Her Fearful Symmetry

by Audrey Niffenegger

  Martin said, 'Curiosity killed the cat.' He took another drag on his cigarette.

  'I know. But I just feel like my head's going to explode if I don't find out ... whatever it is.'

  'You would make a good scholar.'

  Julia was fascinated to see that smoke came out of his mouth in little gusts as he spoke. I thought Dad was a hardcore smoker, but this guy is definitely in another league. 'I can't sit still that long. I want to find out now, and then find out the next thing.'

  'A journalist, then.'

  Julia looked dubious. 'Maybe. But what about Valentina?' She noticed that Martin had removed his surgical gloves in order to smoke the cigarette. They lay crumpled beside his cup and saucer.

  'Don't you think that each of you might be happier pursuing your own interests?'

  'But we're together - we've always done things together.'

  'Hmm.'

  Julia had the uncomfortable feeling that someone had snuck upstairs before she'd arrived and told Martin the Mouse's point of view on things. 'What?' she said, resentfully.

  'It's a pity you won't meet Elspeth. She had some interesting things to say about being a twin.'

  Julia was all attention. 'Like what?'

  Martin asked, 'Would you like some cake?' Julia shook her head. 'I think I will have a small piece,' he said. He delicately cut a sliver of cake and laid it on a plate, then ignored it as he continued to smoke. 'Elspeth thought that there was a limit to how far the twin relationship should go, in terms of each person giving up their own individuality. She felt that she and your mother had exceeded that boundary.'

  'How?'

  Martin shook his head. 'She didn't tell me. You ought to ask Robert; if she told anyone it would have been him.'

  'Robert Fanshaw? We haven't met him yet.'

  'Hmm. I'd have thought he'd've been round to introduce himself first thing. How odd.'

  'We've knocked on his door, but he's never home. Maybe he's out of town,' Julia said.

  'I just saw him this morning. He arranged for your ceiling to be repaired.' Martin smiled. 'He ticked me off properly for annoying you.' Martin stubbed out his cigarette and then carefully put on his gloves.

  'Huh. I wonder how come ... I mean, what's he like?'

  Martin ate a bite of cake and Julia waited while he chewed and swallowed. 'Well, he was very devoted to Elspeth. I think perhaps her death has unhinged him a bit. But he's a good fellow, he's very patient with all my mishaps.'

  'Do you have a lot of - Um, should we expect the ceiling to cave in all the time?'

  Martin looked embarrassed. 'That's only happened once before. I'll try very hard not to do that again.'

  'Do you have a choice about it?'

  'There's a little bit of leeway. Usually.'

  Julia felt dizzy from all the cigarette smoke. 'Can I use your washroom?'

  Martin said, 'Of course.' He pointed towards the servant's room. 'There's one in there.' Julia rose unsteadily and made her way through the box-filled room into the tiny bathroom. There were more boxes stacked in the bathtub. It must be like living in a self-storage unit. She used the toilet and splashed water on her face and felt better. When she got back to the kitchen she said, 'So what's in the boxes? I mean, it looks like you just moved in.'

  Martin regarded her tolerantly. 'All right, Miss Pandora Poole. As a special treat you may open a box.'

  'Any box?'

  'Maybe. I can't always remember what's in them, so it doesn't much matter which box.'

  They both stood up. It's like Easter. Or Christmas. 'Any hints?'

  'No,' he said. 'Most of them aren't too exciting.' They moved into the dining room. Julia stood staring at the towering piles of boxes. Martin said, 'Perhaps you could pick one from the top? So we don't have to shift them all?'

  Julia pointed at a box and Martin carefully took it off the pile and handed it to her. It was embalmed in tape, so he went and got a Stanley knife. She put the box on the floor and sliced into it, kneeling beside it. When she opened the box Martin stood back as though it might explode.

  It was full of plastic. At first Julia thought plastic was the only thing in the box, but as she delved into it she realised that there were a number of items, each wrapped in plastic and taped. She looked up at Martin. He stood in the doorway, nervously tugging at his gloved fingers. 'Should I stop?' she asked.

  'No. Unwrap something.'

  She groped in the box and pulled out a small plastic package. She unwrapped it slowly. It was an earring, a single pearl in an elaborate silver setting. She offered it up to Martin. He leaned forward to look. 'Ah,' he said. 'That's Marijke's. She'll want that back.' He did not take it from Julia.

