He changed the subject to Formula One racing, and I blew out a sigh of relief.
After Adrian left, I waited in line for a latte to take back to Carys. It had only been a couple of hours since we were together, but I missed her. I realized just how strong my feelings for her had become.
When the barista grabbed a venti cup off the stack for Carys’s drink, I asked if I could borrow a Sharpie to write something on it.
My heart raced as I waited. When the barista finished steaming the milk and poured the drink, she placed a lid on the cup and turned toward me.
“Venti one-pump vanilla latte for…” She paused. “I love you, Carys?”
I lifted my hand and smiled. “That’s me.”
CHAPTER 20
Carys
TOUCHDOWN
In the two months that followed, Deacon’s and my appetite for each other remained insatiable. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced. We had sex almost every night. He’d come over after Sunny went to sleep. We’d hang out, talk, drink wine, and ultimately go at it like animals. Then he’d go back to his apartment in the morning.
Fortunately, we had a date scheduled for later this afternoon. It was a cool, crisp Saturday in September, and I couldn’t wait to go out and enjoy the fall weather once the sitter arrived. Unfortunately, I’d gotten my period, so there would be no sexy times for once.
Deacon was running errands today, so he’d agreed to go to the store for me. He was supposed to be picking up super-sized tampons, among other things.
A text came in not long after he left.
Deacon: What’s the difference between Super and Super Plus?
Carys: Super Plus is bigger, more absorbent. But I don’t really notice a difference.
Deacon: Am I…Super Plus or Super? ;-)
Carys: Definitely Super Plus.
Deacon: So, you notice the difference then…when it comes to me?
I rolled my eyes.
Carys: Oh yes.
Deacon: Damn. I’d hate to be Regular. Or worse, Light. (Shivers) That would suck.
Shopping was always an adventure with this man. Deacon stopped texting, so I assumed he’d found what he needed and left.
A few minutes later, another text came in.
Deacon: Do you think Sunny would like this?
He’d attached a picture of himself flashing a huge smile and holding a mini toy shopping cart filled with plastic fruits and vegetables.
Carys: Hard to tell. But I think it’s adorable.
Deacon: Show her the picture. See if she reacts.
I brought the phone over to where Sunny was playing. She smiled when I showed her the photo. But I suspected it wasn’t the toy.
Carys: She smiled. But I’m pretty sure she’s smiling at you. She’s just as smitten as I am.
Deacon: I fucking love you, Carys.
My heart wanted to leap out of my chest.
Carys: I fucking love you, too.
Deacon: Not to be confused with loving to fuck you…because that I certainly do as well. But I fucking love you even more than I love to fuck you.
Since the day he’d come back from Starbucks with the coffee cup that said “I love you, Carys,” our phone calls and text exchanges rarely ended without him telling me he loved me. And hearing it never got old. It had taken me probably ten minutes to notice the message written in black Sharpie that first time, but when I did, I broke out in tears. Things had only gotten better since.
Everything was perfect, aside from the fact that I still didn’t understand why Deacon was so unsure of his ability to be a good partner. His actions proved otherwise. Something was missing, but I hesitated to push him for answers because we were in a good place. Still, his warnings haunted me. I sometimes worried that one day he’d wake up, realize the responsibility he’d taken on—and bolt.
* * *
At least for now, Deacon and I were masters at making the most of our time together. As soon as the sitter arrived later that afternoon, we went next door. Whenever we had alone time, we went to his apartment to have sex to make sure we got that in. Then we’d head out, grab a bite to eat, and enjoy the city. Today, rather than sex, I used the time in his apartment to pleasure him, sucking him off while I rubbed my clit until we both came together. After we were both sated, we showered and ventured out for our date.
Deacon and I decided to go to Central Park. We took a quick train ride, and then walked the rest of the way. On our walk, Deacon stopped in front of a store. He took me by the hand and led me inside. On the shelf was a football with I Love New York emblazoned on it.
He spun it over his finger. “Would you want to toss this around with me?”
Deacon hadn’t touched a football since college. This was monumental.
“Of course I would. I’m thrilled you want to try.”
He smiled and kissed my forehead. “It’s time.”
“This will be my first time throwing a football,” I announced.
His eyebrows lifted. “Yeah?”
“I’m a complete newbie when it comes to handling any balls but yours,” I teased.
“Maybe we should keep it that way.” He winked.
When we got to the park, Deacon demonstrated everything I’d need to do, standing at my back and holding me close as he reached his arm around me. He tried to teach me the proper way to hold the ball.
“Put your middle finger right there at the top of the lacing.” He spread my fingers apart. Then he stopped to kiss my neck.
“I thought this was a football lesson.”
“Mmm. I can’t help it. Anytime I’m close to you, I need to touch you—making up for all those months I held back, I guess. Now I’m addicted to you.”
