by Iris Morland
“Come here.” Lochlann folded me into a hug. “That’s not selfish. That’s a valid fear, but you’re forgetting one crucial data point here.”
I sniffled. “What?”
“You. Do you think you’ll let that happen? You’re the most stubborn woman I’ve ever met, and I’m fucking Irish.”
That made me laugh even as a few tears rolled down my face.
“You’ll earn your degree. You’ll continue your research. And you’ll be an amazing mother. Don’t doubt that.”
Even as I basked in the glow of his words, I didn’t understand why he refused to think of himself in such a way. He refused to let me limit myself, yet he was so sure limiting himself was the only possible choice. It didn’t make any sense.
I couldn’t help but ask, “Why can I have it all, but you can’t?”
“Some people just aren’t meant to have everything they want,” was his cryptic reply.
“That sounds like you’re deflecting.”
His lips twitched. “And you’re a pain in the arse.” Rubbing my back, he added, “Don’t you have a report to finish?”
“Don’t remind me. I’m so tired; my brain is total mush.”
Lochlann’s smile transformed his face, and my stupid heart skipped a beat. “Are you saying I kept you up past your bedtime?”
“Way past my bedtime. I barely got any sleep thanks to you.”
“I’d apologize, except I’m not sorry.”
“Neither am I.”
He kissed me, his lips molding to mine like they were meant for me. His scruff scratched my chin. I licked at his lips, and soon we were making out when we definitely had more pressing concerns. He had to get to class, and I had to finish this report.
But I indulged myself for a bit longer, because I didn’t know when I’d get another chance. Just because Lochlann said he wanted to keep sleeping with me didn’t mean he wouldn’t freak and run the opposite way when he thought about it harder.
“What do you think she’ll be like?” I said after our kissing had devolved into cuddling again.
He didn’t need me to explain who “she” was. “She’s going to be absolutely terrifying.”
“Well, that’s rude. What a thing to say about your daughter.” I tried to sound offended, except I completely agreed with him.
“Terrifying women are the best ones. I wouldn’t tolerate a wimp for a daughter.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, but she could be the exact opposite of us both. She might be into painting or something. Or maybe interpretative dance. She might turn into my mother and start selling essential oils at craft festivals.”
“Heaven forbid.” Lochlann touched my cheek. “She’ll be a force to be reckoned with, that’s for sure. But I think we’re up for the challenge. Don’t you agree?”
“Not sure I have much of a choice here.”
His expression turned solemn. “You’ve always had a choice, and you always will. I don’t want this to keep you from accomplishing your goals.”
“I hope you know I feel the same way about you. I never wanted you to feel trapped.”
“Unless you somehow managed to poke a hole in the condom while it was on my cock, I’m not sure how you would’ve managed to trap me.”
“Hey, I could’ve fished the thing out of the trash and gotten myself pregnant.”
Getting up, Lochlann said, “On that lovely note, I need to go.” He kissed me. “Be a good girl and get your report done.”
“Yes, Professor.”
Chapter Seventeen
Lochlann
I’d never been one to work on my research with anyone else, unless I had to for some reason. I preferred to work alone, without the chatter of another person filling my ear. One time, when Sophie and I had first started dating, I’d brought her to the lab to see me work, but it had ended in a fight on the way home.
You ignored me the entire time! she’d accused.
I was working!
I should’ve known at that point that things between us weren’t going to work out. Sophie needed more from me than I could give her. She wanted the kind of undivided attention that simply wasn’t possible from someone like me.
Sophie had never understood why I’d found biofuels more interesting than her. I’d tried on more than one occasion to explain exactly what my research entailed, but she’d yawned and told me she had no idea what I was talking about.
How had we dated for so long? I thought to myself. We were obviously incompatible.
After Sophie had thrown her engagement ring in my face, she’d started dating an office slob that apparently worked barely twenty hours a week. Suffice to say they became the perfect match.
Today, though, I’d somehow agreed to work in the lab with Kate. I didn’t have much in the way of a backbone when it came to her. Whenever she rubbed her pregnant belly and fluttered her eyelashes at me, I was a goner.
“It’ll be fun,” she said that morning on our way to the lab. “You’ll see.”
“I just don’t want you to get mad if I’m not paying attention to you.”
She gave me a strange look. “I’m going to be working, too. This isn’t, like, a date.”
I was skeptical. Maybe it was unfair to Kate, to compare her to my former fiancée, but I couldn’t shake that feeling that the day would end in arguments.
When we arrived at the lab and started working, I kept looking at Kate out of the corner of my eye. She soon became immersed in her own work, only occasionally making some comment or muttering to herself.
I soon realized she’d completely forgotten I was there. Who would’ve thought I’d be happy when Kate ignored me?
I soon got lost in my own work as well. My mind had been so preoccupied lately with Kate, the baby, and hiding our secret that coming back to the rules of science was comforting. Science had rules; it had data, it had theories. Although things were always shifting and being discovered, it was always based on concrete evidence.
This thing with Kate? None of it was based on anything concrete. It was messy, entangled, and confusing. One second I wanted to throttle her. The next, I wanted to fuck her until my mind went blank.
