The World of Simon Rich

by Simon Rich

  I talk to Laura on the phone every night now, which is pretty great, because Jared never has time to talk to me anymore. He’s not even going to the dance! Tiffany’s flying to the U.S. for one night only and she hates dancing so they’re just going to stay home and try out new sex positions. It’s amazing. I mean, don’t get me wrong. My date Laura is pretty cool, and other than her leg brace she’s very attractive, but she’s certainly no Canadian model. It’s hard to believe that when I’m on the dance floor this Friday, trying to work up the guts to kiss Laura for the first time, Jared’s going to be at home in his bedroom making love to the girl of his dreams. Some guys have all the luck.

  Animals

  Free-range chickens

  – Well, it’s another beautiful day in paradise.

  – How’d we get so lucky?

  – I don’t know and I don’t care.

  – I think I’ll go walk over there for a while. Then I’ll walk back here.

  – That sounds like a good time. Maybe I’ll do the same.

  – Hey, someone refilled the grain bucket!

  – Is it the same stuff as yesterday?

  – I hope so.

  – Oh, man … it’s the same stuff all right.

  – It’s so good.

  – I can’t stop eating it.

  – Hey, you know what would go perfectly with this grain? Water.

  – Dude. Look inside the other bucket.

  – This … is the greatest day of my life.

  – Drink up, pal.

  – Cheers!

  (Laughs.)

  (Laughs.)

  – Hey, look, the farmer’s coming.

  – Huh. Guess its my turn to go into the thing.

  – Cool. See you later, buddy.

  – See ya.

  Dalmatians

  – Hey, look, the truck’s stopping.

  – Did they take us to the park this time?

  – No … it’s a fire. Another horrible fire.

  – What the hell is wrong with these people?

  Herbert Hoover

  HERBERT HOOVER: If I’m elected president, I promise that there will be a car in every garage and a chicken in every pot.

  FIRST CHICKEN: Jesus Christ, did you guys hear that?

  SECOND CHICKEN: Hear what?

  FIRST CHICKEN: Some guy running for president just said on the radio that he was going to kill one chicken per U.S. family!

  SECOND CHICKEN: Seriously? He singled us out?

  FIRST CHICKEN: Yes. It was like some kind of crazy vow.

  SECOND CHICKEN: What are we going to do?

  Prehistoric life

  Prehistoric camping

  – Hey, man, do you want to go camping this weekend?

  – What do you mean?

  – I was thinking we could climb a mountain and, you know, hang out for a couple of days.

  – Why?

  – I don’t know … I just sort of feel like getting away for a while.

  – Getting away from what? Are there any predators coming?

  – No.

  – Did you see any predators?

  Prehistoric small talk

  – Hey, Ted. Seen any predators?

  – Nope. You?

  – Nah. Not lately.

  – What are you up to this weekend?

  – I don’t know. I’ll probably stand on a rock, look out for predators.

  – Yeah. Same here.

  Prehistoric marriage

  – Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

  – I do.

  – Have you seen any predators?

  – No.

  – Has anyone seen any predators?

  (pause)

  – Okay … we’re safe for a little while.

  The dog X-files

  Here are some scenes for a TV show I came up with that’s exactly like The X-Files except all of the characters are dogs.

  REX: Thank God you’re here. I didn’t know who else to turn to. No one believes my story.

  DOG SCULLY: Tell us what happened.

  REX: I used to go into the living room every day. I’d run around, scratch up the couches – you know, have a good time. Then yesterday, I went inside and all of a sudden a horrible electric shock shot through my entire body.

  DOG MULDER: Unbelievable.

  DOG SCULLY: Did you try going in again today?

  REX: Yes. The same thing happened. I don’t even want to go into that room anymore.

  DOG MULDER: Wow. I have no explanation.

  DOG MULDER: I’m Agent Mulder from the Dog FBI. Tell us what happened.

  SKIP: Last week, my face was really itchy. I kept trying to scratch my nose, but … I couldn’t reach it.

  DOG MULDER: What do you mean?

  SKIP: There was some kind of cone-shaped force field surrounding my head.

  DOG SCULLY: Incredible!

  SKIP: The crazy thing is, three days later, I fell asleep … and when I woke up, the force field was gone.

  DOG SCULLY: I don’t understand. This defies all logic!

  DOG MULDER: Not everything can be explained with logic, Dog Scully.

  BOOMER: This is really hard for me. You’re the first people I’ve told.

  DOG SCULLY: Tell us what happened. Maybe we can help.

  BOOMER: Okay, here goes. Yesterday I fell asleep, and when I woke up, my testicles were missing.

  DOG SCULLY: Jesus. This is the fifth case this month.

  DOG MULDER: There’s something happening out there. Something beyond our understanding.

  ROCKET: I used to have fleas all over my body. Thousands and thousands of them. Then, yesterday, I felt a tightness around my neck … and within hours the fleas were gone.

  DOG MULDER: (Spits out coffee.)

  DOG SCULLY: For years, I’ve tried to be a scientist, to live by the rules of logic and reason. But now I don’t know what to believe.

