He stared into my eyes for a while. “I don’t want it to be the end of us, either. I really don’t. I value your friendship so much.”
“It’s settled, then. We just deal.”
His mouth curved into a smile. “You may be younger than me, but you’re a fuck of a lot more mature, you know that?”
“Well, I guess I’ve had to grow up fast.”
“Yeah. You have.”
I stood, prompting him to do the same. “Thank you again for tonight,” I said.
“Anytime, Carys.”
I closed the door behind him and knew it would be a long time before I fell asleep.
CHAPTER 16
Carys
BLINDSIDED
Six Months Later
A lot had changed over the past several months, and it was more than the weather transforming from frigid to hot in the city.
It was now July, and I had a fifteen-month-old who was attempting to walk, albeit unsuccessfully thus far. The months were flying by. It seemed like yesterday that she’d turned one. When Sunny had marked that milestone in April, I’d had a small party for her at the apartment with a few friends from our Mommy and Me class. Simone had been there, too, and, of course, Deacon. Charles, on the other hand, hadn’t been invited. He continued to call occasionally, and had apologized multiple times for coming by without permission earlier this year, but I still hadn’t warmed to the idea of having him around Sunny. However, I suspected one day I would.
My feelings for Deacon had been put to the test more than ever. Kendra was a thing of the past, but he’d begun dating someone new in May—Rachel. She had long, dark hair and big green eyes and worked behind the scenes for a modeling agency. She was gorgeous, and I hated her. He’d been open about her from the beginning, never tried to hide it, but it still sucked. The whole thing sucked. I wasn’t sure how serious they were, but his meeting her had been the final nail in the coffin of my heart.
If Deacon and I were going to be friends, I had to accept everything—as did he when I’d decided to put myself out there in the dating world last month. I’d informed Deacon that Sharon was coming over in the evening to watch Sunny while I went on my first official date in ages. That’d been an awkward conversation. I could’ve sworn Deacon seemed jealous. He’d wanted to know the guy’s name so he could do a background check.
Sean Colmes was the man I’d met online, and Deacon had dubbed him “P-Diddy” because he had the same name as the singer, only spelled differently. Anyway, the date didn’t amount to anything—he didn’t knock my socks off. I hadn’t been on a date since then, but it had felt good to return to the dating scene. Lord knows I needed the practice.
Deacon still brought me coffee almost daily. He didn’t talk much about Rachel, which I appreciated. On the outside, it seemed our friendship had survived the blip of my birthday night last January. So it was important that I not let on that my feelings for him had only grown. I wanted Deacon more than ever. Whenever Rachel was over at his apartment, I was a mess.
A mess.
I’d thought my complicated feelings were my biggest problem when it came to him. That is, until one afternoon when he stopped by with his usual coffees. The unusually somber look on his face told me something was up.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“You could tell, huh?”
“Yeah. I know your face pretty well. The smile’s not here today. Did something happen? Is everything okay with your family?”
“It’s nothing like that. Everyone is okay.” He handed me my coffee. “Let me say hi to Sunny Side Up first. Then we’ll talk.”
Deacon walked over to Sunny’s swing and seemed to take a much longer time than usual rubbing her head and whispering gibberish.
An ominous feeling came over me. “What’s going on, Deacon?”
He stood up. “I have some news.”
My heartbeat accelerated. “Okay...”
“I got a promotion.”
My first reaction was…confusion. “That’s great. That’s good, right?”
“Yeah. It pays almost double. Which is nuts.”
“Oh my gosh, wow.”
“The only problem is...the new position requires me to work out of the Tokyo office. I’d have to move there.”
“Oh.” My heart sank.
He swallowed. “It’s a different role, a managerial position with less design work. So it’s not remote. I’d have to report to the office every day because I’d be training people on our software. And I’d still be designing my old series on top of that. So it’s more work, but a big opportunity.”
It took what felt like forever to form a response. Despite all the complex emotions I’d felt toward this man—jealousy, longing, frustration—nothing felt as horrible as the thought of him disappearing from my life.
“Wow...I don’t know what to say, Deacon.”
He let out a long sigh. “I’m having my doubts about whether to take it. It sucks, right? That something good happens and there’s such a price to pay. I love my life here, and I don’t want to leave.”
Fighting off tears, I said, “I don’t want you to leave, either. You’re like...family.”
“I know. I feel like that about you guys, too. You have no idea how much I want to stay. But…at the same time, I’m torn. This opportunity could lead to better things, even if I just stick it out for a year and come back.”
The words come back gave me some hope. But who was I kidding? If Deacon left for a year, things would never be the same again.
But I steeled myself to be the best friend I could be. “This sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, right? I mean...you can’t turn it down?”
