Her smile was warm and patient. He could see her for the first time, as a mother to a child, kindness softening her rough edges. “Let him love you.”
He returned to the bedroom, still unsure of what to do, but when he entered, he saw that Steve had indeed moved from the bed where Matt had left him. He was taking the pictures down. “Hi. Sorry, but you said you wanted done with these.”
Matt sat on the bed and took one of the pictures into his hands, setting the bottom on his lap. He stared into the eyes of the man that looked like him. Drawn in pencil, but the artist had captured the man’s lighter hair, his scruff of beard.
“This one can stay.”
Steve took it from him, setting it with the others leaning on the bed. Matt watched him dropping to his knees and he set his hands on Matt’s thighs. “I don’t need it. I have the real thing to look at any time I’d like.”
“Am I…am I bad for you? Do you think I’m too messed up to be what you want me to be?”
Instead of answering, he asked a question of his own. “What do you think I want you to be?”
That stuck him good. “I don’t know. A strong, dominant man. I’m gonna be weak as heck sometimes, ya know? I’m going to need you to take the reins.”
“And like a good submissive, the moment you ask, or even the moment I sense that, I’ll do what you need me to do. I know we met under the worst circumstances that we possibly could have. You’re going to go through a lot as you part from your compound and family, trying to find out who you are now. I don’t want to hinder that, and I don’t want to stop that. I want to help with that. I want to make it easier for you to go through all you need to do to heal yourself. At the same time, maybe I’ll heal from things too.”
“Like what?”
He didn’t say another word, but he did pull his shirt from his back, letting it fall over Matt’s thighs. Steve’s eyes closed, his hand moving slowly to his chest and a finger traced a nasty roundish scar on the left side of his chest.
Steve had told him that the reason he’d left the marshal service was because he’d been hurt.
Moving Steve’s hand away, Matt lay his fingers over the scar, feeling the bumpy ridge of it, thinking on where it was, so close to his heart. “Who did this?”
“A bad guy. He’s dead. My partner killed him.”
“Good,” Matt said without remorse. Anyone who hurt Steve should die, he thought. “You almost died. Like me.”
Matt’s eyes opened, and he didn’t blink once as he said, “Yeah. Real close. Like you.” After swallowing hard, he continued, “I knew how close you’d come when I first saw you. I knew everything you were feeling. How hard it was to so much as look in the mirror. I remember the first time I did, saw myself pale and the dark circles under my eyes…that’s when I truly knew how close I’d come. To see it on your own face, man, that cuts it. Upside was…the upside was that it gave me a new sense of how precious my life was. I didn’t want to go traveling like a lot of people. I did that while I was a marshal. I wanted this. A quiet place, somewhere to call home. The biggest problem was, it got lonely.”
“And if I want to keep helping people, is that going to get in the way of your quiet thing?”
Steve smiled and shook his head, chuckling a little. “No. With the loneliness came the boredom. I missed helping too. I was scared to, though. I could have done something similar to Stacy, worked in the private sector, but I was scared. That fear didn’t stop.”
Seeing how similar they were, how they’d both nearly died while they were helping others, and how they still wanted to help, it eased his fear. “Steve…I do love you.”
“Then let me love you. Let me prove to you that we can do this. We can help each other while we heal ourselves.”
There was nothing he wanted more than that, in that moment, than to feel Steve’s arms around him, knowing they shared something so special. The fear that nagged him didn’t let up completely, but it eased.
“I’m going to be scared, Steve. A lot. Mostly about this. Losing my family hurts, losing friends, my old life, the one I had before I knew what it was all about, that all hurts, but you can hurt me more than any of that. Maybe that’s not the tough talk you may want from a guy, but it’s the truth. I may pull away a lot, getting scared that you’re gonna hurt me.”
“I get that. Matt, I get that. I’m so scared of you, but in that fear is a need too. I need to conquer that fear.”