Most of all, I didn’t want to let her go. She’d grown crucially important to me—and that realization alone was terrifying.
I looked up to see Kate staring at me, a dreamy expression on her face. “What is it?”
She blushed. “Um, you just look so sexy when you’re really into your work.”
I laughed, albeit a bit awkwardly. “I’ve never heard anyone say that genetic engineering is sexy.”
“That’s not what’s sexy, you dork: you are. When you’re in the zone and you’re confident and self-assured, it’s super hot. If we weren’t in the lab I’d totally jump your bones right now.”
“Probably not a wise idea,” I agreed, even as my body thought it was an amazing idea and that we should totally take our clothes off as quickly as possible.
“Yeah, we’d probably get chemical burns. What if you sat on the counter and burned your ass? That’d suck. And then how would you explain that when you went to the ER?”
I had no idea how her brain worked, but it never failed to amaze and amuse me. “Your mind is such an interesting thing.”
She stuck out her tongue. “Interesting is just another word for ‘Kate, you’re crazy, please stop talking.’”
“That’s not a single word. That’s an entire sentence.”
She threw up her hands. “God, you’re pedantic. Why did I agree to do this again? Oh, yeah, I’m helping you.”
“More like distracting me.”
If she thought I was sexy, then she had no idea how sexy she looked, wearing a lab coat, gloves, and glasses. I’d seen plenty of women in the same ensemble, yet on Kate, it only emphasized how intelligent she was.
Kate rubbed her belly. Her lab coat was a little large for her, which effectively hid her bump in case someone came into the lab. Considering it was the weekend, there was little
chance someone would join us.
“This baby is active today. Wow, yeah. Come here.”
She grabbed my hand and pressed it to her belly. Her belly rippled under my palm, like a wave. I had to admit, I’d never tire of Kate grabbing my hand to get me to feel our daughter move. It always amazed me: just like her mother.
Kate beamed up at me. “Is it weird how much I enjoy her kicking me in the ribs?”
“Not if it’s weird that I enjoy you almost pulling my shoulder out of its socket to get me to feel it.”
She snorted, and I couldn’t help myself: I kissed her. It was a brief kiss, not more than a second, but at the same time our lips pressed together the door to the lab opened.
We jumped apart like two scalded cats. Bloody fucking hell, had we been seen? Or had we jumped apart quickly enough?
“Oh, hello. I didn’t expect anyone to be here on a Saturday,” said Liz. She smiled at me and Kate, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. An icy fear curled around my guts.
“We wanted to get ahead of things before Thanksgiving,” explained Kate. I couldn’t help but be impressed at how calm she sounded.
“Well, don’t let me get in your way. I’ll only be here for a bit.” Liz nodded at me. “Lochlann. Nice to see you.”
Kate and I attempted to return to work, but the presence of Liz made that almost impossible. Kate and I both watched her, as if her body language would give us clues as to what she’d actually seen.
But Liz soon left with a casual goodbye, leaving Kate and I alone once again.
I swore in Irish the second the door closed behind my colleague.
“I’m going to assume that’s basically ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ in Irish,” said Kate.
I didn’t even laugh. I couldn’t. I could only feel the fear that threatened to choke me. My career, my reputation—they could all go up in a puff of smoke because of one stupid mistake.
“I’m sorry,” I said in a low voice. “That was my fault.”
“What? No. Don’t blame yourself. We were both not being careful.” Kate’s face was pale despite her earlier lighthearted words. “Do you think she really saw us?”
“I don’t know. But we need to assume she did.”
“So, what do we do? Just hope she doesn’t say anything?”
I blew out a breath. “I can talk to her, see if she’ll reveal if she saw anything. But I doubt she will. She’s not stupid, and she hasn’t liked me since I started working here.”
Kate gave me a surprised look. “Why doesn’t she like you?”
“That’s a mystery. She did try to hit on me early in the quarter, but I’m not going to assume she’s still upset about that.”
“Hey, if I’d hit on you and you’d rejected me, I’d be devastated.”
I tried to smile, but it was impossible. I was barely staving off panic. If Liz said something, I’d have to come clean. When Kate’s pregnancy and our relationship was revealed, they’d fire me. Just the thought of being sent back to Ireland, leaving Kate alone to raise our child, made me almost collapse in sheer terror.
“Maybe we can get her not to say anything,” said Kate.
“What, like bribe her?” My voice dripped with sarcasm. “Yeah, that’ll end well for us.”
“That’s not what I meant. Maybe she’s a romantic. It’s not like we knew who the other was when we first met. There’s that loophole. Maybe she’s been in a similar situation and would be sympathetic.”
“You think too highly of people.”
“And you think everyone is an asshole, apparently.”
Anger made my voice harsh. “You’re too naive to understand how the world works. You’re barely an adult, Kate. Do you really understand what’ll happen to me if our relationship is revealed? What’ll happen to you?”
Kate’s face paled. “You don’t have to be a dick. I’m not an idiot.”
“No, but you’re young. You think everything can be fixed with the wave of a magic wand. But this is real life. If Liz confesses to seeing us kissing, I’ll not only lose my position, but my work visa will be revoked. I can’t stay here to be with you and our daughter.”
