Liberation Unleashed

by Ilona Ciunaite

  5. Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

  This for me has been a biggie. The final place I found as the refuge for the belief in a self was in being the controller. The story I had been telling myself was that no matter how varied my life circumstances, I had been in control. In my many years as a class teacher, I had prided myself in having a lovely system of control. As a practicing Buddhist teacher for years, I had taught the central role of volition in creating karma: Do battle with the root poisons. Overcome the self. And so on and so on.

  I see that the belief in a controller is such a big lie. There is no one in control. It’s all an illusion. There are thoughts of wanting to control; there are really urgent, even painful feelings of wanting to control. There is even identification with the thought I am in control. But that’s all there is. That’s how nature works, how evolution works, how survival works. And it works for survival. But there is nobody doing that. It’s all nature’s programming doing its job really well.

  Do I intend anything? No “me” needed to intend. Intending, organizing, knowing when a task is complete, when a need is met is all there in the program. Even my hens can do that when they lay their eggs.

  All the things in my life, like getting to school on time, looking after the kids, all happen because the habits and tendencies are all there, making it all work smooth as clockwork.

  Even in the higher order, events happen by themselves. Going on LU, reading the gatecrashing book, reflecting, looking for a self: these happen by themselves. Now that is an amazing miracle—new ideas, new contacts, LU guidance, all just happening, unfolding all by themselves. It’s just a wave of energy and tendencies all bundling along.

  What a relief! That burden is more and more being laid down. I don’t have to worry about control, or make others feel they need to exercise control. It feels so much more like play.

  6. Anything to add?

  Ilona, I’m aware that all this might sound a bit euphoric, a bit too much like a big conversion high, but it’s been five weeks now, and the falling off has been steady and incremental. In many ways, I feel that life is just the same as before. I often forget this central awareness of no self, being involved where I am and in what I am doing, in being anxious, fearful, excited about success, but the awareness seems to come back quite quickly, and the deep sense of peace with it. This is such an amazing gift. The greatest gift. Look, I’ve gone euphoric again!

  That’s it so far, Ilona. I just sat down and wrote this straight off without reflecting or correcting, in the belief it would more easily show any gaps or snags, or caught legs.

  With much gratitude, Marty.

  Ilona: Hi Marty, Thank you for the answers. They were delightful to read! I’m very happy for you and your wife—what a joyful turn of events. You have each other to share support on this journey—so beautiful. I can see from your answers that the Gate was crossed with both legs. Great! And of course it’s just a beginning, a fresh start, there is much to explore. I’d love to invite you to Facebook groups. Could I post our conversation on my blog? It may be helpful for someone else. I can use your name or whatever name you prefer. Much love to you both. Huge smile.

  Marty: Hi Ilona, I am thrilled to get the thumbs-up from you. I have been nervous, waiting to hear from you! I have tears in my eyes as I write. I cannot stress enough how grateful I am to you for this wonderful gift. Yes, very happy to have our conversation available under my name. Yes, I’d love to go on the site on that link and find my way around. I’d love to help others, and would like some help and training on that.

  Much love and gratitude, Marty.

  Ilona: You are most welcome! I love to hear that you are interested in sharing this gift with others. This is the biggest gift to me, when you pass it on. It makes this work spread and frees people’s minds from confusion. What can be a bigger gift than freedom?

  Much love to you and your wife.

  I received the following from Marty after a little time had passed.

  Since the Gate…

  I crossed the Gate about six weeks ago now, and there have been a few times when it crossed my mind, Did it really happen? Maybe I made it up! Doubt about the crossing arose several times.

  Perhaps the most frequent trigger has been, So, I haven’t changed that much. I’m still having feelings I don’t want, boredom, anxiety, irritation.

  The triggers have been linked to some unreal expectations I still carry, lurking out of sight: expectations of becoming a much-improved person. It’s interesting to recollect that I needed to face unrealistic expectations when I got stuck at the Gate (stage five of the seven-step guide).

  When doubt arose, a few things helped me: When I check, I am sure, for certain, that there is no self. And that was what I set out to discover. So, no doubt about the truth of that. So, the doubt has been about the effects of crossing, rather than the “event” of crossing. However, when I look at what has changed, I am in no doubt that the changes have been significant and not faked. For a start, some of the changes were a surprise. Some very old feelings of guilt have evaporated. I am much more patient with demanding little grandchildren. Addiction to eBay searching has vanished. What’s more, these changes have been quite gradual, not driven by decision, so they are much more reliable. The change to how I see the world around me has been mega. I have also benefited from reading and reflecting on articles on LU. Particularly, the “After the Fall” article by Scott Kiloby. But of most significance, I am in contact with people who have crossed the Gate, and benefit hugely from chatting and checking things out. I am really transparent with these friends. I “tell on myself,” as Scott would say. (I had the delight of guiding one of these friends, using the steps.) This kind of after-Gate support is so helpful.

