Having learned my lesson by drinking too much at that last planning meeting, I’d stuck to nursing my one glass of champagne and had drunk mostly water for the rest. Responsible, in-control Colette was firmly back in the driver’s seat.
At the party this weekend, I might cut loose again just a little bit once all the official duties were done, but I’d play that by ear. For now, I was doing what needed to be done and keeping my distance at the same time.
A distance, it seemed, Paxton wasn’t much of a fan of. He fell into step beside me even though I’d told him repeatedly that he didn’t need to walk me to my car. I could practically feel his eyes drilling holes into the side of my head.
“What?” I snapped when the silence got too heavy.
He slid his fingers into the pockets of his jeans, and to anyone else, he might’ve come across as completely casual and relaxed. He didn’t look that way to me at all, his posture rigid and his jaw tight.
As I glanced up at him, I felt a stab of guilt piercing my gut. He hadn’t done anything to deserve this treatment—yet—but I had to stick to my guns. For April.
“What’s going on here, Colette?” he asked, motioning between the two of us. “Did I do something that left a bad taste in your mouth?”
“No.” I didn’t give him an explanation because there was nothing more to it than that. He hadn’t done anything to upset me. I’d simply given him the wrong impression, and now I had to fix it before hearts started breaking all over the damn place.
“Bullshit,” he said, and the word came out on something like a growl. “There’s obviously something going on. You’ve barely looked at me all night.”
“Maybe you should take the hint and back off,” I snapped. “I said I didn’t want you walking me, and I meant it. Just leave me alone.”
“Jesus.” He groaned and shoved his hands through his hair even as he kept pace with me. “What is with you?”
He gripped the nape of his neck and let his head fall back, glaring at the inky sky before bringing his gaze back to mine. If I were to try a move like that, my heel would probably get stuck on something, and I’d end in a heap on the sidewalk.
Not Paxton.
In all fairness, he wasn’t wearing heels, but there was no way he’d ever fall. It was like his willpower was so strong that even the sidewalk remained smooth when he needed to walk without looking where he was going.
I released a slow breath through my nostrils. “There’s nothing with me, Paxton. Except for maybe the inclination to make bad choices where you’re involved.”
“What are you talking about?” He frowned deeply as he looked down at me, and even with his face cast in shadows from the streetlights above, I could see the hurt etched into his features. “What bad decisions?”
“I don’t want to fight with you, but if you keep pushing, I’m afraid I’m going to snap,” I said as calmly as I could.
“Then fucking snap.” He sped up his pace to move around me, then pulled me up short when he stopped in front of me as we hit the parking lot. “Because I’m not going to stop pushing. This is total bullshit. You keep blowing hot and cold with me, and I’m over it. We sleep together, and you storm out the next day. We kiss, and you give me the silent treatment the next time you see me. I get that you were pissed at me, but I thought we’d moved past that.”
Ice-cold fury spread through me, and I closed my eyes before lifting my chin. My heart was beating like a hummingbird flapping its wings inside my chest, pumping that fury into every fiber of my being.
When I opened my eyes again, I could practically feel them blazing as I focused on him. I stood my ground, though. Even when he met my challenging stare with one of his own. He crossed his arms over his T-shirt-clad chest like he was bracing to defend himself against the verbal blows he knew were coming.
“We haven’t moved past that,” I fumed, my breathing heavy and my voice broken. “I don’t want to do this with you, Paxton. I made a mistake when I slept with you, and clearly, it gave you the wrong idea.”
“But—”
I held up my hand, tilting my head as I breathed through the pain of what I was about to say. “I only showed up the other night because I was worried about you. I know how close you military guys are with your buddies who served with you. I’m only human, so I worried. I didn’t show up because I was trying to start something with you.”
“Well, that stings,” he said, tone as cold as his eyes when they stared down at me. “Especially since you seem to think the fact that I fucked you gave me the wrong idea. What idea is that, Colette?”
“You and I are not together again. We can’t keep kissing and acting like we might have another shot at this. Now that the planning is done, we need to take some space apart.”
Paxton’s nostrils flaring was the only outward reaction to my words. He stared at me for a long time, breathing hard and looking like he was trying to hold himself back from saying something he would regret.
“What does that even mean?” he asked eventually, his eyes narrowing as they darted from one of mine to the other. “Can you even answer that question? Or are you going to be apologizing for your behavior tonight the next time you see me, and then we start this cycle all over again?”
“It’s all happened once, Paxton,” I spat. “Don’t pretend like we’re in some kind of cycle. We fucked because I was drunk. I regretted it, but I still should’ve handled it better. That’s why I apologized, because I shouldn’t have made it seem like you did something wrong. But that’s it. Unlike you, I’m a fucking grown-up. If I behave poorly, I’ll apologize for it.”
He opened his mouth to respond, but I wasn’t done yet. “As for the other night, you kissed me, remember? You were spewing all that shit about the past being behind us. Not me. Don’t lay all this on me. Take some fucking responsibility for once in your life.”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cussed so much in one conversation, but sometimes, a person needed the word “fuck” to adequately get the point across. “Please” just didn’t quite have the same effect.
