As far as I can see, this life, this universe, is not a senseless and purposeless creation/dream. Just because I can’t see exactly what that reason really is, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t one. I also sense that the story is there for a reason. Probably just for fun. In a way, this entire dream seems like a giant and brilliant story factory to me! At one point, it may be seen that this is all BS, but at the time I sense that this point of view really supports me, that I could focus on what kind of story I would like if I choose to focus, so in this sense, it would seem that I could choose to imagine a horror story or a love story. Of course, from where or from what would that choice come? From where or from what would all the imagined details come? It would seem that as long as the story “I am able to imagine” is of my liking, I easily could say: “I imagine that story!” Whereas that story to the left I would then say, “That story just arose.”
In actuality, do you choose which story plays in the head?
The story “I can choose any story” is another story. Is that story true?
When I woke up from a six-day coma last year (without any near-death experience), the first thing I remembered was a very intense and angry discussion about Who the fuck is driving the bus here? The next thing I remembered was that “something/somebody” presented me with a question: Do you want to stay here (in this dream) or do you want to leave it? I heard the sound of rain and “decided” to stay here. I am aware that in order to choose one over the other, there must be a preference already set. Otherwise, how could I prefer one thing over another?! What put that preference there, and how it came there, I have no idea.
The way I see it at times, it can be very constructive to assume that there would be free will, but at other times it is more constructive to accept that there isn’t. For example, if I ask “What else is possible?”—or “What are the infinite possibilities for this body to show up as completely healed?”—I could say that those questions just show up, as well as the possible options. It could also be that nothing will show up, who knows? And, no, I have absolutely no choice in what story is playing in my head, it even would seem that I have absolutely no choice if something makes me become aware of the story playing, or if I’m just seduced by the story. Yes, it’s a sweet story that I have, at times, sort of, free will—LOL!
If you really could choose any story, would this story be the one being repeated over and over again?
No, no story is good enough to be repeated over and over again in my head. If I could choose, I would choose no story!
Reaction to a story is what keeps it going. Reaction of resistance. Resisting what is.
Yes, I came to see this beautifully today. Resistance is a friend. Beautiful! This is something else I also came to see today more clearly. I seldom use the word “but,” because it’s a complete negation of what I said/wrote before I introduced that word. I prefer “and”—like “Okay, I’m in bed now, and what else is possible?” It’s like the saying that goes, “What you resist, persists.” And what else is possible?
So for a few minutes, feel your situation, feel it fully. Feel resistance and let all just be okay. Just for a couple of minutes allow this to be okay as it is. If you can, welcome it all and bow in honor, thanking this.
Sweet, sweet, sweeet!
Thank you so much, Ilona! These inquiries are priceless! Like the commercials go, and for everything else, use the MasterCard. LOL.
Friederich: Dear Ilona, In my excitement, I forgot to tell you how the little exercise went. While being with the resistance, I suddenly remembered a process I learned about fourteen years ago that’s called “Core Transformation.”
So, I ask that resistance, “What is it that you want to get by resisting?” Surprisingly, it said, I want to ensure that you get out of bed. LOL! It was so beautiful because I could clearly see how utterly innocent that part was. A very honorable intention, but, completely useless. What is so beautiful about it is the fact that the intention was utterly good—loving!
I did the same with the intolerance of noise. When I asked, “What is it that you want to achieve with this anger towards noise?” The answer was, Peace. When I dug further, asking, “If you have total and complete peace, all the time, no matter what, what is it that you would like to achieve through that?” The answer was, Being. Just amazing being, no matter what!
It was so beautiful to realize that, no matter the appearance (anger, resistance), the underlying (misdirected) intention is always good! Loving! So, I feel deep appreciation for you having pointed those inquiries out to me! Big hug!
Ilona: Nice! Yes, all is love, sometimes in disguise. It is one thing to see that separate self is illusion, it’s another thing to say yes to whatever comes up.
Say yes to lying in bed. Accept that as it is. Surrender to this.
See if there is something that wants to escape this situation. Say yes to that too, and let this be okay. See what is behind it. And deeper, and deeper. Till you are seeing that situation as it is, perfect for you as it is. Rest in that. Sending love.
Friederich: Accepting what is, and surrendering to it, feels right and light—and how can that happen? I have no clue about how to accomplish that.
Some things seem easy to accept while some others, not so much. Some others, impossible. There is something that is just plain denying it. For example, I’ve been lying in bed for more than five years (except for a few months, when I could sit in the wheelchair). My argument goes like this: “It’s already challenging having to live life with a paralyzed body, that’s enough for one lifetime! And now, having to accept lying in bed also? No way!” Especially so when this lying in bed happens in a surrounding that has very noisy music all day and all night. I sense that I have the right to at least lie in bed in a quiet and peaceful place! This is plain torture! No human being should ever have to live that way! Why should any human being have to live in something it just doesn’t like? That’s insane! Even if I could accept and surrender to this torture, for what good would that be?
