Max pulled Susan to him and cuddled her close. Lying side by side, she rested her head on his chest and caressed her back.
“Are you okay?” he whispered into her ear.
“I’m good!” She closed her eyes, soaking in every delicious memory of him.
“Are we moving too fast Max? I mean don’t you feel a little like we are in overdrive?”
He lifted her chin up and locked eyes with hers. “Honey, every minute with you is a blessing, and when I’m not with you, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“Max, the feelings I have for you are so familiar; it’s like they were always there. I know it’s all happening too quickly... I can’t... My head keeps telling me to slow down.”
Max kissed her softly and placed his hand on her chest, above her heart. “What does your heart say, baby?”
His hand felt warm and his touch made her heart beat. “I… I don’t know it beats too fast when you’re around.”
Max brushed his hand down her chest. “That’s just how I feel. Susan, I love you. I don't care how fast we are going, it’s not going to change.” He placed her free hand on his chest, and she felt his heart racing as fast as hers.
“Oh, Max, I love you too!” I know now I always have,” she whispered. His mouth traced her neckline, and he held her breast in the cup of his hand.
“Max...” she gasped. Her head tilted back at his touch.
He made love to her again, and this time it wasn’t full of worry, and doubts, and anxieties. This time she gave herself completely to him. The burn on the inside wanted out, and she let herself fall into ecstasy. Her whole body trembled. Max whispered into her ear, “Come away with me, Susan!”
CHAPTER 4
Two weeks later
‘Come away with me, Susan,’ turned into him booking a weekend away in Paris at the Hotel Regina, near to the Louvre. Susan had always wanted to visit the gallery and walk along the Tuileries, floating sailing boats on the fountain and drinking coffee on little rattan chairs, watching life go by.
They spent the whole weekend talking about their future together, fantasizing about a little cottage and children playing in the garden; only Susan knew that it was a dream that would most likely never happen; she still had doubts about their future because she was keeping her biggest secret from him: the fact that she could never be a mother. And the thought made her desperately sad, because to have a family with Max was something, she wanted more than anything else in the world.
After lunch, at which they sank a couple of bottles of wine without realizing, they couldn’t wait to get back to the hotel room and play. Max had blown the budget and got a suite with a sunken Jacuzzi that just begged to be used.
“Bit too much bubble bath there, sweetheart?" Max giggled, as the bubbles started to spill over the top.
Susan threw a handful his way before saying, “You could come over and join me. There’s room for two!”
A boyish grin spread over his lips. “I thought you’d never ask,” he said, already undoing his buttons.
Max had seen Susan naked many times since their first night, but not like this. In his eyes, she looked like a goddess. He got in and she turned around, spooning herself between his legs so that he could rub her back. He pushed her hair over her shoulder, exposing her perfect neck and noticed a cluster of scars just beneath her hairline. He hadn’t noticed them before. He stroked them with his fingers and Susan arched her back and wiggled her shoulders.
“They’re from cigarette burns,” she said softly.
Unsure what to say, Max softly covered them in kisses. There was still so much he didn’t know about her. Each time he was with her, he discovered a little more.
“Susan, do you trust me?” Max asked, kissing her shoulders.
She turned to him, curious about such a question. “Of course, I trust you – what makes you think otherwise?”
He took her hands and kissed each of them softly. “I want you to tell me everything; I want there to be nothing between us. I want you to love yourself as much as I love you. I know it’s painful talking about it, but I think if we talk about it, and it’s out in the open, you don’t have to ever think about it on the inside again.”
He felt Susan tremble under his touch. She shrugged and took in a deep breath. “I don’t know, Max; I tried talking about it during therapy – years of therapy and talking about it didn’t seem to do much good.”
“But they didn’t love you like I do. They weren’t with you, by your side.”
She shrugged, “I don’t know, Max. Can we see how it goes?”
“Of course. Stop if it hurts too much.”
She took in a deep breath and took a hold of his fingers, placing them on scars at the bottom of her leg. “Punishment for crying.” She spoke so softly Max could barely hear her.
“And these?” he asked, gently, pointing to three silver circles by her knee.
“A warning not to tell anyone.” A tear trickled down her cheek.
“And these?” he whispered, as he inspected the tiny marks at the top of her arm.
“When I stared my period, he told me things was different. When I wouldn’t play with him, he branded me.” Susan spoke with anger in her voice.
Max’s muscles tensed with anger. He began to think that the whole sharing thing wasn’t such a good idea after all.
“And this?” he asked, his voice thick with pain.
He felt Susan shudder in his arms. She was crying. “I’m sorry, I can’t. I can’t share her. She was mine, Max. My only hope in a dark world and she was taken from me.”
*
She was dressing for dinner when he came up behind her and presented her with a small velvet box. “I have a gift for you," he said.
She opened it and saw the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen; a white gold chain with a red ruby heart wrapped in two-angel wings.
“I want you to wear this forever, Susan. It’s to remind you that my heart and soul are always with you; they belong to you now, and always will.” He placed the necklace around her neck. “The heart represents your heart, and the wings are my arms – I’ll never let go.”
