“No, Deacon. I’m leaving because you find this funny—that our privacy doesn’t really matter to you. I’m also leaving because you reamed me a new asshole earlier for feeling sorry for that poor little baby.”
Remaining silent, I didn’t try to convince her to stay as I followed her out of the room. I watched as she slipped on her shoes.
She threw her coat over her shoulders dramatically. “Call me when you’re ready to stop laughing at me or reprimanding me.” She slammed the door behind her.
I was a dick, because as upset as she was, it didn’t really faze me. In fact, her leaving was a relief. Continuing to see Kendra had been more about trying to move on from Carys than anything else. Kendra was merely a distraction, and she deserved more than that. So let her be mad, and let her find someone else to spend her time with.
I had bigger fish to fry tonight. I really wanted to go next door to see if Carys needed anything. Sunny was still crying, and when I heard the Bee Gees playing and realized that hadn’t calmed her down, I decided that was my cue.
My heart raced as I went next door. I’d use returning the binky as my official excuse.
When she opened, I couldn’t believe what I saw. I had expected Carys to look flustered or disheveled after Sunny’s meltdown. Instead, she wore a black sequin dress and looked like a million bucks.
She’s going out?
Carys was out of breath as she stood there, holding a crying Sunny. “What’s up?” she asked.
“Are you heading out?”
Instead of answering my question, she blew air up toward her forehead. “What do you want, Deacon?”
Nice to see you, too.
I held up the pacifier and wiggled it between my fingers. “I wanted to return this. Found it on my floor. I probably should’ve washed it but figured you’d throw it in the dishwasher. Not sure of the proper way to sanitize these things.”
She nodded once. The fact that she was still cold toward me wasn’t a surprise. I knew seeing me with Kendra the other day must have sucked. But the fact of the matter? That was exactly what I was aiming for. I was trying to get over Carys and hoping she’d see things were “back to normal,” back to the way they were before I’d royally fucked up.
Sunny kicked her legs, seeming to want out of Carys’s arms.
I reached out. “May I?”
Carys looked down at Sunny, then back at me, as if accepting my offer wasn’t an easy decision. But eventually, she handed Sunny over.
After a couple of minutes in my arms, Sunny’s wailing had reduced to quiet sniffles.
Bopping her up and down, I asked, “What happened to the Bee Gees? I heard the music earlier. They didn’t help much this time, huh?”
“No. I guess they’ve run their course…like a lot of things.”
Ouch. I pretended that went over my head. “That sucks. We’ll have to find something else.”
A few seconds of awkward silence passed. “Why did you really come over here?” she asked. “I doubt it was to return this dusty binky.”
I looked down at Sunny to gather my thoughts. “I wanted to check in on you, see how you’re doing. It’s been a while.”
“Well, at the moment, not good, Deacon. Because I’m supposed to be attending an important event for work tonight, and Sharon had to cancel.”
Shit. “Why didn’t you call me?” I asked without thinking.
“Do you really not know the answer to that?”
Of course, that was a dumb question. “What time are you supposed to be there?”
“I was supposed to be there fifteen minutes ago.”
I waved my hand. “Go. I’ll watch her.”
She shook her head. “I can’t let you do that.”
“Carys…I know I fucked up our friendship. And I’m sorry. But I still care about you. And I don’t want you to miss this thing if it’s important. So maybe just take me up on my offer so you don’t have to piss off your boss. Then you can process it later. We’ll talk when you get back.” When she didn’t say anything, I pushed. “You need that job. Now’s not the time for pride.”
She sighed. “I don’t know…”
“Look how calm Sunny is right now. It’ll be fine. We’ll be fine.”
We’ll be fine.
Sunny and me? Yes.
You and me? Not so sure.
Blinking several times, she finally conceded. “Okay.”
“Good,” I said. “Now go, so you don’t miss too much.”