“To answer your question, I do know what it means,” I said. “It means that leading up to the wedding, we’ll only see each other at the party this weekend. We’ll put on big smiles for the bride and groom, and we’ll pretend that everything is okay.”
“I did think everything was okay,” he muttered, and then his voice strengthened again, his words flying as his eyes blazed right back at me. “Why would you pretend otherwise at all? Why mislead me? If you’re still mad at me, why didn’t you just say so?”
Why didn’t I just say so? Shocked speechless for a moment, I could only stare at him. He took that as his cue to put his hands on my shoulders, and he bent his knees to look into my eyes.
“Why didn’t you let me make it up to you?” he asked, his voice raspy but his tone fierce. “I would’ve tried to make it up to you if I’d known.”
“Why didn’t I let you make it up to me?” I repeated on a whisper as I shook my head, and then my next words broke free as a borderline hysterical scream right there in a public parking lot. “You can’t make it up to me, Paxton. You abandoned me like I was nothing to you when you were my entire world.”
His head reared back, but before he could get a word out, I was poking his chest and dumping every bottled-up emotion out all over him. “I loved you, don’t you understand that? I was planning on spending the rest of my life with you, and you turned around and walked away to get the structure you needed without a second thought to me.”
Tears burned the backs of my eyes, but I swallowed past my constricted throat. “Now you have the audacity to ask why I misled you? I gave in to you. I didn’t mislead you. I gave in to you because you were back, and you were there, and you were you.”
I choked back a sob, but I didn’t even let that deter me. “Meanwhile, you were also the person who abandoned me. You made it very clear that every kiss, every I love you, every moment we spent together meant nothing to
you. I fooled myself into believing that it meant something to you, that I meant something to you, but I can’t let myself get sucked in again when I know it’s not true.”
“Colette—”
“No, Paxton.” I swallowed hard, needing him to hear me and to understand that every good moment for the past few weeks had been nothing but a stupid mistake. “I mean it. We need to stay away from each other. I won’t let you derail my life again, and more importantly, I won’t let you do that to April.”
His lips formed her name as his brows tugged together. In the dim light surrounding the parking lot, I saw the confusion written in his eyes, and then I saw his expression hardening.
But again, I didn’t give him the chance to say anything in his defense. He didn’t need to tell me that he hadn’t hurt her, and I didn’t owe him an explanation for why I’d brought her into this at all.
“I hate you for how you left me, and that’s never going to change,” I said, my voice softer again now that the rage had all but burned itself out. “Stay away from me, Paxton. And stay away from my daughter.”
Pivoting as I turned my back on him and marched the last few yards to my car by myself, I let the tears flow as I got in and drove off. It was only once I was around the corner that I pulled over and pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes, gasping for breath as I fought to regain control.
Fuck. Why did this still hurt so much? Telling him off should’ve felt good, but it didn’t.
All I felt was the excruciating agony of knowing that I would never love anyone the way I loved him, and he would never love me the same. Unrequited love really was a bitch, but what made it worse was that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
Chapter 29
PAXTON
Brett looked ridiculous. The boys had dressed him up in a lime-green mankini and a purple tutu with fairy lights between the layers, and his face was full of glitter.
It had been a wild afternoon so far, and we were only just getting started. Even though I was Tierra’s man of honor, I was attending the bachelor party with the boys, and Colette was attending the bachelorette’s with the girls.
We’d discussed it with them, and they’d agreed that it worked out better that way. Especially since we were coming together for the last part of the evening anyway.
It was just as well. Slamming back shots with the guys, laughing while Brett performed dares, and playing paintball sounded like a much better way to keep my mind off Colette than sitting around gossiping with a bunch of women.
Okay, so I knew that wasn’t what they were doing. I’d planned the fucking party, after all. But still. This was what I needed right now—not the spa day they were having.
Once we were done with paintball and the venue we’d hired there looked like the aftermath of a high school party from a movie, we left the cups and bottles behind. Thank God I’d insisted on getting the package that included the cleanup instead of us having to do it.
Colette had thought it was a waste of money, that we could clean up ourselves as we went, but fuck that. Fuck her, for that matter.
“Okay, everyone,” I yelled as we hit the changerooms, bringing my hands to my mouth to amplify my voice. “Let’s hit the showers here, then we’re off to our next location. Twenty minutes sound good?”
Hollers of agreement went up, and I nodded before I hopped off the bench I’d climbed on to make the announcement. Brett was waiting for me at the locker we were sharing for this part of the festivities.
His green eyes bored into mine, slightly hazy, but at least it looked like he could still focus. “You good?”
“Me?” I pointed a thumb at my chest, smirking as I gave his shoulder a playful punch. “I’m not the one dressed like a princess gone wrong. I’m fine. How’re you holding up?”
He squinted at me, then lifted his hand and rocked it from side to side. “I’m going to need some water when we get to wherever it is we’re going.”
I leaned in. “There’s more booze in the limo. If it was up to me, I’d have said no to the water. You’re only ever going to have one bachelor party, but someone insisted we keep water and soda in the limo too.”