  DOG MULDER: Please use your magic to kill my fleas.

  Animal cruelty

  In order to learn more about animal cruelty, I built a translating machine and interviewed several farm animals about their current situation.

  Cow

  – You’ve been incarcerated in this slaughterhouse your entire life. How has it affected you emotionally?

  – I am cow. I eat grass. Grass on ground. Me move mouth down to grass. Chew up grass.

  – Do you think animal slavery will end in your lifetime?

  – Eat grass, rest. Eat grass, rest. Sleep.

  – Do you feel that animals deserve the same rights as human beings?

  – Grass on ground. Eat it all up.

  Chicken

  – You’ve lived inside this 26- × 22-inch cage your entire life. How does it feel to know that you will never meet your family?

  – Food in bag. Eat it up.

  – Are “free range” chickens truly free? Or do they suffer the same indignities as standard, factory-produced chickens?

  – Me eat food in bag. Rest. Sleep.

  Pig

  – Human beings have mistreated your species for centuries, caging you in tiny prisons and pumping you full of dangerous hormones, just to make money. If you could say one thing to your human oppressors, what would it be?

  – Give me more of the things that go inside my mouth. I like the things that I put inside my mouth. Chew it all up good. Rest, sleep.

  – I understand that your owner castrated you at birth and then branded you with a fiery hot iron. Does it ever get so bad that you wish for death?

  – Give me more of the things that go inside my mouth.

  Lost puppy!

  Our beloved family pet is missing! We lost him on this block and he probably hasn’t gone far. If you find a dog that matches the following description, please give me a call!

  Thanks!

  – Suzie

  Large claws

  Extra set of teeth

  Red eyes

  Quick to anger

  Often unreason
able; lacks the self-control of other dogs

  Likes to stand on his hind legs and rise to his full height so he can look people in the eye

  Often stays in shadowy areas; very hard to spot sometimes, except for his eyes, which always have a faint red glow

  Fast

  When he stands on his hind legs and looks people in the eye, he expects them to maintain eye contact; if they look away even for a second, he has a kind of breakdown

  If he’s having a rampage and someone escapes, he likes to come find them, usually on the one-year anniversary of the rampage

  Answers to the name “Ctharga,” but if his name is said three times, something weird happens to his eyes and he somehow becomes even faster than he is normally

  Silent

  Ant farm

  – All right men, listen up. As you know, we’ve built seven tunnels and we still haven’t found a way through the glass. I can tell you’re discouraged and I don’t blame you. Tunnel 7 was our most ambitious project to date and you all risked your lives to make it happen. But rest assured, we’ll be out of this hellish wasteland soon enough. I have a plan.

  – What is it? What’s the plan?

  – An eighth tunnel. Through the sand.

  – I don’t know, sir … we’ve been digging tunnels ever since we got here. We always end up hitting glass. We lost ten men on the last tunnel: Brian, Jack, Lawrence—

  – I know their names.

  – Why don’t we just give up? I mean seriously, what’s the point?

  – The point? The point is we have no food or water. The point is we’re trapped in this crazy desert, and if we don’t find an exit soon we’re going to suffocate.

  – What kind of God would put us here, just to torture us? Sand to the left … sand to the right …

  – It’s a test, William. He’s testing us.

  – You’re right. We can do this. We just have to work ten times harder than we’ve ever worked before! (Starts digging.)

  – You want to know something? I’ve got a good feeling about this one. A really good feeling.

  Going to work

  Great astronaut quotes throughout history

  “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

  – Neil Armstrong, 1969

  “Orbiting Earth, I see how beautiful our planet is. Let us preserve and increase this beauty, not destroy it.”

  – Yuri Gagarin, 1961

  “What’s happening? Where am I?”

  – Ham the Chimp, 1960

  Employees must wash hands

  Employees must wash hands before returning to work, including Ivan.

  Ivan must wash his entire hands: palms, thumbs and in particular his fingers.

  Ivan must not do that thing he often does where he runs the water for a few seconds, to make it sound like he’s washing his hands, but doesn’t actually wash his hands. He must really wash his hands – both of them – using soap.

  When Ivan is hand-mixing the sauces, he mustn’t do that thing he thinks is so funny where he winks at the other chefs to imply that he hasn’t actually washed his hands. He should just wash his hands and then go mix the sauces. That’s his job. He should just do his job. It’s not that hard to wash your hands.

  Employees must take their medication before returning to work to suppress the contagious flare-ups on their hands. This rule is directed primarily at Ivan.

  Notices for tonight’s magic show

  Please note that in Hector the Amazing’s final trick – “The Sawing of Susan” – the role of “Susan” will be played by Alice Jenkins. Alice is replacing Patricia Merkle, who is replacing Joan Greenblatt, who is replacing Jenny Holden who is replacing Susan Bender who is replacing Jenna Hertle who is replacing Tanya Lintle who originated the role seven performances ago.

  We are also looking for contributions to the legal fund of Hector the Amazing. Hector, as you may have read, has been accused (unjustly!) of over half-a-dozen heinous crimes against women. We are confident that he will beat these charges which are completely baseless. There is no hard evidence that Hector was even present at the scene of these atrocities – no photographs, no video, no audio recordings.