Carys rushed around in search of her things, grabbing her purse and a quick glass of water. She wore high, red-bottomed heels. Fuck, her legs looked good in those shoes. My mouth watered as I admired the curve of her little, round ass in that dress. Then jealousy set in at the thought of men ogling her tonight.
Kissing Sunny on the head, she said, “Be a good girl.”
I took a deep breath of her scent for the few seconds she was close.
She finally looked up at me. “I won’t be back too late.”
“Take as long as you need.”
Another whiff of her perfume hit me as she blew out the door.
After she was gone, I looked down at Sunny.
“We got this, right? No surprises tonight.” I put my forehead against hers. “And you know what that means.”
When she smiled, it reminded me how much I’d missed her pure, non-judgmental sweetness. No one ever looked at me like Sunny Kincaid did. And I didn’t deserve a shred of it. I wished I could warn her not to get too attached to the man next door. I’d only end up disappointing her, like I had so many other people who’d trusted me.
Wandering the room with her in my arms, I spoke in a low voice. “Do you ever wonder who the hell I am? I’m not even sure I formally introduced myself, Sunny. You probably just look at me as the weird, big guy who comes over sometimes and holds you.” I smiled. “Anyway…I’m Deacon. Can you say Deacon?” I pointed to my chest. “Deacon.”
She cooed.
Sunny actually let me put her down on the playmat, which surprised me.
I spent the better part of the next hour sitting on the couch while I watched her play on the floor. “Deacon,” I kept repeating, to see if by some chance she’d try to say my name. I’d pretty much given up when I heard her say what sounded like…dick.
Then she repeated, “Deek.”
I cracked up. “That’s right!”
She’d babbled many different sounds tonight, and it could have been a coincidence, but I had myself convinced she was trying to say Deacon. Or maybe Dick was a more accurate description of me lately. Either way, it worked for me. Deacon or Dick. Tomato, Tomahto. I’d take any D sound she wanted to give me.
A knock at the door interrupted my little celebration. I assumed it might have been Carys returning early, though that didn’t make sense.
After I opened, I regretted not checking the peephole first, because it was a man I didn’t recognize. He wore a black tuxedo and looked to be in his late thirties.
“Who are you?” he asked.
My body went rigid. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that question?”
“I’m Charles, Sunny’s father.”
What the fuck? Gritting my teeth, I clenched my fists. “Does Carys know you’re here?”
When he didn’t immediately respond, I knew the answer was no.
This guy wasn’t exactly what I’d pictured. He was average-looking, with blond hair and shorter than I’d imagined. Basically, Carys could have done a lot better.
“Let me guess… You expected to find some vulnerable, old woman watching the baby so you could weasel your way in here while Carys was out?”
When he took a few steps forward, I held out my hand. “No. Stay back. I’m not letting you in.”
He let out a frustrated breath. “Look, man to man, I just want to see my daughter for a few minutes.”
“Man to man?” I scoffed. “A real man wouldn’t have to sneak over to see his daughter, because he’d be in her life already.”
He tried to look beyond my shoulders, but I adjusted my body so he couldn’t see past me.
I crossed my arms. “Well, it’s not gonna happen—not without Carys’s permission.”
He grimaced. “Who did you say you were?”
“The name’s Dick. And I suggest you leave before I show you exactly why they call me that.”
He let out a frustrated breath, huffed, and made his way back down the hall.
After he was out of sight, I shut the door, locked it, and went over to where Sunny was still playing on the floor.
I lifted her up and held her for a while, feeling protective. It angered me that Carys’s ex tried to pull that shit, and now I’d have to tell her.
Sunny stared up at me, this time not smiling as she normally did. Maybe she sensed I was pissed.
“You deserve better than that dude. I’m sorry you have a crappy dad. But your mom makes up for it.”
I walked over to the window with her, and we looked out at the traffic below. “Can I tell you a secret, Sunny?” After pausing for her response, I said, “Okay. I’m gonna tell you anyway.” I looked at her. “I really screwed up with your mother. You got any tips for how I can make it right?”