He made a sympathetic face, which was slightly comical since he was the one swaying lightly on his feet. “Things not going so well with you and Colette after all, huh?”
“Things are fine. We’re fine. We should hit the showers.” I grabbed my clothes from the locker and shoved the bag my sister had packed for him at his chest. When he stumbled back a bit as it hit him, I paused. “Are you going to need help getting in the shower? My sister will kill me if you fall over and end up with a black eye or a broken arm.”
He laughed but thankfully waved me off. “I’ve got it. I don’t need my brother-in-law washing my junk for me.”
I shuddered at the thought. “Good man. Once we get in the limo, check the cooler right up front. Colette packed a few sports drinks in there for you with water.”
“God, I love her.” He sighed, and then swung his gaze drunkenly back to mine as we headed toward the shower cubicles. “You’re not going to hurt her again, right? She’s like a sister to me. If you hurt her again, I’ll fuck you up, Pax. Brother-in-law or not, I will beat the shit out of you. You ripped her apart the last time. I can’t see her going through that again.”
I raised my hands as a frisson of annoyance rippled through me. “You have nothing to worry about. Like I said, we’re fine. I don’t think I have the power to rip her apart again, and even if I did, I fucking wouldn’t.”
Since we were on the topic of ripping things and he didn’t mention the other night, I was assuming she hadn’t told him how she’d ripped me a new one out of the fucking blue. On the other hand, I’d already kind of known she wouldn’t have told him.
We’re going to pretend that everything is fine.
I screwed my eyes shut when her voice ran through my mind for what felt like the millionth time that day. Brett and I peeled apart when we reached the showers, each grabbing one of the available cubicles and dodging around our friends who were already done.
The banter in the locker room had cheered me up some by the time we headed out to the limo. It was a huge black monstrosity that had strobe lights and a disco ball inside. Colette had thought it was gaudy. I thought it was awesome.
As we took our seats, I noticed Brett scooting forward to the cooler I’d told him about. The mankini and the tutu had been only for the paintball, and he was now wearing slacks and a button-down shirt like the rest of us.
He turned his head a little to down a bottle of water without being caught by the rest of the guys. While I had the urge to pass him a beer, I held off. I wasn’t a total asshole, and if he didn’t want to get shitfaced at his own party, then so be it. I, however, had zero qualms about tearing it up tonight. But then, I also didn’t have a fiancée to go back to.
I just had an infuriating ex in my head, and I couldn’t seem to get rid of her voice there. Which was contributing to my willingness to just shut it all down. I wouldn’t get rip-roaring drunk since I was technically on duty, but a little bender should be okay.
The rest of us grabbed our drinks, and the friendly ribbing and laughter continued as we were driven to a fancy cigar lounge Colette had booked. There were cocktails with dirty names on a table as we entered the private room, and even I choked back a laugh at some of the names printed on the cards at the front of each row.
She must have chosen these that week I’d been out, because I’d never seen any cocktail menu with names like these on it. There was a row of each—Suck, Bang, ’n Blow, Sex on my Face, Bend Over, Shirley, and even Adios, Motherfucker.
When I’d heard the cocktails at a cigar lounge was part of her plan, I’d rolled my eyes a little bit, but with names like those, the cocktails turned out to be a hit. More than one of us decided to try our hands at the Adios, Motherfucker, and I relished the burn and the subsequent numbness as the alcohol spread through me.
It helped me bl
ock out Colette’s yelling as much as the paintball and coordinating the fun after had. Relaxing into the conversations happening around me, I got caught up with some old friends and even let myself get dragged into a downing race.
I was feeling all languid and happy when Colette’s text came through, and I let out a string of curses at her urge to control everything. But then I rolled my eyes and tapped out a response I knew would make her either horny or furious—possibly both.
Colette: Two fingers time.
Me: Already? I thought you liked to get teased a little longer before I went for that.
Stifling a laugh at that might’ve been a little immature, but seriously, fuck it. After the way she’d climbed into me, I didn’t feel bad about it.
I wrapped my fingers around my mouth after getting to my feet, but I didn’t have to yell as loudly this time. “Listen up, gents. For the rest of the night, we’re going to be playing a little ongoing drinking game.”
Every eye in the room fixed on me. I waited until I knew I had their attention before I explained the rules. “It’s a pretty simple one, but it doesn’t end, so you’ve always got to be ready. Since we’re equal-opportunity drinkers, the ladies are starting the same game right now, and we’ll all still be playing later.”
As I expected, when I said what the name of the game was, I got a few more comments that were just as immature as the one I’d just sent to Colette. It made me grin.
“It’s called Two Fingers.” I paused until the comments and laughter had passed. “At any point of the night, if you know either the name of the band playing or the song being played, you get to nominate any other person to take a sip of their drink that has to make it drop at least two fingers.”
I pointed at Brett. “To demonstrate, this one is called ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It.’ Let’s see the last bit of that beer disappear, my man. There can’t be more than two fingers of beer left in there. Someone get him a fresh one.”
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