  We ask that you refrain from taking photographs, video or audio recordings during tonight’s magic show.

  Please note that if you are attending tonight’s second performance, the role of Susan will not be played by Alice Jenkins, but by another woman, as yet to be determined. If you are attending tonight’s third performance, Susan will be played by still another woman.

  Portions of tonight’s show may be inappropriate for children under the age of 18.

  Enjoy the show.

  Physician’s Lounge

  – You wanted to see me, sir?

  – Yes, Dr. Metzger. I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. I’ve been receiving complaints from your patients. And I’ve decided I can’t allow you to make April Fools jokes this year.

  – Oh my God.

  – I know you’re disappointed, but my mind is made up.

  – What about the one where I tell the patient I’m out of anesthetic?

  – No.

  – What about the one where I put on a janitor’s outfit, grab a scalpel and walk into the operating room just as my patient loses consciousness? So he thinks he’s going to be operated on by a janitor?

  – No.

  – What about the one where the patient wakes up after his operation and I start shouting, “Where’s my stethoscope? Where did I leave my stethoscope?” And then I stare at the patient’s torso, with a look of horror, like I maybe left it inside of his body?

  – No.

  – You can’t do this to me! April Fools Day is the highlight of my year. It’s the only reason I finished medical school – to experience the holiday as a doctor.

  – I’m sorry, Sam, but my hands are tied.

  – What about the one where the patient wakes up and I’m wearing a robot costume, so he thinks he’s been in a coma for eighty years. And I’m, like, “Welcome to the future, Mr. Greenbaum, the world you remember is gone.” You know, in a robot voice. So he thinks I’m a robot.

  – I get it. The answer is still no.

  – How could you be so cruel? I mean, for God’s sake, what happened to the Hippocratic Oath?

  – “First do no harm?”

  – That’s what that meant?

  – Yes.

  – You sure?

  – Yes.

  – It wasn’t something about April Fools?

  – No.

  – What about the one where I tell the patient his kidney operation was a grand success, but then, while I’m talking to him, I have an intern come in and say, “Dr. Metzger, you’ve got some dirt on your left shoulder.” And I start to brush my right shoulder. And the intern’s like, “no, your left shoulder.” And I’m like, “this is my left shoulder.” And he’s like, “No, it’s your right shoulder. What’s the matter with you, Dr. Metzger? Don’t you know your left from your right?” And then we both look at the patient’s torso, with a look of horror, to imply, like …

  – I know where you’re going with this.

  – … to imply, like, maybe I operated on the wrong kidney? Like, maybe I did the left one, instead of the right one. Because I don’t know the difference between right and left.

  – No.

  – At least let me workshop it!

  – I’m sorry, Sam, but my decision is final.

  – …

  – April … Fools.

  – NO WAY!

  – I can’t believe you bought that.

  – Man, you got me good. Guess that’s why you’re the head of surgery.

  – Pass me my robot mask. It’s time to make the rounds.

  Swim at your own risk

  – There is no life guard on duty after 9pm

  – The life guard on duty before 9pm is a 16-year-old boy

  – The 16-year-old boy is an open marijuana user. He has vowed to spend t
he summer “always high.” He smokes pot the moment he wakes up, which means that by the time he sits down in his lifeguard chair, at 9am, he is already high.

  – The life guard is on break from noon to 1pm. It is during this time that he goes from “high” to “stoned.”

  – The life guard’s high peaks at around 4pm. By this point in the day, the boy is so narcotized, he actually loses contact with reality. His brain stops fighting the drugs and instead “gives in” to their effects. Rational thought ceases and his world becomes a dream-like wash of shapes and colors.

  – From 5–9pm there is a second life guard on duty. She is a 15-year-old girl. She uses less marijuana than the boy, but still enough to be classified, by any rubric, as a full-fledged drug addict. The boy and the girl are beginning to fall in love. They spend the afternoons having earnest conversations about life’s great mysteries. One common discussion topic is how the world “might be a dream,” in which case “nothing matters.” They never look out at the water, only into each other’s eyes, two carefree children, high beyond reason, living only for today.

  – The water contains sharks.

  Choose your own adventure

  In Choose Your Own Adventure 17 you were a prince of England, jousting your way to the throne! In Choose Your Own Adventure 46 you were a boy rock star, jamming your way up the charts! Now, in Choose Your Own Adventure 92, you’re a grown-up, working as a Corporate Software Designer in Poughkeepsie.

  Page one

  You wake up at 7:45. The alarm clock never went off, but it doesn’t matter. You’ve gotten so used to waking up every single day at the same time that it just happens automatically now. You feel so horrible you can barely even believe it. Suddenly you remember that it’s Wednesday. That means there’s going to be one of those Projects Meetings and you’re going to have to sit through the entire three-hour nightmare as soon as you get to work. Maybe you should just call in sick? You have three sick days and you’ve only used one so far. Then again, if you use your second sick day now, you’ll only have one left.