He seemed to think long and hard before he answered. “Probably not.” He nodded. “I probably should take it.”
“Well, then, you have your answer.”
He stared down at the floor and muttered, “Fuck.”
My emotions soon transformed from shock to heartbreak. Not only had he been offered a position across the world, he was taking it.
Deacon’s leaving.
There would be no more daily conversations. No more coffees. No more security of knowing he was just next door if I needed him. No more hope that one day he’d come to his senses and lose control again with me—and choose to never let me go this time. All hope was gone now.
“How long have you known this would be a possibility?”
“About a month. I threw my hat into the ring, but I didn’t think I’d get it. That’s why I didn’t mention it.”
I stared into space and nodded in an attempt to let it sink in.
“You okay?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Not really. But I’ll have to be.” I continued to fight like hell against the tears forming in my eyes. “I’m gonna miss you.”
“I’m gonna miss you, too.” He frowned. “I actually found out I got the job yesterday, but I didn’t know how to tell you. I slept like shit last night. There was just no good way to break this news.”
I knew he meant it when he said he was going to miss me. The way he was looking at me, deep into my eyes, gave me chills.
“When will you move?”
“They told me I’d have to start in about a month. I have to see if the landlord will let me out of my lease.”
Despite feeling hopeless, I tried to feign optimism. “So we still have a little time, yeah?”
“Yeah,” he muttered.
Unexpectedly, Deacon leaned in and pulled me into a hug. Many seconds passed where he just held me. I let out a long breath of frustration into his chest. I could feel his heart beating in my ear, and I wondered if he could feel my heart breaking.
* * *
The two-and-a-half weeks that followed Deacon’s announcement went by way too fast.
He managed to get out of his lease and began packing up his things, a little each day. The landlord told him he could leave his furniture for the next tenant, so Deacon didn’t have to worry about cleaning
the place out. He was glad not to have to figure out how to get his stuff out of there.
Each day he’d bring by coffee, and we’d pretend things were normal, even though it was the opposite. Each day felt more somber than the last.
On his second-to-last weekend in New York, we decided to do something we’d never done together: take a little trip out of the city. Since Sunny hadn’t been to the beach before, and the weather was supposed to be hot, we rented a car and planned a drive out to the Hamptons. Getting out of the usual environment would be one way to distract from what was happening. Or one way to say goodbye, however you looked at it.
Deacon’s friend Adrian’s family owned a small house in Easthampton and offered it to him free of charge. The plan was to head out on Saturday morning and spend the night there before returning on Sunday. It would be bittersweet to spend time with Deacon like this, knowing soon I might never see him again. At the same time, that was exactly why I’d taken him up on the offer of this trip.
I’d tasked him with going to the store to buy some beach supplies.
A text came in while he was out.
Deacon: What’s the difference between a swim diaper and a regular diaper?
Oh boy. Here we go.
Carys: Regular diapers become too heavy, super saggy, and fall off when they’re wet.
Deacon: Man, that sucks.
Carys: Yep. So the swim diapers don’t do that.
Deacon: What do they do, then?
Carys: I’ve never really thought about it, but basically they don’t absorb.
Deacon: So what good are they? Sounds like a false sense of security.
Carys: I guess the pee just goes in the water. LOL
Deacon: What a waste. Why not have her free-ball it?
Carys: Well, for one, she doesn’t have balls.
Deacon: Let her go commando.
Carys: The diaper will protect her bathing suit.
Deacon: Okay. There are three types of swim “diapers.”
I was cracking up.
Carys: Any kind is okay.
Deacon: How do you reuse a swim diaper? This one here says reusable. Why would someone want to do that?
Carys: You could take it home and wash it.
Deacon: Three hours after it bakes in the sun at the beach? Seems like a lot of trouble. And what if she had a big explosion?
Carys: Then you’d probably throw it away.
Deacon: So it’s really disposable.
Carys: Right. LOL. Get the disposable.
Deacon: The only swim diapers in her size are blue ones with boy stuff on them.
Carys: She’ll live.
Deacon: Wait! Score! Got one in the back with flowers.
Carys: They’re all going to the same place ultimately. But that’s cool.
Deacon: I’m getting a bunch of buckets and shovels.
Carys: We don’t need more than one of each. It’s just her.
Deacon: And me. And you. We need buckets, Carys. And shovels.
Carys: Ok. LOL
Deacon: What about this hat?
He sent a photo of something that looked like a pink bonnet.
Carys: For who? My grandmother?
Deacon: For Sunny.
Carys: That’s for a woman, isn’t it?
Deacon: I don’t know. Maybe?
Carys: Pretty sure that would eat up her whole head. Anyway, I’ve got a hat for her.
Then he sent a photo of himself wearing the bonnet. It swallowed his head.
