As for that doubt that gnawed at me? The voice that told me I didn’t deserve any of this? The voice that told me I would inevitably fail at this, just like everything else that had been important to me? I’d have to practice telling it to fuck off.
* * *
On the ride back to the city, we played some Bee Gees in the rental car and rolled the windows down on the highway.
Sunny loved the feel of the wind on her face, which triggered a fit of laughter and screams of joy. It had been an accidental discovery when I rolled the wrong window down on the way up here.
Her blond hair blew all over the place, her eyes half closed against the wind.
“She loves living on the edge,” I said over the noise. “Maybe she’ll grow up to be a biker chick.”
Carys laughed. “Let’s not wish for that. I’d worry too much.”
“But if it made her happy?”
She shrugged. “I’d have to suck it up.”
“Actually…” I admitted. “I don’t think I could handle Sunny riding a motorcycle. I’d be worried sick.”
Carys placed her hand on my knee. “Aw, that’s sweet.”
Those were the last words I remembered before the crash.
CHAPTER 22
Carys
THE ONLY CONSOLATION
Two Months Later
Simone was coming by today, and it was going to be hard to put the last couple of months into words. I didn’t want to talk about them, but it was time to let it all out. Today I’d rehash every painful detail. What had been like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from would now be essentially relived. In some ways, these weeks had gone by in a flash, and in others, it felt like forever since I’d seen Deacon.
Most mornings, I’d wake up, and it would take several seconds before reality set in—before it hit me all over again that Deacon was gone.
Deacon was gone.
No matter how often I went over everything in my mind, I’d never be able to wrap my head around him leaving New York. Was it a total surprise? No. He’d warned me. He’d warned me not to trust him, and I hadn’t listened. Wasn’t there a saying about that? When someone shows you who they are, believe them? Somehow I’d thought I’d be the person to change him, that his love for me would transcend his fears about getting involved with someone who had a child.
Something in him had snapped after the accident. He’d freaked out, and I couldn’t get the man I’d had before back. An accident had ruined his football career a decade ago, so maybe it was PTSD of some kind. Whatever it was, and wherever he was now, I hoped he was getting the help he needed.
It had been more than a month since Deacon left, and I would be explaining everything to Simone for the first time. She’d been in Paris, performing in a show there, when the accident happened. Even though she’d been back for a couple of weeks, I’d been too depressed to see her. But she’d insisted on coming to check on me today.
A little while later she arrived carrying two coffees from Starbucks. It was the first time I’d had Starbucks since Deacon last brought me one. I’d stayed away from there because it reminded me of him. How would I ever look at a Starbucks cup and not remember the first time he’d told me he loved me?
Simone put the coffees down on the table and brought me into a hug. “I’m so confused, Carys. Help me understand what the hell happened while I was away.”
I walked over and picked up my latte. Even the taste reminded me of him. My eyes lingered blankly on Simone’s name written on the side of the cup. I felt a tear forming before it fell.
I wiped my cheek. “Jesus. I told myself I wasn’t going to cry.”
“Whatever it takes, you need to get it out.” She looked around. “Where’s Sunny?”
“She’s napping.”
“Okay, good. It will give us some time to talk.”
We brought our coffees over to the couch. I’d previously told Simone the basics about the accident—that a car had hit us on our way home from the farm in Poughkeepsie. We were banged up and bruised, but none of us were badly injured—on the outside anyway. But I hadn’t elaborated on anything that happened after. She just knew Deacon and I had broken up.
“Where do I even start?” I took a deep breath in and started to let it out. “The day of the accident was perfect. We’d taken Sunny to a farm upstate. We were like a little family. Deacon told Sunny he loved her. It was so beautiful.”
“This was all before the accident?”
I nodded. “The accident happened on the way home. A man driving a truck sideswiped our rental car, pushing us into a guardrail. We’d had the window down for Sunny, so it was noisy, but I don’t think that made a difference. It happened so fast. There was nothing we could have done to prevent it. I don’t think Deacon felt that way, though.”
She sighed. “I don’t understand…”
“Neither do I, really, Simone.” I shook my head. “Anyway, we all went to the emergency room as a precaution, but we were discharged pretty quickly. But Deacon just wasn’t the same. He spent more and more time at his apartment, away from us. He blamed himself for what happened, said his reflexes weren’t fast enough, that the wind had distracted his focus.”
“But it wasn’t his fault,” she insisted.
“No. But he felt he should’ve been able to protect us. I guess if we all hadn’t been buckled in, we might’ve died.”
“But you were buckled in. Why do you think he’s so hard on himself?”
I sighed. “It brought back a bad memory for him. He got into an accident in college, and it ended his football career.”
She nodded. “Okay…wow.”
“I tried to get him to talk about what he was feeling, but he just kept blaming himself, saying Sunny could have died, and it would’ve been his fault. I kept hoping things would change as the days went on, that he would snap out of it, but he never did.”
“When did he leave?”
