It begins with goodbye

by R. S James

  I wake up the next morning and freak out because Maddox is still in bed. “Calm down, babe. I’m on nights for the rest of the week.” Then I realize that I haven’t heard Caitlynn. Rolling to get out of bed, Maddox tightens his arm around me. “She is already at daycare, so I need to go back to sleep.” He sets the alarm for noon, which will give me plenty of time to get to my appointment on time.

  After all the thoughtfulness he has shown me this morning, I think he deserves a reward. So, I slide down, taking him into my mouth. He only lets me play for a minute, before he picks me up and sets me down on his cock, and I ride him hard. We are both sated and fall right back asleep.

  When the alarm goes off, we get up and shower, and I get ready to go. I ask him if he wants to go with me, and he jumps at the chance. Once we get there, I’m so glad he came with me. I guess life isn’t quite done fucking with me yet. “When we did your physical, I felt a lump, which caused me some concern. So, that’s why we did the CT scan and more blood work. We have the results in, and you have what is called epithelial cell tumors on your ovaries. This is the most common type of ovarian cancer in women. The good news is so far it hasn’t travelled outside of your ovaries. So, I need to send you to an oncologist for further treatment, okay? I’m sorry. I know this is a lot to take in at one time.”

  “Yeah, it’s a lot, but it has to be okay. I mean, I can’t freak out because I have a three-year-old at home, and two kids in college. So, let’s get this scheduled and going.” Checking out, the nurse tells me, “They have made you an appointment with the local oncologist, and it’s for tomorrow at two forty-five in the afternoon.”

  I thank her, and we leave. I honestly don’t know how to feel, or even what to feel. I do know I’m very pissed. I mean, I just found Maddox and Caitlynn, and, now, I could die and leave them all alone. I can see Maddox’s lips moving, but I don’t hear what he’s saying I’m so lost in my own head. Looking at where my speedometer is, I see a picture of Carly, Carson, and Caitlynn all together, and it sends so many emotions through me at once.

  I know Xavier will take care of Carly, but she’s still broken up with him, and I still don’t know why. This breaking up is recent, but something major is going on with her, and I need to have some girl time with her. Oh shit, she’s gone to that conference this week, and she won’t be home until next week one day. I wonder if Xavier got his head out of his ass and went to her, like I told him to.

  Before I know it, we make it to the hospital, and I head straight to my supervisor’s office. I explain everything, as she says, “We will work with you, and don’t worry about your job. You just worry about getting better.”

  Maddox asks me to wait here, while he goes and talks to his supervisor, but I need to get more blood work. “I’m going to get my blood work done, and then to get our girl. I really need to see her.”

  Once I’m done, I get her, and Maddox isn’t back yet, so we look around the gift shop. Caitlynn is talking about this boy in daycare. “Jack is my boyfriend, and we got married today. Look at my ring, Mommy. It’s as big as yours!”

  Laughing, I say, “Yes, baby. It is, and it’s your favorite flavor watermelon.” I look at the ring pop on her finger, as she stands there licking it. “So, what made you decide to marry Jackson, instead of Luke or one of the other boys?”

  “Well, he bought me a ring, he sits by me, and he plays with me on the playground. He even shared his snack pack with me, because he got chocolate, and I had vanilla.” I feel the air change, as Maddox comes in, but I keep Caitlynn talking.

  When she sees him, she yells, “I got married.”

  “It’s time to lock her in the basement now.”

  “Daddy, your happy and married to Mommy. Why can’t I be happy and married to Jack? I love him!”

  Oh, my God. This little girl is going to be a handful, when she grows up. She is laughing out loud, as Maddox gives me a dirty look. He comes over, picking her up, “Baby, I told you boys are yucky. We don’t like them remember.”

  “Mommy, did Daddy hurt his head today?”

  “No, why?”

  “Cause, he says boys are yucky, but he’s a boy, and so is Carson and Xavier, and we love them.” Just then, someone calls my name, and I’m saved.

