Liberation Unleashed

by Ilona Ciunaite

  Okay, tell me what comes up when you let this thought in: There is no “I” at all, no separate self, no entity that is in charge of this piece of life, no manager, no controller, no doer, no thinker, no watcher. All there is, is life flowing freely as one movement.

  Write the reaction that comes up to this statement. Sending love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona.

  What is it that you find when looking for “I”?

  I find body, mind, senses existing and doing their job but can’t find an “I” existing. I can see things existing everywhere around but can’t see any “I.”

  What is the first I in your sentence looking for “I”? What is it that you find when looking for “I”?

  Well, I really don’t know, but it looks like this body-mind complex is the “I” which is looking for an “I.” The mind which is working as “I”?!

  Write the reaction that comes up to this statement.

  I feel shocked, surprised; I feel it’s such a joke that there is no self existing. I feel like laughing aloud. Feel sad, depressed too, feel painful, feel sick, feel then, what now? Oh my god. How could this be? This is what I feel as of now. Love, Lakshmi.

  Ilona: Yeah, it’s very simple and not even hidden.

  Write more: What do you notice?

  Was there ever an “I” there?

  Sending love.

  Lakshmi: I see, but yes, the “I” that is usually felt is the mind with this body, probably.

  It is very strange to see the affairs happening around. Every concept and movement around revolves around this so-called “I.” So much of identification which only gives temporary states of happiness, grief, and all other emotions.

  What are all these faiths, beliefs, relationships for when there is no “I” existing?

  Can the illusion of “I” be so powerful that it can dictate everything around?

  It’s relatively easy to look when I am in a happy or a neutral state, but looking is so difficult in an angry, sad, diseased, or suffering state. Only body, mind, senses, and memory exist and are felt and functioning all the time in the day-to-day affairs. From the childhood till the present moment, all that is registered through the senses in the memory is used for living, working, growing, and so forth. Emotions, behavioral patterns, movements are all happening from the stored memory, from conditioning. No one seems to be having any control over the inputs and the outputs of living and life. Everything is just happening and you are a part of it. Like a dry leaf which fell from the tree into the flowing water.

  Some time later…

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona. Whatever I look at, I feel that—other than the existing fact, the picture or the sound—there is a constant labeling of the mind that goes on and on. The silence is broken with the constant chattering of the mind. The thoughts keep on coming from somewhere. When the senses are doing their job, the thoughts come from our saved memory, past, conditioning, expectations, and so forth. There was never an “I” because the “I” that was there when I was child was the label to this body-mind complex which is totally changed and different from what exists now. This can’t be “I.” Was there never any “I”? Thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, reactions are happening as a game, as a sequence, as a jigsaw puzzle. It is just happening, going on and on. No one seems to be having any control. When there is no “I,” then there is only life going on.

  Ilona: Hi Lakshmi.

  The silence is broken with the constant chattering of the mind.

  Yes, there is a voice talking, labeling everything and telling stories.

  The thoughts keep on coming from somewhere.

  Take a good look—where are thoughts coming from? What is behind them? Is there a thinker?

  When the senses are doing their job, the thoughts come from our saved memory, past, conditioning, expectations, and so forth.

  So it appears, but have a closer look.

  Is there “stored memory” in your experience?

  Is there past? Future?

  Is there a container that contains thoughts?

  Is there anyone who the voice is talking to?

  Is anyone listening?

  Are you the voice that keeps talking?

  Examine this closely and write to me the answers that feel true to each question. Sending love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona. Been busy last few days, but looking most of the time, and it’s been a very lovely experience of feeling light. No emotions seem to be staying for long. The answers for the doubts that come up seem to be effortlessly flowing in and making it easy. It feels too good, trust me! Will write to you in more detail in the next two days. Thanks. Regards, Lakshmi.

  Ilona: Sounds lovely! Tell me more.

  Lakshmi: True, the life seems to happen, going on and on. But this mind takes charge, labels and tells stories all the time. It does appear there is a thinker, but that is again the mind which is saying “I” believe. The body, with the mind and senses, is the thinker, actor, feeler, reactor, and it all looks as if it projects and reacts, imagines, creates. Yes! Because otherwise there is no one! The world, the people, the relationships, and their qualities look like jigsaw puzzle pieces fitting into each other and collectively appearing as the world around. There is no thinker, except for the interference and chattering of the mind all the time. Oh, god! But the identification is too much; it appears as the only real thing existing and spins a web of a world around that “I.” Yes, when I look, it seems to be clear. In spite of all this, it still becomes difficult to look in sad moods or so-called hurt moods and mad moods. Yes, the answer does come almost immediately. All the time, the question comes: who is there to hurt, and who is there to get hurt? Wow! Is this true? Is it getting clearer? Anyways, thanks Ilona!! Regards.