Matt was warm from his words, and he didn’t think one of them had a bit of deception. He was as dedicated to Matt as Matt was to him. That was possibly the first thing through all the past months that he’d been sure about. “Then I will conquer mine too.”
Matt sat on the bed next to him, cupping his cheek and moving in to kiss him tenderly, lingering there, kissing the top then bottom lip, each corner of Matt’s mouth.
“I want you so bad, but I understand your beliefs. I can wait as long as you need. If…if you need to be married, I can wait until you’re ready for that too. Not that it’ll be easy.”
Matt’s eyes narrowed involuntarily, as he was unable to believe that. “You’d wait? For however long? Like, a year, five years, however long?”
“Oh please, don’t tell me five years!”
They both laughed, but then Steve nodded and kissed him again. “Yeah, Matt, I’d wait that long. I know we could never be married in a church with your belief system or mine. Not the Roman Catholic church anyway, but we can find one that will suit us both, when and if that time comes.”
He hadn’t known how much that would mean to him. Waiting, giving himself completely to his husband first and only. That was what he’d been raised to want, and unlike so much of the rest of his raising, it was one thing he’d held onto. The playing around with the guy was a rebellion as he tried to shake off the compound and all its teachings. When love came into it, though, he had thought of little else than what it would be like to have a beautiful wedding night with Steve and explore each other.
“It’s not easy to wait. Especially with how sexual you are.”
“Me? I’m sexual?”
Matt nodded on his cheek as he went close and whispered, “Yeah. You are made up of nothing but love and sex.”
A little moan came as Steve embraced him, wrapping him in that warmth of love and sex. “You flatter me.”
He moved Steve onto the bed, kissing his neck and sucking a tiny spot there. “I never said I needed to be completely chaste, though. When we make love for the first time,” he said, then kissed Steve’s lips as he thought of it, how it would feel to be inside him. “Mmm, I’ll penetrate you, connecting us as husbands. But before that, I think I want to see you. It’s only fair.” He moved up to grin at him seductively. “You’ve already seen me.”
“Oh, yeah, I have. That’s one reason I know it’s well worth the wait.”
“Well, then, maybe it’s time I see if you are.”
Chapter Eighteen
Steve scooted higher on the bed, alive with curiosity as to why he’d been told to.
“Just do it,” Matt huffed, then laughed as he stood at the bottom of the bed, arms crossed expectantly over his chest. “I thought you were just supposed to do stuff and not be a pain in the behind about it.”
He was bare chested, and though the room was warm, he had chills breaking out all over his body. That spread when Matt leaned over the bed and opened the fly of Steve’s pants. It would be the first time Matt had seen him naked, and despite himself, despite the heat between them being so large in the room, he went over his body in his mind, worrying over faults he’d found in his own physique.
Those left pretty fast as Matt roughly grabbed the waistband of the pants and yanked hard, forcing Steve to quickly raise his hips from the bed so the jeans wouldn’t burn his skin.
His shoes were tossed over Matt’s shoulder, as were his socks before his pants and underwear were taken from him unceremoniously. He was breathless the way Matt was doing it, commanding, without a fl
inch of doubt or hesitation.
This was his man, the one he’d wanted all his adult life. A soft and yet hard man who knew his own mind, took as he pleased but loved harder than he did anything else. Matt was his man.
Standing slowly, Matt’s eyes were on his body, perusing as he crossed his arms over his chest. The urge to cover himself was overwhelming, but he didn’t dare attempt it. His face blank as his eyes moved from his feet to chest, Matt didn’t give a thought away as to what was going on in his mind.
It was like that for a very long time. Matt was scrutinizing, leering at him without letting on what he thought, Steve struggled with his insecurity, hoping he was passing the inspection, but doubting it. He knew the moment he’d seen Matt’s nude form, he couldn’t contain the moans and the way his mouth filled with saliva, drooling over the beauty of him.
Then Matt spoke, and Steve was left in a confused state, somewhere between panic and elation. “I need a closer look.”
