The World of Simon Rich

by Simon Rich

  JESUS: Honour thy father and thy mother.

  THOMAS: Wait, hold on. Can we talk about that other thing for a second?

  JESUS: What other thing? Turning the other cheek?

  THOMAS: No, the thing you said after. About eating your body … and … your blood.

  JESUS: What’s there to talk about?

  The ride back to Beersheba

  Then Abraham tied Isaac up and laid him on the altar over the wood. And Abraham took the knife and lifted it up to kill his son as a sacrifice to the LORD. At that moment the angel of the LORD shouted to him from heaven, “Abraham! Lay down the knife.” Then they returned to Beersheba.

  – GENESIS 22

  How about some ice cream, Isaac? No? Are you sure? I’ll tell you what, I’ll get us some ice cream. Want some ice cream? I’ll get us some ice cream.

  Wow, there is nothing like camping! Cooking your own lamb, building your own pyre … and no women! Just a couple of guys in the woods, lighting fires, doing stuff, and keeping it between themselves! Speaking of which, did you ever notice how your mother sometimes gets ideas? I mean, she raised you and I love her, but she’s a very nervous person. All I’m saying is sometimes it’s all right not to tell her about certain things. Like guy things.

  Wow, I just noticed that you have huge muscles! You’re really getting strong! When did you get so big and strong? Soon you’ll be a real strong guy!

  Let me explain something to you. Sometimes, grown-ups have to do grown-up stuff that children don’t understand. I think there’s an ice cream place coming up. Like, what happened on top of the mountain? Do you remember? Of course you … of course. Anyway, that was a thing for grown-ups.

  How about some Rocky Road? Chocolate? I’d get you some strawberry, but hey, your name’s Isaac, not Isaac-Marie – am I right? Ha! Seriously, though, if you want strawberry I’ll get it for you. I’ll get you whatever you want.

  So, anyway, let’s rehearse. I’ll be your mother. “Isaac, how was your trip to the mountain?” Okay, then you would say something like “Pretty normal.” That’s not too hard, right?

  We’re almost home. Listen, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but your mother is very sick. She’s sick, Isaac. And the slightest shock might kill her. Hey, there she is, waving at us! Hi, Sarah, we’re back! Put a couple lambs on the spit – you’ve got a couple hungry lumberjacks on your hands! Ha, ha! She’s very ill, Isaac. Very ill. Wow! … Camping.

  Repent

  According to evangelical Christians, anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Saviour will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Even murderers can enter Heaven, as long as they have faith. As you can imagine, it gets pretty awkward up there when murderers run into people that they’ve killed.

  MURDERER: Hey, you look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

  VICTIM: (Terrified screaming.)

  MURDERER: Oh, yeah. Now I remember.

  VICTIM: How did you get up here?

  MURDERER: I’m not really sure. Someone sent me a Bible while I was on death row. I guess at some point I must have internalized parts of it?

  VICTIM: So … they gave you the death penalty?

  MURDERER: Yeah. Not for killing you, though. For killing some other people. Children.

  VICTIM: Oh.

  MURDERER: Nobody knows you’re dead yet. I hid you in a weird place.

  VICTIM: …

  MURDERER: Listen, I’m really sorry about what happened. If it makes you feel any better, I told a priest about it afterward. He made me say, like, fifty prayers.

  VICTIM: How many people did you murder?

  MURDERER: Four hundred. But I’ve only run into three or four of them so far. I guess not everyone makes it into Heaven, huh?

  Karma

  When I told my friends I was converting to Hinduism, they said I was rushing into things. They’re just jealous because I’m racking up karma points left and right. Check out today’s tally:

  9:00 A.M. Brushed teeth.

  +2

  9:25 A.M. Helped an old woman cross the street.

  +50

  9:30 A.M. Rubbed old woman’s belly in order to absorb some of her karma.

  +20

  10:00 A.M. Bet my buddy Greg 50 karmas that I could beat him in a vodka-chugging race.

  +50

  10:04 A.M. Made awesome “Karma and Greg” joke.

  +200

  1:00 P.M. Went to homeless shelter.