  Ilona: Hi Lakshmi.

  The body, with the mind and senses, is the thinker, actor, feeler, reactor, and it all looks as if it projects and reacts, imagines, creates. Yes!

  So it appears! But, is it true?

  Because otherwise there is no one!

  Yes, there is no one. It’s not that something is absent, there is nothing there, emptiness.

  Yes, when I look, it seems to be clear.

  See, every time you look it’s clear. So keep looking in every situation where it appears that there is a doer, chooser, manager, and so forth. Each identification is an invitation to look deeper.

  In spite of all this, it still becomes difficult to look in sad moods or so-called hurt moods and mad moods.

  The thing with feelings is that all they want is to be felt fully and openly. There is no need to analyze feelings. It’s an energetic thing going on. When you name the emotion, it appears solid. When you don’t name it, it’s a movement of sensation. Feel it as it comes, when it comes, and it will pass quickly. You don’t need to do anything else. Just feel. Just watch the energy dance.

  All the time the question comes: who is there to hurt, and who is there to get hurt?

  There is no who. So asking the who question is in itself creating an illusion.

  Is there someone or something that feels?

  Is there an “I” here, right now?

  Is there a doer of this action (reading these words right now)?

  Is it getting clearer?

  Yes! Keep digging. Much love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona. There seems to be nothing existing other than this body-mind complex and the world just runs on the constant chattering of the mind. Mind. Yes, the mind is the one that runs the world. Nothing else is present. The nonstop stories, expectations, chattering, commentary of the mind that’s happening. Everything that’s happening is just with this mind that’s talking. The mind orders and the body reacts. The mind is conditioned day after day and it talks. Every being is a complex of body, mind, and senses together. No, there is no doer to this action of mine right now, whether it’s reading the mail or typing it. Everything is happening. There is a continuous happening. All else is the commentary of the mind and not real. Thanks Ilona. Love.

  Some
time later…

  Lakshmi: The “I” is just a thought from the mind. This thought is the strongest that can ever happen. Then, the drama of the mind unfolds around this “I.” It’s just too much. The world is but the combination of our thoughts, words, and actions. Thoughts mostly look like they are coming from somewhere not known.

  Ilona:

  There seems to be nothing existing other than this body-mind complex.

  Really? So body exists and nothing else does? Interesting.

  And the world just runs on the constant chattering of the mind. Mind. Yes, the mind is the one that runs the world. Nothing else is present.

  What is this mind you are talking about?

  What does the word “mind” point to?

  The nonstop stories, expectations, chattering, commentary of the mind that’s happening.

  Are stories all there is?

  Take a look at what is underneath the stories.

  Does experience need stories in order to be happening?

  Test with the senses. When you taste something, does the experience of tasting require a story to make it happen?

  Get out of the head and into sensations and see what else is there.

  The “I” is just a thought from the mind. This thought is the strongest that can ever happen.

  No, it is not. It’s an empty thought. What is it that makes it strong?

  The world is but the combination of our thoughts, words, and actions.

  The thoughts about the world create an image. But there is something else here besides a mind-created image in imagination.

  What is here, now? Take a look.

  Thoughts mostly look like they are coming from somewhere not known.

  Take a good look.

  Where are thoughts coming from?

  Look till you see.

  Lakshmi: No, the experience doesn’t need any stories. The experience of tasting doesn’t need a story, definitely. The experience is going on and will go on without all this commentary. The mind I meant is a bundle of thoughts. The body I meant is this physical body which I can see with the senses. The sensations are happening and it is happening. No stories or anything required for this. The “I” is just an empty thought but gets stronger with the stories, desires, expectations, and so forth. Yes, otherwise it is an empty thought. Will keep writing. Thanks, Lakshmi.

  Ilona:

  The mind I meant is the bundle of thoughts.

  What is a bundle of thoughts? Is that not just another thought?

  Check if there is some kind of container that holds thoughts in a bundle.

  Have a good look; what is the “I” that sees?

  What is seeing?

  What is looking?

  Is there a line between “I” and the senses in experience?

  What is it that makes the I-thought stronger?

  These are a few more questions to play with. Sending love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona. Yes, there is no container of thoughts, definitely. It’s just another thought or a label given to the thoughts that flow, probably. No, neither the “I” nor the senses seem to be existing as such except that the actions are happening and the labeling goes on, which we express in words and names. No, there is no line. The senses are acting, the actions are happening, and the rest is the labeling or the commentary. Will write more. Thanks, love.

  Ilona: Dear Lakshmi, Good work. Let’s explore language today. Notice how language creates a doer that is doing the action. See how the subject is part of labeling action.

