The Pursuit of the House-Boat

by John Kendrick Bangs

  II

  THE STRANGER UNRAVELS A MYSTERY AND REVEALS HIMSELF

  "I have made a hobby of the study of cigar ends," said the stranger, asthe Associated Shades settled back to hear his account of himself. "Frommy earliest youth, when I used surreptitiously to remove the unsmoked endsof my father's cigars and break them up, and, in hiding, smoke them in anold clay pipe which I had presented to me by an ancient sea-captain of myacquaintance, I have been interested in tobacco in all forms, evenincluding these self-same despised unsmoked ends; for they convey to mymind messages, sentiments, farces, comedies, and tragedies which to yourminds would never become manifest through their agency."

  The company drew closer together and formed themselves in a more compactmass about the speaker. It was evident that they were beginning to feel anunusual interest in this extraordinary person, who had come among themunheralded and unknown. Even Shylock stopped calculating percentages foran instant to listen.

  "Do you mean to tell us," demanded Shakespeare, "that the unsmoked stub ofa cigar will suggest the story of him who smoked it to your mind?"

  "I do," replied the stranger, with a confident smile. "Take this one, forinstance, that I have picked up here upon the wharf; it tells me the wholestory of the intentions of Captain Kidd at the moment when, in utterdisregard of your rights, he stepped aboard your House-boat, and, in hisusual piratical fashion, made off with it into unknown seas."

  "But how do you know he smoked it?" asked Solomon, who deemed it the partof wisdom to be suspicious of the stranger.

  "There are two curious indentations in it which prove that. The marks oftwo teeth, with a hiatus between, which you will see if you look closely,"said the stranger, handing the small bit of tobacco to Sir Walter, "makethat point evident beyond peradventure. The Captain lost an eye-tooth inone of his later raids; it was knocked out by a marline-spike which hadbeen hurled at him by one of the crew of the treasure-ship he and hisfollowers had attacked. The adjacent teeth were broken, but not removed.The cigar end bears the marks of those two jagged molars, with the hiatus,which, as I have indicated, is due to the destruction of the eye-toothbetween them. It is not likely that there was another man in the pirate'screw with teeth exactly like the commander's, therefore I say there can beno doubt that the cigar end was that of the Captain himself."

  "Very interesting indeed," observed Blackstone, removing his wig andfanning himself with it; "but I must confess, Mr. Chairman, that in anyproperly constituted law court this evidence would long since have beenruled out as irrelevant and absurd. The idea of two or three hundreddignified spirits like ourselves, gathered together to devise a means forthe recovery of our property and the rescue of our wives, yielding thefloor to the delivering of a lecture by an entire stranger on 'Cigar EndsHe Has Met,' strikes me as ridiculous in the extreme. Of what earthlyinterest is it to us to know that this or that cigar was smoked by CaptainKidd?"

  "Merely that it will help us on, your honor, to discover the whereaboutsof the said Kidd," interposed the stranger. "It is by trifles, seemingtrifles, that the greatest detective work is done. My friends Le Coq,Hawkshaw, and Old Sleuth will bear me out in this, I think, however muchin other respects our methods may have differed. They left no stoneunturned in the pursuit of a criminal; no detail, however trifling,uncared for. No more should we in the present instance overlook theminutest bit of evidence, however irrelevant and absurd at first blush itmay appear to be. The truth of what I say was very effectually proven inthe strange case of the Brokedale tiara, in which I figured somewhatconspicuously, but which I have never made public, because it involves asecret affecting the integrity of one of the noblest families in theBritish Empire. I really believe that mystery was solved easily and atonce because I happened to remember that the number of my watch was86507B. How trivial a thing, and yet how important it was, as the eventtranspired, you will realize when I tell you the incident."