  Quickly walking over, they tell me they just got another order in for more blood work. Guess I better get used to being stuck all the time. I head over to wait for my turn, as I text Maddox to let him know. I also send Carson and Carly a text, telling them I love them, and we need to have a family meeting soon. Just then, my phone rings, and it's Xavier.

  “Hey X. What’s up, bud?”

  “Claire! She left me, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “What do you mean she left you?”

  “Carly did. Hang on, I’ll read you the note.”

  Xavier,

  I love you, and I’m not sure that will ever change. However, seeing you at a diner with another woman holding hands has shattered my heart. I’m completely devastated thinking of you with someone else, when I want you for myself. I know I’m selfish, but I don’t want you to settle. I want you to be as happy with someone who makes you as happy as you make me, even if that person isn’t me. I’m going back to Michigan because it hurts way too much to even think of you with someone else, let alone see it every day. Part of the reason I left the way I did is because I have always promised myself that I would not allow a man to treat me the way my dad treated my mom. You have always treated me like your queen, until I saw you with another woman. I refuse to be second best or the girl you call, when everyone else is busy. I deserve to be someone’s one and only, and I refuse to accept less than that from you or anyone. Please know this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know you will always be a part of our family, but for now, I need space to get my head on straight. Please know, I will always love you, and I love you enough to let you go, so you can find your true happiness.

  With all my heart and love,

  Carly

  “Now, what do I do? She is my happily ever after still and always. Please help me. I was at the diner meeting with the ring designer, picking up her engagement ring. I had to get it resized, after I figured out it was too big.”

  “Give me ten minutes, and I’ll call you back. I gotta get blood work.” Hanging up with him, I call Carly, but it goes to straight voicemail, so I know it’s shut off. “Carly Lynn, what are you doing? I need to talk to you about something very important. Please call me back, as soon as you get this.”

  I can’t fix this now, so I go and get my blood drawn. Geez, twelve vials. I wonder if I have any blood left in my body. Walking out and over to Maddox and Caitlynn, I see they are in a heated conversation. “Daddy, that’s not fair! I want to be married to Jack, so please don’t make me break up with him.”

  Oh lord. “Maddox come on and take me home, please. I’m ready for a nap.” My phone starts ringing, as we get up to leave.

  “Mommy, what’s wrong with you? Why do you look so different? Why are you not answering your phone?”

  “Caitlynn, give me a second, okay? I look sick, because they took more blood from me, and I didn’t answer the phone, because I’m talking to you and your dad. Oh, my God, Maddox. It’s the doctor’s office. What do you think they want?”

  “Babe, answer the phone, and we will know.”

  “Or I could let it go to voicemail, and then just listen to that.”

  “Babe give me your phone,” I do, and then stand here, listening to everything he says.

  “Hello. Yes, this is Claire Fields husband, Maddox. Yes, we will be at the appointment tomorrow. Yes, we can come early and fill out paperwork. She just had lab work done, and they took twelve vials. She also had some before that. Okay, thank you. Yes, see you then.”

  I’m sitting in a chair with my head between my legs, while Caitlynn is still going on about Jack. I start laughing, because well honestly, I think I’m having a mental breakdown. I think tha
t maybe I’m thinking too much about this, but then again, my whole world feels as though it’s crashing around me. However, for my family, I need to be a strong mom and wife. I just need to get my thoughts and feelings down for everyone. As we walk out of the hospital, me on one side holding Caitlynn’s hand and Maddox on the other, it hits me that I need to get some family pictures scheduled. I need these memories just in case. Not only for myself, but the kids, too.

  When we get home, I tell Maddox about Xavier, and he tells me to call him back, so I do, but he’s so upset, as I try to talk some sense into him. “If you love her, then you need to be honest with her and tell her what’s going on. Don’t let her leave, until she understands you. Also, don’t let her second guess herself, or let her get lost in her own head. I love you, and I’m rooting for you and her. When you see her, please tell her we are having a family meeting Monday night here, and I need both of you here, whether your together or not.”

  “Okay, I love you, and we will be there, I promise.” He says, as we hang up.