  I breathe—breathing is happening. Is it “I” that does breathing?

  Does it matter which words describe experience?

  Does description affect what is happening?

  There is a labeling exercise on my blog [see page 76 in this book]. Please do it and write to me with what you noticed. Explore language through the day while talking to people, listening, reading, and so on. Sending love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona. Yes, I just did the exercise in the post that you sent. When I was doing the first part, I felt a sort of palpitation and pain here and there. When I did the second part, there was a sort of emptiness and hollowness and vacuum in the body, as if it was all empty inside. What I felt at the end, when I compared, is that actions happen without me and are happening anyway and are truer than the actions with me because labels are not affecting the experience and are only used for describing. “I” is just used for communication, description. It doesn’t have any existence. Love, Lakshmi.

  Ilona: Nice! Yes, description is practical and useful in communication. :) You are getting close.

  How about the word “I”?

  Is it empty or does it point to a separate entity that life is happening to?

  When the word “I” is used in the description of what is happening, does it mean that the entity appears?

  Sending love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona. The word “I” is definitely empty, except that it is used for communication or refers to that particular body-mind complex. It is empty because things happen whether or not it is used. “I” is another thought, and with a big commentary around it constantly. “I” refers to no entity. Nothing appears or disappears with “I.” Whatever is there, is there irrespective of “I.” Whatever has to happen will be happening. Love, Lakshmi.

  Ilona: Yes!

  How does it feel to see this?

  Are you noticing anything different in everyday experience?

  Can you say that, yes, it is clear, there is no separate entity “I.” If not, is there anything else that needs to be looked at?

  Sending love.

  Lakshmi: Yes, Ilona, things are different in everyday experience. The answers especially seem to be flowing the moment a question arises in day-to-day incidents. The same thing is proven again and again, that it is all a game of the mind. As of now, I don’t feel like there is a separate “I,” but sometimes at times of hurt the “I” seems real until looking happens again. Thanks so much. How could you make this all so simple? I know there is no one to make it happen, It happens. Please help till the Gate is crossed. Much love.

  Ilona: Hi Lakshmi. Keep looking.

  What is behind the hurt when it arises?

  See how it passes when it’s noticed. The mind is checking this in every situation. “I” is never real. Sometimes it’s a habitual assumption that comes back, but as you notice when looking, it’s never found. After a while this looking drops. But don’t wait for it. It may take a long time, or not. The hurt is a reaction to a touch of a painful spot. You may look at it and thank it for showing up. It’s an opportunity to release it rather than resisting. Instead of the usual no, you can start saying yes to intense feelings, and just feel them openly. Each reaction is an invitation to look. Feelings pass quickly if there is no grasping.

  Surrendering is what is left when resistance to what is ends.

  When feelings arise, give them space. Feel them, honor them.

  Are there separate entities in other people?

  How do you see your closest ones?

  How about strangers on the street?

  Much love.

  Lakshmi: Amazing! Superbly told! Will answer these questions soon. Thanks, regards. Love.

  Later…

  Yes, the hurt just passes when I start looking through. It is taking time to look during those times.

  Things changed, Ilona, and it’s just superb—is it so simple? There is—no “I.” Yes! The reactions are passing easily, feeling light. No, there cannot be any separate entities in other people, just the same body-mind complex…differently conditioned, so reacting differently. Otherwise the machines are the same. Yes, my closest ones and the strangers are the same as I described, but with the close ones there is this body attachment with love and other feelings. It feels easy to understand everyone, closest ones and strangers, because it’s all happening and there is no one to do anything. Thanks. Love.

  Ilona: Sweet! Yes, there is no one here doing anything. All is one movement of life
.

  Are you ready for the final questions?

  If not, what else we can look at?

  Sending love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona, Want to look into few more aspects before the final ones! Will keep writing. Thanks for all this. Love.

  Ilona: Share with me what you are noticing. Love.

  Lakshmi: Hi Ilona. Been looking! Just a few thoughts that I would like to share. The questions about the horrible things that happen around us in this world disturb me. Like the rapes, murders; these things hurt and make it difficult to understand that things happen and deeds are done but there is no doer! Well, as I write, thoughts come that say, yes, this is it, but the doubting mind interferes. But, Ilona, I can’t stop saying that this is an amazing drama unfolding in front of our eyes—and you made it so simple. Please tell me what it is that I need to do for that final step.

  What is all this? Feeling responsible, sacrificing, and so on which are used so much in the Indian context—are they man-made? Good and bad? Help and hurt? They vary according to people, situations, and all sorts of factors. These things are confusing when looked at. Yes, all this is the mind chattering, and the actions are a result of the conditioning. All actions are the result of those thoughts over which there is no control, and then there are the reactions to all these actions. It looks like a cycle.