It's Just A Skirt

by Matthew Potter

  Jade put a hand gently on my arm.

  ‘I’m sorry about what she said. You have to admit, though, your brother is a little weird. I mean who wears sweaters all the time and the way he just sits there, staring at you. He’s so fricken creepy…”

  I’d had enough.

  Anger welled inside of me and I lost it. I threw her hand off my arm and snapped around to face her, tears and anger guiding my words:

  “I don’t have a twin brother you fucking idiot!”

  There I said it.

  Jade looked confused for a moment then there it was.

  The look.

  Another light bulb.

  She opened her mouth to say something but I didn’t let her. Instead, I turned and stormed out, tears streaming down my face. I ran all the way back to Curtis hall. As soon as I got into the room, I tore her shirt over my head and practically ripped off her stupid little shorts. Staring in the mirror, at the half naked girl boy in the mirror, I lost it again. The tears exploded out of me and fell onto the bed, crying into my pillow.

  I’m NEVER wearing a fucking skirt EVER again.

  5.

  "What a bitch,” said Kelly, sitting on the corner of my desk.

  I gave her a look, the one I usually gave her when she wasn’t helping things. She wasn’t helping either. I’m not even sure why I went to her, to be honest. At the time, I was feeling like I needed someone to cry too. So that someone ended up being her. I think I shocked her more than anything when I came pounding on her door dressed like I was. After I cried into her arms, she got me all sorted. She did the sisterly thing, got me to tell her what was wrong then afterward helped me back to my own room.

  We were there now.

  I was back to being George.

  She was contributing again in the wrong way.

  I loved my little sister of course but she tended to say the wrong things. I had just finished giving her the whole story---the dressing up, the necklace, the everything. She listened like an apt pupil until I got to the part about Quinn and the name calling. Kelly could be two things. One of them was a real pain in the ass. As a little sister, that goes with the territory. The other thing was something that siblings were supposed to be as well---over protective. Kelly was only like that though when someone pushed one of us the wrong way. Usually, I was the one getting pushed and she was usually there to push back.

  I know what you’re thinking and yes she is the little sister.

  She’s also taller than me.

  Ok only by a few inches but still.

  She looked older than me too. It was kind of embarrassing actually. In what normal world was an eleven-year-old supposed to be taller and look older than her thirteen-year-old brother. Well, my world was not normal I suppose. Kelly actually hit puberty last year, so she was an earlier bloomer. Now almost a year later, she was taller and developing a lot faster. Not that I was too concerned about that last part but the height thing really bothered me. Before the accident I was the tallest boy in my class now I was “the little weirdo”.

  I’d heard it before of course so I’m not sure why I reacted so badly today.

  Maybe it was just the way she was saying it.

  Maybe I just didn’t like her.

  Or maybe I was finally just getting sick and tired of it.

  ‘You want me to go kick their asses?”

  I couldn’t help but smile at that. “I don’t think that would really solve anything”

  “It would make me feel better,” she said, clenching a fist.

  Ok, so Kelly was also a bit of a tomboy. It was hard not to be for her what with having three older brothers. It was kind of funny in a way, though. She got along better with Mike and Charlie than I did. Somehow whatever boyness passed right over me and went into her. She like sports, she liked getting into fights, she liked letting people know she was not someone to mess with. I don’t mind those things but I wasn’t as attached to them as they were. I could play sports but I wasn’t any good at them, at least not as good as them. I’d only ever been in one fight and Kelly had actually been there to end it. I wasn’t very forceful either.

  Some boy I am.

  “Well we can’t let those bitches get away with it,” she said, jumping off my desk. “Just give me some time, bro, I’ll figure something out”

  “Can we talk about something else please?”

  “Sure,” she said, dropping onto the bed next to me.

  I instinctively laid my head on her lap, she started stroking my head like a cat.

  “So do you like it?” she asked, after a moment of silence.

  “What?”

  “Being a girl?”

  “I’m not really a girl, Kel. It’s just clothes.”

  “I hate to break it to you, Geo, but you’re not exactly a boy either”

  “Well if I could, I’d pass all my girliness onto you”

  She laughed. “Oh yeah that’s just what I need”

  She brushed a strand of hair from her face. Kelly had shoulder length dark brown hair like Mom. She usually kept it pulled back and out of her face but today it was hanging lose. It was a rare look for her. She was dressed for sports in a grimy tank top over a t-shirt, wearing a pair of basketball shorts. I apparently caught her on the way going or coming from the court. More than likely the latter. Like Mike, she was all about the basketball.

  I raised my head a moment and looked in the mirror.

  I saw two sisters there.

  It was a little alarming, to say the least.

  Though my shorter hair was a lighter shade of brown, we had the same green eyes, the same nose, and cheekbones. We could almost be twins which made me smile a bit. I couldn’t help but wonder if Kelly was the one that Jade had originally mistaken for me, well “Geo”. Some of the classes were mixed grades like the Special ones---you know art, music, P.E. it’s possible Jade thought Kelly and “Geo” were the same person, it was an honest mistake. So she thought she was actually hanging with a real girl instead of a freak like me.