  Sitting on my bed, Caitlynn comes through my door looking pissed. “Baby girl, what’s wrong?”

  “Daddy said I have to break up with Jack tomorrow. Mom, he doesn’t understand. I don’t want to break up with him because he’s my friend.”

  “I’ll talk to Daddy, okay? Come up here and give me some cuddles. I have missed you.” She jumps up on the bed and cuddles up to me. The next thing I know Maddox is putting her in her own bed. When he comes back in, he says, “Looks like my beautiful girls were tired.”

  “Babe, can you promise me something?”

  “I’ll try. What’s up?”

  “Can you promise to move on and fall in love, if I die? I don’t want you to be alone forever, and let’s face it, you’re going to need help with Caitlynn. She is already mad because you won’t let her stay married.”

  “Sweetheart, I can’t promise you that, because you’re going to live a long life. I promised to always be faithful, until death do us part, and our family is going to be right beside you the whole time. We are fighting this together, and you will beat it.”

  I open my mouth, but he covers it with his own. “Tonight, is about showing each other what we mean to each other.” Slowly, we make love, and as we reach our orgasms together, our eyes lock, and I whisper, “I love you,” as a single tear slides down my face.

  Waking up in the morning, I get my scrubs on, and get Caitlynn ready for daycare. I better talk to Maddox about this Jack thing, before my girl has a breakdown. “Babe leave her alone about Jack. The more you push her to break up with him the more she’s going to stick with him. She just wants to be happy like we are. I think us being together is setting a good example for her.”

  “Fine, but I don’t like it. When she goes to school, it will be an all girl’s school, and she’s going to be a nun.” I laugh, as I kiss his lips. “Whatever gets you through the day.”

  He grabs my waist, pulling me to him. “The thought that you are mine for the rest of my life gets me through the day. I’ll be with you at the appointment today, and every step of the way for that matter. I promise you.”

  “I don’t know what I did so great to deserve you, but I love you so much. Thank you for loving not only me, but my kids also and for never giving up on me.”

  “I would never give up on you or the kids. You guys are my whole world now.”

  God, this man knows exactly what to say to make my heart melt.

  Claire

  Maddox got called in and couldn’t make it to my appointment, and Caitlynn is sick, so here I go, putting my big girl panties on, and carrying in my sleeping daughter. The epithelial cell tumor is a stage two and treatable, which is good news, and I’m scheduled to have a complete hysterectomy next Thursday. Then three weeks later, we will start chemo intravenously. One day every eight weeks for six months, and then we will do another CT scan. This will cause hair loss, stomach problems, loss of energy, and my immune system will be down, so it will be easier to get sick.

  Just then, Caitlynn starts wailing, so I guess that’s my cue to go. We make our way back to the car, and my phone keeps ringing and dinging, signaling text messages. I just ignore it. I’m in a fog, and my only thoughts right now are getting Caitlynn home, so she can rest. Getting her home and settled in my bed with me, I get my notebook and pen. I decide to write a few letters, and my first one is to Caitlynn. I’m trying to have a positive outlook, but I need to be prepared for anything at this point.

  My dearest Caitlynn,

  I’m so sorry I had to leave you so soon. I love you with every breath in my body and have since the beginning. I hope all of your dreams come true. Don’t be too hard on your dad. He is trying, and he loves you so very much. I hope you dance like nobody's watching because really who cares. Sing like nobody's listening because I will be, and your voice is like an angel singing to me.

  Love like you have never been hurt, because if you never get hurt, you never really loved, and I want that for you more than anything in the world. Your prince charming will come, when the time is right, so don’t rush it. You have the ability to change the world with just a smile. I will always be with you in your heart and in your dreams.

  Always remember, I love you and am always with you.

  Love,

  Mommy

  Caitlyn is asleep, so I prop pillows around her and head downstairs to get her medicine. I notice the wedding pictures with the kids and us, and then, I see my favorite one. It’s the one of Maddox and I with my head on his chest and him kissing the top of my head with our arms wrapped around each other. I feel such devastation at the fact that he could again lose his wife. I feel an urgency in me to write his letter and let him know that this is also not his fault, and that if I had known that I was going to get sick, I would not have let him fall for me.