Deacon: You’re right. Okay…moving on. Sunscreen.
Carys: Just get the highest SPF. One of the baby kinds with gentler ingredients.
He sent a photo of a tube of sunblock.
Deacon: This one is the best.
Carys: How do you know?
Deacon: Consumer Reports.
Carys: You’re checking Consumer Reports?
Deacon: Yeah.
That was adorable.
Carys: Thank you. Get that one.
Deacon: Does she have shades? You didn’t put them on the list.
Carys: No. But that might be a good idea.
Deacon: Got some little ones! Heading back now.
Carys: Okay :)
My smile faded. I’m going to miss this.
My heart felt like it was being choked. I kept staring at the phone as a tear fell down my cheek.
CHAPTER 17
Deacon
PSEUDO-FAMILY
After double parking the rental car outside our apartment building, I put my hazards on and ran upstairs to help Carys bring down our stuff.
“You ready to go?”
“Yeah,” she said, carrying Sunny, who already had on her sunhat.
I nudged on the hat. “She looks so cute in that.”
“Yeah, well, though her name might imply she likes the sun, her fair skin certainly doesn’t.”
“Well, Sunny, don’t you worry because Deek bought you sunscreen.”
When my eyes moved to Carys, I saw a huge smile on her face.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing. Just happy to be spending this time with you.”
Her words hit me in the gut. She had no idea how down I’d felt all morning, though I was trying to put on a happy face. Every moment I doubted my decision to move. I hoped our trip would mean a break from the second-guessing.
The ride out to the Hamptons was long and congested—no surprise that everyone had the same idea with the weather being so nice. It had taken me a minute to figure out how to install Sunny’s car seat in the rental. It was rear-facing, but we could see her little face through a mirror Carys attached to the back of the seat. We played The Best of The Bee Gees for most of the way, which kept Sunny relatively calm. She even fell asleep at one point.
It was hard to believe I’d be leaving in little over a week. Even though I’d tied up most loose ends, mentally I was nowhere near ready to leave New York. I’d ended things with Rachel, the girl I’d been seeing—not that there was much to end. We hadn’t been dating for very long. We’d had fun together, but I knew there wasn’t a long-term future there, even if I hadn’t been leaving. Ending that hadn’t affected me in the least. Leaving Carys and Sunny, on the other hand? That wasn’t something I’d yet come to terms with. Leaving was going to have to be like ripping a Band-Aid off, because there wasn’t an easy way to say goodbye.
After the long drive, we finally pulled up to Adrian’s family’s house. It was a small cottage with two bedrooms—perfect for what we needed. Main Street was a walkable distance, and the beach only a short drive away.
Carys beamed as we walked into the bright space. “This is so amazing, Deacon. Look at all the sunlight coming in. Thank you again for inviting us.”
I carried Sunny inside. “Are you kidding? There’s no one else I would’ve rather brought with me.”
When Carys smiled, it literally hurt. I’d spent a lot of time burying my feelings for her. But doing that today felt impossible.
We set up the Pack ‘N Play in the room Carys would be sleeping in with Sunny. It wasn’t worth trying to find a crib for one night. Carys said Sunny sometimes slept in the playpen with no issues, so I hoped it worked out. Otherwise, I’d probably be the one up holding her all night. And secretly, I wouldn’t even mind, because the days of holding Sunny, being able to calm her down and make her smile, were about to be over. Soon, I’d be out of her life, and she likely wouldn’t remember me. I felt a pain in my gut, but Sunny forgetting me would be for the best, wouldn’t it? Isn’t that what I wanted?
I clapped my hands together to snap myself out of it. “You feel like hitting the beach first, or should we go grab some groceries so we don’t have to later?
“We still have a few more good hours of sunlight. I’d prefer to go to the beach when the sun isn’t as strong anyway. So maybe we hit the market first?”
“You wanna stay while I go, or do we bring her with us?”
“I’d like to go,” she said. “I want to
pick out stuff to make a nice dinner.”
We got back in the car and drove to the nearest market, which happened to be an organic grocery store about two miles from the house. Carys was like a kid in a candy store, taking her time perusing the aisles. Sunny got a little antsy, so I carried her around and tried to keep her entertained while her mom shopped. I knew it was rare that Carys got to browse the aisles alone, so I wanted her to take her time and enjoy herself.
At one point, I took a seat with Sunny at a table in the eating area of the market. Since they sold prepared foods, it was basically a restaurant.
This woman seated at the table next to us smiled over at me. But when Sunny turned toward her, the expression on the woman’s face changed. My heart sank. It was exactly that look Carys had described getting from people. It felt awful. I suspected Carys never said anything when it happened. But I couldn’t help myself.
The Anti-Boyfriend Page 14