  She said, 'Do you think the other earring is in here?' He nodded. She went through the box until she found a similar package. When she had both earrings Julia stood up. She went to Martin and held out her hand. He cupped his gloved hands together and she put the earrings into them. Then she put all the plastic back in the box, and placed it back on the pile. She didn't want to know what else was in there. They went back to the kitchen and stood awkwardly next to their chairs. Martin put the earrings carefully into Valentina's teacup. He said, 'Sometimes a thing is ... too much ... and it has to be isolated and put away.' Martin shrugged. 'So what's in the boxes is ... emotion. In the form of objects.' He looked at Julia. 'Is that what you wanted to know?'

  'Yes.' It seemed like a completely sensible system. 'Thank you.'

  'Any other questions?'

  She stared at her shoes. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean ... it was nice of you ...' She stopped because she was about to cry.

  'Hey, hey, it's all right, child.' Martin put his thumb under her chin and lifted her face. 'No harm done.' She blinked at him. 'Don't look so tragic.'

  'I felt like I really was Pandora for a minute there.'

  'No, not at all. But I'm going to send you home now, I think.'

  'Can I come again?' It seemed urgent to Julia, to know.

  'Yes,' said Martin. 'That would be delightful. You know, you're very like your aunt. Please do visit again. Any time,' he added.

  'Okay,' said Julia. 'I will. Thank you.' They navigated the aisles between the boxes until they stood at Martin's front door. He watched as Julia disappeared, foreshortened, down the stairs. She stopped and waved just before vanishing. He heard her door open and close, heard her calling 'Mouse!' and an answering call. 'Goodness,' Martin said to himself, and turned and shut his door.

  HER ELECTRICAL NATURE

  IT WAS A dreary Saturday evening in mid-February. Rain was lashing the windows; Elspeth wondered if perhaps that would wash any of the grime off them. Julia and Valentina were eating their dinner in front of the TV. They're going to get some kind of vitamin deficiency, Elspeth thought. They never seem to eat anything green. Tonight it was tinned chicken soup, peanut butter on toast and semi-skimmed milk. The twins watched copious amounts of television (Julia joked that they had to learn the language somehow), but tonight they seemed to be making a point of sitting down to watch a particular programme. It turned out to be Doctor Who.

  Elspeth hovered above them, lying on her stomach, chin resting on folded arms. Isn't there anything else on TV? She was a snob about science fiction and hadn't seen an episode of Doctor Who since the early eighties. Eh, I suppose it's better than nothing. She watched Julia and Valentina watching the television. They ate their soup slowly from mugs and looked keen. Elspeth happened to glance at the screen in time to see the Doctor walk out of the Tardis and into a defunct spaceship.

  That's David Tennant! Elspeth zoomed over to the television and sat herself a foot away from it. The Doctor and his companions had discovered an eighteenth-century French fireplace on the spaceship. A fire burned in the hearth. I want a fire, Elspeth thought. She had been experimenting with warming herself over the flames of the stove on the rare occasions that the twins cooked anything. The Doctor had crouched down by the fire and was conversing with a little girl in Paris in 1727 who seemed t
o be on the other side of the fireplace. Is it sad to fancy David Tennant when you're dead? This is a very strange programme. The little girl turned out to be the future Madame de Pompadour. Clockwork androids from the spaceship were trying to steal her brain.

  'Cyber-steampunk, or steam-cyberpunk?' asked Julia. Elspeth had no idea what she meant. Valentina said, 'Look at her hair. Do you think we could do that?'

  'It's a wig,' said Julia. The Doctor was reading Madame de Pompadour's mind. He put his hands on her head, palms enclosing her face, fingers delicately splayed around her ears. Such long fingers, Elspeth marvelled. She placed her small hand on top of David Tennant's. The screen was deliciously warm. Elspeth sunk her hand into it, just an inch or so.

  'God, that's weird,' said Valentina. There was a dark silhouette of a woman's hand superimposed over the Doctor's. He let go of Madame de Pompadour's face, but the black hand remained where it was. Elspeth took her hand away; the screen hand stayed black. 'How did you do that?' said the Doctor. Elspeth thought he was speaking to her, then realised that Madame de Pompadour was answering him. I must have burned out the screen. What if I could do that with my face? She tucked her entire self into the TV and found herself looking out through the screen. It was wonderful inside the television, quite warm and pleasantly confining. Elspeth had only been in there for a second or two when the twins saw the screen go black. The TV died.