Leaning back over him, Matt’s eyes never met Steve’s. He was looking closely at his chest, running a finger over the hair there, brushing a palm over his nipple.
Moving down, he equally played his hand over Steve’s stomach, making it clench, then a tender cupping of his balls before he stood straight again and said. “I think I need to taste it.”
“T-taste what?”
Without a hint of a smile or blink of his eye, he said in a deep, gruff voice that reverberated through every cell of Steve’s naked body. “Every part of you that belongs to me.”
His eyes slammed shut as he let out a guttural groan. That made him miss Matt dropping to his knees, but he saw that the moment he felt an open-mouthed kiss to the arch of his left foot.
Raising his head, he saw Matt’s face, peaceful but determined. Another kiss exactly the same came to the arch of Steve’s right foot, and Matt’s eyes opened, locking onto his as he moved up to Steve’s ankle, licking a swath on the ankle bone then punctuating that with a kiss.
Understanding what he’d meant then, Steve let his head drop as the spinning started. He was dizzy with it, the meaning, the implication, Matt claiming him in the most intimate way he could without penetrating him.
Afraid to move, to interrupt the ritual, Steve lay as still as he could while Matt made his way up his body with flat-tongued licks and kisses made with lips parted. The sides of both knees were tasted, and a long lick up each inner thigh brought out an animalistic whimper from his chest and throat.
Matt’s strong hands grabbed Steve’s hips as tender pecks of his lips were given to each of Steve’s balls. Matt’s face nuzzled them, breathing in the scent of them as the pecks because full, wet kisses.
He was hard, so hard, and his body quaked with desire. There was no doubt that Matt was set to claim all of him, but he was especially interested in claiming his genitals. That was where he spent the most time, sucking his cock like he’d done it all his life instead of a few fumbling times with one other lost boy.
The way he took it all, swallowing around the head, sucking, licking, popping each ball into his mouth, teasing, intense in his work. Then he started up the rest of Steve’s body and it was no less delicious feeling. Each inch of him was given attention, letting him have no room to doubt that he belonged to Matt, lock, stock, and barrel.
When Matt finished sucking little hickeys all over his neck, he finally lay on his side, lifting Steve’s arm to kiss his pit, nipping playfully at the tender flesh of his inner arm. “Ouch,” he laughed.
“Just emphasizing my point.”
“You point is well made. I’m all yours.”
His eyes darkened and he moved back over Steve, grabbing his wrists and slamming them over his head, staring dead into his eyes without humor or play. “You’re mine. Say it.”
“I-I’m yours.”
“No stammering. Say it.”
He cleared his throat and swallowed the lump forming there that was all emotion and joy. “I’m. Yours. Completely.”
Then, he was granted a beautiful smile that lit Matt’s eyes through that dark passion that had just clouded them. “You’re mine. Thank God…or whoever. Not sure yet about God getting two guys together, but I don’t exactly give a crap.”
“Me either. I don’t care about much else right at this moment, Matt.”
Sliding to the side once more, Matt turned his face to start kissing him deeply, sloppily even as his hand moved from Steve’s face, down his chest in a light skim, over his jumping abs until he took Steve’s cock into his hand.
Steve groaned in the kiss, but that just made Matt kiss him harder, silencing him as he started to stroke Steve’s cock. With a firm grip and steady pace, he gave Steve the best hand job of his life, and it was done with love and a heavy dose of domination.
His hips pumped his dick into Matt’s hand, leaving his own above his head to keep showing Matt he was eager to submit to his every wish. He was putty, being molded by this younger, but stronger man.
When he came, he nearly blacked out from the intensity. He was shivering badly as Matt wrapped him into those warm arms, holding him until he could regain his composure somewhat.
That was love, the way he was held while his body made those tiny quivers of convulsions. Matt was patient, not pushing, not hurrying him, solid in his presence. One peck to Steve’s temple or a brush of his lips over Steve’s hair was all the movement that was made in those long minutes.
“I think I’m okay,” he finally said, though his voice was shaky and barely audible.
