The Anti-Boyfriend

by Ward, Penelope

  I sighed, feeling so many things all at once. “I don’t know what to say. I haven’t processed you coming back, let alone all of this. I’m not sure I can trust you not to leave again. That’s not something I want to go through a second time—or a third time, actually. I’d rather be alone.”

  “I understand,” he said after a moment. “Can I ask you one favor?”

  “Okay…”

  “Will you let me bring you coffee again? No commitments. No promises. Just coffee a few times a week.”

  It seemed like a simple thing, but it was letting him back into my life. Would I be better off not seeing him while I thought things through? He had just poured his heart out to me, though... And I did have a different perspective on why he left. In the end, the pained look in his eyes made it impossible to say no.

  “Okay. Just coffee.”

  His expression transformed. “Thank you. It’s more than just coffee to me. Thank you for not shutting me out, even though I probably deserve it.”

  After we finished our drinks, Deacon and I left the café separately. I made the excuse that I needed to stop at the store so I could walk back to the apartment alone.

  That night, sleep evaded me as a million thoughts floated through my mind, including an internal debate about trusting Deacon again, and images of a beautiful baby with his eyes who never came to be.

  CHAPTER 29

  Deacon

  HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE?

  You’ve heard the saying that life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon? Well, earning Carys’s trust back was more like a slow wade through an ocean. But it was worth it, even if not getting to reach out and touch her was downright painful. A month-and-a-half after I returned to New York, my relationship with Carys was slowly improving.

  One afternoon, as we sat in her living room drinking the coffees I’d brought over, I presented her with something I’d made back in Minnesota.

  I took it out of the small bag. “I forgot to give this to you. It’s for Sunny. I made it while I was home.”

  Carys smiled as she examined the pink hat. “You crocheted this?”

  “Yup. My grandmother was trying to get me out of her house, where I stayed half the time. She wanted to invite dirty old men over without my being there, but that’s a story for another day.” I laughed. “Anyway, she commissioned me to help her make hats and scarves, just like the old days, figuring it would make me want to leave. I’m not sure it will fit. Might be too big.”

  “Well, there’s only one way to find out.” Carys walked over to where Sunny was playing with her toys. She placed it on her head. “It’s perfect.”

  It did seem to fit, but unfortunately, Sunny hated it. She took it off almost immediately and threw it on the ground. That’s about how I’d been doing with Sunny since I returned. She’d offer me some smiles, and things were a little better, but it wasn’t the same as before. She didn’t cling to me. She didn’t adore me like she used to. I was determined to get back there.

  “Maybe the material wasn’t comfortable on her head,” I said. “It can be a little scratchy.”

  Carys’s expression softened. “It’s the thought that counts. Thank you for making it.”

  “There wasn’t a moment I was away that I wasn’t thinking about you,” I said.

  “Were you with anyone?” she asked.

  The way she’d unleashed that question made me think it had been weighing on her mind, just waiting to come out.

  “No!” I rushed to reassure her. “No, I wasn’t. I haven’t touched anyone since you. I thought that was understood. I’m glad you asked, if you were doubting that.”

  Carys’s face was red, and she let out a deep breath. It made my heart come alive, and gave me confidence that she hadn’t totally written us off.

  She changed the subject. “How’s your dad?”

  “He’s good. He hasn’t had any negative reaction from the radiation. I think he’s going to beat this.”

  “I’m glad.” She smiled.

  There was a knock at the door.

  “Are you expecting someone?” I asked.

  “It’s Charles. I told him he could come over to see Sunny today.”

  Shit. I’d managed to avoid Sunny’s father until now, other than that night months ago when I’d kicked him out of here. But he was coming around regularly now, so I suppose it was time I got used to him.

  Carys went to the door, and I stood up from the couch.

  Charles looked equally surprised to see me.

  “You haven’t formally met Deacon,” she said.

  He held out his hand. “Deacon. Long time no see. Although I believe you told me your name was Dick the last time we met.”

  We shook.

  “Just doin’ my job,” I said.

  “I appreciate that you were diligent in protecting my daughter that day.”

  When she spotted him, Sunny ran to Charles and tugged on his leg.

  He lifted her. “Hi, beautiful girl.”

  That stung. But he’d been here when I hadn’t. And the months I was gone were enough to undo the bond I’d had with Sunny—allowing space for him to form one.

  Charles sat on the floor and played with Sunny, while Carys and I watched. We finished our coffees in silence. It was a strange dynamic.

  I took the time to reflect on my future with Carys. Maybe there was no way to erase the hurt I’d caused. Maybe I could only work to mask it. Either way, I hadn’t figured out how to do that yet, how to make her happy when she was still so guarded toward me.

  After about forty-five minutes, Charles kissed Sunny’s head and looked over at me. “You mind taking a walk with me, Deacon?”

  I turned to Carys who shrugged.

  “Sure.”

  Charles and I exited the apartment together.

  “Two fuckboys…”

  “Did you hear something?” Charles said. “Did someone say…fuckboys?”

  Mrs. Winsbanger’s door moved.