  'Drat,' said Julia. 'It looks like a newish set too.' She got up and started fiddling with the buttons, to no avail.

  'Maybe it's under warranty,' said Valentina. 'I wonder where she got it?'

  John Lewis, Elspeth remembered. But I think the warranty must have expired by now. She passed out of the television and stood before it, hoping it would revive. That was rather exciting - they saw me! Well, they saw my hand. She waited for the screen to flicker back to life, but it remained stubbornly dark. Think about this. I short-circuited an electrical thing. Am I electrical? What am I made of, anyway? She stared down at her hands, which, to her, looked like ... hands. Elspeth floated over to a floor lamp which stood in a corner of the room. It was turned off. She reached through the fixture and touched her fingers to the base of the light bulb. It began to glow, faintly. Ah, that's bloody brilliant. She looked to see if the twins were noticing, but they weren't.

  'Maybe that guy upstairs would let us watch his TV,' said Valentina. Her reluctance to meet Martin was evenly matched by her desire to see the rest of the episode.

  'I'm not sure he has one,' said Julia. 'It was kind of hard to tell with all the stuff he's got piled up.' They stood looking at each other in silence, irresolute.

  'Maybe there's a Scrabble set around here somewhere.' Valentina got up, and Julia followed her out of the room. Elspeth stood holding the light bulb, feeling a distinct sense of anticlimax. It's in the wardrobe in the guest bedroom, she thought. She let the light bulb go, and the glow vanished. She could hear the twins ransacking her office. I've got to get more serious about this. I wish I'd read more ghost stories, I'm sure I could have found some tips in Le Fanu and that lot. Maybe there's something on Wikipedia. I wonder if I can turn on the computer? No, I'd probably just wreck it. Elspeth climbed back into the defunct television, which was still warm. What's wrong with me? I feel positively fuckwitted, I think death has knocked fifty points off my IQ. I used to be able to reason. Now I just waft around making random experiments regarding the nature of existence. And wallowing in self-pity.

  When the last of the heat was gone from the TV, Elspeth left it and wandered into the guest room. The wardrobe stood slightly open. The Scrabble set was on the top shelf, under the Monopoly box and an old cribbage board. Elspeth got onto the shelf and behind the games. She began pushing. It was useless; the boxes were too heavy for her. Sod it.

  She went to her office to see what the twins were doing. They were sitting together on the floor, huddled over an old issue of The Face. Elspeth felt irritated. Idiot girls. You're sitting in a flat that's chock-full of fabulous printed matter and what are you reading about? Morrissey.

  'Don't,' said Valentina.

  'Don't what?' replied Julia.

  'Don't be mad at me. It's not my fault about the TV.'

  'I'm not mad at you.' Julia put the magazine down and looked at Valentina. 'I'm kinda bored, but not mad.'

  'Huh. I just felt this - like you were really annoyed with me.'

  'Well, I'm not.'

  'Okay.'

  They went back to their reading. Elspeth crouched on the floor a few feet away and stared at them. Valentina raised her head and surveyed the room, perplexed. Seeing nothing, she looked down again. Julia turned the page.

  All right then, Elspeth thought. We're getting somewhere, you and I.

  Valentina said, 'It's so cold in here. Let's just go to bed.' Julia put the magazine away and flipped the light switch. Elspeth sat by herself in the dark, listening to the twins brushing their teeth. When the flat was quiet she went to her desk and touched her fingers to the light bulb in the desk lamp. It glowed.

  SQUIRRELS

  FOR DAYS MARTIN had been hearing noises in the eaves. Something was scampering, clawing, scratching in the space between his ceiling and the roof. Martin called Robert. Robert called the pest-control man, whose name was Kevin.

  Kevin duly arrived first thing Monday morning. He was an enormous man, at least twenty stone, both tall and wide. He didn't say anything as Martin and Robert led him through the darkened rooms with their piles of boxes. Martin wondered how such an immense human was going to manage to get through the small trapdoor in the dressing-room ceiling that provided access to the eaves.

  Kevin pulled down the ladder, took out a torch and squeezed himself through the hole with a soft grunt. Robert and Martin heard his boots treading from joist to joist. Martin felt a bit queasy, staring up at the hole. Something might come running out of it. Perhaps whatever it was had fleas; perhaps Kevin would bring the fleas down with him on his boots. He seemed to be up there a long time. Martin became very uneasy. Robert said, 'You don't have to stand here. Why don't you go and have a fag at your desk. I'll wait for him.' Martin shook his head. The faint boot treads seemed to be moving around the outer perimeter of the building. 'Have you ever been up there?' Robert asked.