“I love you, Steve. I may say it a lot, and it’s not because I’m trying to convince myself or you. It’s just that I’ve always wanted to be in love like this. It’s a…a…”
“Celebration,” Steve finished for him.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s perfect. I’m celebrating.”
Steve finally had the muscle power to turn to his side to face Matt. When he did, he saw that bright smile again, the crinkle around the yellowed bruises on the corners of Matt’s eyes. “Do you, someday, really want to get married?”
“Yeah. I do. Do you? I know you think that’s the only way I’ll make love, but I don’t want that to be the only reason for you to want to get married.”
He laughed at that. “It’s not. I want to spend my life with you. I’m older, I’m probably not the best guy for you, but I’m selfish enough to want you anyway.”
“Well, I’m screwed up because of being raised in a cult and will need decades of heavy therapy, but I am selfish enough to want you anyway.”
They both laughed, though most of the words were true. Steve wasn’t afraid of being with Matt through whatever he had to go through to work out his past. He knew that his choice to be alone after his life-threatening ordeal had been his own, and it wasn’t the best decision of his life. If he could learn from that and be there for Matt, it was all the better.
“I’m hungry. Will you make something to eat, or will I have to starve after making you shoot all over your stomach.”
That reminded him, and he looked over the glaze on his stomach, drying there. “Ew. I’m a little bit of a mess.”
“Yeah, but a very good-looking mess.”
That was the first he’d commented on Steve’s looks, and it may have been his self-deprecating side that needed to hear it, it was wonderful when he did. “You…you think I’m good-looking?”
“You’re joking, right? You’re beautiful. You’re perfect.”
“Perfect,” he whispered. “I’m not,” he said as his hand covered the scar before he realized he was going to.
Matt roughly pushed his hand off the scar and leaned over to kiss it. “That’s mine too.”
He started shaking again and watched Matt’s brows draw close together as he kissed it again, then looked him in the eye and ordered, “Don’t do that.”
“W-what?”
“I know that was a bad time for you. You don’t have to face it alone. In fact, give it to me, Steve. Give me all that fear and shame.”
Matt’s face softened, the creases smoothing around his eyes. “I know it feels shameful. No matter that you’re progressive in your thinking on the world, and that masculinity isn’t always a good thing, we are men, and it’s been placed there for a super long time. When we fail, or when we get hurt, we are shamed right down to our bones. We’re supposed to be strong, always, and not give up. When we do, we are ashamed, and more than fear or pain, that shame can lock us up in a cage like no one can make for us out of steel or concrete. Give it to me, right now. I’m feeling my own, so it’s not like you’re heaping something on me that I can’t handle.”
Like he’d known it all his life, the gift a dominant gave to his submissive, taking that which the made the sub think of anything else beside his dominant. That included the stresses of life in all forms, and it seemed shame went along with it. It came to him so naturally.
“My heavens, Matt. You’re so good at this.”
“Good at what?”
“Never mind,” he said, smiling. Suddenly, he didn’t think he could do much else except smile. That was the feeling he had, a smile, like that was an emotion instead of an expression of one.
Matt got off the bed with a tired groan. “We better get back to the others. Mac should be calling me, and we’ve got other stuff to do.”
He agreed, though his boneless body didn’t want to move. “I need a shower first.”
“Get in there, then, before I make you messy again.”
Steve grabbed his hand as he slid to the edge of the bed after sitting up and asked, “What makes that okay…what we did?”
Matt chuckled and sat with him, squeezing his hand. “It probably doesn’t, but when I first met some of the lost boys, heard their stories, one guy was real judgy, you know, about some of the others sleeping with their girlfriends. Another guy told him something that made me laugh at the time.”
“What’s that?”
“He denied they were having regular sex, they were just going down on each other. The judgy guy nodded and said okay then. I didn’t understand, so I asked him why he wasn’t still preaching at them, and he told me oral is moral. It leaves your virginity intact.”
The Principle (Legacy Book 2) Page 18