A few seconds later, I felt a vibration from her bottom.
Well, I guess that’s my answer.
CHAPTER 15
Carys
SUCK IT UP
I ended up leaving the gala early. I couldn’t relax knowing Deacon was stuck taking care of Sunny. Maybe if things had been different between us, I would’ve been more comfortable with the situation.
And when Charles showed up, I knew that was my signal to leave. I wasn’t surprised to see him—it was an industry event—but that didn’t make having to deal with him any easier. I managed to avoid him while doing the remainder of my obligatory schmoozing. Then I told Cynthia I needed to leave. She seemed fine with it, since I had shown my face for a while.
It was eleven when I walked into my apartment. I was surprised to see Sunny not in her crib, but lying on her stomach atop Deacon’s chest. Both of them were asleep on the couch. I stopped for a moment to take in the sight, which tugged at my heart in a bittersweet way.
Why do you have to be so sweet and such an asshole at the same time, Deacon?
I tiptoed over to them and slowly worked to remove her from his grasp.
Deacon’s eyes blinked open. “Hey. Did you just get in?” he whispered groggily.
“Yes. Gonna put her to bed. Be right back.”
I placed Sunny in the crib and waited to make sure she didn’t wake up. After confirming she was asleep, I returned to living room. Deacon was now standing, his thick, copper hair a tousled mess. He slid his hands into his pockets, seeming tense.
“There’s something I have to tell you,” he said.
My heart sank. “Did something happen?”
“Your ex came by tonight. He knew you were out. He tried to take advantage and see Sunny.”
“Oh my God. What?” My heart began to race. “He knew I was at the arts gala. He showed up late. Now it makes sense why. I can’t believe he’d do that.”
“I wanted to punch him, but instead I scared him away. He definitely wasn’t expecting to find me here.”
“No. I’m sure he wasn’t.” I clutched my chest.
“I don’t mean to upset you, but obviously I had to tell you.”
“Thank you for handling that.”
“Sunny was on her playmat when he came by. I don’t think she sensed the drama. Has he ever pulled anything like this before?”
I shook my head. “No, but he called me the other night, out of the blue, asking if he could visit her. I told him I had to think about it. Apparently, that answer wasn’t good enough.”
“Why does he want to see her all of a sudden?”
“I haven’t figured out if his intentions are genuine, or if there’s something more to it. He mentioned that he’s having problems with his wife.”
Deacon pursed his lips. “You think he’s trying to use Sunny to get back together with you?”
“I don’t think so. I just think his ex was the driving force in his staying away from Sunny all this time. And now that they’re having trouble, he probably sees it as an opportunity to do something he should’ve done a long time ago. Maybe he has a heart in there somewhere and feels guilty.”
Deacon’s eyes narrowed. “You won’t ever trust him again, will you? After all the shit he’s put you through? Tell me you won’t let him into your life again.”
“Not romantically.” I exhaled. “While I don’t like what he tried to pull tonight, I’ve been torn ever since he called. Sunny deserves to know who her father is and see him, even if he’s not worthy of her love. I hadn’t decided what to do, but him showing up like that certainly doesn’t help his case.” I sighed. “Thank you again for protecting Sunny.”
“There was no way I would’ve let him near her.”
Closing my eyes, I let out a breath and fell back onto the couch. “Charles was the second man I ever trusted. And both of them let me down.”
“Your father was the first.” He guessed correctly.
I nodded.
As Deacon took a seat across the sofa, it hit me how much I’d missed talking to him. I needed to repair our friendship, so I opened up a little. “You wanna know the weird part? My mother had gotten involved with an older guy, too, when she was around my age. That was my dad. He also left Mom to go back to his wife. How freaky is that?”
“No shit?”
“Yup. Talk about history repeating itself. Except unlike my situation with Charles, my father was still with his wife when he started dating my mother. He had three kids. It’s a very similar scenario, though Charles has two kids and not three.”