Her fingers touched the heart. “I’ll never take it off. I love you so much.”
“Do you think we will always have this time together?”
Susan turned her head and looked at him. “I hope so.”
His eyes twinkled. “Me too. Just imagine me, you and a couple of little ones running around.”
Susan stiffened. “I… I don’t know. Do you want kids?”
“Susan, I want everything with you.”
They sat the next morning at breakfast, surrounded by Parisian grandeur. She knew that she had to tell him about the fact she couldn’t have children. She couldn’t let him keep dreaming about a future that wouldn’t be; it wasn’t fair. She was just about to do it when the waitress interrupted them. ‘Fate’ she thought and was relieved to leave it until they got home.
Walking around the Louvre, she clutched the necklace. Last night they had come back from dinner and made love and it was the first time that it had felt like he wasn’t trying to fix her. It had felt like the first night of their new lives together. It had been heavenly, and she worried that if she told him the truth, she might never taste heaven again.
That night as Susan lay beside him, she memorized every inch of his body; his thick brown hair, his dazzling blue eyes, his soft lips – she needed to store them in case this was the last time she was with him. His body was her idea of total perfection. If she didn’t tell him about her inability to have children then she could keep him forever, but she knew that would only make them both unhappy in the end.
The flight home was quiet. Max had tried talking to her, but she’d put her walls up around herself. Her heart was breaking. By the time the taxi pulled up outside her house, she was staring to lose her mind at the thought of losing him.
Max took her by the hand and led her into the house. He put the kettle on and clea
red his throat before speaking.
“Susan, I’ve been thinking, and we need to talk.”
Susan’s heart jumped into her chest. She was confused – was he going to break up with her? She sat down at the table. “I was thinking the same thing; can we just sit for a minute?” she said.
“This weekend has been amazing…”
“...but?” Susan asked, dreading his answer.
“But nothing!” he said raising an eyebrow “And... it’s has made me realize that I never want to be apart from you. SOOO… I was thinking that maybe I could move my stuff in here?” He blushed, mistaking her silence for uncertainty, “I’m here most of the time anyway, and I really think it’s about time we made the next step.”
Tears started to stream down her face. “Max, I really don’t think that is a good idea, I don’t want you to move in. In fact, I think we should stop seeing each other.”
Max’s face dropped. “What are you talking about? I don’t understand. I thought we were happy?”
“We are – at the minute, we are! But, Max, listen to me, I can’t give you the future you want. I won’t let you settle for second best. There’s someone out there that can give you everything you want: someone who can give you children.”
“I don’t understand. It’s you I want, nothing else matters.”
“You think now that this is all perfect, but what happens when you want more? What happens when you want children? I can’t have children; I had my chance and he took that away from me. He made sure I would always suffer at his hand.” She started to sob, and not wanting him to see her like this, not wanting him to stop from leaving, she fled to the bathroom.
Max stood in the kitchen trying to take everything in. He was suffering severe whiplash – he hadn’t quite known what to expect from his proposal, but it certainly hadn’t been this. He ran up the stairs after her and slumped down outside the bathroom door. He was crying – something he hadn’t done since being a child.
“Susan, please talk to me. I don’t want to lose you – please!”
“Just go, please. I’ll never be enough for you, just go!”
Max filled with anger – he wanted to kill the bastard who had done this to her.
“How can you say you’re not enough for me? You are my life. You swept me away the moment our eyes met. When I’m with you, the whole world fades away, and all I see is you; when you fall asleep in my arms, I stay awake just to watch you breathe. Susan, I can’t get enough of you: you are more than I could ever need.” He stood and lent his head against the door. “I told you, you have my heart and soul, and always will.”
Susan heard his footsteps fade and all she could do was cry.
When she could cry no more, she stood up and opened the door; she felt sick from the pain. She headed downstairs to get a drink of water. When she got to the kitchen, she found an envelope on the table. She sat down and opened it inside was a letter.
Susan, my love,
Words can’t describe how I feel about you. The moment I met you, I knew it was love.
And you think that you wouldn’t be enough for me; you think that you are weak, but you are wrong – you complete me. You are the strongest person I know. I love you and always will. You thought I was your angel, but I think you’re mine. If you love me as much as you say you do, please meet me at our place at midnight.
I’ll be waiting for you,
All my love,
Max x
Susan’s whole world came crashing down around her; she had to leave before she gave in and went to meet him. Polly would help her through this. She went upstairs and packed before writing a note for him. If she were gone, he would have to move on. She took off the necklace and placed it in the envelope along with the note. It was 11:50; he would already be at the beach – waiting for her.
Back at the beach, Max sat in their spot for over an hour. He couldn’t believe she thought he would love her less if she couldn’t have children; he was happy just to have her – he didn’t need anything else – and besides, there were other options; other people got around it, and he was sure they would too. Eventually he got up, but he wasn’t prepared to give up. He walked to her house, but when the lights weren’t on and she didn’t answer the door, all he could do was head home.
