Her Fearful Symmetry

by Audrey Niffenegger

  'Well, he didn't care much for children, and I had just got to the age where we might have developed an actual understanding - but it was all a sham, anyway.'

  'Oh.' Valentina thought she ought to say something. 'I'm sorry.'

  Robert smiled at her. 'You're sounding more English by the day. No need to be sorry.' They heard Julia's footsteps in the kitchen above them. 'Should you go upstairs?'

  'In a while.'

  'Would you like some breakfast, then?'

  'Sure.'

  Robert collected eggs, bacon, butter and various other items from the fridge. 'How do you like your eggs?'

  'Fried?'

  While the bacon and eggs cooked he set out plates and cutlery, jam and juice; he made toast. Valentina watched him, comforted by his efficiency and delighted by the novelty of having a man serve her breakfast while he pretended not to notice that she was wearing pyjamas.

  Robert slid the food onto their plates and sat down. They began to eat. Upstairs, Julia stomped across the kitchen. 'Somebody's not happy,' Robert said.

  'I don't care.'

  'Ah, well,' he said.

  'I wish I could just leave,' Valentina said.

  But you just got here. Robert said, 'Why don't you, then?'

  Valentina sensed that he was - what? Offended? She said hastily, 'I don't mean you - I mean Julia. She thinks she owns me. She's, like, a total dictator about it.'

  Robert hesitated, then said, 'At the end of the year, you can sell the flat and do what you like.'

  Valentina shook her head. 'Julia won't sell it. Julia won't do anything that would let me be independent. I'm stuck.'

  'You could go to Xavier Roche and ask him to divide the estate. There's enough money in the trusts that Julia could keep the flat and you could take your share in cash,' Robert said.

  Valentina brightened. 'I could do that?'

  'It's provided for in the will. Didn't you read it?'

  'We did,' Valentina said vaguely, 'but I wasn't paying attention to the small print.'

  'Elspeth said she regrets having stipulated that you both live here for a year. She's rather worried about you.'

  'When did she say that?' Valentina asked.

  'Last week.'

  'Too late.'

  'Yes,' Robert said. 'I think that watching you and Julia come unglued is too much like whatever happened to her and Edie.'

  Valentina finished her eggs and wiped her mouth. 'I wish she'd tell us.'

  Robert said, 'I think she would - I think it's your mother who doesn't want you to know.'

  'What would you do if you were me?'

  Robert smiled and ran his eyes over her pyjamas. 'All sorts of things,' he said. 'Shall I list them?'

  'No - you know what I mean.' She blushed.

  He sighed. 'I would make friends with Elspeth.'

  'Oh.' She thought about this. 'I'm frightened of her.'

  'That's because you only know her as cold blasts of air and such. She was wonderful when she was alive.'

  'Why is Elspeth not speaking to you?'

  'Sorry?'

  'You said she wasn't--'

  'Oh, so I did.' He got up to clear away the dishes. 'It's just a misunderstanding. It will pass.'

  'Was she ... was she more like Julia, or me?'

  Robert shook his head. 'She was herself. She was plucky, like Julia, but also restrained, like you. She was very clever and she liked to have her own way. But she usually worked it so that I enjoyed whatever it was she'd manoeuvred me into doing.'

  'It freaks me out that she watches us and we don't know she's there.'

  'Perhaps you could use that as an excuse to treat each other more kindly?'

  'What did she tell you?' asked Valentina.

  He looked surprised. 'I can use my own eyes.'

  She coloured deeply but did not reply. Robert said, 'From what I've been able to glean, Elspeth and Edie had an agreement that Elspeth wouldn't have anything to do with you and Julia. Elspeth seems to feel that she kept up her end of the bargain.' He returned the juice and butter to the fridge. 'But now I think she would like to get to know you a bit. Since you're here.' He began to run water into the sink. 'If it's any comfort, she probably spends less time hovering round than you imagine. She liked to be off on her own. If you put out a few books where she can get at them, or leave the TV on for her, I'm sure she'd let you be.'

  'The TV's broken,' Valentina reminded him.

  'Let's cope with that, then, shall we?' Robert was standing at the sink with his back to Valentina. He stared out of the window and thought of Elspeth. You must be bored silly. No one to talk to, nothing to read. He tried to imagine how Elspeth had felt when Valentina ran away from her in a panic. He turned to Valentina and said, 'Do you mind if I go up later and try to talk to her?'

  Valentina shrugged. 'Sure, no problem. But why even ask? You're in our flat all the time, talking to her.'