  “I think I’m gonna buzz my hair off,” I said, running a finger through it.

  It was getting a bit on the shaggy side. Maybe if it was all gone, I could stop all this girl nonsense without worrying about it. I mean there weren’t too many girls out there with buzzed heads. At least not at St. Andrews.

  “No, you’re not,” she said, pushing me back down on her lap.

  “It's my hair, Kel”

  “Nuh uh,” she said, stroking my head again. “I claimed it last year. Your hair, your head and your feet, they all below to me now”

  “So you’re giving me my chest, legs, and hands?”

  “Yep”

  We both laughed.

  ‘So now that you own them, what pray tell are you going to do with them?”

  “The hair, nothing but maybe a little style. The head, the first thing I’m gonna do is get those ears pierced. Then I’m going to teach you the art of eyebrow plucking. After that, maybe show you the joys of lip gloss”

  I rolled my eyes.

  Kelly had been trying to “girl me up” for a while. She might have acted like one of the boys all the time but she was still a girl at heart. She loved to shop and hang out with her friends. Back at home in Oregon, she had one of those huge walk-in closets full of clothes. She also liked to push people into her world. Ever since she found out that I wasn’t going to be quite like other boys, she tried to help me. She was still a little too young to understand when the accident happen but we started to explain it to her later. After a family group counseling session over a year ago, Kelly was floored at what we were told.

  I would never be a true boy without help.

  I’d been a bit floored too.

  My sister, though, she wanted to help.

  So she asked the right questions. The answers were surprising, to say the least. The counselor---Dr. Hill---suggested that I might try exploring my options. When Kelly asked what those options were, she smiled at the response. One option,
of course, was hormone treatments. We already kind of knew that. One option was to do nothing, kind of a no-brainer. The last and most bizarre option was to go the other direction. Explore my feminine side and see how it was. It wasn’t the most orthodox thing for Dr. Hill to say but she claimed in my situation it was a viable course of action. I had been a boy for nine years and without male puberty and the proper hormones, my body would start to go the other way. She wanted me to make sure that male hormones were what I wanted.

  “Not too many get this choice, George” she had said.

  I denied her suggestion.

  I mean I was a boy. I didn’t want to be a girl.

  It was Kelly who talked some sense into me.

  My new philosophy on life, the “it's only clothes” motto, it was all her. She and I had a long talk after I cried myself to sleep nearly two nights in a row. I was never going to get much taller, was never going to get muscular like my brothers, I was never going to be able to be a father. All of those things hurt and scared me to death. Instead, if I wanted, I could be a girl. Not only that, I could be a well-adjusted woman for the rest of my life.

  Kelly was the one to say "screw them". She told me to be who I wanted to be. I could be a boy or a girl, it didn’t really matter. She talked me into the unisex haircut. She told me how to take better care of myself. She got me some skin care products and the right shampoo. She wanted me to be happy. Being happy, according to her, didn’t mean I had to wallow in misery because I wouldn’t be big and strong like the rest of the boys. I could be me and be happy about being me.

  “Do you want a sister?” I asked after a long moment of silence.

  ‘I already have one” she said as she hugged my head. “I have three brothers too”

  ‘You’re not helping”

  “Do me a favor and sit up”

  I did as I was told, confused.

  “Tell me what you see in the mirror right now,” she said, sliding next to me.

  I looked in the mirror. I saw us of course. I told her as much.

  “So you see George and Kelly?”

  “Yes duh”

  “Do we look like brother and sister or…”

  Oh, I get it.

  I was still wearing the clothes that Jade had let me borrow. Though my hair was a little frazzled and it was clear I’d been crying a lot, I still looked like me. The me staring back at me though was the same me that Jade saw. It was the same me that Kelly had just called her sister. I saw a girl too I guess but it was me still. I knew what she was getting at too. I was George her brother but I was also George her sister too. George and “Geo” were not different people after all. They were the same person---the same me.

  “Why be one or the other,” said Kelly, hugging me. “You’re both”

  “I don’t know how to be both’

  I didn’t really know how to be them separately either, to be honest.

  ‘Well I’ll show you then” she said excitedly. “Tomorrow I want you to get a day pass. I’ll get one too. We’ll go into town, drag Rachel along and make a day of it. It’s time to come out of that shell of yours bro. I’m gonna help you do it. You don’t want them to call you the weirdo little freak anymore right?” I nodded. “Then I’m going to show you how to make them stop”

  I couldn’t help but tear up a bit.

  Kelly left a minute or two later. She was already late for the B-ball game I interrupted. I thanked her for helping cheer me up. As soon as she left, I flopped backward onto my bed. What she was suggesting was a little drastic but I trusted her. I did want to change too. I was tired of being pushed around and called names. I was also tired of being ignored. I know it was how I acted but I hated that part about myself, to be honest.

  Maybe it was time for a change.

  A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I sat up to go and answer it but I didn’t need to bother. A second later, something slid underneath it. Curious, I got up to take a look. It was a white index card with a single message on it:

  TONIGHT. COMMON ROOM. 9PM.

  Cryptic and to the point.

  Call me intrigued.

  **************

  Intrigue would have to wait it seems.