How could that be love?! I have no plans to play Jesus or, for that matter, another martyr! As I see it, that time is over! I don’t think that spirituality or non-duality is to be taken that way! Or am I wrong?! If there truly is no me (which I haven’t found) why not just take this body out of circulation (life)? Why endure all this torture just to have the same experience a few days, months, or years later?
I’m aware that this is a very fierce e-mail, and (just in case, but I’m pretty sure you won’t) it’s not personal. I’m just desperate! Since I’m living in this noisy country (Colombia), I’m trying to be at peace with noise. I have moved places countless times, and thanks to progress (electricity being brought to remote places, sound equipment cheaper and more powerful), the noise always reaches me again. Relentless. It seems like the more I enjoy stillness and quietness, the noisier my environment gets. And, since I have to lie in bed, I can’t escape it!
I know you don’t have one, but just in case you do: a magic bullet?
Thanks for reading this far, Ilona!
Ilona:
Accepting what is, and surrendering to it, feels right and light—and how can that happen? I have no clue about how to accomplish that.
It’s not an accomplishment, it’s giving up trying.
Some things seem easy to accept while some others, not so much. Some others, impossible.
Yes, I know what you mean. But once again, the awakening journey is about surrender. All that is showing up is already accepted on the deepest level. It is here because of all the conditions and circumstances. If it’s happening, it’s exactly what should be happening. How to know that? It’s already here.
Yes, there is a huge resistance to what is happening. Can you accept that this resistance is here and just let it be here for a few minutes? Feel it fully and allow it fully.
Then look behind it, what is there? What is resisting what is? What needs to be protected by this resistance?
I’m aware that this is
a very fierce e-mail, and (just in case, but I’m pretty sure you won’t) it’s not personal. I’m just desperate!
Yes, it is a fierce expression, and it is an honest one. All good. What needs to be expressed is allowed and welcomed. There is anger and fear, there is desperation. It’s okay to feel as you feel.
But look behind, what is behind the sensations?
Yeah, I can imagine the noise and frustration. There is something to look at here too. What is trying to escape the noise?
I know you don’t have one, but just in case you do: a magic bullet?
Ha ha, nope, I have no magic bullet, only red pills. Sending you love. Keep digging, you are getting close.
Friederich: There is great mastery in resisting whatever is, and an absolute cluelessness about how to be open and accepting of whatever is.
Although I would say that there is total and complete willingness to let go of resistance of what is, a clear recognition of the total and complete insanity of resisting what is (because it is already existing), at the same time, there is also complete and utter powerlessness over the process of letting go.
There is an immense desire to let go of resistance because it is so clearly seen that there are only two choices: completely letting go of resistance and being at peace and happy (maybe even able to marvel and celebrate what is), or to resist what is and suffer immeasurable pain, including physical pain.
At least there is a loving recognition of the innocence of this resistance; from its point of view, it is trying to protect me, and give me peace. It just does not work at all! Any clue? Any probing questions?
Thanks, Ilona.
Ilona: Yes, it is total insanity. It all already is. So you can bang your head against the wall and be upset about it or just say, “Hmm, I wonder, what else is here that can be looked at and just watched.”
You are seeing it, resistance is pointless. And yet it is here. Accept resistance and thank it for doing such a great job.
Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look.
Bow to it in honor. Notice the mechanism is working perfectly.
From its point of view, it is trying to protect me, and give me peace. It just does not work at all!
If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting? Keep writing every day! Sending love.
Friederich: What drives me most crazy is the fact that if I could push a button and all the resistance would be gone, I would. The problem (or maybe a blessing in disguise) is that it doesn’t matter if I would rather give up resisting or not, it is still there! It doesn’t care about my vote. It feels like I have absolutely no say in this. I’m feeling like an endlessly punished or “tested” puppet! Don’t I have already enough by being paralyzed, and having to lie in bed? Do I really have to deal with all this resistance also?
Is this what this character’s life is all about—completely and totally senseless and useless struggle, “working” on giving up resistance without succeeding? How absolutely pointless!
“Unfair” comes to my mind! While other people are having fun, this character is utterly, hopelessly struggling to just give up resisting! This predicament is so utterly pointless that it almost makes me laugh! (No wonder people came up with karma and working up past life’s sin! LOL!)