  'I hadn't realised I was so obvious.'

  'We can use our own eyes.' She smiled.

  'Touche.'

  Valentina stood up and padded over to Robert. 'Thank you for breakfast.' He had his hands in the soapy water and she darted a kiss at his face just as he turned to her.

  'Ouch,' he said. 'Let's do that properly.' Each kiss was a little lesson. Robert enjoyed them, though he was beginning to wonder if they would ever lead to a more advanced curriculum. His hands were wet but he slid them under her pyjama top and ran his palms over her breasts.

  She whispered, 'That's nice.'

  'It could be much nicer,' he offered.

  'Mmm. Not ... yet.' She stepped back, looking confused. Robert smiled.

  'I have to go upstairs,' Valentina said.

  'Okay.'

  'I'm going to talk to Elspeth.'

  'That's good,' he told her.

  'And I'll be nice to Julia.'

  'Also good.'

  'See you later.'

  'Yes.'

  When Valentina returned to their flat she found Julia at the dining-room table, fully dressed and reading the newspaper over a cup of coffee with a lit cigarette in her hand.

  'Hi,' Valentina said.

  'Hi,' Julia replied without looking up.

  'I wish you wouldn't smoke in the flat.'

  'I wish you wouldn't run downstairs and screw Robert when I'm sleeping, but that doesn't stop you, does it?' Julia kept her eyes on the newspaper.

  'I haven't - we haven't - and that's none of your business anyway.'

  Julia looked at Valentina. 'Whatever. Your pyjamas are all wet.' She put the cigarette to her lips, blew the smoke in Valentina's direction. Valentina went to take a shower. By the time she was dressed Julia had left the flat.

  Valentina collected a stack of paper and some pens and pencils. She spread the Ouija board Robert had made onto the coffee table, and placed the plastic planchette carefully in the middle of it. 'Elspeth?' she called. 'Are you here?'

  The planchette began to move. GOOD MORNING, it said. As Valentina watched, she saw Elspeth materialise, hovering over the board, pushing the little planchette with great concentration. Elspeth looked up at her and smiled.

  Valentina smiled back. 'Tell me a story,' she said.

  WHAT SORT OF STORY

  'Tell me about you and Mom, when you were little ...'

  Elspeth tilted her head to the side and thought for a moment. She placed her finger inside the planchette and twirled it a few times. Then she knelt by the table and slowly began to spell: ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WERE TWO SISTERS NAMED EDIE AND ELSPETH ...

  HOME DENTISTRY

  MARTIN HAD A toothache. It had been coming on for days. Now it had arrived in his mouth, like a train, and he was unable to think of anything else. He stood in front of the bathroom mirror and tried to see the painful tooth by leaning his head back, opening his mouth and straining his eyes downward, but this merely caused him to fall over backwards and crack his shin on the bathtub. He gave up and took some codeine that Marijke had left over from her slipped disk. Then h
e went back to bed.

  Later in the morning his phone rang. Since the phone was in bed with him, quite near his head, Martin felt as though it were his tooth that was ringing; the pain was excruciating. It was Marijke.

  'Hallo, sailor, what of the sea?' She sounded quite cheerful.

  'Still salty,' he said. 'How are you?' He sat up and fumbled for his glasses.

  'What's wrong?' Marijke said. 'You sound asleep.'

  'Oh ... I've got toothache.' He felt a little ashamed of himself; he wanted her to feel sorry for him.

  'Oh, no.' Marijke was sitting in her flat, having a leisurely Saturday morning in her comfortable chair with a detective novel on her lap and a bowl of crisps to hand. She had decided to call Martin in a mood of magnanimity. Now his toothache groped through the phone and demanded that she attend to it. 'Have you done anything for it? Which tooth?'

  'One of the upper molars. On the right side. It feels like someone's kicking my face.'

  Neither of them said anything, because there was no obvious remedy. Even if Martin could have gone to the dentist, he had no dentist to go to: Dr Prescott had left the NHS to practise privately; in the process he had dropped Martin from his patient list. Anyway, it didn't matter, because Dr Prescott didn't do home visits. Finally Marijke said, 'Maybe you should call Robert?'

  'Why?'

  'Maybe he could ... no, never mind.'

  Martin pressed his hand against his cheek. The tooth was throbbing more relentlessly. 'He's a clever chap, but I don't think he knows much about dentistry.' Martin climbed out of the bed and walked into the bathroom. Something was different - but he couldn't think what it was, not with his tooth pulsing whilst he was talking to Marijke and trying to find the bottle of codeine capsules - Ah, there. He swallowed two and wandered back to bed. As he got into bed he realised that he had just walked on the floor in his bare feet without giving it a thought. Hmm. The anxiety wasn't there; no compulsion urged itself upon him. He turned his attention back to Marijke.