“A few weeks after the accident. One night, he came over. I went to take a shower, since he’d be able to watch Sunny for a few minutes.” I closed my eyes at the memory. “When I came out, before he realized I was there, I heard him talking to her. At the end he said, ‘I know you won’t remember me, but I’ll never forget you.’”
Simone placed her hand on her chest and her face wilted. “Oh no.”
“I said, ‘Deacon, what are you talking about?’ And he flipped around, shocked to see me standing behind him in my towel.” I hesitated. “He was crying. I’d never seen that. He just kept saying, ‘I’m sorry, Carys. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. I’m so sorry.’”
Simone reached out to rub my back. “Oh my God. What did you do?”
I shook my head. “I lost it. I started screaming, ‘I knew you would do this. I knew you would do this to me.’ And it was the truth. He’d warned me from the beginning that he was likely going to hurt me, that it wouldn’t be intentional, but it would happen. And I didn’t listen. I didn’t fucking listen, and it’s my own damn fault.”
“How did he respond when you yelled that?”
“He just stared at me. He didn’t have anything to say. He tried to reach out and hold me at one point, but I wouldn’t let him touch me. I told him to leave. I couldn’t bear to hear anything else he had to say. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t going to fight for us.”
“Jesus Christ, Carys. Where is he now?”
“He stuck around for a few days after that, calling me to make sure I was okay, but I wouldn’t answer. I know that wasn’t the mature way of handling things, but I was too hurt. He eventually texted that he was going to Minnesota for an indefinite amount of time, saying again how sorry he was.”
“How can he just go to Minnesota if he has a life here?”
“He can work from anywhere. And his family is there.”
“He still has his apartment next door?”
“Apparently. I haven’t heard or seen anything to prove otherwise.”
She shook her head. “I’m so sorry this happ
ened.”
I shrugged. “Better now than five years down the line when I was even more invested.”
I was trying to come off as strong, but I felt far from it. Most nights I cried myself to sleep, praying I’d wake up to find this was a dream, with Deacon’s warm body next to me. The safety I’d felt with him seemed a distant memory now. Even though he’d broken my heart, I missed him. Even more than as a lover, I missed him as a friend.
“What if he comes to his senses, returns, and begs your forgiveness?” Simone asked.
Deep down, I knew his leaving wasn’t only about me and Sunny. He had his own issues, and somehow the accident had put him in a bad place—a dark place he’d been before. While I understood that, I couldn’t get past my own hurt to fathom forgiving him. And even if I could forgive him, trust would be the bigger issue.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s over. Even if he came back, I can’t trust someone who left me once not to do it again. It’s not only me I have to worry about. It’s Sunny, too. I’m better off not getting involved with anyone at this point. It’s too much of a risk. Deacon was my one shot, and it failed miserably. I won’t put my heart on the line like that again.”
A distraught look crossed Simone’s face. “That’s so sad. I feel like when the wound of this has healed, you’ll come around. It’ll take a while, but never give up hope, Carys. You’re still so young.”
Would I be able to love again? It sure as hell didn’t feel that way right now.
I rubbed my temples. “I don’t know, Simone. I really don’t.”
* * *
After Simone left, I went to get Sunny up from her nap. As I changed her diaper, she said something that threw me for a loop.
“Deek.”
My heart shattered. Was it my imagination? She hadn’t said “Deek” since he’d left. Was she only now realizing he was gone for good? Or was the sound she made just a coincidence?
Regardless of the answer, I felt compelled to say, “Deacon is gone, honey. I’m so sorry.”
I might have been reminding myself more than anything. I could only hope Sunny would begin to forget him. That was the only consolation—that she was too young to remember any of this.
* * *
Later that night, I’d just settled in on the couch to watch some TV when my phone rang. Not many people called at this hour. The noise caused me to jump, thinking it might have been Deacon.
It wasn’t.
Rather than say hello, I answered, “What do you want, Charles?”
Although I’d resigned myself to letting him come around at some point, I’d been in no place to try something new since Deacon left. So every time Charles called, I still gave him some version of the same answer: I wasn’t ready for him to see Sunny.
“I told you I wasn’t going to give up. I’ll keep calling until I get the answer I need. I would like to see my daughter.”
I wasn’t in the mood for this. “You don’t have a right to see her, so I don’t have to abide by any special timeline to give you an answer. If I let you see her, it would be out of the goodness of my heart.”
“Alright. Understood. But I can’t give up, Carys. I won’t. I made a huge mistake in how I handled things after she was born.” He expelled a long breath into the phone, sounding defeated. “And I’m sorry again that I tried to see her without your permission. As I’ve told you, it won’t happen again.”
I needed to stop prolonging the inevitable. Maybe I was feeling too weak to fight anymore, but I conceded. “You want to see her?”
“Yes,” he answered immediately.
“Come tomorrow afternoon at one.”
Charles let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Carys. Thank you.”
* * *
The next day, Charles stood at the door, holding a teddy bear bigger than Sunny.