  'When we first lived here Marijke went up. And we had some problems with the roof, but that was before you came. It's just boards and insulation.' Martin wondered if he could persuade Kevin to remove his boots before he stepped off the ladder. Not likely.

  The boot treads approached; Kevin appeared in the opening, lowered himself onto the ladder. Martin stared at his boots. Robert said, 'See anything?'

  'There's nowt up there,' said Kevin. 'You've got very empty eaves.'

  'Hmm,' said Robert. 'They must be on the roof, not in the roof.'

  'That'll be it, perhaps.'

  Robert saw him out and came back upstairs. Martin was scrubbing the dressing-room floor.

  'Well?' said Robert.

  'That's a deep subject,' Martin replied.

  'My grandfather used to say that.'

  Martin said, 'Why haven't you introduced yourself to Elspeth's girls? They've been here for six weeks.'

  Robert leaned against the doorjamb and thought about it. 'I don't know. I've been rather busy. I had their ceiling fixed, though.' He watched Martin scrubbing and said, 'You might use a bit less water when you do that, or you'll be bringing down their dressing-room ceiling as well and all Elspeth's shoes will be ruined.'

  'They're charming. Or, one of them is. I haven't met the other one. She was quite Elspeth-like.'

  'In what way?'

  'That devastating forthrightness. Elspeth could wield it better, of course - Julia seems a bit out of control. But really, she's a lovely girl. Nothing to be afraid of.'

  Robert made a little snorting sound that Martin correctly translated as Kindly back off. 'These noises you've been hearing. Are you sure they're animal noises? I noticed the big oak has grown over the roof. Perhaps we need
to call a tree surgeon and get things trimmed up. It couldn't hurt.'

  'All right.' Martin was convinced that the eaves were infested with something, but he knew better than to insist on it now that the pest-control man had checked things out and found nothing. Martin knew that there were two realities: the actual one and the felt one. In the past he had tried to explain, but Robert didn't understand and invariably started talking about medication in a serious, almost patronising manner. Martin stopped scrubbing and stared at the floor, then closed his eyes and consulted his feeling about the floor. The urge to clean it was satisfied. He stood up and gathered his bucket and brush.

  'How's your book coming along?' he asked Robert.

  'Fine. I'm off to the Royal Society of Medicine today. I'm helping Dr Jelliffe with his pamphlet on all the medical practitioners buried in Highgate.'

  'Oh, what fun,' Martin said wistfully. Of all the things he missed about the world, researching in actual libraries ranked near the top. Robert opened his mouth to say something, changed his mind. Martin said, 'Say hello to the doctor, then. And for heaven's sake go and introduce yourself to those twins.'

  Robert smiled and gave Martin an enigmatic look. 'Okay. I'll get right on it.' He left Martin's flat and went down the stairs. On the first-floor landing he stood facing the door, staring at the little card with Elspeth's name on it. He raised his hand to knock, then didn't, and continued walking down the stairs and into his flat.

  PRIMROSE HILL

  IT WAS A grey, cold day. Rain was imminent. Julia and Valentina were walking up Primrose Hill. They were bundled up against the cold, and the effort of walking uphill made their cheeks pink. Julia had bought a book called Super-Mini British Slang Dictionary in an Oxfam shop. She occasionally referred to it as they walked.

  'Bubble and squeak,' Julia said.

  Valentina pondered. 'It's something to eat. Is it steak and kidney pie?'

  'No, steak and kidney pie is steak and kidney pie.'

  'Well, it's like a stew.'

  'Cabbage and potatoes chopped up and fried together,' said Julia. 'Okay, here's a good one: codswallop.'

  'Nonsense.'

  'Very good, A-plus for our Mouse. Now you do some for me.' Julia handed Valentina the book. The twins reached the top of the hill. London spread out before them. The twins were unaware of it, but Winston Churchill had often stood on the spot they happened to be standing on, thinking over strategy during World War II. The twins were disappointed with the view. Chicago was dramatic; if you went to the top of the John Hancock Center you felt a little bit of vertigo and saw a city full of huge buildings beside a gigantic body of water. Standing on Primrose Hill, the twins saw Regent's Park, which was drab in February, and tiny buildings in the distance all around.