  I nodded for him to follow me down the hall. “That’s our crazy neighbor. She likes to spy on everyone and has the mouth of a truck driver.”

  Charles started to laugh, and I followed suit. As nuts as Mrs. Winsbanger was, she’d broken the ice a little.

  We said nothing else to each other until we made it outside the building.

  Charles slid his hands into his pockets as we walked. “I don’t need to tell you the story of what happened with Carys and me,” he said. “I’m sure you know what I did, how I abandoned her when she needed me the most.”

  I nodded, letting him continue.

  “It’s been a challenge getting her to trust me enough to be around Sunny, but we’ve finally arrived at a good place. I didn’t deserve a second chance, but she gave it to me anyway.”

  As much as I never liked this guy, his words gave me a shred of hope for my own situation.

  “I’m not going to lie to you, Deacon. If Carys would have me back, I would love to be with her. She’s beautiful and kind, and something you can’t begin to understand, because you weren’t around in those days—she’s so very talented.”

  “I wish I had known her then.”

  “My point is…despite my feelings for her, there’s no future there. She doesn’t love me the way she loves you.”

  My heart began to accelerate as we weaved through people on the sidewalk. “How do you know she loves me?”

  “When you were away, she wouldn’t talk about you for a long time. But she finally told me what happened. It’s clear to me that her feelings still run deep. She’s just afraid of getting hurt again. Unfortunately, I started the trend. If you fuck up a second time, that would make three times she’s had her heart broken. That can’t happen.”

  I raised my voice. “That’s not gonna happen.”

  “Only you can prove that. If I thought I had a shot with her, I’d be giving you no advice right now. I envy the fuck out of you for even standing a chance. So don’t waste this opportunity.”

  I raised
my eyebrow. “I’m surprised to be getting such encouragement from the enemy.”

  He chuckled. “The first time I met you, I didn’t like you. You pushed me away and wouldn’t let me see my daughter. But here’s the thing, I respected the hell out of you for it. You were protecting Sunny that night—something I wasn’t able to do at the time. That should’ve been my job as her father, not yours. It takes a strong man to be a good father to his own kids, but it takes a special kind of man to be a father to someone else’s.” He stopped walking to look me in the eyes. “If you want Carys, if you want a life with her and Sunny, then prove it. Do whatever it takes, and don’t fuck up again.”

  “I don’t plan to.” This guy really surprised me. Maybe I didn’t hate him so much after all.

  Charles nodded. “I’d rather see her with someone I know is a decent person than some asshole from the Internet. But just know that I’ll be around, too. I’m Sunny’s father. And I’m earning my way back in. I’d be willing to share that role if you earn the right to it, too.”

  “Understood.”

  I would’ve never imagined that Carys’s deadbeat ex could inspire a new determination in me to stay the course, to fight for what I wanted. But maybe the greatest lessons come from those who’ve been there, who’ve lost things they can never get back.

  Later that afternoon, when I’d gone back to my apartment, I noticed a bright pink postcard slipped under my door. There was an elephant on the front and it read Sunny Turns 2.

  My chest constricted. Her birthday party would be held at the YMCA in a couple of weeks.

  Two. Where did the time go?

  This invitation meant everything. Carys wanted me there, despite her reservations. This elephant meant there was still hope.

  * * *

  The gym at the YMCA was all decked out in pink. A bouncy house in the shape of a castle had been set up, along with a ball pit and obstacle course made out of soft objects.

  Charles sat with his teenage son in a corner of the gym. Carys’s friend Simone, whom I’d only met once, was jumping with a girl I assumed was Charles’s daughter, based on the resemblance.

  Also in the mix were several toddlers and their parents, people I figured Carys knew from her Mommy and Me class.

  Carys stood next to the refreshment table with an older woman. She hadn’t seen me yet. Pink and gray balloons surrounded her. The cake on the table had a big elephant on it—and of course there was me: the biggest elephant in the room, the man who’d broken Carys’s heart. Many of the people here likely knew the story and would be sizing me up today.

  I placed the giant bag containing Sunny’s gift on a table with the other presents.

  Carys finally noticed me and waved for me to come over.

  “Deacon, this is my boss, Cynthia.”

  Ah. I should’ve known.

  “Cynthia… This is my friend Deacon.”

  Friend. Ouch.

  Cynthia was probably in her late fifties. She had her brown hair up in a twist and exuded elegance, just how I might picture someone who ran a ballet.

  I extended my hand. “Cynthia, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “You, as well.” She smiled, not seeming to give off any funny signals; that made me think Carys had never talked about me with her.

  Sensing a vibe, perhaps, Cynthia excused herself under the guise of wanting some punch, leaving Carys and me alone.

  “I’m glad you could make it,” she said.

  “Wild horses couldn’t have kept me away. Or wild elephants.” I smiled.

  “You look nice,” she said, touching my arm as her cheeks turned pink.

  I was unsure of a lot of things when it came to Carys lately, but I knew I still had an effect on her physically. But instead of feeling smug about that, it made me sad and frustrated, because I wanted her so badly. I always told myself I would know when the time was right to make a move. It hadn’t come yet.

  “This was a really great idea—to have the party here,” I said.