  +100

  1:01 P.M. Pretended to be homeless in order to receive free soup.

  –10

  1:05 P.M. Traded the soup to a real homeless man in exchange for all his karmas.

  +3,500

  5:00 P.M. Constructed Hindu idol out of styrofoam.

  +75

  5:45 P.M. Carried the styrofoam idol to a Hindu temple and threatened to destroy it if the priests didn’t give me all of their karmas.

  +35,000

  8 P.M. Stole.

  –15

  11:00 P.M. Vegetarian snack.

  Next Life

  Everything happens for a reason

  ANGEL: God? Can I ask you a question?

  GOD: Sure, I’m not busy.

  ANGEL: Does everything really happen for a reason?

  GOD: Of course.

  ANGEL: Well, in that case, would it be okay if I asked you to explain … the logic … behind some of your decisions?

  GOD: Fire away.

  ANGEL: Okay. Why did Seth Brody of Hartford, Connecticut, have a seizure while ordering a hamburger at Denny’s?

  GOD: I wanted to see the look on the waitress’s face.

  ANGEL: That’s it? That’s the only reason?

  GOD: That’s the only reason I do anything. To see the look on people’s faces.

  ANGEL: Really? What about World War I?

  GOD: I wanted to see the look on Woodrow Wilson’s face.

  ANGEL: So you never take anything else into account?

  GOD: Hey, look, there’s a guy riding through the desert. I’m going to strike his horse with lightning.

  ANGEL: But he’s fifty miles away from the nearest house! If you kill his horse, he’ll be stranded!

  GOD: (Strikes horse with lightning.) Oh, man, did you see the look on that guy’s face? He was all like, “Hey, what happened to my horse?”

  (Laughs.) I’m sorry … what were we talking about?

  ANGEL: (Sighs.) Nothing.

  Intelligent design

  GOD: Check out this human I designed.

  ANGEL: Wow, that looks incredible. How does it work?

  GOD: It’s pretty complicated. Point to something and I’ll tell you what it does.

  ANGEL: Okay. What are these?

  GOD: Teeth. They’re for chewing up food.

  ANGEL: How come there are so many of them?

  GOD: I threw in, like, three or four extra. If they don’t like them, they can pull them out somehow, I guess.

  ANGEL: What about this weird bag thing?

  GOD: That’s the appendix.

  ANGEL: What does it do?

  GOD: It explodes.

  ANGEL: Really? That’s all?

  GOD: Pretty much.

  ANGEL: What causes that to happen?

  GOD: It just happens randomly. Like you’ll just be walking down the street or driving a car and boom.

  ANGEL: Geez … that’s terrifying. Does it kill the person?

  GOD: (Shrugs.) Sometimes.

  Why do bad things happen to good people?

  GOD: Who’s that guy swimming in the lake?

  ANGEL: Joshua Alpert.

  GOD: Really? In that case … (Strikes lake with lightning.)

  ANGEL: Whoa … God … why did you do that?

  GOD: Oh, he was a horrible human being. He shot his own parents when he was twelve years old. In fact, he was the youngest murderer in the history of Nebraska.

  ANGEL: But … that guy was from Vermont.

  GOD: …

  ANGEL: …

  GOD: Don’t
tell me there are two Joshua Alperts.

  A miracle

  After nine nerve-racking months, an Iowa woman gave birth to septuplets yesterday. All seven babies survived and are currently being treated in the hospital’s intensive care unit. “It’s a miracle,” Dr. Albert Ea said. “An honest-to-God miracle.”

  —evening edition

  ANGEL: God? Can you help me stop this forest fire? It’ll just take a few minutes.

  GOD: Hold on … I’m busy giving this woman extra babies. I’ve already got her up to four.

  ANGEL: Whoa … sir … no offense, but that looks pretty unhealthy.

  GOD: What do you mean? She asked for babies and I’m giving them to her. It’s a miracle.

  ANGEL: I know, and it’s very noble of you to answer her prayers. I just … I don’t understand why she needs so many babies all at once. I mean … wouldn’t it make more sense to space them out?

  GOD: Hey, look, I got it up to five.