  The stranger's manner was so impressive that there was a unanimous andsimultaneous movement upon the part of all present to get up closer, so asthe more readily to hear what he said, as a result of which poor oldBoswell was pushed overboard, and fell with a loud splash into the Styx.Fortunately, however, one of Charon's pleasure-boats was close at hand,and in a short while the dripping, sputtering spirit was drawn into it,wrung out, and sent home to dry. The excitement attending this diversionhaving subsided, Solomon asked:

  "What was the incident of the lost tiara?"

  "POOR OLD BOSWELL WAS PUSHED OVERBOARD"]

  "I am about to tell you," returned the stranger; "and it must beunderstood that you are told in the strictest confidence, for, as I say,the incident involves a state secret of great magnitude. In life--in themortal life--gentlemen, I was a detective by profession, and, if I do sayit, who perhaps should not, I was one of the most interesting for purelyliterary purposes that has ever been known. I did not find it necessary togo about saying 'Ha! ha!' as M. Le Coq was accustomed to do to advertisehis cleverness; neither did I disguise myself as a drum-major and hideunder a kitchen-table for the purpose of solving a mystery involving theabduction of a parlor stove, after the manner of the talented Hawkshaw. Bymental concentration alone, without fireworks or orchestral accompanimentof any sort whatsoever, did I go about my business, and for that veryreason many of my fellow-sleuths were forced to go out of real detectivework into that line of the business with which the stage has familiarizedthe most of us--a line in which nothing but stupidity, luck, and a yellowwig is required of him who pursues it."

  "This man is an impostor," whispered Le Coq to Hawkshaw.

  "I've known that all along by the mole on his left wrist," returnedHawkshaw, contemptuously.

  "I suspected it the minute I saw he was not disguised," returned Le Coq,knowingly. "I have observed that the greatest villains latterly havediscarded disguises, as being too easily penetrated, and therefore of noavail, and merely a useless expense."

  "Silence!" cried Confucius, impatiently. "How can the gentleman proceed,with all this conversation going on in the rear?"

  Hawkshaw and Le Coq immediately subsided, and the stranger went on.

  "It was in this way that I treated the strange case of the lost tiara,"resumed the stranger. "Mental concentration upon seemingly insignificantdetails alone enabled me to bring about the desired results in thatinstance. A brief outline of the case is as follows: It was late oneevening in the early spring of 1894. The London season was at its height.Dances, fetes of all kinds, opera, and the theatres were in full blast,when all of a sudden society was paralyzed by a most audacious robbery. Adiamond tiara valued at L50,000 sterling had been stolen from the Duchessof Brokedale, and under circumstances which threw society itself and everyindividual in it under suspicion--even his Royal Highness the Princehimself, for he had danced frequently with the Duchess, and was known tobe a great admirer of her tiara. It was at half-past eleven o'clock atnight that the news of the robbery first came to my ears. I had beenspending the evening alone in my library making notes for a second volumeof my memoirs, and, feeling somewhat depressed, I was on the point ofgoing out for my usual midnight walk on Hampstead Heath, when one of myservants, hastily entering, informed me of the robbery. I changed my mindin respect to my midnight walk immediately upon receipt of the news, for Iknew that before one o'clock some one would call upon me at my lodgingswith reference to this robbery. It could not be otherwise. Any mystery ofsuch magnitude could no more be taken to another bureau than elephantscould fly--"

  "They used to," said Adam. "I once had a whole aviary full of wingedelephants. They flew from flower to flower, and thrusting theirprobabilities deep into--"

  "Their what?" queried Johnson, with a frown.

  "Probabilities--isn't that the word? Their trunks," said Adam.

  "Probosces, I imagine you mean," suggested Johnson.

  "Yes--that was it. Their probosces," said Adam. "They were greathoney-gatherers, those elephants--far better than the bees, because theycould make so much more of it in a giv
en time."

  Munchausen shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid I'm outclassed by theseantediluvians," he said.

  "Gentlemen! gentlemen!" cried Sir Walter. "These interruptions areinexcusable!"