I stepped aside. “Come in.”
He looked me up and down. “You look beautiful.”
That was comical considering I’d done nothing to make myself up. In fact, I’d intentionally dressed in jeans and a T-shirt for this.
His eyes searched the room. “Where’s Sunny?”
“She’s napping. I have to get her up. I typically don’t wake her until there’s a reason.”
When I’d told him to come at one, I hadn’t thought about the fact that Sunny might be napping. But I’d opted to keep the time anyway because I wanted to get the visit over with.
“Can I go in there with you when you wake her?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
We made small talk in the living room for as long as I could stand before I decided to wake Sunny up early, against my better judgment.
Charles followed me into her room.
I lifted Sunny out of the crib. It took her several seconds to blink her eyes fully open. When she noticed Charles standing there, she had no reaction.
“Hi, beautiful girl,” he said, seeming in awe of her.
Sunny continued to look at him with ambivalence. Maybe she could sense the tension.
“I’m Charles,” he said. “And I’m so very sorry I haven’t come by to see you sooner. More than you can ever imagine.” He seemed a little choked up.
Was it genuine? Probably. Although it was still too little too late for me to forget everything he’d done—or hadn’t done—up until this point. I wouldn’t forget, but I would work on forgiving. I did believe he cared for her, despite everything. And I did believe he regretted how he’d handled things.
Charles followed us back out to the living room. We sat in silence as he watched Sunny play with her toys on the floor, which now included the giant, stuffed bear he’d brought.
“I asked you something once before and you dismissed it. So I’ll ask again. Who was that man here with Sunny the night of the gala?” he asked suddenly.
My chest tightened. “I still don’t believe that’s any of your business.”
“I know it’s not. I’m just curious.”
“He was an ex-boyfriend,” I admitted.
“Ex? What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Charles nodded, not pushing the issue. We resumed watching Sunny together in silence. She babbled and squealed as she tried to communicate with the giant bear.
He rubbed his hands together and turned to me. “What can I do to make things better between us? I know I’ve lost all chance of ever having you as a lover again. But goddamnit, Carys, I need to rectify the mistakes I’ve made. I want to get to the point where we can be civil, friends, even. I know that may be a long shot, but a man can dream.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “Carys, when we met, I was so smitten with you. I’m not sure if you realize how badly I had it back then. I admired your beauty and elegance long before you were ever injured and working with me. My attraction to you was something I had to keep secret because I was a married man. Then when Violet and I separated, that gave me a window to finally pursue you. I never felt like I deserved you. But I loved you. I truly did—still do. There was only one thing I loved more—my children. More and more, I saw how difficult the impending divorce was on them. I started to reconsider whether I was making the right decision in leaving my family. I convinced myself getting back together with Violet was the right idea when it wasn’t. I chickened out when it came to putting my needs above others. At that time, of course, I didn’t know you were pregnant. By the time I did find out, I’d already made the decision to try to save my family. And then she started threatening me. I—”
“I already know why you—”
“Please, let me finish,” he interrupted.
I let out an exasperated breath.
“When Violet found out about your pregnancy, she threatened to make it so I never saw Talia and Xavier again unless I abandoned you and relinquished my rights as a father to Sunny. I felt like I had to make a choice between hurting the children I knew, or the one I’d never met. My decision was a kn
ee-jerk reaction out of fear. I’m ashamed of what I did to you. And if I have to spend the rest of my life making it up to you, I will.”
I’d known Violet was against the kids finding out about Sunny but never realized she’d actually used the children to threaten Charles. Still, whether that knowledge would change things remained to be seen. “I don’t know what to say. I really don’t. I’ve completely written you off as a part of my life or Sunny’s life.”
“And I deserve every bit of that.” He paused a moment. “I told Talia and Xavier about Sunny.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“It was against Violet’s wishes, but I’m done being blackmailed.”
“You always said you thought they were too young to understand.”
“They are. But I came to the conclusion that the longer I kept it from them, the more of a shock it would be, and the less time they would have with their sister.”
Sister? I couldn’t believe he was using that term. “You do realize you’re not on her birth certificate, so technically whether she’s their sister is debatable.”
He stared at me. “She’s their flesh and blood, Carys. I have no right to keep her from them.”
“What did you say to them?”
“I told them the truth, that when Mommy and Daddy were apart, I fell in love with a beautiful woman and we made a baby together. I showed them the one photo of Sunny I have, one Simone posted on social media. And I told them about her, about what Down syndrome is, about the mistakes I made in handling everything. And I apologized to them, just as I’m apologizing to you right now.”
My mind raced. “This is too much.”
“I know it is. But I had to tell you. I’m done being a disappointment to you and to myself. I needed to do what was right. My name may not be on her birth certificate, but I am her father, Carys. I will always be her father.”
I felt sick. He didn’t deserve a second chance, but Sunny had no other father figure in her life. Her biological father now wanted that role. I didn’t want to make a decision she’d be upset about later.
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