  ANGEL: Aren’t you at all nervous about medical complications? I mean … these babies will almost certainly be delivered prematurely. And if that happens, the risk of birth defects will—

  GOD: Six! Check it out – six babies!

  ANGEL: Sir … this is really impressive … but I really think you should focus on the forest fire right now.

  GOD: One more baby.

  ANGEL: Don’t you think six is enough?

  GOD: Seven’s the record. I want to try to at least tie it.

  ANGEL: No offense, sir … but I’m not sure if this is the best use of your time.

  GOD: Trust me: people are going to love this.

  Saint Agnes the martyr

  SAINT AGNES: Oh Father, what a delight it is to finally be in your presence!

  GOD: Do I … know you?

  SAINT AGNES: Well, we’ve never met, but … you might’ve seen me recently.

  GOD: Where?

  SAINT AGNES: In Rome?

  GOD: I’m not … I’m sorry.

  SAINT AGNES: The Colosseum?

  GOD: Wait a minute, I was just watching the Colosseum! Are you one of the Colosseum dancers?

  SAINT AGNES: No.

  GOD: Were you before or after the lion thing?

  SAINT AGNES: During. I was fed to them, for your greater glory.

  GOD: You mean … that was a religious thing?

  SAINT AGNES: Yes.

  GOD: Are all the lion things religious?

  SAINT AGNES: Yes.

  GOD: Wow. Well, listen … great job out there.

  God has a plan for all of us

  GOD: Did you start that war over in South America?

  ANGEL: Yes, sir, just as you specified.

  GOD: And you gave Fred Hodges that migraine? In Fayette, Maine?

  ANGEL: Yes, of course. I followed all your orders to the letter.

  GOD: Okay, great. So the next part of my grand sweeping plan is … the next part is … um …

  ANGEL: Yes?

  GOD: Wait, hold on … I know I was going somewhere with this …

  ANGEL: …

  GOD: It’s the damnedest thing. I had this giant, all-encompassing plan, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.

  ANGEL: Did you … write it down somewhere?

  GOD: Nah. It was all up here. (Points at head.)

  ANGEL: Well … maybe if I say some of the things you’ve done so far, you’ll remember?

  GOD: That’s a good idea. Let’s try that.

  ANGEL: Okay … um … the assassination of Julius Caesar … the great San Francisco fire … World War I … World War II … is anything coming back?

  GOD: I know all those things are connected somehow … they were all part of this awesome plan I had … I just can’t remember what the payoff was.

  ANGEL: …

  GOD: Guess I bit off more than I could chew.

  Orel Hershiser

  I’d like to thank God for this victory. I couldn’t have done it without him.

  —OREL HERSHISER, L.A. Dodgers

  ANGEL: God? Can I talk to you for a second?

  GOD: I’m watching the game.

  ANGEL: I know – I’m sorry for interrupting. I just wanted to tell you: There’s been a flood in Asia. Four hundred thousand people have lost their homes.

  GOD: Listen, I don’t think you understand. Orel Hershiser is on the mound. If he wins this game, he’ll improve his record to 13–3. That’s ten games over .500.

  ANGEL: I know, I’m sorry, it’s just … If we don’t act in the next thirty minutes, thousands of people might drown.

  GOD: Slide, Martinez! Slide, dammit! I’m sorry … I wasn’t listening. What were you saying?

  ANGEL: If you don’t stop the rains soon, thousands will die. They’ve been praying all night. I really think you should answer them.

  GOD: It looks like I’m going to have to intervene.

  ANGEL: Really? Oh, that’s great news!

  ANNOUNCER: Orel Hershiser winds up … Strike three! Wow – that fastball came out of nowhere!

  GOD: Boo-yah! That’s what I’m talking about!

  ANGEL: When you said you were going to intervene … were you talking about the baseball game or the flood?

  GOD: What flood?

  ANGEL: (sighing) There’s been a flood in Asia. Hundreds of thousands of people—

  GOD: Shit! Hold on a second … I need to concentrate.