“What, you’ll be deported?” Kate laughed uneasily. “That seems a little extreme.”
“Not deported, but I’d need to get another job that would sponsor my visa. Which would be extremely difficult, considering the reason why I’d been fired. I’d have to leave the country eventually.”
“Then we’ll get married. Isn’t that what people do when one person isn’t a citizen?”
I groaned. “I’m not going to trap you in a marriage. And if it’s discovered that we married for a green card...” I sighed heavily. “It’s too risky.”
“So you’re just going to lie down and take it? Not try to explain our side of the story? I’ve taken you for a lot of things, Lochlann, but a coward was never one of them.”
“I’m trying to do the best I can for you and our daughter. Believe me when I say that you don’t want to marry me. Why would you when we don’t love each other?”
Her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “Maybe you don’t,” she choked out, “but I do.”
Those words—they slammed into my heart. But Kate didn’t know what she was talking about. This was just infatuation combined with great sex. Shaking my head, I said quietly, “I’m not going to hold you to that. Those feelings will fade soon enough.”
“Wow, you really think highly of me, don’t you? Too stupid to understand the world, too naive to understand what love is.” She thrust a finger in my direction. “But you know what I think? I think if anyone doesn’t understand these things, it’s you. You’re twisting the truth to suit your own version of the truth. And it’s really not a good look.”
“You can believe what you want, but that doesn’t affect what’s actually happening.”
“Yes, well, since you’re the big, strong man with the nice big brain, I’ll leave you to find a solution. I’m going to go home and do silly lady things. Maybe I’ll ponder how I manage to breathe and walk at the same time with such few brain cells between my ears.”
After Kate left, I allowed myself a few minutes of self-pity before I began to think of some sort of solution to this seemingly unsolvable problem. Even if Kate hated me for it, I’d do it: for her and for our daughter.
Chapter Eighteen
Kate
When I returned home to my apartment, I couldn’t bear to stay there. Seeing Lochlann’s particular brand of tea on my counter, his toothbrush in my bathroom, even the faded scent of him on one of my pillows, was painful.
Grabbing my things, I headed straight to my old place, hoping that Naoko wouldn’t mind the sudden intrusion.
Isn’t it kind of cowardly to sneak out without trying to speak with him one more time? my more logical side argued.
I wasn’t in the mood to try to talk to him like a mature adult. If he thought I was some stupid child, then I’d prove him right. I was apparently much too dense to understand all the complex ideas rolling around in his brilliant, manly mind.
I grabbed the key I’d meant to return to Naoko, just in case she was out. I texted her right before I left, but as I drove over to her place, I hadn’t yet gotten a response.
When I arrived at Naoko’s, I knocked. Then knocked a second time. When no one answered, I unlocked the door and found my former roommate and her boyfriend going at it like rabbits on the living room rug.
A screech like I’d never heard before came out of Naoko. Henry was on top of her, his back to the door. In her shock, Naoko kneed Henry right in the balls. Suddenly the scene before me was like out of a horror movie: Henry, on his back, practically sobbing while Naoko was frantically searching for something to use to cover herself up with.
“What the heck!” Naoko finally grabbed a throw pillow and held it in front of her body like a shield. “What are you doing here? And have you ever heard of knocking?”
My usually placid roommate was breathing heavily, her entire body red
, her hair a mess. Henry, for his part, had finally figured out that I was now in the apartment.
He grimaced but gave me a little wave. “Hey, Kate. What’s up?”
Naoko got another throw pillow for Henry to cover up his poor junk.
As for me, I was trying so hard not to laugh that I’d had to turn around. If Naoko and Henry thought it was because I wanted to give them privacy, well, they were welcome to think so.
“Sorry, guys,” I said. “I can go. I didn’t mean to interrupt your fun.”
Naoko sighed. “Just give us a second; you don’t need to leave. Henry, are you sure you’re okay? I kicked you pretty hard.”
“I’m pretty sure you just gave me a free vasectomy, babe.”
I heard shuffling, moaning, and Naoko’s low voice as the two made it back to the bedroom. I sat on the couch, realized I was sitting next to the throw pillow that had been covering up Henry’s dick, and promptly moved to the opposite chair.
Naoko eventually appeared, finally dressed, but not wearing her glasses. She blushed when she saw me. “I can’t find my glasses. Can you help me? I’m so blind without them and Henry is currently recovering on the bed.”
Naoko and I searched around the living room, even lifting up cushions of the couch and chairs. I began to peruse the bookshelf, only to find Naoko’s panties in a potted plant. I held them up with a barely contained grin.
“Oh my God!” Naoko snatched them and stuffed them in her pocket. “Can this evening get any worse?”
“For you, yes. For me, definitely not.”
We finally found her glasses under the couch. Naoko stuttered something that sounded like a vague explanation. As for me, I was just glad my friend was getting some from her boyfriend. In all honesty. I’d never been too sure about Henry’s bedroom abilities. He’d always seemed too awkward to know where the clitoris was located.
In this instance, I was glad to be proven wrong.