone, but me, has their ear buds in listening to something different. We drive for about five hours, before I need to stop and change Caitlynn and feed everyone.

  ******

  Finally arriving at Mom’s house, I walk in, expecting to see her walk out of the kitchen and meet us at any second. In my head, I know she will never do that again, but my heart is a completely different matter.

  The next day I go to the funeral home, finding out she had her funeral pre-arranged. It’s times like this I wish I had my sister to ask for help to make decisions, like keeping the house, clothes, and personal belongings. Carly and Carson have Caitlynn for the day, as I have no idea how long I’m going to be.

  After running around for most of the day, I finally get back to the house, seeing Colton standing outside. Great, just what I fucking need today. “Oh, Claire. I’m so sorry about your mom. You know I loved her, as if she were my own.”

  “Yes, Colton I do know. You can show your appreciation tomorrow at the viewing. If you will excuse me, I need to take care of some other things, before my kids get back.”

  “Well, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. I want to see all of my kids.”

  “I’m going to be honest with you here, okay? Carson and Carly are both over eighteen, so I can’t make them do anything. Also, you and Clarissa signed away all of your rights to Caitlynn, so you have no right to even think of her as yours.”

  “This is exactly why I had to turn to other women, including your sister. You’re such a bitch to me. Caitlynn is my daughter, and if I decide I want to see her, I should be allowed to, as well as Carly and Carson.”

  Just then, Carson walks around the corner of the house. “Mom, I called Carly and asked her to take Caitlynn to the park, until we come to get them.” He makes sure I’m okay, and then he turns on his dad.

  “Colton, you need to back the fuck away from my mom right now. You lost all respect from me, when you cheated her and got Aunt Clarissa pregnant. If that wasn’t bad enough, you go and make things even worse by signing Caitlynn away, as if she is nothing more than a junk car or something that you decided you didn’t want anymore. Here is a newsflash for you, we are humans. We deserve more from you than when you decide you want to play at being a parent. Now, I think it’s time for you to go. Have a safe trip home.”

  Carson wraps his arm around me, as we walk in the house. He shuts the door behind us, keeping his arms wrapped around me. “I’m sorry he was here today.”

  “No need for you to apologize, baby. His actions are on him. What do you say we go get your sisters, and then go find some food?”

  After picking the girls up, we head to one of my favorite restaurants. Walking inside, I’m hit with tons memories. It’s good and bitter sweet all at the same time.

  Finally, we arrive back at Mom’s house for the night. I toss and turn with thoughts of what I could have done differently. Should I have stayed here in Michigan? Should I have pushed her to stay with me? I shouldn’t have added more stress on her for the way Colton and Clarissa acted.

  I finally get up, knowing that I’m not going to sleep anyway, and I start going through Mom’s closet. Jeez, she has a lot of clothes. Most of which, I’m going to donate to the local women's shelter. I guess these next few days are strictly up to me.

  ******

  It’s time for my mom’s viewing, and I want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry all day. I don’t want to do this. I want her to still be here, but I know she would want me to put on a brave face. Pulling the dress over my head, I slip my feet into the ballet flats and go get Caitlynn ready. This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I’m only a quarter of the way done with it.

  Caitlynn has been pretty good in the stroller with her toys, and Carly has been with her most of the day. Finally, I’m through with visitation today, and now, the next step is not breaking down tomorrow. I don’t know how to say goodbye to her, and I don’t want to. How do I leave the cemetery, knowing that she won’t be coming with me? My ringing phone brings me back to reality, and I look down, seeing it’s Maddox. I wonder how he knew I needed to talk to him?

  “Hello.” “Hey babe. How are you?”

  “Honestly?”

  “Yes, please.”

  “I’m a basket case, and I’m not sure I’m going to survive this.”

  “I’m so sorry you are going through this.”

  “I know, and I’m sorry for being such a baby. I just wish you could be here with me, but I know you need to be there for work.”

  “What if I could be there with you? Would you be mad at me?”

  “No, I’d be so happy that I’d have someone to lean on.”

  “Well, in that case, I’m in your driveway now. Carson called me, and here I am.”

  Pulling into the driveway, I slam the truck in park and run into his arms. For the first time, since I got the call about my mom, I feel safe. I’m on an emotional overload. “Maddox, you have no idea how happy I am to see you and to have you here with me for tomorrow. I’m not going to lie. I’m probably going to be a hot mess.”

  He wraps his arms around my neck and presses my face up with his thumbs. “You have a right to be upset, but you are my hot mess, and I don’t care.” Hearing someone clear their throat, I feel Maddox tense up. I’m afraid to turn and look, but my curiosity gets the best of me. When I do turn, I wish I wouldn’t have.