“Have you ever met your father’s other kids?”
“No.”
He’d touched upon a sore subject. My dad had come around a tiny bit when I was little, but by the time I was old enough to remember anything, he was gone. He lived in Delaware, and his children were in the same area. No one ever reached out to me, though I did find out through a mutual friend that my father ended up telling his kids about me. It is what it is. But I wanted better for Sunny. I just didn’t know what that was as it related to Charles.
“You said you have a brother,” Deacon said. “Different fathers?”
I nodded. “My mother married my stepfather a few years after I was born. He’s my brother Aaron’s biological dad. Then they got divorced, and I never saw him much after, either. Nice family life, huh?”
“Everybody’s got their shit, Carys.” He placed his arm over the top of the couch and settled into his seat. “My parents have a pretty good relationship on the surface, but my father’s focus was always his football-coaching career and not their marriage. I know he and my mom have had their share of troubles over the years. Pretty sure there was some infidelity on his part that he never owned up to. No family is perfect. But I do realize how lucky I was to grow up with two parents when so many people don’t.”
“Yeah, and neither will Sunny.”
His eyes softened. “Sunny has an amazing mom. I know you’ll make sure she doesn’t want for anything, least of all love and security.” He looked down at his shoes for a moment. Then his eyes met mine. “I’m sorry I’ve acted like an ass.”
Shaking my head, I said, “It’s okay, Deacon.”
“No, it’s not. I took the cowardly way out when I stopped coming around instead of addressing things with you. Sunny called me a dick tonight, and she’s right.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “What?”
He shrugged. “I was trying to teach her to say Deacon. It came out ‘Deek’. Sounded like ‘Dick’.” He sighed. “Anyway...she’s right. I have been an absolute dick, Car
ys, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Maybe a little,” I agreed. “But deep down, I understand, Deacon. I take responsibility for what happened between us that night, too. I was…horny. We’d both had a little too much to drink and got carried away. And now you don’t know how to handle the tension. Because you don’t think we can be anything more than friends. You can’t ever…go there with me. I get it.”
He looked torn. “I feel like you think I’ve shied away because I don’t want you enough to accept your situation. That’s not it. I’ve been struggling with my feelings when it comes to you for a while—long before that night. This has nothing to do with not wanting you. It has everything to do with not being good for you long term, certainly not good enough for Sunny. I haven’t held onto a normal relationship since God knows when, and I’ve hurt people I cared about in the past. I don’t want to end up hurting you or Sunny down the line—especially Sunny.”
As much as I admired his honesty, it still hurt to hear him confirm what I already knew. There was no chance for us.
“I get it.” I sighed. Who was I to convince him to trust himself? I didn’t trust anyone.
Then he continued. “I pretended to make what happened on your birthday night mostly about you, but I wanted it more than you could ever know. And I wanted more than that, too. I just wouldn’t let myself take it. I don’t want to hurt you, Carys. You’re one of the best people I know and a good friend, and I crossed the line. But it’s too late. I can’t take it back. I know I ruined our friendship in the process, regardless of what you say.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “You did kind of ruin our friendship as we knew it. Not because I’m mad at you or respect you less, but because I can’t stop thinking about what that night felt like or how jealous I was when I saw you with Kendra. I can’t control my feelings. As much as I don’t want things to be awkward between us, they are now.”
“Yeah. Don’t I know it.” He exhaled. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. And I don’t want to hurt you. So tell me what I should do.”
There was only one way to handle it, short of one of us moving.
“I think we have to be adults about it. We need to accept that things might be a little awkward between us and let them be awkward. It’s either that or never see each other again. I’d personally rather know that I can go to you if I need you. If that means dealing with a bit of uncomfortable sexual tension, so be it. I want to have coffee with you and be able to talk about my day. I don’t want to lose you, Deacon. So I think that means we only have one choice. And that’s to suck it up.”
The Anti-Boyfriend Page 13