It reminds me of the year and a half I participated in ayahuasca sessions. Almost every fifteen days, I asked for unconditional love to be shown. I got unconditional hell! Interestingly enough, each following session, there was absolutely no effect from the ayahuasca. Not a slightest physiological or psychological alteration! Like if I would have drunk a strong tea, it didn’t even matter how much I drank! But the following time, oh boy, oh boy! Never saw something, just felt horrible guilt and despair for almost two hours, then it faded slowly away (but, as I see it now, with no actual dissolving of those patterns).
Can you see that resistance is a friend? If not, have a look.
No. I can’t! I see it rather as something that is standing in the way (quite pointless and useless, may I say) to my peace and happiness! I rather feel like a completely senseless and unfairly, cruelly punished victim!
What is behind resistance? I have no clue. This is another point that drives me crazy! You are asking me on and on what is “behind”! And, all that comes up is nothing! (It’s not nothing as much as no thing. I just don’t see anything.)
If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting?
No, but the “problem” is that it is not something I am doing, it’s something that is just happening like the weather!
Will there ever be an end to this? While I can truly see that resistance has lessened regarding a lot of issues, there simply seems to be a never-ending supply of other issues. It’s almost like Pandora’s box!
Thank you for reading and letting me pour out!
Ilona: That is only unfair if you are the character. But, are you the character?
The way I see it, love has many forms and shapes. It is not just a happy, joyful, expanded feeling, it is also the deepest, darkest, most horrible hole. It is everything. The intensity of feeling (whatever is being felt) is the intensity of love.
Love burns through all conditioning. If it is showing up as darkness, that too is love, in disguise. It too is a gift. Unconditional love is unbound, it’s what is being felt with no conditions.
The love that you seek is your own love for yourself.
Love is not what you think. It’s what you feel. Including thousands of its shapes and forms. In the end it’s all about loving what is. The relationship with what is equals love manifesting. If you are saying no to reality, love feels like resistance, like tension, suffering. Can you see what I’m saying?
The heart wants to love, freely and openly.
The mind is guarding it from being hurt. The mind is protecting the heart. The conflict is that the mind sets conditions. Trying to fit love into what is acceptable and what is not. Love is too big for that. So it hurts.
What is behind resistance? I have no clue. This is another point that drives me crazy! You are asking me on and on what is “behind”! And, all that comes up is nothing! (It’s not nothing as much as no thing. I just don’t see anything.)
Yes! Nothing. Nothing at all. Good that you see that! It’s not the absence of the answer. It is the answer. There is nothing there. At all.
How does that make you feel?
It is not something I am doing, it’s something that is just happening like the weather!
The pattern is here till it isn’t.
Once the hole in the system is punctured, there is a collapsing time and cleanup time. So be patient and notice that there is something happening. There is no control over it. So just watch it unfold. Enjoy the ride, if you can. Sending love.
Friederich:
That is only unfair if you are the character. But, are you the character?
At times, there is less identification with a character, and at other times, there is more. If the wind machine is relatively quiet or peaceful, it is easier to just watch it. At all times, rather full identification is going on.
What if you are not able to see hell as a gift? Is it still a gift? To whom?
Unconditional love is unbound, it’s what is being felt with no conditions.
If “unconditional love” would be present, wouldn’t that be the end of hell and suffering?!
The love that you seek is your own love for yourself.
Sounds true. The question is, how to see that?!
In the end it’s all about loving what is.
Yeah: I know. Byron Katie, that’s just so that she hated her life and everything else, with all her heart, until awakening happened, and she was gone! [Byron Katie, author of the book Loving What Is, describes her experience before awakening as being full of hate for her life. Once she awakened, she fell deeply in love with what is.] After that, yes, she had to go through feelings of intense guilt and shame and so on—who doesn’t?! It’s rather easy to “love what is�
� when you play in the sunshine!
Yes, I can see what you are saying, and like I wrote above, who wouldn’t “love what is” if you are playing in the sunshine, or at least if your mind patterns/psychological patterns are not causing you any major troubles! But what about when you have been living in hell for forty years? Except for a few days of sunshine, and then you think, Oh, my goodness, I think something really shifted finally for the better! just to be back in hell a few days later. Honestly, this is one of the cruellest way of having to “live”! Talk about the perfect torture!
Trying to fit love into what is acceptable and what is not.
So, are you saying that I better prepare myself to live for the rest of my life living in hell, and loving it? If that is all that is possible, I would rather take myself out of the game!
Yes! Nothing. Nothing at all. Good that you see that! It’s not the absence of answer. It is the answer. There is nothing there. At all.
No, I didn’t mean that. What I meant was: resistance is all that is. Resistance is it. It’s all there is to life! (At least to this one.) Resistance is what life is. Period.
If it is not helping, is there a need to keep resisting?
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