  “What the fuck do you want now, Colton. I thought we went over everything yesterday.”

  “I was hoping we could talk and try to make things work out between us. I was wrong, and I know it. I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, my God. Are you serious, right now? We are over, and you are married again to my twin, whom you had a baby with, and then signed her over, like she was a piece of garbage. There is nothing for you and me to ever even think of making work. We are so done.”

  “We were so good together, and we had a lot of more good times than bad. Can’t we give it one more time for the kids?”

  “No, Colton. I’m done. We had more good times than bad because I choose to ignore all the bad times and not dwell on them. I’m with Maddox now, and no, I won’t leave him and give you another chance. I don’t cheat either. That is your specialty. I’m going to lay my cards out for you right here and right now. So, please listen and listen well, as I don’t want to see you ever again. I would rather spend an hour in his arms than a year with you, because with him, I know where
I stand, and that is right next to him. The very best place in the world to be is in the arms of someone who will not only hold you at your best, but they will pick you up and hug you tight at your weakest moment. And yes, I have that with Maddox. You made choices that affected everyone’s lives, yet you want everyone to feel sorry for you. I feel nothing for you, which is very sad, and you would think, after being married to you for years, that I’d feel something, but there is nothing. I hope you can fix your relationship with Carly and Carson, but you and I will never be anything. As for Caitlynn, you signed her away, so again, that ship has sailed. I would say I wish you the best, but I don’t wish you anything. I just want you out of our lives. You nor Clarissa neither one showed up for the visitation, and I doubt you will for the funeral, so it’s best to leave now and never come back here.”

  While holding hands with Maddox, we walk in the house, and Caitlynn comes running for both of us. “Mommy and Mad, I missed you guys. You were gone forever.” I pick her up, squeezing her tight, as I shut the door with Colton standing there watching the whole thing. Hopefully, the door to the past is shut permanently.

  ******

  Today is the day we lay my mom to rest, and I feel like I’m having an out of body experience. This should not be happening to me. As quietly as possible, I go to the bathroom, lock the door, turn the Spotify on, get in the shower, and cry. I’m not sure how long I stay in there, before I feel his arms around me, holding me, rocking me, and whispering that everything will be okay. Finally, I’m all cried out, and we get out and dry off. “Wait, I locked the door.”

  Looking at Maddox, I raise my eyebrow, “Babe, a butter knife will open locks. Besides, are you really mad? I felt like you needed me more than you needed to be alone.” How does always know exactly what to say?

  “I just don’t know what to do. Do I keep this house or sell it? What about all the stuff she has?”

  “Babe stop stressing. Didn’t you say you go see her lawyer in the morning? We’ll see what her wishes were, and then we will go from there, okay?”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  I blow dry my hair out, put my dress on, a small amount of makeup, and then straighten my hair, well what I can reach, and Carly does the rest. Once we reach the funeral home, I head to the front to see her one more time. I know she can’t hear me, but I tell her everything that’s happened, how I’m feeling, and how much I wish she was back.

  The funeral director comes over, telling me people are starting to show up. “Well Mom, here we go. I hope you know that I will always love you, and please, take care of us down here.” After that, I kinda go into auto pilot mode.

  We greet people, who cared so much about my mom, and they tell us some stories about her. Once it’s time to go, I’m still standing at the head of her coffin, when Carson walks up to me. “Come on, Mom. We have to go to the cemetery now.”

  We head to the graveside service, and then everyone leaves to go to a luncheon. I don’t care about food right now. I just want to stay here. I stand here for I don’t know how long in the pouring rain just looking at the stone she shares with my dad. I’m left with guilt that she’s gone, and I’m still here. I feel lost because she was more than my mom she was my best friend, and the last family I had left. Maddox comes over under an umbrella, holding Caitlynn, snapping me out of my little moment. “I guess it’s time for me to go, Mom. I’m sorry, and I love you.”

  Once we reach the luncheon, everyone stops me, trying to talk, and Caitlynn is getting cranky. Maddox notices, and he takes her to play in the back corner. After visiting for a while, I start to feel bad. I’m shivering, sneezing, and coughing, and I just want to go lay down. After we make it home, Caitlynn and I curl up, watching a movie together. I lean my head back, closing my eyes for a second, and the next thing I know, someone is taking Caitlynn from me, and I have something shoved into my mouth.

  “It's okay. Carly is putting Caitlynn in her bed, and I’m taking your temp. I’ve noticed you aren’t feeling too good,” Maddox whispers.

  Of course, I have a temp of one hundred and one point nine, so I take two Tylenol, and Maddox draws me a bath. I’m only in there about ten minutes, and then I’m done. I feel the exhaustion taking over my body, and I’m not sure, if I’m strong enough to make it out of the bathroom.