  So, the single piece of advice I would give is: make contact with other Gate crossers.

  Six months later…

  For some time after the Gate I felt the urge to review my relationship with Buddhism, and to reread some key texts. Was I a Buddhist after all? What I did find was that I recognized at once what those texts were saying when it came to recognizing no self. Only now, it seems so clear and simple, and without any need for further supporting beliefs or special practices. Now, it so happened that when I resigned some years ago from the Triratna Buddhist Order, I had kept my Buddhist name of Adiccabandhu. As a result of going through the Gate, I could see that I hadn’t quite let go of my identity as a member of a Buddhist order, even though I had left the order some years ago. I returned to full use of my birth name, Marty.

  These recent months since the Gate have seen a change in my relationships. It has become more and more clear to me that transforming relationship is what life is about!

  During our long walks, Meg and I occasionally review how things have been for us since the Gate, and it has been great to do that. We are blessed with a harmonious relationship, and that seems to have become even more easy.

  My relationship with my five grandchildren has continued to evolve more and more into a “going with the flow” style. What has surprised me is that I feel the occasional misunderstanding or disagreement with them very keenly. It really hits me in the gut. I guess the consequence is that I am far more careful when I feel reactive to some perceived slight!

  My friendships have certainly been affected. Any friend who seems like he or she could be interested in liberation gets a copy of Gateless Gatecrashers and a print-off of Ilona’s seven steps. So far, I have guided three of my friends. I am touched by the trust that these friends put in LU and in my guiding, and the result has been an even deeper friendship, with lovely communication between us. What greater gift can you give a friend? But the gift is also to myself. In guiding others, I revisit for myself the seven steps. And in so doing, come across a deeper and deeper realization of how things run.

  Right now, my current realization is that all meaning is imagined. All my relationships, all m
y activities, are based on an imagined world, on my own worldview. My world is constantly built on interpretations of direct experience in the moment. And that is so amazing, what the mind can do. It can imagine anything!

  So, the liberation process is still unfolding for me on a day-by-day basis. I know now that all I need do is just simply stay with my experience as it arises, with an increasingly easy acceptance of the imperfections that are bundling along as me. And, likewise, with an increasingly easy acceptance of the imperfections that are bundling along as friends, family, and people around me.

  All the while, I have continued to read books about liberation and watch various online recordings. There is certainly a lot of awakening going on in the world right now. What I find is that none of the books or the online recordings match LU for clarity and directness.

  While some liberated people describe their way to seeing with warmth, their accounts don’t offer a bridge to cross. Others offer exercises that seem to have no effect.

  It seems to me that LU goes straight to the core, without any grand claims or a need to stand on some holy ground to break through. You just get to see as clear as day that there is no self. No frills, plain and simple!

  So, personally I would recommend anyone who seriously wants to be liberated to go for the direct LU approach.

  Seven Steps

  As more and more people came to me with an intention to look, I decided to put a basic map on my blog; I called it the “Start Here” page. I outlined the steps that I had noticed in the looking process. People followed them, and for some the steps were enough for them to see. If you are working with these steps, you can follow their order or not. The point is to verify what is true in experience—your experience. It is more important to describe what you see as true than to agree or disagree with what the steps suggest. If going through the steps is uncomfortable, you are doing them correctly. Intensity is part of this process.

  These steps are guidelines only. The journey is taking you for a ride, and life is the best guide—all that is not in harmony will come up as tension. Your reactions to suggestions will show you the way forward and outline ideas that you are holding on to. Shoulds and should nots that come up will show blockages in the way. When stuck, always come back to expectations. They are distortions hiding and protecting beliefs. When the path is cleared and readiness is ripe, seeing happens.

  You will need a pen and paper or whatever medium for recording that you prefer.

  It’s important to remember to look, to follow the pointers, to investigate, and to write down what you feel to be true.

  Step One: Clearing the Path—Meeting the Fear

  Here you are, ready to begin. Write this down:

  There is no separate self at all in reality—no agent in charge, no manager, no watcher, no owner of life; all there is, is life flowing freely as one movement, one reality, one life, one nature, one intelligence, one god, one flow, whatever word resonates most. The separate self, or “I,” is an illusion; there never was such an entity and never will be.

  What happens when you allow this thought in? What comes up? Is there fear? Is there doubt? Resistance? Frustration? Something that wants to scream and make you turn away? Something that says this is not working? Or maybe there is feeling of wow, joy, or relief?

  Watch, wait, notice, and write!

  Notice all that is going on inside and just put it down in writing. Note what bodily sensations show up.

  … … … …

  Done? Okay. Bring it all closer.

  If there is fear? Focus on the fear. Ask it to come closer.