  "That's what I think," said the stranger, with some asperity. "I'm havingabout as hard a time getting this story out as I would if it were aserial. Of course, if you gentlemen do not wish to hear it, I can stop;but it must be understood that when I do stop I stop finally, once and forall, because the tale has not a sufficiency of dramatic climaxes towarrant its prolongation over the usual magazine period of twelve months."

  "Go on! go on!" cried some.

  "Shut up!" cried others--addressing the interrupting members, of course.

  "As I was saying," resumed the stranger, "I felt confident that within anhour, in some way or other, that case would be placed in my hands. Itwould be mine either positively or negatively--that is to say, either theperson robbed would employ me to ferret out the mystery and recover thediamonds, or the robber himself, actuated by motives of self-preservation,would endeavor to direct my energies into other channels until he shouldhave the time to dispose of his ill-gotten booty. A mental discussion ofthe probabilities inclined me to believe that the latter would be thecase. I reasoned in this fashion: The person robbed is of exalted rank.She cannot move rapidly because she is so. Great bodies move slowly. It isprobable that it will be a week before, according to the etiquette bywhich she is hedged about, she can communicate with me. In the firstplace, she must inform one of her attendants that she has been robbed. Hemust communicate the news to the functionary in charge of her residence,who will communicate with the Home Secretary, and from him will issue theorders to the police, who, baffled at every step, will finally addressthemselves to me. 'I'll give that side two weeks,' I said. On the otherhand, the robber: will he allow himself to be lulled into a false sense ofsecurity by counting on this delay, or will he not, noting my habit ofoccasionally entering upon detective enterprises of this nature of my ownvolition, come to me at once and set me to work ferreting out some crimethat has never been committed? My feeling was that this would happen, andI pulled out my watch to see if it were not nearly time for him to arrive.The robbery had taken place at a state ball at the Buckingham Palace.'H'm!' I mused. 'He has had an hour and forty minutes to get here. It isnow twelve twenty. He should be here by twelve forty-five. I will wait.'And hastily swallowing a cocaine tablet to nerve myself up for themeeting, I sat down and began to read my Schopenhauer. Hardly had Iperused a page when there came a tap upon my door. I rose with a smile,for I thought I knew what was to happen, opened the door, and there stood,much to my surprise, the husband of the lady whose tiara was missing. Itwas the Duke of Brokedale himself. It is true he was disguised. His beardwas powdered until it looked like snow, and he wore a wig and a pair ofgreen goggles; but I recognized him at once by his lack of manners, whichis an unmistakable sign of nobility. As I opened the door, he began:

  "'You are Mr.--'

  "'I am,' I replied. 'Come in. You have come to see me about your stolenwatch. It is a gold hunting-case watch with a Swiss movement; loses fiveminutes a day; stem-winder; and the back cover, which does not bear anyinscription, has upon it the indentations made by the molars of your sonWillie when that interesting youth was cutting his teeth upon it.'"

  "Wonderful!" cried Johnson.

  "May I ask how you knew all that?" asked Solomon, deeply impressed. "Suchpenetration strikes me as marvellous."

  "I didn't know it," replied the stranger, with a smile. "What I said wasintended to be jocular, and to put Brokedale at his ease. The Americanspresent, with their usual astuteness, would term it bluff. It was. Imerely rattled on. I simply did not wish to offend the gentleman byletting him know that I had penetrated his disguise. Imagine my surprise,however, when his eye brightened as I spoke, and he entered my room withsuch alacrity that half the powder which he thought disguised his beardwas shaken off on to the floor. Sitting down in the chair I had justvacated, he quietly remarked:

  "'You are a wonderful man, sir. How did you know that I had lost mywatch?'