I smiled. My body was constantly aware of him, craving his touch every second we were together, so I was no less addicted. I’d never been in a relationship that was as sexually gratifying as it was emotionally satisfying. I’d thought I was in love with Charles before he burned me. But I’d never experienced anything remotely close to what I felt for Deacon. If this didn’t work out, it would be my biggest heartbreak.
Deacon took the football from me and began to demonstrate. “When you throw the ball, it’s going to roll off your fingers like this, so you get a spinning motion.”
The few times I tried to replicate his technique were a disaster.
“Come here,” he said. “Let me show you how to position yourself to throw.” He stood behind me again, the closeness of his body warming mine. He pushed his hand between my legs from behind to separate them. The heat of his touch made my body ache for more. “You’re gonna place your feet about shoulder-width apart, like this.” His hand landed on my ass as he pushed down on me. “Bend your knees a little.” Then his hands slid to just above my hips. “Don’t move your legs, but move your torso from side to side and rotate your shoulders.” He wrapped his hands around me and used them to gently twist my body. “See that? That’s how you’re gonna move when you throw the ball.”
“Except your erection won’t be pressing against my ass, like it is now?” I laughed.
“If you want, we can make that work, too.” He kissed the back of my neck. “I didn’t get to fuck you today, so I’m especially worked up. Don’t mind me.”
“Oh, I don’t mind at all.”
Deacon eventually pulled himself away from me. We tossed the ball back and forth, and my heart burst with joy to see the smile on his face as he threw to me. Whenever I caught the ball, he cheered.
Finally, he tackled me to the ground and kissed my neck as we lay on the grass; that marked the end of our game. If people gave us looks, I was oblivious.
“You look especially beautiful today,” he said. “Maybe because you seemed so happy when we were playing, and it brought out your natural beauty.”
I cupped his gorgeous face. “Happiness is beautiful, isn’t it?”
“You have so much on your plate that I sometimes forget how young you are. Today you’re that young, carefree
girl.”
“I’m so happy we did this.”
“Baby steps, right?” He grinned. “I would never have considered touching a football if you weren’t with me. I always tell you this, but I will say it again… You inspire me, motivate me to want to be stronger. I feel like that more than ever now, like I need to be strong for you—and for Sunny.”
Was he warming to the idea of being a father to my daughter? He’d told me he didn’t want kids. I refused to get my hopes up, instead vowing to enjoy each day as it came. But I was curious about something else.
“Have you told your family about me?”
He blinked a few times, seeming surprised by my question. “My mother knows about you. I’m sure she filled my father in, although I haven’t told him directly.”
“Did you tell her about Sunny, that I have a child?” I braced for the answer.
“Yes. Of course. I wouldn’t hide that.”
As much as his assurance made me feel better, there was an air of discomfort to this conversation. “How did your mother feel about you dating someone with a child?”
“She just wants me happy. That’s all she’s ever wanted. My father is more of a critical person in general, and I’m sure he’d find some reason to second-guess any decision I make. He’s a contrarian by nature. That’s why I don’t open up to him.”
“What about your brother? Do you talk to him much?”
“My relationship with Alex is better now than it used to be. I was unfairly resentful toward him for many years. When I graduated from college, he was just starting his college football career, and as proud of him as I was, I wasn’t in a mental place that I could be a part of his life—it meant having to face that world I’d lost. I handled it poorly.”
“What’s he doing now?”
“He works for a financial advisory firm in Minneapolis. We talk on the phone from time to time, but I haven’t spoken to him since you and I got together. I messed up that relationship, so it’s my job to mend it. I know that’s something I need to work on.”
“When will you get to see your family again?”
“I’m supposed to go home for Christmas.”
“Oh.” That meant he wouldn’t be here with us for the holidays.
“But those plans were made before we got together,” he clarified. “I’d like to spend Christmas with you.”
I smiled. “I’m sure your family will want to see you, but I’d love to spend the holidays with you, too.”
“Maybe I’ll go home for a few days and come back on Christmas Eve or something. We can work it out.” Deacon turned the tables. “What about your family? You don’t talk much about your mom or brother. You don’t see them over the holidays?”
“My mother comes to the city about every other year. I haven’t seen her since last Christmas. This year, she’s going to the Caribbean with her boyfriend for the holidays. My brother, Aaron, is a photographer for a travel blog. He’s in Prague right now, and I don’t think he has plans to come back to the States this year. And that’s it. That’s the extent of my family. I love them, but we don’t see each other nearly as often as I wish we would.”
“I’m surprised your mother doesn’t want to see her granddaughter more.”
I shrugged. I couldn’t disagree. “My mother’s always been a little distant. It’s just the way she is. She visited when Sunny was born and then last Christmas, but hasn’t come to see us since.”
I wanted to tell Deacon he felt more like family to me than my actual kin, but that might have been too much to admit. I was always wary about saying things that might make him feel obligated. I wanted him to be the first to come to certain conclusions about us. He certainly told me he loved me enough; I just hoped his love didn’t have an expiration date.