  'So what are you going to do?' she asked him.

  'Sleep?'

  'Shall I call Robert, then?'

  'All right - tell him to come up with a pair of pliers.'

  'Ugh,' she said. 'Go back to sleep.'

  Later Martin was sitting at his kitchen table in a codeine fog, trying to eat lukewarm porridge. He heard Robert stumbling through the dark flat, calling his name. 'Here. The kitchen,' Martin said, with effort.

  'Hey,' Robert said softly when he arrived in the kitchen. 'Marijke says you've fallen afoul of the tooth fairy.'

  'Mmm,' Martin said.

  'Listen - if I found a dentist - could you leave the flat?'

  Martin shook his head very slowly.

  'You're quite sure?'

  'I'm sorry ...'

  'Never mind. I'm going to make some calls. I'll be back soon, I hope.'

  Time passed and Robert did not reappear. Martin put his head on the table and dozed. When he woke again Julia was sitting at the table reading yesterday's Telegraph. She had washed the dishes.

  'Robert sent me,' she told him.

  'Time is it?' Martin asked.

  'Four-ish,' said Julia. 'Can I do anything? Tea?'

  'Yes, please,' said Martin. Julia had brought the bag of frozen peas. Martin gratefully held it against his face. She got up and began to make tea.

  Julia said, 'Robert's here.' Martin sat up and ran his hands over his hair so that it stood straight up and made him look surprised.

  'Martin,' Robert said, 'I've brought Sebastian.'

  Robert's friend Sebastian Morrow, the funeral director, stood in the kitchen doorway. Martin had always found Sebastian to be rather aloof; now he looked uncertain and reluctant, though resplendent in a beautiful deep-blue suit; his shoes gleamed and he held an ominous leather satchel.

  'But I need a dentist,' said Martin, 'not an undertaker. Yet.'

  Robert said, 'Before he became an undertaker Sebastian did the undergraduate course in dentistry at Barts.'

  Julia rose from her seat and stood near the back door with her arms folded across her chest. Only Robert would bring an undertaker to pull a tooth.

  Martin said, 'Why didn't you carry on with dentistry?'

  Sebastian said, 'Dead people don't bite.' He lifted the satchel and asked, 'May I?'

  'Please,' said Martin.

  Robert spread a clean towel on the table, and Sebastian laid out his instruments: a syringe for the novocaine, a bottle of alcohol, wads of cotton and gauze. Robert took a cup and a bowl from the cupboard, and Sebastian put on an immaculate white coverall. He washed his hands and pulled on latex gloves.

  As long as he'd been waiting for Robert to come, Martin had devoutly wished for an end to his agony. But now, watching Sebastian prepare, Martin began to feel unendurably anxious. 'Wait!' he said, grasping Sebastian's wrist. 'I have to ... do something first.'

  'Martin,' said Robert, 'we can't wait hours for you to--'

  'Here, Martin,' said Julia, suddenly at his side, 'I'll do it for you, okay? You stay here and just tell me what to do, yeah?' She leaned over and put her ear next to Martin's mouth, expectantly.

  Martin hesitated. Is it all right if she does it instead of me? He tried to consult the inner feeling that arbitrated these things. It was mute. At last he whispered to Julia, and she nodded. 'Out loud?' Julia asked.

  'No, but stand where I can see you.'

  Sebastian said, 'Let's try to make you comfortable.' He and Robert rearranged Martin so he was leaning back in his chair with his head supported by telephone directories and towels on the table. Julia stood over him with a torch, shining it down at his face. She began to count, moving her lips silently. Martin fixed his eyes on Julia's lips and prayed.

  'Open, please,' said Sebastian. 'Oh dear.'

  Martin held Julia's hand tightly while he waited for the novocaine to work; her other hand shook and the torchlight wavered across his face. Martin had a blessed sensation of pain being lifted away from him. 'Steady, please,' Sebastian said. 'I've almost got it.' The next few minutes were rather bloody. Martin closed his eyes. There was a dull crack, and then some probing. 'That's it, then,' Sebastian said, sounding surprised. Martin smelled clove oil and alcohol. Sebastian packed cotton into the empty gum space. 'Bite down, please, gently.' Martin opened his eyes.