  "For a moment I was nonplussed; more than that, I was completelystaggered. I had expected him to say at once that he had not lost hiswatch, but had come to see me about the tiara; and to have him take mywords seriously was entirely unexpected and overwhelmingly surprising.However, in view of his rank, I deemed it well to fall in with his humor.'Oh, as for that,' I replied, 'that is a part of my business. It is thedetective's place to know everything; and generally, if he reveals themachinery by means of which he reaches his conclusions, he is a fool,since his method is his secret, and his secret his stock in trade. I donot mind telling you, however, that I knew your watch was stolen by youranxious glance at my clock, which showed that you wished to know the time.Now most rich Americans have watches for that purpose, and have nohesitation about showing them. If you'd had a watch, you'd have looked atit, not at my clock.'

  "My visitor laughed, and repeated what he had said about my being awonderful man.

  "'And the dents which my son made cutting his teeth?' he added.

  "'Invariably go with an American's watch. Rubber or ivory rings aren'tgood enough for American babies to chew on,' said I. 'They must have goldwatches or nothing.'

  "'And finally, how did you know I was a rich American?' he asked.

  "'Because no other can afford to stop at hotels like the Savoy in theheight of the season,' I replied, thinking that the jest would end there,and that he would now reveal his identity and speak of the tiara. To mysurprise, however, he did nothing of the sort.

  "'You have an almost supernatural gift,' he said. 'My name is Bunker. I_am_ stopping at the Savoy. I _am_ an American. I _was_ rich when Iarrived here, but I'm not quite so bloated with wealth as I was, now thatI have paid my first week's bill. I _have_ lost my watch; such a watch,too, as you describe, even to the dents. Your only mistake was that thedents were made by my son John, and not Willie; but even there I cannotbut wonder at you, for John and Willie are twins, and so much alike thatit sometimes baffles even their mother to tell them apart. The watch hasno very great value intrinsically, but the associations are such that Iwant it back, and I will pay L200 for its recovery. I have no clew as towho took it. It was numbered--'

  "Here a happy thought struck me. In all my description of the watch I hadmerely described my own, a very cheap affair which I had won at a raffle.My visitor was deceiving me, though for what purpose I did not on theinstant divine. No one would like to suspect him of having purloined hiswife's tiara. Why should I not deceive him, and at the same time get ridof my poor chronometer for a sum that exceeded its value a hundredfold?"

  "Good business!" cried Shylock.

  The stranger smiled and bowed.

  "Excellent," he said. "I took the words right out of his mouth. 'It wasnumbered 86507B!' I cried, giving, of course, the number of my own watch.

  "He gazed at me narrowly for a moment, and then he smiled. 'You grow moremarvellous at every step. That was indeed the number. Are you a demon?'

  "'No,' I replied. 'Only something of a mind-reader.'

  "Well, to be brief, the bargain was struck. I was to look for a watch thatI knew he hadn't lost, and was to receive L200 if I found it. It seemed tohim to be a very good bargain, as, indeed, it was, from his point of view,feeling, as he did, that there never having been any such watch, it couldnot be recovered, and little suspecting that two could play at his littlegame of deception, and that under any circumstances I could foist aten-shilling watch upon him for two hundred pounds. This businessconcluded, he started to go.

  "'Won't you have a little Scotch?' I asked, as he started, feeling, withall that prospective profit in view, I could well afford the expense. 'Itis a stormy night.'

  "'Thanks, I will,' said he, returning and seating himself by mytable--still, to my surprise, keeping his hat on.

  "'Let me take your hat,' I said, little thinking that my courtesy wouldreveal the true state of affairs
. The mere mention of the word hat broughtabout a terrible change in my visitor; his knees trembled, his face grewghastly, and he clutched the brim of his beaver until it cracked. He thennervously removed it, and I noticed a dull red mark running about hisforehead, just as there would be on the forehead of a man whose hat fittedtoo tightly; and that mark, gentlemen, had the undulating outline ofnothing more nor less than a tiara, and on the apex of the uppermostextremity was a deep indentation about the size of a shilling, that couldhave been made only by some adamantine substance! The mystery was solved!The robber of the Duchess of Brokedale stood before me."