  Hunger first.

  I’m not proud to say that I actually stormed out of the cafeteria earlier without eating anything. After sitting around my room for a bit wallowing in self-pity, I realized I was hungry too. I had two ways to approach it. I could sit and remain hungry, avoiding the cafeteria as much as possible now. Thanks to embarrassment. Or I could bite the bullet and deal with the consequences.

  The latter won.

  I dressed as quickly as I could, this time going with a pair of boy shorts and a normal tee. Not really caring what I looked like, to be honest. It wasn’t until I was in line---paying for my second lunch of the day---that I realized I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I know I was down here earlier without them on but I’d been wearing girl clothes, was in Geo mode at the time. I went without them the other day too but once again the girl uniform constituted as Geo mode.

  I was George right now.

  George without glasses.

  I was in full-on panic mode.

  “Will that be all dear?” asked the serving woman, pointing at my meager salad and bread sticks.

  “No,” I said, asking for a chicken sandwich too.

  She smiled and gave me one the cellophane wrapped delicacies.

  I paid for lunch and navigated the busy place back to my usual table.

  The Uncool Table.

  I noticed the looks I was getting when I sat. I tried to ignore some of them. There was one kid though who just couldn’t stop staring. I think his name was Jarrod, we were in English and Math together. He was also in Curtis too I guess. I’d never really noticed him all that much because well he never really noticed me before either. Now Jarrod couldn’t stop staring. His staring continued until he clearly couldn’t stand it anymore because a few seconds later he was coming my way.

  Great.

  ‘Hey,” he said, nervously setting his tray down.

  ‘Hey”

  “You’re in Curtis right?”

  I nodded.

  “Oh thank God’ he said, dropping into a chair. “For a minute I thought you were a girl. It was really confusing the hell out of me. I mean how weird would that be”

  “How weird would what be?”

  “Having a girl in the boy’s dorms?” he said with a laugh.

  Jarrod was one of those tall gangly kids. You know the type. Not tall in a good way but tall in a way that he was too tall even for the clothes he was wearing. I would give anything to be tall like that. Hell, I’d even take his acne and braces. Anything other than being a short, small framed kid who everyone thought was a weirdo. I would have told him to leave but honestly, it was nice to have some company.

  I looked past him to the table where I’d been sitting earlier.

  There was a new group there.

  Jade and her friends long gone.

  Well, it was fun while it lasted I suppose.

  I did make a mental note to return her stuff to her, though. Maybe I’d go through Cherry. As far as I was concerned, I’d be happy if I never spoke to Jade again.

  “So you sit here by yourself a lot”

  I shrugged. “I don’t mind”

  He nodded but looked behind him at the table where he came from.

  “You can sit with my friends and me if you want”

  I looked past him to his former table. There were four guys there. They all looked like guys I might hang out with. I say might but for the simple fact that I didn’t like the way any of them looked. Or rather the way they kept looking over here and pretending they weren’t. It was clear they thought I was an even bigger freak than they were. I couldn’t help but smile at that, I mean one of them looked like he was good friends with the people at Dunkin Donuts.

  No, I don’t think I’d be friends with those guys either.

  “No thanks. I
rather like it here”

  ‘Ok then. Well talk to you later then”

  Jarrod got up and left. As soon as he got back to his table, there was lots of laughter. I vaguely overheard him say “Dude” and something about “pay up”. See I knew I was right about those losers. I finished my lunch in silence after that, trying not to get pissed about losing another potential peer group. I wasn’t going to make any lasting friendships with those guys anyway, their next topic of conversation was some FPS.

  First Person Shooters had way too much nerd rage to me.

  I took my tray to the trash, making sure to pass by their table.

  “There is no way that’s a dude,” one of them said.

  “Yeah,” said another “look at the way she walks”

  There was a lot of laughing.

  I fought back the urge to give them all the finger. Instead, I smirked and decided to blow their minds. As I walked out of the cafeteria, I put an exaggerated feminine swagger to my step. I couldn’t help but smile wondering what they were talking about now.

  6.

  A little bit before nine, I made my way down to the Common Room.

  Usually around this time at night, it was crowded with the normal sorts. Mainly gathered around the TV and collective game system, shouting and having a good time. Tonight was no different it seemed. Though there were a couple of guys in the corner playing pool. I just sorted lingered back over to my chair, hoping no one would bother me. I made sure I wore my glasses this time too so as not to draw so much attention. The hoodie helped a lot too. I didn’t want another repeat of this afternoon with Jarrod and his stupid friends.

  Speaking of Jarrod.

  I noticed he was one of the guys cheering on whatever game was being played.

  I couldn’t help but groan.

  Morons and their moronic games

  While I sat, I took the time to take stock of my things. By things, I mean cell phone and the little thing of mace I was prone to carry on my keychain. It was another one of those things my father made me carry after that bully incident. I wasn’t like other boys and I wasn’t big enough to defend myself. I thought about taking self-defense classes once but I just never felt the need. I had other ways to fight back after all. My computer was my weapon and I had a Black belt in it. I had a large arsenal at my deposal too and enough ammunition to take down the biggest of targets.