Beth was sat on the doorstep holding an envelope in her hand. “Max, she’s gone.” “She called by and left this for you.” Beth handed him the letter and headed inside – he needed his space.
My dearest Max
I can’t thank you enough for the happiness you have given me. You are the love of my life and always will be, but I can’t stay. You will only end up regretting being with me. Because of this, I must leave. Please don’t try looking for me; when you’re around my heart leads the way and I know in my mind I’m not enough.
You told me my heart is held in your arms – well that is where my heart will stay. I know it will be safe with you.
I never thought I could be loved but you gave me that gift, and I am so thankful. I can go on in life knowing this. You have given me hope.
I will always love you, Max
Goodbye,
Susan x
CHAPTER 5
As Susan arrived at Polly’s flat, she breathed in deeply and knocked. Even though it was the early hours of the morning, her friend opened the door and ushered her in with a massive hug. “Oh my God, Susan, what is it? What’s happened?”
“I really needed to see my friend.”
“Oh, Susan! Come in, it’s late; we’ll talk in the morning. You know where your room is. Susan was so exhausted that she fell straight to sleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. She might have left Max behind, but he was still in her dreams. She knew that she would never escape them.
The sound of Polly pottering around in the kitchen, woke her.
Polly was the only other person she had told about the full horrors of her experience. It had been Polly who had helped her through it all, even going to the psychologist with her at the start. But Susan couldn’t open up to them.
When they had met, Susan was a mess. She had started drinking to numb the pain and Polly became her sponsor, giving her a place to stay and helping her get a job – Polly had given Susan the precious gift of normalcy. When Susan had moved away Polly thought that it would finally free Susan from her demons, but she had been wrong and now she felt terribly responsible.
“Hey, you ready to talk to me now?” Polly asked as she placed a cup in front of her friend.
“Not really,” Susan replied. She wasn’t ready for her friend to tell her what a fool she’d been. She already knew that.
“So, when then, Susan? When you hit the bottle again and I’m pulling you out of the gutter? Or when you try taking a load of pills again? You know you need to talk to me about this. You told me everything was fine, so what has happened? You can’t just turn up here middle of the night and collapse on the doorstep. NOW TALK!”
“Alright, I ended it. Happy now?” she said slamming her cup down on the table. Polly’s face changed. “What do you mean, you ended it?”
“I think I made a big mistake, Poll, and I don’t know what to do.” Susan held her head in her hands and cried.
Polly walked over to and pulled her head up. “You silly women; you didn’t think he would want you, did you? Has it never occurred to you that someone out there loves you more than anything in the world, and you are too scared to let yourself be happy? You’re scared of someone wanting you, aren’t you? You think you don’t deserve love, but you do. More than anyone I know.”
Polly was right but deep-down Susan knew it wasn’t as simple as that. She knew that Max alone wasn’t enough for her, she wanted his children, and she wanted to sit in the garden with her husband with their children running around them. If she could only have half of that dream, it wasn’t enough.
“Polly what have I done?” she asked, clutching his letter in her hand.
“Even after you told him, he still wanted you;
wasn’t that enough for you? You need to sort yourself out; get rid of all that crap that’s floating round in your head and get him back.” Although Polly said this like it was simple, she knew it was far from it.
“Go and have a shower and then we will work out a plan.” Polly wasn’t asking now, she was telling, and all Susan could do was obey.
When she left for the shower Polly went through Susan’s bag and found her phone. Any guilt she felt about raiding her friend’s bag was drowned out with good intention; she needed to sort it out. Polly scrolled through the texts and found Beth’s number. She had contemplated phoning Max but guessed somebody important enough for Susan to ring might know something.
Polly spoke with Beth for a couple of minutes before deciding that it would be best if they met up in person. She left a note for Susan on the kitchen table. After the two-hour drive, Polly arrived at a small café, where they arranged to meet sitting in a booth at the back was a woman wearing a blue coat. She walked over to the booth. “Beth?” the women turned around and gave a worried smile.
Polly could tell that Beth was heart-broken over Susan leaving. They sat and chatted for a while, mainly about Susan’s childhood and how Beth had cared for her. Polly explained why she had come and what she hoped from meeting with Beth,
“I don’t know, it may take a while, but I think if Susan can empty the rubbish in her head, she’ll realize that she’s meant to be with Max,” she explained.
Beth gave a little smile. “I hope you’re right; we both love her so much. I just want to see her happy and safe. I feel like I let her down before and I’m not going to this time.” Beth had felt years of guilt, thinking she could have done more to help Susan. There wasn’t a day go by when she wished she could turn back the clock and be brave enough to have taken her in. She would never forgive herself if anything happened to her this time.
Polly grabbed Beth’s hands. “Listen, I met her when she was at her worst; she was nineteen and in a bad way. I really didn’t think I could help her, but she pulled through. I know she was happy with you and Max in her life. She rang me the other week and told me what you tried doing for her; you could not have done anymore.”
Something Missing (The True Love Series Book 1) Page 4