“Well, your mother doesn’t know what she’s missing with her granddaughter.” His smile held a sad undertone. “Speaking of Sunny, do you think she’s old enough to appreciate going to a farm?”
“Like with animals?”
“Yup. This guy I work with, his family owns a farm upstate. It’s the type of place people pay to visit. I checked out their website. They have animals you can pet and a gift shop. You think she’d enjoy something like that?”
“Heck, if she didn’t, I’d definitely enjoy it. But yeah, I think she would. She lights up whenever we take her for walks and she sees a dog.”
“We should plan to go then. Maybe next weekend, if the weather is nice.”
“That sounds great.” I looked at the time. “We’d better get going. The sitter has to leave in a half-hour.”
“Shit. Okay.” He stood and reached out to pull me up. “This time always goes by so fast.”
“It does. And I appreciate you insisting we do it every week. It’s important to have this time together.”
I looked a bit sheepish. “I can’t help needing you all to myself sometimes.”
We got coffees from a truck on the walk back to the subway. Even that felt like a luxury when it was just the two of us. Slowly, I felt like I was coming back to myself, to the person I’d been before having Sunny. I loved being a mother, but until I started taking time for myself, I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed certain aspects of my life. Now it seemed I had it all.
Was it that I’d found myself again, or was it that Deacon made me feel complete?
CHAPTER 21
Deacon
LAST WORDS
I’d rented a car for the ninety-minute drive north to Poughkeepsie, and it had been a smooth ride with no traffic. This had definitely been a good idea. I now held Sunny up as she sat atop one of the ponies at Archwood Farms. She was always a happy child, but the ponies brought out a level of excitement I’d never witnessed before.
After the pony ride, I went to fetch Carys and me a couple of coffees from the small concession building, while she took Sunny to a grassy area with a bunch of pumpkins laid out. Sunny was now walking independently. While a little wobbly, she was fully mobile.
After I ordered our drinks, the woman I knew to be one of the owners of the farm smiled at me. “Your daughter looked like she was having so much fun out there. I’m so glad you guys could come up north today.”
We’d spoken to her briefly when we first arrived, but I didn’t realize she’d assumed I was Sunny’s father. I opened my mouth to correct her, but what came out was, “Thank you. Yeah…this was well worth the trip.” Was I actually entertaining the thought of a life with Sunny?
“You know,” she said. “We have something here called equine therapy. It’s designed for kids with special needs. She’s a little too small now, but it might be something to consider for the future.”
“What does it do?” I asked.
“Well, there are many physical and cognitive benefits to horseback riding. On the physical side, it can help improve balance and coordination and gross motor skills, among other things. And cognitively, it can help improve attention, communication, and spatial awareness. Not to mention all of the social and emotional benefits.”
“Do you have any information you can send me home with?”
“Sure do.” She reached into a drawer and took out a pamphlet for me.
“Thanks. I appreciate it.” Excited to tell Carys, I placed it in my back pocket.
As I waited for her to prepare the coffees—one cream and one sugar each—I realized that if a stranger had assumed I was Sunny’s father, Sunny had probably concluded that too. Does Sunny think I’m her dad? Technically, I was the only man she’d ever known. How did I feel about that? Right now I didn’t want to put a label on anything beyond my relationship with Carys. She was my girlfriend. I’d made that clear to her repeatedly. But her daughter didn’t have a designation, aside from being special to me. Spending time with Sunny made me genuinely happy; making her smile was one of the highlights of my life. Though it was hard to admit, I knew I did love Sunny. But that came with things I’d sworn I’d never have—and didn’t deserve to have. One day at a time.
“Can I also have one of these, too?” I asked, pointing to the pink cake pops.
“Of course.”
After I paid and returned outside, I located Carys and Sunny walking in my direction. They hadn’t noticed me yet, so I took a moment to appreciate the beautiful woman who belonged to me and her adorable child. Sunny nearly toppled over as she made her way forward with a heavy pumpkin in hand. When she spotted me approaching, Carys bent down to point me out to Sunny. The look on Sunny’s face as she noticed me was priceless; she sped up, seeming eager to get to me and so proud to be holding that pumpkin. It was a small one, but somehow looked humongous in her little hands.
When she reached me, she held out the pumpkin. She’d wanted to give it to me. My heart clenched. I didn’t deserve the pedestal this little angel had put me on. The trust she placed in me was pure and unlike anything else I’d experienced.
“What did you do?” I knelt, putting the coffees and cake pop down on the pavement before holding out my hands. “Is that for me?”
Her cheeks reddened, as if she felt shy about giving it to me. It was adorable.
I took the pumpkin in one hand and pulled her close with the other. “Thank you so much. I love it,” I whispered in her ear. “And I love you, too.”
I meant every word. I loved Sunny.
Carys’s eyes locked on mine. Now she knew where my heart was. More and more, I’d surrendered to the fact that even if I hadn’t chosen this life, it had chosen me. And I felt like the luckiest man alive most days.
The Anti-Boyfriend Page 18