  ANNOUNCER: Mike Piazza pounds Hershiser’s curveball into deep right field! He’s rounding second … he should get to third base easily … Oh no! He’s down! His leg just buckled underneath him! He’s screaming now … wow … he really seems to be in a lot of pain. Here comes the tag … he’s out. Looks like the Dodgers are the winners. Although I’m sure they didn’t want to win like this.

  ANGEL: Okay, the game’s over. Can we please talk about the flood now?

  GOD: In a second. I want to hear the postgame interview.

  HERSHISER: I’d like to thank God for this victory. I couldn’t have done it without him.

  GOD: Hey, did you hear that! Did you hear what he just said!

  ANGEL: Yes, I heard.

  GOD: Man … I love that Hershiser guy.

  ANGEL: Can we talk about the flood now?

  GOD: In a minute. NASCAR’s on. I got to make sure Greg Biffle wins.

  ANGEL: Do you really have to watch NASCAR?

  GOD: Yes! I don’t think you get it. There are people out there who are counting on me.

  Made for each other

  ANGEL: Look, there’s a wedding in St. Patrick’s Cathedral! Max and Jenny… wow, they sure seem happy.

  GOD: Yeah, that looks like a really nice event.

  ANGEL: Did you hear the vows? Max said the two of them were made for each other. It was so romantic.

  GOD: Yeah. That’s nice that he thinks that.

  ANGEL: You mean … they’re not made for each other?

  GOD: No. I made Max for a woman named Alice Fishbein.

  ANGEL: Who’s she?

  GOD: She lives in Peekskill. She and Max have identical senses of humour and the same taste in furniture. They’re both obsessed with baking. Their sexual organs are mathematically proportioned to provide each other with the maximum amount of pleasure. It would have been incredible.

  ANGEL: Wow. How come they didn’t end up together?

  GOD: I thought it was going to happen. Max lives in Croton. That’s only two towns over. I figured they’d run into each other sooner or later and it would be love at first sight. Guess it never panned out.

  ANGEL: What about Jenny? Who is she made for?

  GOD: I made her for this guy Tom, in Calgary. He loves red and purple Life Savers and she loves the citrus flavours, so if they ever bought a pack, it would work out perfectly. Also, Tom plays the violin and Jenny plays the upright bass, so if they ever wanted to jam, they could just go ahead and jam.

  ANGEL: But Calgary … that’s all the way in Canada.

  GOD: Yeah. I should have put them closer.

  (Chur
ch bells ring below.)

  ANGEL: Oh, no – it’s too late!

  GOD: That’s okay. Who knows? Maybe they’ll be happy.

  ANGEL: Really? Is that possible?

  GOD: Stranger things have happened.

  A conversation between God and the man in a tin foil helmet and a Speedo who’s always shouting things next to the local Aldi

  – How’d it go today? Win any followers?

  – I’m afraid not, God. I’m sorry.

  – You told them the news, right? That the world is ending in four days?

  – Yes.

  – And you made the sign, like I told you? With all the information about the apocalypse?

  – Of course.

  – Did you try that thing I came up with, where you start swinging your arms around really fast while saying “The end is coming, the end is coming”?

  – (sighing) Yes.

  – And still no one listened! I can’t believe this. How can I prepare mankind for the apocalypse if they ignore the words of my prophet?

  – I actually had a thought today, God. I was thinking, maybe if I wore something a little more socially acceptable …

  – I have a strict dress code for my prophets: helmet, Speedo.

  – Listen, God, I’m honoured that you chose me to be your prophet – and it’s been a really exciting thirty-five years, don’t get me wrong. But I’m starting to think that maybe you should ask someone else to deliver your message. Like a senator, maybe? Or a minister?

  – Impossible. You are the prophet I have chosen.

  – Well, maybe I should at least leave the shopfront of Aldi. The manager keeps sending out someone with a broom to chase me off the lot. It’s pretty humiliating.

  – Yeah, I saw that. That was pretty bad.

  – Did you see when all the foil fell off while I was running away? So that I was completely naked, except for the helmet?

  – Yeah. That probably set us back a little. Maybe you should move to the side of the highway? I’m sure we’ll have more luck there.

  – Okay.