  “Well, I knew the apartment wasn’t an option, and I wanted it somewhere she could have a good time.”

  “Mission accomplished.” My eyes wandered over to Sunny, swimming around in the ball pit. “Look at that face.”

  Carys smiled over at her daughter, and I took that moment to stare at her gorgeous profile.

  “My baby is so happy around other kids. And they’re all too young to notice or care that she looks different. It’s a beautiful age.”

  I shook my head. “She was six months old when I met her. Where the hell did a year and a half go?” Of course, that reminded me I’d been gone for four months of that time. I swallowed. “Can I help you with anything?”

  “No. This place is great. They have everything covered. They bring in the pizza and cake and clean everything up.”

  “Well, if you need help packing those gifts into the car, I’m your man. I’ll be here till the end.” My eyes seared into hers. I wasn’t just referring to today.

  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

  Carys wore a pink dress with thin straps and a flared skirt. The skin on her neck was slightly blotchy. I knew that happened when she was nervous.

  “You look beautiful in pink. Well, you look beautiful in everything. So fucking beautiful.”

  She moved her hair behind her ear. “Thank you.”

  Perhaps my gaze lingered a little too long, because she excused herself to go talk to one of the other parents.

  I spent the remainder of the afternoon watching Sunny having a blast and stealing glances at Carys. I wondered how this day would have been different if I hadn’t left. Carys might have been leaning against my chest as I wrapped my arms around her and watched Sunny play. Sunny might have been closer to me than she was to Charles. I reminded myself that I couldn’t be here for them the way I was now if I hadn’t freaked out, hadn’t gone home, hadn’t made peace with my demons. I knew now that I would never hurt them again.

  When Sunny opened her presents, I waited anxiously for her to get to mine.

  Eventually, Carys handed her the large bag I’d brought and opened the card. “It’s from Deacon, Sunny. What is it? Let’s see!” she said.

  Sunny seemed more mesmerized by the pink tissue paper than anything else.

  Carys helped Sunny remove a furry, gray elephant from the bag. I’d figured if she liked elephants, I couldn’t go wrong with a big, stuffed one.

  “If you push on the chest, it plays a song,” I said.

  Carys pressed her hand to the center of the elephant, and her mouth dropped open when the song began: “How Deep is Your Love” by the Bee Gees. I had no clue if Sunny would even recognize it.

  It was a pleasant surprise when Sunny hugged the elephant to her and flashed a huge smile—the biggest one I’d contributed to since I’d been back. Her eyes turned to slits as the beautiful grin spread even wider across her face. Carys had admitted that she’d stopped playing the Bee Gees album for Sunny after I left, so I knew she hadn’t heard that song in a long time. Whether she remembered it from before or not, she was sure as hell connecting to it now. Maybe one day she’d connect to me again, too.

  Charles and his kids presented their gift next: a gigantic stack of children’s books. Charles began reading off the titles, one of which was Monkey Bandit and the Naughty Ball.

  Carys, standing next to me, leaned in and whispered, “Monkey balls.”

  Holy shit. I started to crack up, elated that she remembered the day Mrs. Winsbanger had called me that. I’d never forget that day, our first coffee together. It all started with monkey balls, and at this moment, monkey balls gave me hope that all was not lost.

  CHAPTER 30

  Carys

  NAUGHTY GIRL

  The months since Deacon’s return had reminded me a lot of the early days of our relationship. He was there when I needed him but didn’t cross any boundaries. I knew he was being careful not to make assumptions about my readiness to let him back into my life.

 
It all felt a little like déjà vu because Deacon had reverted back to being a good friend I desperately wanted to have sex with. But I hadn’t let myself go there yet. I kept waiting to feel a hundred-percent sure he would never hurt me again. But is it ever possible to be absolutely certain?

  One Saturday afternoon, Sharon called to tell me she had the day free if I wanted her to come spend a few hours with Sunny. She said she figured I might appreciate some time to myself. Never one to refuse unexpected help, I thanked her and said I would love to take her up on that.

  She arrived about an hour later. As I kissed Sunny goodbye and headed out the door, I realized I had absolutely nowhere to be. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I wanted to see Deacon. I wanted to be alone with Deacon, something that—very strategically on my part—hadn’t happened since he’d come back.

  But how would I make that happen without sending the wrong message? Did I care about the consequences anymore? My body was more than ready, but my mind wasn’t there yet.

  I stood in front of his door, frozen, for probably five minutes.

  “Naughty girl…going to get the boom-boom from Fuckboy.”

  I turned around to see Mrs. Winsbanger’s door suddenly close.

  Shit.

  If she was onto me, surely Deacon would see right through this little spur-of-the-moment visit, too?

  Nevertheless, I sighed and decided to knock.

  Deacon opened the door with a white towel wrapped around his waist. Water dripped down his bare chest. Holy shit. I’d nearly forgotten how hot this man’s body was.

  “What’s up, beautiful? This is a nice surprise.”

  My eyes traveled down his torso. “I’m sorry to interrupt.”

  “You’re not interrupting. I just took a quick shower after the gym. I’m glad you’re here.”