  Maddox hears me and comes to help. I get into bed, but I keep waking myself up shivering. The next morning I’m no better, so Carly calls my old family doctor, and he gets me in, so I can get some medicine. Maddox takes me, and they send me for a chest X-ray. I have a sinus infection and pneumonia, and believe me, my body is feeling it. Once I get a shot of antibiotic in my hip, and then two more for home, I get ready to head to the lawyer’s office.

  Claire

  When we get to the office, I find out that anything that Carly, Carson, or myself doesn’t want is to be sold, including the house. The money is going to be split between me and the kids. I also get a huge shock, when I find out my mom has a life insurance policy, and she has already set up an account for each of the kids with the same amount of money. Apparently, I’m now one hundred thousand dollars richer. I don’t know if it’s the sickness or the shock of the money, but I pass completely out.

  I don’t know how long I’m out, but when I wake up, Maddox is leaning over me, making sure I’m okay. Finally, opening my eyes, I whisper, “Did that really just happen?”

  “Which part? You inheriting money, passing out, or being sick? The answer is all of the above, so I think it’s time for me to get you home and in bed.”

  The lawyer says, “I will have all the paperwork ready to be signed on Monday morning.”

  “I have one request, before we go. I would like the money from all sales to be divided equally between the women’s shelter and for children in foster care please.” My mother was very active in the women’s shelter by cooking food, buying blankets, and spending the night to help out the workers. Children in foster care was something dear to her, as she was a child in the system, until she was eighteen.

  “I’ll get that written into the paperwork as well.”

  “Okay, sounds good, and I’ll have her here.”

  When we finally get home, he again draws me another bath, because I’ve been sweating so much. When I’m done, he helps me in the bed and gives me my meds. I also manage to eat a couple of crackers, before I fall sleep.

  I wake up the next morning in a sweaty and sticky mess. Looks like the fever is still breaking. I roll out of bed, looking at Maddox, and he looks tired. I decide not to wake him, as I get in the shower. I’m feeling a little better, but I’m still so exhausted. I don’t even have the energy to rinse the shampoo out of my hair. Lucky for me, Maddox steps in to help me. “Babe, why didn’t you wake me?”

  “I’m sorry. You looked so tired, and I thought I’d be okay.”

  “You know I’d have gotten up and helped you.” He sits me down on the bench, rinsing my hair, while I try to wash my body. Finally, he takes the washcloth and finishes, and then rinses me from head to toe. I watch, as he washes his body, and then gets out. He wraps the towel around me and puts me in the chair, while he changes the sheets and pillow cases. He helps me get dressed, and then I eat some soup, take my meds again, and then go right back to sleep.

  I feel Caitlynn climb next to me, as I open my eyes, and Maddox is lying in bed with us watching Paw Patrol. I move, and she sees I’m awake, and her smile takes up her whole face. We lay in bed all day watching cartoons and just hanging out. It’s exactly what I need. Carly, Carson, and Xavier join us as well, and I manage to eat dinner at the table with everyone. I try to give Caitlynn a bath, and I’m good for most of it, until it’s time to take her out. Maddox helps, and together we take her to bed.

  Lying in bed with Maddox, later that night, he whispers, “I really like this.” Giving him a questioning look, he continues, “Me being here with you all the time. I’d like to wake up to your face every morning and go to sleep next to
you every night. I think I’m falling in love with you, Claire.” He softly says, kissing my lips.

  “First, thank you for taking such good care of me the last few days. I honestly couldn’t have done it without you. Second, I also like you being here with me, so maybe, you can move in with Caitlynn and me? Carly lives with Xavier, and Carson has his own place.”

  Placing his forehead on mine, he whispers, “Are you sure? I don’t want my heart to be broken.”

  “I can’t promise I’ll never hurt you, or make you angry, because I will. I can promise to be faithful and to always tell you, if I don’t like something. I wouldn’t ask you to move in, if I wasn’t sure. I’m falling for you and Caitlynn loves you, so we want you here.”

  As I’m dozing off, I hear, “When we get married, would you be okay with me adopting Caitlynn, and us raising her as our own?”

  “Of course, I want you to adopt her and give her your last name.”

  “Babe, it’s going to be our last name.”

  I can’t believe after I spent so many years with an ass-hat that I’ve finally found my prince charming. As I lay here in his arms, I realize for the first time in my life I feel cherished. It’s the best feeling in the world.

  Monday morning, I wake up, feeling so much better. Maddox and I go to the lawyer’s office to sign everything, and then we are headed back home. I wanted to get everything done in Mom’s house this week, but it looks like it’s going to take a while to finalize everything.