  A suppressed murmur of excitement went through the assembled spirits, andeven Messrs. Hawkshaw and Le Coq were silent in the presence of suchgenius.

  "My plan of action was immediately formulated. The man was completely atmy mercy. He had stolen the tiara, and had it concealed in the lining ofhis hat. I rose and locked the door. My visitor sank with a groan into mychair.

  "'Why did you do that?' he stammered, as I turned the key in the lock.

  "'To keep my Scotch whiskey from evaporating,' I said, dryly. 'Now, mylord,' I added, 'it will pay your Grace to let me have your hat. I knowwho you are. You are the Duke of Brokedale. The Duchess of Brokedale haslost a valuable tiara of diamonds, and you have not lost your watch.Somebody has stolen the diamonds, and it may be that somewhere there is aBunker who has lost such a watch as I have described. The queer part of itall is,' I continued, handing him the decanter, and taking a couple ofloaded six-shooters out of my escritoire--'the queer part of it all isthat I have the watch and you have the tiara. We'll swap the swag. Handover the bauble, please.'

  "'But--' he began.

  "'We won't have any butting, your Grace,' said I. 'I'll give you thewatch, and you needn't mind the L200; and you must give me the tiara, orI'll accompany you forthwith to the police, and have a search made of yourhat. It won't pay you to defy me. Give it up.'

  "He gave up the hat at once, and, as I suspected, there lay the tiara,snugly stowed away behind the head-band.

  "'You are a great fellow.' said I, as I held the tiara up to the light andwatched with pleasure the flashing brilliance of its gems.

  "'I beg you'll not expose me,' he moaned. 'I was driven to it bynecessity.'

  "'Not I,' I replied. 'As long as you play fair it will be all right. I'mnot going to keep this thing. I'm not married, and so have no use for sucha trifle; but what I do intend is simply to wait until your wife retainsme to find it, and then I'll find it and get the reward. If you keepperfectly still, I'll have it found in such a fashion that you'll never besuspected. If, on the other hand, you say a word about to-night's events,I'll hand you over to the police.'

  "'Humph!' he said. 'You couldn't prove a case against me.'

  "'I can prove any case against anybody,' I retorted. 'If you don't believeit, read my book,' I added, and I handed him a copy of my memoirs.

  "'I've read it,' he answered, 'and I ought to have known better than tocome here. I thought you were only a literary success.' And with adeep-drawn sigh he took the watch and went out. Ten days later I wasretained by the Duchess, and after a pretended search of ten days more Ifound the tiara, restored it to the noble lady, and received the L5000reward. The Duke kept perfectly quiet about our little encounter, andafterwards we became stanch friends; for he was a good fellow, and wasdriven to his desperate deed only by the demands of his creditors, and thefollowing Christmas he sent me the watch I had given him, with the bestwishes of the season.

  "So, you see, gentlemen, in a moment, by quick wit and a mentalconcentration of no mean order, combined with strict observance of thepettiest details, I ferreted out what bade fair to become a great diamondmystery; and when I say that this cigar end proves certain things to mymind, it does not become you to doubt the value of my conclusions."

  "Hear! hear!" cried Raleigh, growing tumultuous with enthusiasm.

  "Your name? your name?" came from all parts of the wharf.

  The stranger, putting his hand into the folds of his coat, drew forth abundle of business cards, which he tossed, as the prestidigitator tossesplaying-cards, out among the audience, and on each of them was foundprinted the words:

  --------------------------- | SHERLOCK HOLMES, | | DETECTIVE. | | | | FERRETING DONE HERE. | | | | _Plots for Sale._ | ---------------------------

  "I think he made a mistake in not taking the L200 for the watch. Suchcarelessness destroys my confidence in him," said Shylock, who was thefirst to recover from the surprise of the revelation.

  "THE STRANGER DREW FORTH A BUNDLE OF BUSINESS CARDS"]