  Notice that it’s a protection mechanism. The fear itself is like a door; it keeps you from looking behind the door. But it’s just fear. On closer inspection, it is a certain sensation in the body. Look for it now. It’s okay for it to be here; it is only a sensation, and it is doing its job of warning against danger. Something is there feeling the threat, and it is being protected. Just let fear be there. Honor it. Acknowledge its presence with respect and gratitude. Check to see where you feel it physically in the body. Notice the sensations.

  Ask these questions and watch what comes up:

  What is the fear itself?

  What is it protecting?

  What needs to be protected?

  What is it that feels threatened?

  Ask the fear (literally) to reveal why it’s here. Ask it what it is trying to tell you; ask the fear to share its wisdom. What does it want to tell you?

  If there is no self and never was, then there is nothing that needs to be protected.

  Honor the feeling. Bow to it. Thank it for doing its job so perfectly. Notice that it is here to protect; it’s a friend. Fear is really love in disguise. It is only showing you where to look. Fear points to the dark areas that need to be explored. Fear is not meant to be feared.

  Now look behind the fear.

  Is there anything behind it?

  If so, what? And what is behind that?

  What do you find?

  If the mind gets blank, silently notice that the silence is not the absence of an answer, it is the answer. Let that sink in.

  Done?

  If you passed this stage and saw that there is nothing behind the fear, you are ready for the next step. If the fear is strong, if it feels like panic or terror, you may refer to the chapter “Fear Is a Sensation.” It can help you to investigate fear more closely. You may also use the emotional freedom technique (EFT), which you can find online, to reduce the intensity to a more comfortable level.

  Step Two: Strip Away All Expectations

  Just write all your answers out and examine them. Your full honesty is key here—find all the expectations and write them down, then look for the hidden expectations. The chapter “Expectations Are Like Clouds That Cover the Sunshine” may be of use here.

  What do you expect liberation is going to be like?

  What do you want from it?

  How do you imagine an awakened human behaves?

  What will liberation feel like?

  What do you expect to be different from now?

  What will liberation give you, and what do you hope for?

  What do you not want it to be like?

  Once you write out all of your expectations, accept that they get in the way of seeing with fresh eyes, and leave them behind in order to take a fresh look. If you continue to cling to your expectations, go back and reread the chapter “Expectations Are Like Clouds That Cover the Sunshine,” then look at what is behind the expectations. What is there that feels threatened?

  No matter what you expect, the reality of the situation is not going to be exactly as you imagined. Any time you feel stuck, come back to your expectations. If you think that something should be happening, but it isn’t, there is an expectation behind the thought. Expectations are not useful when looking; they are in the way.

  Once your list of expectations is complete, examine it: which expectation will be hardest to let go of?

  What is it that wants things to be different? Are these expectations yours? What is it that you are trying to hold on to?

  What is, is simply here. Thinking makes this appear complex, when all is very simple.

  Once you have dealt with fears and expectations, you can start exploring the next step.

  Step Three: Get in Touch with the Real

  Now it’s time to get in touch with the real. By “real” I mean the direct, immediate experience that is happening versus the imagined.

  By “real” I mean that which is actually here and does not disappear if you stop imagining and believing in it. It’s right here, right now, and it’s what is.

  Try this exercise.

  Try This for Yourself Close your eyes.

  Imagine that you are holding a spoon.

  Imagine its form, size, weight, and temperature; feel the imaginary spoon as vividly as you possibly can for a few minutes.

  Do this exercise before reading further.

  … … …
…

  Open your eyes; is there a spoon here, in real life? Was there ever a spoon?

  How did you see that there is no spoon?

  What happened to the spoon?

  Did it disappear or did it ever exist?

  How about the sense perceptions you felt while imagining the spoon? Were they real? Were sensations happening?

  Notice that there was no boom and no bright-light flashes in the eyes when you no longer imagined the imaginary spoon.

  Look around the room and notice what is real. What is here now?

  Can you see an absence of a spoon? Can you see “no-spoon” flying around? When you stop imagining a spoon, does something else replace it? A fork or something?

  Here are another exercise.

  Try This for Yourself Close your eyes and imagine you are in the kitchen. Just visualize and look around; notice where things are put. Notice the space, the feel of it.

  See it in your mind’s eye. This is an image: it can trigger feelings, contractions, expansions, thought stories and the feelings attached to them. Watch this triggering at play.

  Open your eyes and see how an image can be created and explored in the mind. (This happens constantly. The mind is like a movie; scenes, scenarios, conversations, and memories are all playing out.)

  Go to the kitchen and look at the same things that you saw in the image. How do imagining and experiencing the same things differ? Is the experience of the image of the kitchen and the experience of the actual kitchen the same?

  What are the biggest differences?

  Write down your observations.

  Now for the fun part: