The Pursuit of the House-Boat

by John Kendrick Bangs

  VI

  A CONFERENCE BELOW-STAIRS

  When, with a resounding slam, the door to the upper deck of the House-boatwas shut in the faces of queens Elizabeth and Cleopatra by the unmannerlyKidd, these ladies turned and gazed at those who thronged the stairsbehind them in blank amazement, and the heart of Xanthippe, had one chosento gaze through that diaphanous person's ribs, could have been seen tobeat angrily.

  Queen Elizabeth was so excited at this wholly novel attitude towards herregal self that, having turned, she sat down plump upon the floor in themost unroyal fashion.

  "Well!" she ejaculated. "If this does not surpass everything! The idea ofit! Oh for one hour of my olden power, one hour of the axe, one hour ofthe block!"

  QUEEN ELIZABETH DESIRES AN AXE AND ONE HOUR OF HER OLDENPOWER]

  "Get up," retorted Cleopatra, "and let us all return to the billiard-roomand discuss this matter calmly. It is quite evident that something hashappened of which we wotted little when we came aboard this craft."

  "That is a good idea," said Calpurnia, retreating below. "I can seethrough the window that we are in motion. The vessel has left hermoorings, and is making considerable headway down the stream, and thedistinctly masculine voices we have heard are indications to my mind thatthe ship is manned, and that this is the result of design rather than ofaccident. Let us below."

  Elizabeth rose up and readjusted her ruff, which in the excitement of themoment had been forced to assume a position about her forehead which gaveone the impression that its royal wearer had suddenly donned a sombrero.

  "Very well," she said. "Let us below; but oh, for the axe!"

  "Bring the lady an axe," cried Xanthippe, sarcastically. "She wants to cutsomebody."

  The sally was not greeted with applause. The situation was regarded asbeing too serious to admit of humor, and in silence they filed back intothe billiard-room, and, arranging themselves in groups, stood aboutanxiously discussing the situation.

  "It's getting rougher every minute," sobbed Ophelia. "Look at thosepool-balls!" These were in very truth chasing each other about the tablein an extraordinary fashion. "And I wish I'd never followed you horrid newcreatures on board!" the poor girl added, in an agony of despair.

  "I believe we've crossed the bar already!" said Cleopatra, gazing out ofthe window at a nasty choppy sea that was adding somewhat to thedisquietude of the fair gathering. "If this is merely a joke on the partof the Associated Shades, it is a mighty poor one, and I think it is timeit should cease."

  "Oh, for an axe!" moaned Elizabeth, again.

  "Excuse me, your Majesty," put in Xanthippe. "You said that before, and Imust say it is getting tiresome. You couldn't do anything with an axe.Suppose you had one. What earthly good would it do you, who wereaccustomed to doing all your killing by proxy? I don't believe, if you hadthe unmannerly person who slammed the door in your face lying prostrateupon the billiard-table here, you could hit him a square blow in the neckif you had a hundred axes. Delilah might as well cry for her scissors, forall the good it would do us in our predicament. If Cleopatra had her aspwith her it might be more to the purpose. One deadly little snake likethat let loose on the upper deck would doubtless drive these boors intothe sea, and even then our condition would not be bettered, for thereisn't any of us that can sail a boat. There isn't an old salt among us."

  "Too bad Mrs. Lot isn't along," giggled Marguerite de Valois, whose Gallicspirits were by no means overshadowed by the unhappy predicament in whichshe found herself.

  "I'm here," piped up Mrs. Lot. "But I'm not that kind of a salt."

  "I am present," said Mrs. Noah. "Though why I ever came I don't know, forI vowed the minute I set my foot on Ararat that dry land was good enoughfor me, and that I'd never step aboard another boat as long as I lived.If, however, now that I am here, I can give you the benefit of my nauticalexperience, you are all perfectly welcome to it."

  "I'm sure we're very much obliged for the offer," said Portia, "but in theemergency which has arisen we cannot say how much obliged we are until weknow what your experience amounted to. Before relying upon you we ought toknow how far that reliance can go--not that I lack confidence in you, mydear madam, but that in an hour of peril one must take care to rely uponthe oak, not upon the reed."

  "The point is properly taken," said Elizabeth, "and I wish to say herethat I am easier in my mind when I realize that we have with us solevel-headed a person as the lady who has just spoken. She has spokentruly and to the point. If I were to become queen again, I should make hermy attorney-general. We must not go ahead impulsively, but look at allthings in a calm, judicial manner."

  "Which is pretty hard work with a sea like this on," remarked Ophelia,faintly, for she was getting a trifle sallow, as indeed she might, for theHouse-boat was beginning to roll tremendously, with no alleviation save anoccasional pitch, which was an alleviation only in the sense that it gavevariety to their discomfort. "I don't believe a chief-justice could lookat things calmly and in a judicial manner if he felt as I do."

  "Poor dear!" said the matronly Mrs. Noah, sympathetically. "I know exactlyhow you feel. I have been there myself. The fourth day out I and my wholefamily were in the same condition, except that Noah, my husband, was sovery far gone that I could not afford to yield. I nursed him for six daysbefore he got his sea-legs on, and then succumbed myself."

  "But," gasped Ophelia, "that doesn't help me--"

  "It did my husband," said Mrs. Noah. "When he heard that the boys weresea-sick too, he actually laughed and began to get better right away.There is really only one cure for the _mal de mer_, and that is the fun ofknowing that somebody else is suffering too. If some of you ladies wouldkindly yield to the seductions of the sea, I think we could get this poorgirl on her feet in an instant."

  Unfortunately for poor Ophelia, there was no immediate response to thisappeal, and the unhappy young woman was forced to suffer in solitude.

  "We have no time for untimely diversions of this sort," snapped Xanthippe,with a scornful glance at the suffering Ophelia, who, having retired to acomfortable lounge at an end of the room, was evidently improving. "I haveno sympathy with this habit some of my sex seem to have acquired ofsuccumbing to an immediate sensation of this nature."

  "I hope to be pardoned for interrupting," said Mrs. Noah, with a greatdeal of firmness, "but I wish Mrs. Socrates to understand that it israther early in the voyage for her to lay down any such broad principle asthat, and for her own sake to-morrow, I think it would be well if shewithdrew the sentiment. There are certain things about a sea-voyage thatare more or less beyond the control of man or woman, and any one whochides that poor suffering child on yonder sofa ought to be more confidentthan Mrs. Socrates can possibly be that within an hour she will not be asbadly off. People who live in glass houses should not throw dice."

  "I shall never yield to anything so undignified as seasickness, let metell you that," retorted Xanthippe. "Furthermore, the proverb is not asthe lady has quoted it. 'People who live in glass houses should not throwstones' is the proper version."

  "I was not quoting," returned Mrs. Noah, calmly. "When I said that peoplewho live in glass houses should not throw dice, I meant precisely what Isaid. People who live in glass houses should not take chances. In assumingwith such vainglorious positiveness that she will not be seasick, the ladywho has just spoken is giving tremendous odds, as the boys used to say onthe Ark when we gathered about the table at night and began to make smallwagers on the day's run."

  "I think we had better suspend this discussion," suggested Cleopatra. "Itis of no immediate interest to any one but Ophelia, and I fancy she doesnot care to dwell upon it at any great length. It is more important thatwe should decide upon our future course of action. In the first place, thequestion is who these people up on deck are. If they are the members ofthe club, we are all right. They will give us our scare, and land ussafely again at the pier. In that event it is our womanly duty to manifestno concern, and to seem to be aware of nothing unusual in
the proceeding.It would never do to let them think that their joke has been a good one.If, on the other hand, as I fear, we are the victims of some horde ofruffians, who have pounced upon us unawares, and are going into thebusiness of abduction on a wholesale basis, we must meet treachery withtreachery, strategy with strategy. I, for one, am perfectly willing tomake every man on board walk the plank, having confidence in theseawomanship of Mrs. Noah and her ability to steer us into port."

  "I am quite in accord with these views," put in Madame Recamier, "and Imove you, Mrs. President, that we organize a series of subcommittees--oneon treachery, with Lucretia Borgia and Delilah as members; one onstrategy, consisting of Portia and Queen Elizabeth; one on navigation,headed by Mrs. Noah; with a final subcommittee on reconnoitre, withCassandra to look forward, and Mrs. Lot to look aft--all of thesesubordinated to a central committee of safety headed by Cleopatra andCalpurnia. The rest of us can then commit ourselves and our interestsunreservedly to these ladies, and proceed to enjoy ourselves withoutthought of the morrow."

  "I second the motion," said Ophelia, "with the amendment that MadameRecamier be appointed chair-lady of another subcommittee, onentertainment."

  The amendment was accepted, and the motion put. It was carried with anenthusiastic aye, and the organization was complete.

  The various committees retired to the several corners of the room todiscuss their individual lines of action, when a shadow was observed toobscure the moonlight which had been streaming in through the window. Thefaces of Calpurnia and Cleopatra blanched for an instant, as, immediatelyfollowing upon this apparition, a large bundle was hurled through the openport into the middle of the room, and the shadow vanished.

  "Is it a bomb?" cried several of the ladies at once.

  "Nonsense!" said Madame Recamier, jumping lightly forward. "A man doesn'tmind blowing a woman up, but he'll never blow himself up. We're safeenough in that respect. The thing looks to me like a bundle of illustratedpapers."

  "That's what it is," said Cleopatra, who had been investigating. "It'srather a discourteous bit of courtesy, tossing them in through the windowthat way, I think, but I presume they mean well. Dear me," she added, as,having untied the bundle, she held one of the open papers up before her,"how interesting! All the latest Paris fashions. Humph! Look at thosesleeves, Elizabeth. What an impregnable fortress you would have been withthose sleeves added to your ruffs!"

  "I should think they'd be very becoming," put in Cassandra, standing onher tiptoes and looking over Cleopatra's shoulder. "That Watteau isn'tbad, either, is it, now?"

  "No," remarked Calpurnia. "I wonder how a Watteau back like that would goon my blue alpaca?"

  "Very nicely," said Elizabeth. "How many gores has it?"

  "Five," observed Calpurnia. "One more than Caesar's toga. We had to haveour costumes distinct in some way."

  "A remarkable hat, that," nodded Mrs. Lot, her eye catching sight of aVirot creation at the top of the page.

  "Reminds me of Eve's description of an autumn scene in the garden," smiledMrs. Noah. "Gorgeous in its foliage, beautiful thing; though I shouldn'thave dared wear one in the Ark, with all those hungry animals browsingabout the upper and lower decks."

  "I wonder," remarked Cleopatra, as she cocked her head to one side to takein the full effect of an attractive summer gown--"I wonder how that waistwould make up in blue crepon, with a yoke of lace and a stylishlycontrasting stock of satin ribbon?"

  "It would depend upon how you finished the sleeves," remarked MadameRecamier. "If you had a few puffs of rich brocaded satin set in withdeeply folded pleats it wouldn't be bad."

  "I think it would be very effective," observed Mrs. Noah, "but a trifletoo light for general wear. I should want some kind of a wrap with it."

  "It does need that," assented Elizabeth. "A wrap made of passementerie andjet, with a mousseline de soie ruche about the neck held by a _chou_,would make it fascinating."

  "The committee on treachery is ready to report," said Delilah, rising fromher corner, where she and Lucretia Borgia had been having so animated adiscussion that they had failed to observe the others crowding aboutCleopatra and the papers.

  "'THE COMMITTEE ON TREACHERY IS READY TO REPORT'"]

  "A little sombre," said Cleopatra. "The corsage is effective, but I don'tlike those basque terminations. I've never approved of those fullgodets--"

  "The committee on treachery," remarked Delilah again, raising her voice,"has a suggestion to make."

  "I can't get over those sleeves, though," laughed Helen of Troy. "What isthe use of them?"

  "They might be used to get Greeks into Troy," suggested Madame Recamier.

  "The committee on treachery," roared Delilah, thoroughly angered by theabsorption of the chairman and others, "has a suggestion to make. This isthe third and last call."

  "Oh, I beg pardon," cried Cleopatra, rapping for order. "I had forgottenall about our committees. Excuse me, Delilah. I--ah--was absorbed in othermatters. Will you kindly lay your pattern--I should say your plan--beforeus?"

  "It is briefly this," said Delilah. "It has been suggested that we invitethe crew of this vessel to a chafing-dish party, under the supervision ofLucretia Borgia, and that she--"

  The balance of the plan was not outlined, for at this point the speakerwas interrupted by a loud knocking at the door, its instant opening, andthe appearance in the doorway of that ill-visaged ruffian Captain Kidd.

  "Ladies," he began, "I have come here to explain to you the situation inwhich you find yourselves. Have I your permission to speak?"

  The ladies started back, but the chairman was equal to the occasion.

  "Go on," said Cleopatra, with queenly dignity, turning to the interloper;and the pirate proceeded to take the second step in the nefarious planupon which he and his brother ruffians had agreed, of which the tossing inthrough the window of the bundle of fashion papers was the first.