  Maddox,

  Please know that you are my dream come true.

  The best day of my life is the day we meet. My favorite part is watching the love in your eyes not only for me, but for Carly, Carson, and Caitlynn also. I will always love you. Thank you for taking care of me and loving my kids. I know this sucks, but please find it in your heart to move on. I love you enough to know you deserve to love someone for the rest of your life. Not only for you, but also for Caitlynn. That last sentence is the hardest thing I have ever written. Not only because I had to let you go, but because I’m selfish and want you forever. I don’t want some other lady to have what is mine, but I also don’t want you to be alone forever. You healed my heart and soul, and for that, I can never repay you.

  You are one of the only things that make me feel alive, and I hope we have made enough memories to last, until we see each other again. Please know I’ll always be with you. It will get easier, and please remember that with every breath you take. My favorite thing to look at is your smile. My favorite sound to hear is your heartbeat. I love to get lost in your eyes, and I love that we can say so much without making a sound. I’m writing you, so you know how I feel, when I’m not here to say it to you. I hope you know that what we have is all I’ve ever needed. I’m so truly amazed by your compassion. You made it impossible for me not to fall in love with you, and every day, I thank God for you. You kept knocking my walls down, and I’d try to build them right back up, but you wouldn’t let me. I never want to see you unhappy. You inspire me every day to fight, so I can stay here with you for a lifetime. I hope you don’t get this for about fifty years. Just know, whenever you get it, that I love you.

  Yours always,

  Claire

  Hearing the door open, I rush to put the notebook away in my drawer, as Maddox walks into our room. His eyes go soft at seeing our little girl sick in our bed. I walk to him and wrap my arms around him. “Babe, I’m so sorry I didn’t call you, after the appointment. I was hurt that you couldn’t be with me. I know it’s not your fault, and I was being selfish. Please forgive me?”

  “Sweetheart, there is nothing
to forgive. I knew you would be hurt, and I’m so sorry. I really tried.” I know he means every word too. Suddenly, Caitlynn wakes up and is still feverish, so I take her to get her in the bath. While in there, it hits me. This could be the last time I get to give her a bath, and I start crying all over again. I try to control myself and wash my face, so Maddox doesn’t notice.

  As soon as we come out of the bathroom, he sees me and knows. He takes Caitlynn to get dressed, dinner, and medicine. He tells me to take a bath, while he takes care of our girl. I’m in the bath for about twenty minutes, just thinking about getting out, when he walks in and starts taking his clothes off. Our eyes lock on each other, as he gets in. “Tell me what’s wrong, so I can make it better.”

  “Where’s Caitlynn?”

  “Babe quit stalling. She is asleep in her bed, and I brought the monitor.”

  “Okay, so you know when the doctor did my pap smear, he felt a lump, and the test came back cancerous, so I have to have a complete hysterectomy, and then I’ll start chemo once a week for eight weeks. After six months, we will test again and see how it looks. I will be nauseated, fatigue, I will probably lose my hair, and overall, be a burden on you and the kids. You should probably run, while you can.” I smile weakly.

  “Do you really think I can leave? Do you think I can shut my feelings on and off like a light switch? Do you not know how much I love you? How I wish I could take the cancer out of your body and put it in mine, so you don’t have to feel this or go through all of this? If you really believe that I would leave you, then my heart is completely broken.”

  “No, Maddox. That is not how I feel at all. I love you and know you love me as well. I know feelings can’t be turned on or shut off like that. I wouldn’t want you to have the cancer, and I’d want to fight it for you, too.”

  “Babe, can we just fight it together, like we are meant to? I love you, and I finally found the person who completes me. I don’t want to lose you, and I will be there to hold your hand during treatments. I will also hold your hair, while you're tossing your cookies. I want to do everything with you and only you, so please let me be that person.”