  'All done,' said Sebastian, beaming. Martin sat up. The tooth lay in the bowl, brownish-grey and bloody-rooted and very much smaller than he'd imagined it. Julia was still counting and Martin put up his hand to tell her she could stop. 'Eight hundred and twenty-two,' she said.

  'Is that all?' Martin tried to ask her, but his face was numb and she didn't understand him. The pain was gone, leaving a vacancy where there would be different pain when the anaesthetic wore off. 'You're a genius,' he mumbled to Sebastian.

  'Not at all,' Sebastian said, but he looked relieved. 'Anyone can extract a tooth. I'm glad it came out in one piece though - it looks awfully fragile.'

  'If we'd had proper facilities, could it have been saved?' Robert asked.

  'No ... but we would have known that before taking it out, instead of afterwards.' Sebastian began to wash up. Julia helped him. He packed his satchel and shook hands with Martin, who tried to pay him for his services. 'Certainly not, glad to help. You mustn't smoke for a couple of days, and keep ice on it, please. I have to run now - I was in the middle of something when Robert rang me.'

  Robert saw Sebastian out. When he returned Martin said, 'What was he doing when you called him?' Martin imagined Sebastian leaning over an inert form on a steel table, wielding those shiny instruments ...

  'He was having tea at the Wolseley with a very lovely woman. She's been waiting in my flat while Sebastian worked on your tooth. That's one of the reasons it took me so long to bring him. That, and we had a hard time acquiring the novocaine. Which reminds me, we need to somehow get you antibiotics.'

  Martin put his fingers to his cheek. 'Thank you. Thank you, both. All three of you.' He looked up at Robert
. 'Must send him a bottle of whisky. And one for you too.' Martin smiled lopsidedly at Julia. 'You too?'

  She smiled back. 'No, thanks. It tastes like medicine.'

  Martin said, 'That reminds me, Nurse; I should take my vitamins.'

  Julia looked embarrassed. 'It's not time yet.'

  'I know, but I'm tired and I'm going to bed early. So be a darling ...'

  'Okay,' Julia said. She went off to get the pills.

  Robert said, 'What was that about?'

  'Oh,' said Martin, 'she's been feeding me Anafranil. She's pretending it's vitamins, and I'm pretending I believe her.'

  Robert laughed. 'In my next life I'm coming back as a pretty girl. That's so typical - you wouldn't do it for Marijke, you wouldn't even listen to me banging on about it, but for Julia you're a model patient.' Robert filled the electric kettle and flicked the switch. 'Can you eat something?'

  'I suppose I ought to.' Martin watched Robert setting out the tea things. 'Really, though, I am taking it for Marijke.'

  'Are you? Have you told her?'

  'Not yet. I thought I might surprise her one of these days.' Martin touched his cheek again; he could feel it swelling. He stood up slowly and retrieved the bag of peas from the freezer. Robert took the bag from him and wrapped it in a tea towel. Martin held it against his cheek, thinking of Marijke. He wanted to call her and tell her everything was all right, but he didn't want Robert listening. Martin frowned and said, 'Did Sebastian say I'm not to smoke?'

  Julia came into the kitchen and looked at Robert. Are you still here? Robert said, 'You can't smoke or use a drinking straw because the extraction has to scab over and sucking might dislodge the scab.'

  Martin said, 'Oh,' so dismally that Robert and Julia both laughed. Robert said, 'What's Valentina up to?' and Julia mimed a hand writing on invisible paper. 'Really?' said Robert. 'Do you think she'd mind if I popped in?'

  'I don't know,' said Julia. 'I don't think she wanted me around. But go ahead. I'll make the tea.'

  Robert said to Martin, 'Just call if you need anything.'

  Martin said, 'I'm fine now. Thank you again; that was ... miraculous.'

  'It was, wasn't it?' Robert said, and went off feeling pleased with himself.

  Julia made tea and then poked around in the cabinets and refrigerator for possible dinner ingredients. She held up a tin of chicken noodle soup, and Martin said, 'Yes, please.' His stomach growled. He said, 'Your sister likes to write?'

  Julia hesitated. Elspeth had told them not to tell anyone, and they hadn't. She had been tempted to tell Martin, but something always held her back; she was afraid he would think her a liar. 'Yeah,' she replied. 'Just, you know, email, not real writing.' She gave Martin a mug of tea and opened the tin of soup. Martin put the frozen peas on the table and wrapped his hands around the mug, waiting for the tea to cool. The novocaine was wearing off. He hated the rubber-lips sensation it gave, but the in-between pain/not pain was worrying too.